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Afraid of a new country
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Posted by: Dant244

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I are in the middle of the marriage visa process and everything about our relationship is really great. We spend every day using Yahoo messenger with video so we can talk and see each other. I have visited her both in Moscow and in her home town of Vladivostok for weeks at a time. She has a son who is 6 and we get along great. We both really love each other and cannot wait to be together and to be a family. She wants to come to America but she has fears especially with her son being able to adjust. I live near the San Francisco area, and I have tried to be as honest about the adjustment as I can, saying that it will be hard but that I will support her and that her son will be like many others who come here without knowing the language. I want to know how anyone else has dealt with the fear of coming to a new country. Do you think being afraid will make her and her son's adjustment impossible? Thanks for any help.

Posted by: firemansam

G'day Dant244!
Mate, I certainly lay no clain to being experienced in this area but I can offer you my thoughts on your post.
The biggest thing I can say is be supportive of both her and her son!
Always remember, in good times and bad (cause I'm sure there will be both), they will have given up EVERYTHING to be with you!
Do everything you possibly can to make their adjustment as easy as possible. Organise time off work and if possible, flexible working routines so that you can help them find their feet in your country. Remember, for them, even going to the local store will be a huge thing!!!!
Keep working with both her and her son with their language skills. Buy books/tapes and oraganise ESL courses. If Jnr is young enough to not be insulted, buy the books that would normally be read by 3-4 year olds that would teach them the basics with big pictures.
Working on their English will be vitally important if they are to ever feel comfortable calling your home theirs.
Find them things that interest them. Doesn't matter what it is, but the day will come when you have to be at work and you may not be able to "entertain" them. If you can identify this early, it will be one less issue for you to worry about. It could be something as simple as a new puppy. It may be something a lot bigger, like engine repair?? Either way, have an interest for them for them for the times you won't be there.
Yes continue to be honestwith them, there are going to be hills to climb. Sometimes you will be climbing together and other times it will be an individual effort. At the end of the day though, only together can you stand, hand in hand and gaze over the view that you will have created together.
My thoughts anyway,
Sam.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Hi Dant,

Sam excellent points mate, I would just add one thing. Dant I think it will be harde on you Fiancee than it will be on her son. He is young and will be fairly resiliant, afterall he will have his mum with him. You Fiancee however is different and she will need support, I know you are aware of this so I will not flog this point to much.

Apart from the point sam made about learning english is good but you dont tell us if you know any Russian, if you know non or only a little then may i suggest you do some learning of her language. It is hard enough to come to a new country but to learn a new language and use this as your sole means of communication is extremely daunting and tiring on a person. You could ease this issue somewhat by talking to her in Russian so she doesn't have to think all the time about how to put the sentence together or does th$is words really suit what I am trying to say. If she is communicating in English all the time she will become exhusted mentally just thinking about it.

This point has been made in a few other threads by others it is not an original thought of mine but having studies and still studying linguistics and languages I can see how it is a valid issue.

Good luck and let us all know how it goes.

Posted by: AkMike

Welcome Dant!
Tell her that you are about to begin the biggest and best adventure of your lives! Your new life together!!! Assure her that you will do everything to make her feel at home and give her free rein in the home for the remodel/ re arrainging ect. Let her "nesting instinct" make her feel it's HER home!

Posted by: Jill

I live in East Bay

My husband just moved here from Ukraine and has adjusted better than expected. There are a lot of people from the FSU here (as you probably already know)--we met another couple from Ukraine a few months ago (completely randomly when buying something off craigslist) and trade dvd's etc with them. As my husband doesn't speak English, this gives him someone to talk to once in a while and I think that has helped him adjust. Also, he participates in a few forums for FSU immigrants in America (and I know one of them has a "Russian California" section where you can connect with others in your area). Sometimes it helps to hear from people who have "been there, done that."

Posted by: skinsfan

it is the fear of the unknown for her. her son will adapt quickly...i have a 15 year old Russian daughter who has been in the USA only 6 months...she is so happy here...it is home to her now. it is your lady that most likely has the greatest fear...it is natural, she will leave her family and friends....all she has ever known...for you !! assure her that she will not lose connection with her family and friends...make sure she attends ESL classes asap. if she is ready, get her a job and drivers license. be patient and understanding at all times !! every woman is different....don't push her too hard.......find Russian groups in your city....all will be okay......

Posted by: Cheburashka

Jill nailed it!!!!! (as usual)

Plug into the local Russian community. Nothing encourages a Russian like another Russian.

Posted by: GreenBarb

I have to agree with Jill. Bringing Vera over her to Ireland was a thrill for her but I have already made contact with other Russians here in Cork and knew where the Russian Shops were. This brought a big smile to her face that she could get the same food here as back home and talk with other Russians.

And of course there is Chris (LEP) and his charming wife Irina, OK they have the problem of being in Dublin, but we will forgive them for that......LOL (Private Joke)
They are great friends to have.

Posted by: GoingToRussia

The Russian community is definetly the answer. I couldn't believe how many FSU women live in my small city of 50,000. When my GF heard this her eyes lit up and they still do when I mention it. Also her son shouldn't have a problem with the language. I've heard that the younger the person, the easier it is to learn a new language.

My GF and I used the MSN equivelant of Messenger. Isn't it great to see her face and hear her voice at the same time?

Good luck to you,
GTR