Misconceptions about Russian-Western Marriage

 

 
(Tasha from Los Angeles, California and her new baby. Tasha and her American husband own and operate a book distribution company). She is originally from Saint Petersburg, Russia.

 

False and unrealistic expectations as a road to a failed Russian-Western marriage: a married Russian woman's thoughts about international marriage

Written by Tasha, Los Angeles, CA

 

While browsing through FSU-Western marriage forums, I often run into one curious thing. On the Russian-language part there are always a number of posts written by angry and disappointed FSU women who are unhappy in their marriage and blame their lazy, stupid loser-husbands. At the same time, on the English-language part, it is not that uncommon to see Western men saying that they married scammers, gold-diggers, psychos, etc., who went from being a sweet fiancée to a witch-wife in no time.

First of all, there actually are very happy international marriages. However, there are also not-so-happy ones and those that are simply miserable for both partners. I think it is important to address the issue of why these marriages don't work out sometimes.

As I see it, one major reason for failed FSU-Western marriages is unrealistic expectations. It is in nature of a human to think that somewhere there's a perfect place where he/she can be happy and carefree and that somewhere there's this perfect partner (usually on the other side of the world) that will turn his/her life into paradise. Such kind of dreams are usually being vastly exploited by marriage agencies who simply profit from people's most precious but unrealistic hopes.

Based on what I've heard and read, there seem to be two greatest misconceptions that stand in the way of a happy international union.

Misconception Number One about R-W Marrriage: (Russian women are different)

First - the belief held by Western men that FSU women are genuinely different from Western ones, and the belief held by FSU women that Western men are genuinely different from FSU ones. That's what everybody getting involved in international relationship would like to believe. But what happens when people actually get married? They start living together and discover, often to mutual disappointment, that they are after all just ordinary men and women with all the same imperfections and weaknesses. How many times have I seen posts about horrible, lazy, intellectually and culturally limited, passive and boring American husbands! Their houses are always messy, their demands are always unreasonable, their ex's and kids are from hell, all they do is watch TV, and their best idea of entertainment is going to a baseball match. And of course, they can't get even close to understanding that delicate and mysterious Russian soul. This is all written by women who start off raving with endless excitement about their Western fiancées and their difference from FSU men. Eventually, they come to conclusion - all men are horrible. On each and every FSU-Western marriage forum, we see so many posts from Western men who praise unique qualities of FSU women. However, you see hardly any of such posts from guys who are already married. I think most of them will say that the differences aren't that great after all, and they tend to fade even more with time.

In this case, differences in nature between men and women outweigh cultural differences by far. The ability to make a marriage work is something that comes from being a functional partner. It seems like this quality is lacking in Russians as well as Americans, or Russia wouldn't have such a high divorce rate. Blaming it on Russian men doesn't seem sensible to me. Both Russian men and women are raised in the same environment, by the same parents, in the same culture. Gender roles are not THAT different, not like in some Arab countries. So how come it is claimed that women grow up to be functional and men do not?

I would be seriously concerned if I was in the shoes of one of those Westerners involved with an FSU woman saying things like "all Russian men are horrible, drunk, lazy, abusive, disloyal," etc. and having a long history of failed relationships. If you marry such woman, don't be surprised to be soon called a "stupid, fat and lazy American." Chances are she has trouble making any marriage work and always blames it on her partner. Of course, there are objective reasons for why marriages fall apart in the FSU. There are economic hardships that make life a struggle which adds tension to life, make people depressed, pushes men to forget about their troubles by drinking alcohol. But it's different than calling all FSU men genuinely spoiled or evil or something like that. I would be very sensitive to a woman's explanation of why she is not happy with marriage opportunities in the FSU. Western men often believe that FSU women are more "traditional"-- that is, family for them outweighs career, professional growth. What do we see on Russian women forums though? Most of the women suffer and get depressed if they are unable to go out and work and develop their career. Most of them end up either getting a job or going to school. FSU society is in many ways a lot more feminized than Western one. How many women doctors, engineers, scientists do you see in the USA? Not so many, while there are plenty of them in the FSU. Equality of genders has been promoted by the state since 1917, when American women still had many years of being housewives ahead. I would say career and family have about the same importance for an average FSU woman. She's also not as docile and mellow as it is often portrayed.

Misconception Number Two about R-W Marrriage: (standard of living)

Moving on to false expectations number two - financial matters and quality of life. Some Western men tend to believe that a FSU woman will be happy with less than her Western sister. It is usually called "not having materialistic values." FSU women, in their turn, believe that most of the Westerners live like characters from the Dallas TV show. Not only that, they somehow think that the laws of life are different in the West. People don't get treated unjustly, everybody who needs help receives it, life is more fair, you never get ripped off, etc. Again, what is the very common complaint that we see on Russian women forums? His house turned out to be small, uncomfortable and not even really his. His car is old. He's heavily in debt. There are such things as high utility bills, gas prices, health and car insurance, taxes, considerable material inequality, etc. She goes to work and discovers that what she makes is hardly enough to pay for food, there's a week of vacation (as opposed to a month in the FSU), she doesn't get a three-year paid maternity leave, guaranteed retirement pension, education for her children isn't free, etc. And she gets very, very upset. Oooops, what she thought to be Dallas TV show turns out to be just ordinary life. Not only it is almost impossible to realistically evaluate the quality of life in the US if you have never been here (thanks to the Hollywood propaganda machine), but Western men support these myths by saving (and sometimes getting in debt) to travel to the FSU "in style" and impress their fiancées.

Western men, at the same time, discover that their new Russian wives arent that "non-materialistic." How many American women, even very poor ones, have you seen leaving the country looking to marry someone who's better-off? FSU women want nice furniture, good food, new clothes and makeup, expensive perfumes- they are women after all! They want stability and security, that's why they left their country. They don't want to feel deprived of pleasures of their new foreign life. Such mutually exclusive expectations are quite often a reason for trouble.

I think when people get involved into international long-distance relationship, the challenge is even greater than with usual dating. You don't have an opportunity to experience everyday life together, both man and woman are excited and try to impress each other and hide their negative sides. It all seems very exotic. Even if there are warning signs like differences in life philosophy, interests, ideas, people tend to close their eyes about that, carried away by their heavenly romance. Sadly, often the more heavenly it is, the more difficult and disappointing it is to face the reality.

Your international marriage can actually be a dream

Your international marriage can actually be a dream. However, such a commitment is not to be taken lightly. I think while communicating with your FSU fiancée, it is very important to be who you are. Don't try to impress her with something if you are not sure you'll be able to keep it up forever. Don't limit your encounter to a vacation in the Bahamas. Try to spend time living "usual" life with her. Go grocery shopping, cook dinners, clean the house/apartment. Make an effort to find out what kind of person is there, behind the generic "Russian woman" face. Spend some time doing financial planning together. Give her a detailed explanation of your social status in your country, your income and lifestyle. Explain her the idea of debt and living with credit. Don't neglect the slightest misunderstandings that might come out. They seem slight at the time but they will undoubtedly grow later. See if you can handle the crises together, if you are able to discuss and work out difficult issues. Talk about raising your future children. Find out what her expectations are, how she sees your future together, what she wants to do with her career. By no means limit your conversations and time together to Champaign and roses. If you come to the conclusion that you are not compatible, don't moan over time and money spent, move on. In short, don't sacrifice your happiness trying to stick to an unrealistic vision that might have been put in your mind by a marriage agency or TV show. Marriage is always hard work and commitment.

 

Tasha

Los Angeles, California

 

 

 

 

 

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