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Communication issues created by cultural differences... or something else?

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Posted by: jlyandco

I'm not sure if anyone here can enlighten me, but I'm wondering if you can help me understand something... I'm a little frustrated with a communication issue/situation that is occurring between a woman from Ukraine that I am writing to and myself.

I will write multiple letters and discuss many things, even asking a number of specific questions... yet, when I receive her next letter, nothing (or rarely) is anything that I mention -- including specific questions -- is even addressed or mentioned by her. To me, it is appearing that she is either not understanding what I write (yet she has never asked me to clarify anything)... which is not good, or even worse, she is choosing to ignore what I ask. Will you plese help me understand what is going on?

We seem to be slowly improving in our relations, but it is very frustrating from my perspective. I have been scammed before, but I genuinely do not feel that this is the case here... after more than twenty-six letters from her, not one has been inappropriate or even remotely appeared to follow any of the "scam letters" that I've seen and read about over the last three years. Additionally, the Agency that I am communicating through shows a clean bill of health from the Better Business Bureau, and also has both a pretty strict anti-scam policy -- including the mandate that a woman cannot be registered with ANY other Agency or similar service (which is also monitored) -- as well as ongoing monitoring and interviewing of their women themselves (maximum number of women clients is 2,400) to ensure that they are complying with their terms.

I am trying to understand this lack of response... could it be a cultural issue (perhaps I am asking too many direct questions), or is it a question of character (she does not completely understand my questions, but she would prefer not to "let on" that she does not understand me). Perhaps what I am asking is too abstract or unfamiliar, or perhaps I'm asking questions that are not culturally "normal", and it is impolite for her to answer me or tell me that it would not be proper for her to answer me.

ANY help you can give me would be truly wonderful and greatly appreciated!

Kindest regards,
Jeff


Posted by: firemansam

Hey Jeff,
I guess my first question to you would be, How many questions are you asking per letter?
For me, especially when using an agency, I have NEVER had issues with questions being answered. If you are asking a whole heap per letter though, maybe she is getting tired answering them? If you are getting no answers at all, I would ask the agency if they are translating your letters correctly and point out to them that you are asking questions but not getting answers. They maybe being a little dodgy and hoping you will not realise?
If you confront them maybe they will come good if this is the issue....
Remember, you are paying for a service and don't take any s#!t from them!! Tell them that you expect to be looked after by them or you will send your $$ elsewhere. Believe me, this works wonders!!!
Yes there could be a lack of responce because of a few reasons including a lack of understanding, there are times when you can ask a question and it is not viewed as a question but if you are having lots of questions not answered.... This sounds dubious and maybe you are being used or set up...
Demand from the agency (NOT your girl) answers to your questions!! Ask them why they seem to be stuffing up your translations!! Tell them to get thier s#!t together or you will move on and I'm sure you will see a difference in the way they treat you. If not, then it really is time to move on and chalk this up to a learning leason!
Sam.


Posted by: Lafe

I comminicate directly with a lady, so I am not sure of the agency's involvement, Sam probably knows best there. I have kept the amount of questions per letter to just a couple. She is just learning english, (Brit english, at that) and I think it takes time to translate the letter, mentally translate it into Ukraine, and then translate everything to english. The vast majority of the questions she has answered, sometimes not the very next letter, but she usually gets around to the answer. Sometimes I state how I feel on a subject, and often as not she responds with her feelings. Do you have her phone # or a way to contact her? Direct communication may help, Natasha has a yahoo account, and her english teacher help with translation. Good luck, I hope it all works out.


Posted by: Chrismc

Jeff

Why not write to her in Russian, that is what I do for one who cannot speak much English, even though we go through an agency, and although it does not get translated perfectly I find I have no problems getting questions answered.

I send every email in Russian at the top with an English version copied below, no confusion then. She checks things out that do not translate properly using the English version.

Sometimes if going through an agency I also write an instruction to the agency at the top of the email, telling them what I want them to do with it. I thouight this was a bit cheeky at first but it certainly got results and you only need to do it once or twice usually.

Worth a try,

Chris


Posted by: GentleGiant

As above, write in English and Russian; I use http://translation.paralink.com/

It is not perfect and you have to check the back translation and change any words it mangles; but I have found it very useful and received many more replies to initial letters after I started using it.

I too have had a woman who's replies do not answer any questions I have asked but who has not fitted the profile for a scammer. Because of this I kept writing but I have just returned from Russia where I was supposed to be meeting her ( amongst others) and she made repeated excuses for not being able to see me even though I was near where she lived for two whole weeks, offered to travel to meet her, etc.
From this I would say that if she cannot be bothered to answer your questions she probably wont be bothered to meet you even if you turn up on her doorstep.

BTW I have fallen madly in love with one of the women I did meet; and she has already asked when she can visit me in England.
I had good feelings about this woman from the very first letter she sent; it was full of information about herself, her ideals and hopes. We have been writing to each other 3-4 times a week since Easter and although I was only supposed to meet her for 2 days I ended up spending a whole week with her.
She is unable to read English although her spoken English is fairly good, so we have both been using the translation site to send our letters.


Posted by: jlyandco

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! Quite enlightening...

I am using an Agency, and I believe that my letters are being translated fairly accurately. I think that I'm probably the primary antagonist here... I had been asking more questions than is probably considered "normal", and I also tend to be a bit verbose in my communications -- both being a bit overwhelming for both the woman I'm writing to, as well as the translators.

I've noticed that, as I more simply and clearly phrased my questions -- and kept them to only one or two per letter -- my questions are being answered pretty consistently.

Thanks Khashyar and Lena for this invaluable resource... the opportunity to interact with people before, during and after the consideration and pursuit of a relationship with an FSR woman priceless -- especially to do so in an integrous way!

May God continue to bless you both, as well as be glorified through all of our journeys!

Kindest regards,
Jeff


Posted by: Raspberry

I am glad this topic has been brought up.


Posted by: clark

I have been communicating with a lady from FSU for over four months, one on one, not through an agency. First, a little background. I tried the usual dating sites in search of women for several years with no sustainable luck. I met and dated quite a few AW from these sites all the while being contacted by many RW. I dismissed those as scams, not that I knew that they were but the generalization is that is where they staked out. I had no direct knowledge or experience of RW at all. Eventually, a RW contacted me and caught my interest. I don't know why she did but nonetheless did.

On to my contribution to this forum. I am naturally very inquisitive but did not ask any questions of her at first even though I was dying to, and after she sent several emails with questions that I answered, I started asking questions back. Then I asked her in a course of 5-6 emails many questions. To the point I bombarded her with questions and it irritated the heck out of me that she seemed to ignorge them or only answered one or two.

By that time I had done some due dilligence on the scammers and had convinced myself that this was but another one. I sent back a scathing email on the ignoring questions and accused her of scamming and the whole nine yards.

She sent back a reply in the same broken english and barely understandable but I did manage to decypher it explaining That she has more difficullty understanding phrases in written english than writing it. Also, in essence that she was not sure what the questions meant or how to answer them (Her writing isn't that great either). That she might have that problem hadn't occurred to me.

Through the next several emails I would just pepper a question or two. Being very short in size and direct and even trying to say it in broken english she might understand. It was the best thing I could have done. I found out that even though she can write english she still doesn't understand it very much and embarassed about it. Through many emails we are becoming accustom to each others level of communication in English. I found out she is a real person and we are having a serious infatuation so much I plan to visit her soon.

My advice is do not discount a RW because she doesn't answer you in the manner you expect. If the letter/email looks like a form letter with your name dropped in there it probably is and beware. But be prepared to and attempt to read between the lines. If you don't you might not be answering the door when opportunity knocks.


Posted by: broncosfan

jlyandco, Your experience sounds alot like the one I had. Granted, I did not start communicating untill December, and I was there in January. I kind of booked a ticket and started with an agency all around the same time. The women I met was wonderful, and it did not take long for us to hit it off. However, all the letters were fabricated. She told me that she did not even read them. The agencies would call her and tell her my questions. She would give simple answers, and they would decorate the letters. She would laugh, and say "the agency was more interested in me than she was." I did not even have my picture or much about myself in my profile. My guess would be that the agency is responding to your letters as well. But, I made the trip, and met a great girl. Like everything else in life, it is a gamble. You just have to roll the dice.


Posted by: ira156

Hey Jly, I think it will also depend on what questions you are asking. Most FSU women will not get into the really personal Q&A untill they feel a trust is there. Also if you are throwing too many questions at once she may feel like she is being interogated. But it can be hard for you too especialy if you have had a scammer or 2 before. Slow and steady mate.


Posted by: nocomfortzone

Quote:
Originally Posted by jlyandco
I'm not sure if anyone here can enlighten me, but I'm wondering if you can help me understand something... I'm a little frustrated with a communication issue/situation that is occurring between a woman from Ukraine that I am writing to and myself.

I will write multiple letters and discuss many things, even asking a number of specific questions... yet, when I receive her next letter, nothing (or rarely) is anything that I mention -- including specific questions -- is even addressed or mentioned by her. To me, it is appearing that she is either not understanding what I write (yet she has never asked me to clarify anything)... which is not good, or even worse, she is choosing to ignore what I ask. Will you plese help me understand what is going on?

We seem to be slowly improving in our relations, but it is very frustrating from my perspective. I have been scammed before, but I genuinely do not feel that this is the case here... after more than twenty-six letters from her, not one has been inappropriate or even remotely appeared to follow any of the "scam letters" that I've seen and read about over the last three years. Additionally, the Agency that I am communicating through shows a clean bill of health from the Better Business Bureau, and also has both a pretty strict anti-scam policy -- including the mandate that a woman cannot be registered with ANY other Agency or similar service (which is also monitored) -- as well as ongoing monitoring and interviewing of their women themselves (maximum number of women clients is 2,400) to ensure that they are complying with their terms.

I am trying to understand this lack of response... could it be a cultural issue (perhaps I am asking too many direct questions), or is it a question of character (she does not completely understand my questions, but she would prefer not to "let on" that she does not understand me). Perhaps what I am asking is too abstract or unfamiliar, or perhaps I'm asking questions that are not culturally "normal", and it is impolite for her to answer me or tell me that it would not be proper for her to answer me.

ANY help you can give me would be truly wonderful and greatly appreciated!

Kindest regards,
Jeff



I can't help you but i can relate a bit to what you must be going through.
I had some woman contact me from a dating site i had a profile on. However i did not realise a woman from outside my own country could see it and contact me so i was a bit surprised it was some woman from Ukraine. I was niave, as in, had never put a profile on a dating site etc. etc. so i really knew nothing about her country, scammers, what a woman thinks like from her country and that she was having letters translated for her. I did not know what i was getting myself into by responding to her :-)
I did to a brief look around about her country on the interent and then i became aware of scammers so i was a bit cautious but kept an open mind just for the sake i expect most people are good and i was happy enough to strike up a friendship with someone from overseas and learn some new things.
Anyway after a few e-mails back and for i started to understand the situation a little better. She hardly knew English and was paying to get her letters translated into english and forwarding into an e-mail in both directions. I'm now a lot more aware from reading other people reports what scammers do and how they write. I was lucky i was flying by the seat of my pants trusting my instincts and i could see then after a week or so she was a genuine person and not a scammer and what i've learnt since indicates i probably would have sensed something dodgy even with how niave i was back then.
Still, we struck up a good connection pretty soon and she asked me a lot of questions and i got a lot of insight to the way she looked at the world around her and how she thought. I'm not one to actually ask many questions. I usual just wriote how i think and expect some feedback or response to the wavelength i'm on in what i'm talking about that shows a person either relates or does not comprehend but sometimes i find things i wanted her thoughts on i did not get any real feedback and was not sure why. When i tried to express i was keen for more feedback she indicated she prefers questions so there was a difference in style we both expressed in but we still got on well. Nevertheless as months went on i sometimes forgot to ask specific questions but it was still clear i wanted feedback on some of my own thoughts on issues and it got frustrating when i'd get no response on some issues in following e-mails. I sense now it is more a cultural thing or maybe i write some ideasin some ways that make it hard to comprehend properly in translation so they keep quiet when they are confused.

My main point of replying is to say you are not alone in wondering whether sometimes a lack of response on some issues are individual communication issues, cultural differences or translation problems. Secondary point is the following.

What complicates things further is now i've read around a bit more i see scammers show a standard way of talking to someone in e-mail that makes out that are very interested in them and like them but they rarely respond in the manner of a normal conversation. They are simply out to try to convince some poor lonely guy they love them as sometimes guys that want to be believe they are sincere are foolish enough to fall for it as the buy a sob story, feel sorry for them and liek to feel they are wanted. The simply skip the obvious to see there is no genuine understadning and connection being made. I only in last couple of weeks got an e-mail from such a scammer and i responded in e-mail just to be nice and listen to their life overseas but said i had no interest in romance. They took no notice of what i had actually said and within a few e-mails were telling me that they loved me without any strong connection being made on any matters. I'd say if you are getting a lack of response of things you are saying regularly then they are a scammer for sure but if you've being talking via e-mail for months and realte on many matters but still get confused as to a few things being not responded on then it's something that is probably not able to be talked properly on over e-mail.
If it happens early on though you could make the mistake of thinking a genuine woman is a scammer when it's a communication/cultural obstacle getting between clear understanding.


Posted by: firemansam

Quote:
Originally Posted by clark
........By that time I had done some due dilligence on the scammers and had convinced myself that this was but another one. I sent back a scathing email on the ignoring questions and accused her of scamming and the whole nine yards.
..............
My advice is do not discount a RW because she doesn't answer you in the manner you expect. If the letter/email looks like a form letter with your name dropped in there it probably is and beware. But be prepared to and attempt to read between the lines. If you don't you might not be answering the door when opportunity knocks.

Hey clark!
Mate, you could have burnt yourself royally there! But still you appear to have caught it in time...

It's very true that if there is not a great deal of understanding in the womans English reading ability, then you have to assume they are using an online translator. Sadly, quite often, the women you are writing to do not even realise you are asking a question. Especially if it is a long winded question!

Your best bet is to not ask TOO many questions in any given letter and also word them carefully so that they are easy to read. If you do not get an answer you would have normally expected, try re-phrasing it and let her know that it is a question you would like an answer to!

I also find that if you describe your feelings/experiences/thoughts on a subject and then follow it up with "And wht do you think about this?" kind of approach, you often see results when a direct question appeared to be ignored.
Hope all goes well for you mate,
Sam.


Posted by: ira156

Hey Clark, Sam is spot on. My Nat speaks good english but there are still times that she doesnt get me the 1st time. Rephrase the question until she tells you what you mean and then get the answer.


Posted by: clark

Hey there FiremanSam and Ira!

Thanks for your reply! Sam, I very well did near burn myself. The fact is I did everything possible to end the communication. I certainly would not have written me back after my actions. Should she not have had the tenascity and the understanding of my doubts we would not have gotten this far. It was only after that, I saw my error. While she is a very smart and intellectual woman, she just wasn't as versed and familiar with the english language to the level that I assumed. We have found ways around that. Which is why I caution Jlyandco that she may not be understanding his questions and while caution is reccomended, look deeper into the possibilities.

It was clearly my fault in that I just assumed she understood my questions, because she could write, when that just wasn't the case.

We speak almost daily by telephone or email. She doesn't use translators and has limited time at a internet cafe which doesn't permit her a lot of time to try and decyper what I am saying or asking. Our one hour phone calls equate to roughly a 10 conversation in which my thick american southern accent doesn't help improve her english much at all.....L

Ira, I believe Sam is on the money also. Thank you both for your advice! This is a great web site and has been a tremendous help on several fronts. Thank you to Lena and Khashyar.


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