The "Ask Lena" Page

Question: “How do Russian women feel about being involved with a man in a wheelchair? I recently read a letter from a Russian woman who wrote that man in a wheelchair should not think about seeking a relationship with a Russian woman.”

To be honest, I had never met with such questions and situations during my previous work in a marriage agency, but I know some examples of men involved with Russian women who have a physical condition or illness. I will try to give you the best answer that I can. These thoughts are also based upon the opinions of some of my Russian friends to whom I asked this question.

I do not agree the Russian woman’s opinion that you read that a man in a wheelchair should just forget about seeking a second half. Why? I can’t understand her opinion at all. First of all, this is her opinion and the opinion of one person. As you can see, you received 269 responses from women-- that’s a lot!!!! I think that in this number of women, you’ll find a woman who will really love you and will not pay attention to that you are in a wheelchair. Those are very strong words “to forget about seeking a Russian bride” as you read in one Russian woman’s message. Does she think that people who have illness are not people? Do these people not have wishes in this life? I think that everyone has a chance to love, at any age, with every weak and strong points. Nobody has a sign that reads “stop”, so you shouldn’t take the opinion of one person too seriously.

I asked some of my Russian friends about your question and they also agreed with me that it just opinion of this woman. Every person has his/her destiny in this life and nobody knows what the life will bring us. You can be the most happy person in this life. God brings you happiness in life and you’ll find the right woman for you.

I would like to give you some specific examples. I have friendship with one girl. We have known each other for a long time. She met a man form Italy. After some meetings (perhaps 2 or 3) she discovered that he has epilepsy. I think it’s a very serious illness, even more serious than a person who is in a wheelchair because at any moment he can have an unexpected occurrence of this disease. But she married him, even after hearing discouraging things from people around her. For 2 ½ years, they have lived in happiness and help each other in difficult and good times.

Another example that I know of is from a newspaper article which I read from one major Ukrainian newspaper. In the article, an American man wrote the words of happiness and thanks to the newspaper’s owners. He can’t walk and has been a disabled person almost all of his life. He saved himself from loneliness when he decided to put his personals advertisement into this newspaper from Ukraine.  He found the “his” woman and wrote that he had never believed in being able to experience such happiness.

I know every woman has her own plans, beliefs, and wishes in this life. One woman dreams about a perfect man with perfect appearance, another woman dreams about a rich life, and yet another woman dreams just to be happy and will love the person with all of his weak and strong characteristics. I do not believe that from all of these numbers of women that you’ll not find somebody with whom you will be happy. My belief is that if you think just about good in this life, then life will bring you happiness and success.

I hope that this was of some help to you.

Of course, it could be easier to give advice about gifts for just one woman. I know now it’s common to meet with more than one woman and afterwards to make a decision because marriage is not a casual step in life, so it’s necessary to be very careful in your decision.

I know from my previous work that men who traveled to meet with 3 to 5 women usually presented each of them with flowers. It’s not so expensive to buy roses, for example, especially during the summertime in Russia. What could be better than flowers for a woman? Every woman loves flowers. If you ask a Russian woman what her favorite gift is, a very big percentage of them will answer flowers. I’m not speaking about materialistic women. Materialistic women will expect from Western men something practical because of the difficult situation in their country. Some of them expect perfume, jewelry or something like this, but I do not advise you to present these items because even a good perfume costs not a small amount money, and everyone has their own taste.

A good choice will be flowers. Now, in Russia and Belarus, flowers cost from $1 to $5 ($5 is the most expensive and luxurious rose). One bouquet will cost from $6 to $10 with decorations. This is an average quality bouquet. If you would like to spend more money, then your lady can receive a more fancy bouquet.

To be honest, I do not know what kind of advice to give as to what kind of present to bring from America because every woman has her own wishes. Since you had written me that you are going to meet with different women, I would recommend for you to take good chocolate, some very beautiful cards, or a book about the place where do you live. Some women love soft toys, even at the age of 25 to 30   :)    Do not smile, it’s a true.   :)

I would like to tell you that if a woman will be happy to be with you and will not have any materialistic aims, then she will appreciate any gift that you present. For example, I personally could be very happy to receive flowers with a good card on the first meeting with a man. I’m a Belarusian woman and this could be my wishes (if I were single   :) .

It is also very common to present fancy candles with different fragrances. America is famous for candles because there are a lot of great candle shops in the U.S. where you can buy candles for reasonable prices.

Khashyar and I live in Hollywood and there are some shops with the famous Hollywood sign on many items. Of course, America is very famous for its film industry and all girls could be happy to have even something small from this kind of famous place. I do not know where you are from, but I can tell that if you bring something even small that is recognizable or representative of your country, then she will appreciate receiving it. She will appreciate your attention.

But in general, my advice is to present flowers, because it will be the best present for any woman.

I would like to write you some information about flowers. You shouldn’t present flowers in even numbers (2,4,6,8). In Russian culture, flowers in even numbers are only for funerals, and odd numbers are offered in other situations. Russian people are very superstitious, so they pay attention to the color of flowers also. For example, red flowers represent love, yellow means sadness and betrayal, white represents innocence. So do not present yellow flowers, especially roses.

My best wishes to you and I hope your trip to Russian will be successful.

Good luck!

Lena

I will tell you a little bit about Russian women and sex, and will try to give you some advice as to how to handle the sex topic with a Russian lady appropriately.

Without any doubts, the topic of “Russian women and sex” and “Russian women’s attitude towards sex” is too personal and is a difficult matter to classify, analyze and write definitively about.

Nevertheless, I can say that in general, Russian women have a healthy and natural approach to matters of a sexual nature. Usually, Russian women are passionate, sensual and spirited. The topic of sex is not the least significant in their life. A lot of women write me that they are looking for men who do not suffer from sexual problems. Some women even put this information about wanting a healthy sexual life into their personals advertisement.

Many years ago, this topic was never discussed on Russia T.V. programs, wasn’t written about in any Russian books and magazines, and was never discussed openly in Russian society. For a long time, sex was not considered a topic for conversation, especially amongst my mother’s and grandmother’s generation.

I remember a time when I studied in high school during an anatomy lesson, and we were supposed to learn about the parts of the human body. When our teacher (who is slightly older than my mom) was speaking about the intimate parts of the body, she just skittishly  gave us some minimal information while her eyes were looking down, her cheeks were red, and asked us to read everything ourselves at home. She was unsure about how to speak with us about this topic. Because if this discomfort with speaking openly about sexuality, a lot of young people learn about sexual topics on the street and receive information from their friends, some of whom have had lamentable stories regarding diseases, pregnancy, and having been mistreated.

A Russian woman is naturally a sensual and passionate lover, but all of these qualities are usually tempered by the moral and social climate in Russia. The reasons for this inhibition regarding talking about sex come from older times in Russia. In Russian literature, for example, there are many examples and stories that demonstrate that it is better to die than to kiss without love. When we studied literature in school, the stories that we read never mentioned sex or sexuality. Instead, they talked about love.

Women over 30 are more conservative about this topic. Generally, it is easier to speak with a woman under 30 about sex.

In my mother’s generation, it was expected that a woman would wait to have sex until she was married. It was very seldom that a woman’s husband abandoned her so that she had to raise their child by herself. In my generation, there is less pressure from society about how many boyfriends that a woman has had. In fact, there are some Russian men who feel that it is better if their Russian girlfriend has had more intimate experiences rather than less.

Regarding speaking about this topic with your woman by e-mail, it’s normal to express your feelings, but do this very carefully and gradually. Do not write very intimate things before meeting in person. Of course, once you have met in person, you may communicate about many more subjects.

I remembered one situation when I worked with a 31 year old woman. I helped her to write and maintain communication with her foreign man. After some months (about 3 or 4) he began write her very open and specific thoughts and wishes about sex. Of course, she did not feel very comfortable because first of all, she used the help of a translator and she felt uncomfortable that I also read this information. A lot of women I know hide the fact that they use a translator, and their reaction to receiving such a letter could be negative especially when a man brings up the subject of sex without having met with one another. My Russian woman client was thinking that it’s not normal that this man wrote to her so openly about sex before their meeting. After some letters, when he continued to write in a more open and open way about his sexual imagination, she just stopped communicating with him.

I can tell you that a very serious Russian woman will not understand a foreign man who writes very intimate things-- for example, a man who writes about his favorite positions. Do not smile, the man I wrote about above wrote about this to the Russian woman for whom I was translating. Some men even sent naked photos to their woman, or photos of themselves in their underwear.

I know and understand that sex is an important topic in our life and that sometimes people are not compatible partners in regards to this. Differences in sexuality can even lead to unfaithfulness and even divorce.

However, I advise you to discuss everything about such intimate subjects after meeting in person when the moment for this topic becomes natural, normal and unforced. When two people love one another and spend time personally with each other, then this topic is a normal one to bring up… I think that perhaps it’s even not necessary to discuss this topic, because your meeting will decide everything itself. The chemistry between two potential partners is very important.

I am trying to remember my communication with Khashyar regarding sex. We didn’t speak about sex at all during the time that we communicated before our meeting. Why? :) I even do not know why we did not speak about this. He didn’t begin to ask me about this or to discuss all this with me, and I also did not speak bring up this topic with him. I just knew that our meeting in person would decide everything.

I want to say that if a woman is older than 30 to 35, then she grew up with very moral beliefs, perhaps even the same moral values that are in Russian classical literature. During this present time, the living conditions of most Russians don’t give women the environment to be a very open about their sexuality. I know that most Russian women, even if she is very passionate, will keep her emotions under control and will never open her wishes in letters to men. Why do I mention a Russian woman’s living condition? I will give you a common example of the effect of a Russian woman’s living condition on her intimate life. Very often, married couples live with his or her parents in an apartment. Usually, this apartment is very tiny and small with 2 to 3 rooms and only one bathroom. These rooms usually are not well-insulated—For example, if you want to go to the bathroom, you need to first pass through another room. Even if a married couple lives in a separate apartment, they often share their one room with their child. The fear of waking up relatives and the risk of being heard doesn’t allow a woman to be herself and to express her feelings. As I told you, as a result, she tends to keep everything to herself.                        

So, I wrote you the reality about this question and topic. Maybe it’s necessary to be a little bit patient or just to initiate this topic very slowly and with understanding that not every woman will be very open about this in her letters.

Again, thank you for your question. I hope that it will be of help for you. I wish you success in your communication. I’ll be happy to help in any situation and will be happy to share my thoughts and experiences.

Sincerely,

Lena

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