Is it easy to move?

Some women and men do not understand that moving to another place is not easy and it’s not fun. When I was child, my mother wanted me to move to Moscow to study, so that I could have a better education, more opportunities, a better career. But I did not because it was not easy psychologically.

Russians do not move a lot. They stay and live almost their entire lives in one town or city. There is not as much moving as there is in America. I understood that when I chose to join Khashyar in Los Angeles that I needed to be personally strong and begin everything from “zero”-- friends, finding work, building and developing my career, and in other ways that I could not anticipate.

I would like to thank my Khashyar for his patience and for his strong character. He did a wonderful job during the most difficult time for us both. It takes work, understanding, and patience from both the Russian émigré and the Western native. I would like to tell you that if a Russian woman and Western man successfully endured the difficult period of the first months together, then after 1 year of still being together,  they have passed through some of the most difficult moments in their relationship and they will have gained the strength and wisdom to deal with whatever might happen in  their lives in the future.

Yes, there was a time when I cried without any reason, when I was upset without any reason, when I didn’t understand him without any reason. Yes all these things are in the past. But my Khashyar knew before my arrival that Russian women sometimes have difficulties with adjusting to a new country, so he had to take steps to help me maintain the connection with my Russian culture.

We went to the Russian market. We visited Russian shops, so I was able to buy books, magazines and newspapers in the Russian language. It was so funny; I have a friend who is the owner of a small Armenian shop. One day we came in to buy my favorite Russian cookies, and he surprised me by giving me Belarusian sweets, which I could buy in my country and which I love very much.

So if I miss my national food, I can go to any Russian store her in Los Angeles and buy it without any problems. If I want to find Russian people with whom I can speak and practice my own language, I’m also able to meet them in Los Angeles without any problems. If you want to meet Russians in L.A., go to cheap stores like Ross or Target and you will be able to hear Russian speech permeating from the clothing aisles. J Also, Russians like Trader Joe's very, very much. [Trader Joe's is a popular inexpensive healthy specialty store in California and some parts of the East Coast.]

I didn’t choose to subscribe to Russian TV stations on satellite or cable TV because I was thinking that it‘s better to watch television programs in the English language to improve my language skills and to have exposure to different American accents. But, also, being able to watch Russian television is also a very good help for Russian women to feel less lonely during the time while you are working. It can be a very good emotional help. 

Did I have "culture shock"?

My answer is: "a little bit"…. I didn’t know a lot about my new country beforehand, because I didn’t have the chance to travel and see America with my own eyes before moving there. To read about a country in books is not enough. And to experience it with my own eyes was almost impossible. As you know, it’s so hard to receive a visa to travel to America. What I knew about America was from TV, films, "Hollywood" and nothing else. J  I didn’t know what the "real America" was like. 

To my surprise, there were some things that I didn’t like about life in "Big City America" after I moved to Los Angeles-- I’ll be honest with you; J I was thinking that America is just highways with a lot of traffic, a lot of cars, and a busy life without any historical buildings. I’m from a small town where a lot of people know one another, and where we know one another's personal histories. So for me, this tempo of life was a little bit “too much”J. I traveled somewhat in Europe, so I saw a lot of historical places, a lot of beautiful architecture, and I understood why a lot of foreign people travel, for example, to Moscow to see many old churches and buildings.

My expectations were that I would see a lot of cozy houses, historical buildings, very luxurious lives and so on. But my first impression about historic buildings was wrong. When Khashyar and I traveled to different areas of the United States such as Washington D.C., Texas and Las Vegas, I saw much more of what America was like. America is such a big country and it has its own beauty and history. Each state has something unique and interesting to offer.

It took some time to learn and change my opinion. I was thinking: ”Ok, what is Hollywood? Nothing special. There are a lot of homeless people, a lot of trash on the ground" and so on. J But of course, every country has its poor, rich, and middle class people, so there are a lot of levels of life. However, I want to repeat that a lot of Russians "think" they know America as "Hollywood," Beverly Hills, Santa Barbara, a place with lot of money, expensive houses, cars, and diamonds. And to be sure, the expectations of nearly all Russian women shouldn’t be a surprise for you. If she has wishes to shop or visit a beauty salon in Beverly Hills, simply explain to her that this is an area for rich people and for famous stars, but "we, Honey, are not Nichol Kidman and we cannot afford it every month." J  Even better, you should explain to her before she arrives in letters and in your conversations by telephone that America is not a country of a lot of money that flies from the sky. It is necessary to earn this money and necessary to work very hard. You should mention that there are a lot of bills that are necessary to pay every month.  L

Things are not the same in America as they were at home-- credit cards, the system of payment, system of education, shops, the people are not the same, as are many other differences. So it takes time to learn a foreign language, drive a car, and a lot of small American routines that will make her nervous and make her cry. But it took time before I understood myself that America is not really similar to what I have seen in many movies and television programs that are broadcast in Russia.

It was so funny when I had to learn even how to recycle, and that I had to have 2 or even 3 different bags for each kind of trash. Do you think she knows about this? Of course, no.

Also, during my experience in the first days and even month in America, I was afraid of everything-- shopping, to leave home by myself. My English was fine (in my opinion J). It was not a question of not understanding a the foreign English language. I was simply afraid of everything because it was all new and different. I was afraid to forget my way to home. I was afraid that someone on the street might ask me questions. I was afraid that someone might want to speak with me. It took me time to reach a point where I was without any fears and felt confident in myself to the extent that I could go shopping, to the gym and to school.      

Clothes: Ohhhh, it was funny!

If you come to Russia, you will be able to see that almost all Russians dress like models. Whoever has been to Russia will agree with me. Isn't this right? Some Western men have asked me how people live in Russia. They make just $100 and dress like a model? Where does she find these resources? Remember that Russians do not have so many bills as Americans have, and that she perhaps lives with her parents and can buy shoes or a coat for $200-$300 by saving her salary for a few months and borrowing money from her friends. In the United States, people mostly do not pay a lot of attention to clothes (as they do in Russia). I live in Los Angeles, California, and it's known as a center of fashion, beauty, business, film. Fashion plays an important role here. And yet I still notice that there is not as much attention spent on fashion here as it is in Russia. 

            Again a little bit about expectations:

It’s so funny. If you ask any person in Russia what they know about Americans, they will answer you that Americans are wealthy. J Sure, I wasn’t the exception, and I was thinking in this way too. In America, people every morning pick up money like fruit from their backyard tree, and simply have everything that they want. J They work a few hours and have a huge income.  I was so wrong, because by living in America and having an American job and communicating with Americans, I know whether it is easy or not. I was thinking that America doesn’t have any problems. Now I know how Americans work hard to even pay off all of the necessary bills. I was thinking that if the average American's hourly salary is $8 to $15 (I even didn’t know exactly how much the average American earned), then he can go and use even the cheapest services, shop in inexpensive shops, buy products on sale, and then he can save a lot of money from his salary. J

Looking for a job in America, and facing fear

Aside from my own business working with my website and Russian-English translation, I knew that I needed to build my own career and work to build my American employment resume.

In my country, I was a successful teacher and I loved my job very, very much. I love children very much and was thinking that I should continue in the same career. Khashyar has a friend who helped me to find a job in a private elementary school. I had a successful interview and received that job. After one day of working there with those kids, I was thinking, "Wait, wait, Lena….."  J  Children are not the same as in Belarus. I was completely surprised.  The owner of this school told me that I should wear the worst clothes to this job because children can do whatever they wanted-- put water and paint on your clothes, and even freely pee on you. The children of that school were from very rich parents, some of them children of celebrities in the entertainment business. So if I wanted to work there, I had to do so as a person who would have to endure conditions that felt disrespectful to me.

I almost ran away from that school, and realized that I have to look for something else. I was thinking that if I want to be a teacher, that I would like to work just with students who are older and with whom I can speak to at the same level as with a mature person. Or perhaps I will train in "special education" and work with kids with disabilities. 

I definitely have to continue my education here in America. That is a goal of mine. But it takes time, even basic steps such as preparing my documents from my Belarusian university, and psychologically being ready to study.

During this time of preparing to go to school, I wanted to be around people. I wanted to communicate and learn more about American culture, to improve my English communication skills and to be active and simply to spend time with people. I’m a very active person, so for me an active job is very important.

After my unexpected experience working with American children, it was a really hard time for me because I didn't know how to find a job, and was not able to imagine generally how this process was like because in Russia, there is no interview and no resume necessary to obtain a job. (At least this is true at this time-- a formal job interview process is not that common). So my first steps were very difficult since I had no previous experience with this process.

I am thankful that Khashyar was very patient with me and supported me very much during that time. I remember at that time, we went to a well-known Hollywood shopping mall and I sat on a bench and started to cry. Psychologically I wasn't ready for such serious steps. I do not know, but that time I had fears. I wasn't so confident in myself. I was ready to find a job somewhere in a very basic store or a supermarket, but Khashyar tried to assure me that I can do more than this. I was afraid of everything-- people, my lack of American job experience, my English. Only now I understand that I was silly and that there was nothing to be so frightened about. 

I told him "Why do you put me into the fire?" and "Why can't I build my experience with simpler steps, and then afterwards I will find something better?" He told me "NO. Try. You will be able to find a good job, and especially with a good English-speaking atmosphere." Yes, right now as I look back I understand, and I now will be able to change hundreds of job, and will not have strong fears.

I applied to 30 and perhaps even more businesses- fashion and make-up stores- and left my application... Actually, first I spoke with every manager and came to understand that no one will bite me, and that I even can receive satisfaction and interest in communicating with people. Americans are very friendly and especially in Los Angeles where there is such as international environment. I started to hear that I have a very cute accent :) and several managers were interested in hiring me. I felt much better. I started to receive phone calls.  That time, oh my God, I was even afraid to speak by phone. With Khashyar's help, I listened to my phone messages and tried to understand the quick speech instructing me as to where I should go for my job interviews.

So I had an interview in a women's fashion store called "Ann Taylor." I remember, I was very surprised that my interview lasted about 2 hours-- a long conversation and filling out paperwork. I was asked what seemed like thousands of questions, many of which for me, at that time, didn't make sense. For example: "What are you proud of in your life?" Nothing...... In my culture, when a person is shy, it is better. "Could you tell me about all of your pluses and minuses in your personality?" Again, in my culture, as you are more shy, and as you are more a modest person, then you will be able to have a good result. But here, as I understood, if you will not say positive things about yourself, then you will not have a positive result.

So now, my life in America continues, and I gain more experience in being an adjusted American in this cultural melting pot. And my life and goals continue to evolve, and I know that I will face more tests, challenges and adjustments. But I have the benefit of having experienced life in two countries, and those experiences are coming together to form a greater whole.

  
by Lena (Usachova) Darvich

www.russianmeetingplace.com