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How much support do you send to your wife's family?
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Posted by: Spakoyna

I think I am entering the grey area of taboo here! I can speak for myself and others I am acquainted with. An expense we did not consider...sending support to our dear ladies families. From a cultural standpoint Russian people hold an obligation to help their parents. I am curious as to how others feel and where do you draw the line. Do you bring her family up to the standard of living you live?

Posted by: bobjf

g/day mate.
we have the opposite problem were natasha's parents worry about us, why ,couldn,t say as they know we live well
mother inlaw keeps asking if they can help us & recently went crook at us for waisting money on a pair of ugg boots for her even though pop says she loves them lol
cheers bob

Posted by: RobOhioGuy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spakoyna

I think I am entering the grey area of taboo here! I can speak for myself and others I am acquainted with. An expense we did not consider...sending support to our dear ladies families. From a cultural standpoint Russian people hold an obligation to help their parents. I am curious as to how others feel and where do you draw the line. Do you bring her family up to the standard of living you live?

IMO there is a difference in helping and being the entire support system. Every situation is different but I dont like the idea of in essence becoming the primary source of income. I dont mind helping but I dont want to be a "meal ticket" either.

Posted by: Jill

Like Bob, his parent's are always trying to help us. We have offerred to send them money, but they have vehemently refused and instead want to send US money (and, no, they are FAR from rich). They just believe that since they are the parents and we are the children, they should be helping us, not the other way around--it doesn't matter where we live and whether or not they can really afford it.

Posted by: skinsfan

like all families, sometimes people can finds themselves in a tight spot...if that happens, i would help. that being said, i personally think it is a bad decision to support your spouse's family. again, it is only my opinion.....everybody's situation is different.....

Posted by: neil277

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spakoyna

Hello

First don't go down this road, if they have a birthday, wedding etc, etc, etc/ but you should not support your wife's family, the two of you have a life together, i'm not saying dont help in a very bad situation but you cannot support your wife and another family every week, month, year.

I know Natalys mum would never take our money out of pride and also being a proud and strong minded person who is in control of her own life and has a good family around her in Belarus.

I hope this helps you.

Regards

Neil

Posted by: Ade

Hi,

We send nothing to help my wife's family. We have sent a little to her younger brother to feed her cat and cover small vet fees.

There's a whole lot more I could say, but our situation isn't quite normal, and I'm guessing most people don't regularly phone friends in gaol in Siberia to help with family problems

Ade

Posted by: RobOhioGuy

Quote:

Originally Posted by neil277

I should add my situation is somewhat unique. My wife's mother has my wifes daughter while we are trying to gain custody of my step daughter. I agree that you do not want to get into the habit of sending money for there support. After all, they had to make ends meet before you came along and married there daughter.

Posted by: Emetsky

$200 USD a month.

Posted by: novotul

My fiance is the primary means of support for my future MIL, an 83 year old widow. The idea that I would not help support my MIL in future, given her situation, is foreign to me.

Many others have quite different situations, in-laws who still work, and so forth. But I cannot understand how pensioners manage to survive these days over there on their own.

Posted by: Greg in Ga

it would take someone without much of a conscience to not want to help the inlaws in some way....My wife has her own business and her own money so whatever she does is her business. When her mom comes over my wife pays her well to help in her shop and she sends the sister some money about everyother month. It's a small price to pay for me moving their daughter and sister 5000 miles.

Posted by: Jutman

Hi
Well, for generel issues like food and so so nothing. But we have bougth a PC for the niece, staying at the in-laws house, so when take pic with the camera, miniuts later, they can see then.
We have agreed that we more or less pay for the communication, this mean the PC need a connection and the sms from the cell phone cost.

And its sre communication there make my wife happy. So its worth every single penni.

Posted by: Leprechaun

Irinas family actually give us money...... its not big but its not small, They tell us "but you are our children" what can we do after refusing 3 times but take it and not insult their kindness, we just take it but trickle it back to them..... shhhh dont tell.

Anyone else get this?

Posted by: ira156

Seems to be a continuing theme here. Most parents or families would not accept out of pride, yet most would like to help in some small way. My future mother in law has her own appt and a dacha, and still works. From what my fiancee tells me she would go balistic if we offered to assist her. I would like to supply communications though....computer and connection though. I will try and point out it would be for us not her. Cheers.

Posted by: bobjf

Quote:

Originally Posted by ira156

Seems to be a continuing theme here. Most parents or families would not accept out of pride, yet most would like to help in some small way. My future mother in law has her own appt and a dacha, and still works. From what my fiancee tells me she would go balistic if we offered to assist her. I would like to supply communications though....computer and connection though. I will try and point out it would be for us not her. Cheers.

mate they are very proud people for the most part
nats parents continue to send us money even though they have been told time & time again please don't
we have opened a saveings account & are going to put it towards blowing there minds when they come out for a holiday

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobjf

Great idea Bob, i think its the only way as refusing or trying to send it back would cause offence......even a savings account for the little guy?

Posted by: Ade

Hi,

Recent developments have seen Seida's mother tell Seida that the flat is hers after she passes away, and her father offer us a choice of a house in a village or a plot of land in town. Plus it looks like Seida may be entitled to now buy the flat she used to live in....so our property portfolio could be expanding (or, still, maybe not).

But though we have helped out with small situations, I wouldn't send money for general help. Her family haven't been good to her in the past, and I'm not forgetting that. PLus, right now, we need our money ourselves.

Ade

Posted by: GoingToRussia

My wife won't take money from me so I spend very little on her and her son. I have to think of creative ways to give her money - like gifts and hiding money before I leave for the airport then telling her after I leave. I'm sure this will change when she moves to the States because we will need to support her son ... I doubt his father will do it!

Posted by: pondr

Like many others have said, my wife's family is generally opposed to receiving money from us. They are the parents, and we are the children

. It is especially difficult for my wife's father, who is a retired career soldier...he was a major in the former Soviet army...he has definite VIEWS on accepting money from us, even though his pension is so small that both he and his wife are required to work simply to have enough to get by.

We do send money, however...we have a separate bank account for them here in the states, and they have a debit card for it. We put in $100 each month (which replaces the lost income my wife generated for the family before she moved here). They usualy don't touch it, but will if something out of the ordinary is needed, such as specialist physician visits and treatment for my MIL.

They know it is there, however, so from what my wife has said, even though they don't often use it, it is a security net for them, which makes them feel a little better about things.

And if they don't use the money, we have planned to use it as a sort of savings account to partially fund their trip here when they come to visit us next year.

It isn't really an extra expense for us either...my wife made me quit smoking

, so we use the money saved from that to fund the savings/assisstance account.

Posted by: Manchester

I had a funny situation with this recently, we are married, her parents came to the wedding, they bought all kinds of things, paid for her wedding dress, bought their own flights etc...........

They point blank refused (even offended) any money from me while they were in England and pre wedding...................

However, now they have asked her for $3000 for a new Toyota! I had already offered to bring them back early 07 for a visit, at my expense, she has rental income from her flat which she does not spend, (much) - They told her she should be working by now but she has no need to and she is not inclined to just yet, so I asked her what she would prefer to do - She said give them the $3000 - in real money that is �1500, of which she has �500 of in her bank, I said I would put up the other �1000 if they did not visit in 07 at our cost, she is happy with that..............

My problem with it is......... if they couldnt afford it why pay for everything and give us $1000 as a wedding gift? Why not just be honest in the first place - Russian pride I guess........

This was apparantly included in the discussion, "we are poor pensioners - our relocated daughter should be working and sending us a few quid" - I said she didnt need to work, but if she intended to support her family she must, as I am not a money tree, she is in no rush to work but feels guilty coz she isnt as Mother says she should...........

My theory is if the parents are struggling then we will help, but for discretionary spending like a Toyota to replace the Lada - how sad, I would like an Aston but there is no Santa that will buy it for me!

Any thoughts folks?

Posted by: bingism

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manchester

I had a funny situation with this recently, we are married, her parents came to the wedding, they bought all kinds of things, paid for her wedding dress, bought their own flights etc...........

They point blank refused (even offended) any money from me while they were in England and pre wedding...................

However, now they have asked her for $3000 for a new Toyota! I had already offered to bring them back early 07 for a visit, at my expense, she has rental income from her flat which she does not spend, (much) - They told her she should be working by now but she has no need to and she is not inclined to just yet, so I asked her what she would prefer to do - She said give them the $3000 - in real money that is �1500, of which she has �500 of in her bank, I said I would put up the other �1000 if they did not visit in 07 at our cost, she is happy with that..............

My problem with it is......... if they couldnt afford it why pay for everything and give us $1000 as a wedding gift? Why not just be honest in the first place - Russian pride I guess........

This was apparantly included in the discussion, "we are poor pensioners - our relocated daughter should be working and sending us a few quid" - I said she didnt need to work, but if she intended to support her family she must, as I am not a money tree, she is in no rush to work but feels guilty coz she isnt as Mother says she should...........

My theory is if the parents are struggling then we will help, but for discretionary spending like a Toyota to replace the Lada - how sad, I would like an Aston but there is no Santa that will buy it for me!

Any thoughts folks?

Bit of a strange one I must admit. I can understand the whole Russian pride from their age-group and I can understand that they are happier asking money from their daughter than from their son-in-law. What I'm not suure about is the $3000 Toyota - you don't get much Toyota for that money (here in Ufa at least). All foreign cars, second hand, would seem to be more expensive than their equivalent models in the UK. Also, a $3000 Toyoyta is going to tank pretty soon out here and parts and repairs are significantly more expensive than the Lada's. Personally it doesn't quite ring true, although I don't mean that there is a dark-side to the request!

Posted by: Ellen

How much proud parents would be and how independent they would be now eventually there willl be a moment when no your few backs ( which you will be so generouse ready to send ... at last) could replace a real help old parets would be in need and which could be got only from somebody next to them ( but not at another end of ocean)

Posted by: Ellen

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manchester

Thoughts?
1. Even new LAda costs more than 3000$
2. I doubt that that flat she now recives rent money for has been bought by her own money but not got with a help of parents in one or another way
3. She should work for not to be depended in her dealing with her own parents on such stingy husband like you

4. To prevent your death about heart atack she should not inform you about money issues she would have with her parents in future.
5. one more thought ..... to get a full meaning of word "struggling" you should replace your car with one of Lada's model

Posted by: Cheburashka

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellen

to get a full meaning of word "struggling" you should replace your car with one of Lada's model

Amen Sister!!!!! My personal favorite is the Lada Sputnik. That is because it takes me 10 minutes to get in and out of the thing.

Posted by: jyden

Why so aggresive after a Lada.

Especially they new onces are ok. Look at this small baby. If I were suppose to buy a new car this fall, it would be this one. Saw it live this winter. Both my wife and me find it a pretty among small cars.

Posted by: Ellen

Quote:

Originally Posted by jyden

Why so aggresive after a Lada.
Especially they new onces are ok. Look at this small baby. If I were suppose to buy a new car this fall, it would be this one. Saw it live this winter. Both my wife and me find it a pretty among small cars.

I guess you like a persone who dealt all your life with western cars used to pay attention to look first of all and an idea that this nice look small baby would not work already after one month does not cross your mind

( Also speaking of struggling you should add russians roads to that small baby to understnad what I meant saying that stingy Manchester just had not idea about "struggling" )

Posted by: jyden

removed

Posted by: Ellen

well anyway a topic is not aout VAZ prodction ( I have strong suspesion though that they gain more money on endless reparing business than on selling new cars , So there will be no hope for us on improving of car's quality

)

Topic is about how much 3000$ for solving problems with old car of her parents and is such a problem an issue only of absent ( or lack ) of money or it's a "matter of principle" for foreigner husands. ( as well as ANY help for her parents)

Posted by: jyden

removed

Posted by: Ellen

Again For me this issue is not about what her family ask for, how proud her parents could be and how well they can manage by their own
Such talks should be about what their daughters ( and daughter's foreigner husbands) are ready to do WILLINGLY , without any ask, without searching for excuses to do nothing , because in majority cases parents are far from managing to do well by their own.

Ps just IMHO but what I have read here and there gave me a impression you ( in general) were rather stingy people

( or with too different ideas about family values)

Posted by: jyden

removed to to personal attack

Posted by: Ellen

Quote:

Originally Posted by jyden

being trifthy is just one way to afford it all. New flat, with new furniture, new kitchen, new electronics, new car, travel abroad and so on.

A car: a piece of iron with 4 wheels and a motor. Who give it a f..k what name it has. Those who does have f..k up values.

Truth tell I didn;t get an idea of your first part of post ( I just have not vocabulary at ah and for translating the word "trifthy")

As for second part then again I suspect that you have NOT dealt with VAZ production on permanent basis Otherwise you would know that talks here are not about how a car looks and what name it has It's about how it works and how much time you have to spend in repairing it vs time you are able to drive it.

Posted by: stevo

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellen

Truth tell I didn;t get an idea of your first part of post ( I just have not vocabulary at ah and for translating the word "trifthy")

He means "thrifty".

Posted by: rak

My russian mother-in-law worked almost all her life while in Russia. She is now over 70 years old. We paid for her to privitize her flat. With that came higher expenses. The govt. has taken away many of the critical benefits afforded to pensioner over the last few years. Prices in Moscow and the surrounding suburbs have risen steadily. Moscow is THE most expensive city in the world now.

Her pension is something like $100 - $150 dollars a month. So think about trying to live on $1800/year while living in the suburbs of Los Angeles.

When you marry someone you marry their family. My russian wife married me for love. Very unlike most russian women ( my opinion). So if you have the means you try and support your new and extended family as needed.

Posted by: JamesB

Liudas family are all quite well off.Her sister oliesia is a journalist and has a daughter with the owner of the biggest paper in Siberia.Her father was a major in the Airforce and mother a geologist.
They actually worry about us mostly as they are all doing well.

Posted by: GentleGiant

Has Oilesa managed to sell any stories about you and Liuda to the Russian papers?? Are you famous in Siberia; crowds of autograph hunters when you go visit??

Posted by: AkMike

Tanya'sfolks are deceased so it isn't a concern on that end but with the DIL's lung operation we have helped for the medical costs. My step son is very concerned that he is the breadwinner for his family and it bothers him to ask for help. But I explained that I am also concerned for my family's health and happiness and they are a big part of that family. I will be there as a cushion if needed for them.

Posted by: GoingToRussia

I'm pretty much supporting them 100% now. She does a little work but not much. She is now busy getting documents ready for her interview.

Posted by: sidney

My wife's family have some changes because of the economy in ukraine. Her brother makes about $200/month and has a wife, who doesn't work (mom), and daughter. They increased his rent to $100/month so he and family moved back home with his mother. The place was even a dump with leaking roof and mold on the walls that needed constant cleaning. Potential health problems. This is gonna be difficult for everyone.
Another problem is that her brother just got a credit card. He ran up a total was late on a payment and they increased his interest to 20+ percent. They oft times don't understand how these things work and find out the hard way. My wife only knew about this when I explained it to her when she got her first card about 5 years ago.
With things as they are I don't understand how the average person there can survive on the meager pay they receive. We complain here in america but it's nothing like what they are forced to live under. Sometimes not even getting a pay check for work performed. Like the old russian joke: we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us.
Sid