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need your advice on a lady
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Posted by: em23

hi everyone, i havent posted in a while. my question is this. i have a lady who initiated contact with me. i am 33 years old and she is 26. normally i would be happy that someone started writing, however..

she is a neurologist and will be getting her phd in august. i am nothing more than a computer technician/network analyst. i am nowhere near her level of education. for some reason i just dont feel like i am right for her. as far as medical training is concerned on my behalf, i went as far as EMT(which i am attending a course to recertify).

what im trying to say is that i dont feel that im right for her and it hurts, i have been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and i dont want to lead her on. this isnt a sexist issue as much as it is a educational issue, as i do not hold a phd and only have two years of college, with military training. wouldnt it be better for her to search for someone with a similar background?

like i said before it hurts me, but as much as i like her, i dont think im right for her and i dont think i can contribute to her life.

i would love to hear what you all think. and please dont think this is a sexist issue i am not like that.

Posted by: vic2012

Are all neurologists married to eggheads? I doubt it.

Are you a heart based person? It sounds as if you are letting your head rule your heart.

This lady is looking for love and she's contacted you.

She will be an expert in a very specialist field, but in everything else, she will be an ordinary woman wanting love, friendship and a caring partner.

For what its worth, my advice is to see how much you have in common outside medical matters. Maybe its travel, walking, sailing......you'll have to find out

But if you are a man who feels uncomfortable with your partner earning more than you, then dont go there.
My sister earns much more than her husband. She has a degree and a PGCE. He works in an office. But they have been happily married for 25 years.

Best of luck

Posted by: AkMike

You're already getting the "What If's"?
IMO You're not ready to look for a lady.
If you've never been over there before you won't be aware of this. But there is alot higher level of education there. Don't let a diploma stop a good thing before it begins.

Posted by: ham

people and their "priority" system differ.
if this person feels that this difference can lead to misunderstanding or imbalance, then it probably will, so it is better to steer clear thereof.
Again it's his problem; others can't just make it go away saying they don't feel like that; others may have a different feel about the religious or political or whatever twist.
I think he should interact with the intended woman more, see for himself, but if the feeling of discomfort persists, then saying goodbye is fairer and better for both than counting on some "best self" miracle approach.

Posted by: markgm

Quote:

Originally Posted by em23

hi everyone, i havent posted in a while. my question is this. i have a lady who initiated contact with me. i am 33 years old and she is 26. normally i would be happy that someone started writing, however..

she is a neurologist and will be getting her phd in august. i am nothing more than a computer technician/network analyst. i am nowhere near her level of education. for some reason i just dont feel like i am right for her. as far as medical training is concerned on my behalf, i went as far as EMT(which i am attending a course to recertify).

what im trying to say is that i dont feel that im right for her and it hurts, i have been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and i dont want to lead her on. this isnt a sexist issue as much as it is a educational issue, as i do not hold a phd and only have two years of college, with military training. wouldnt it be better for her to search for someone with a similar background?

like i said before it hurts me, but as much as i like her, i dont think im right for her and i dont think i can contribute to her life.

i would love to hear what you all think. and please dont think this is a sexist issue i am not like that.

Em you should not look at it this way she has initiated contact with you. You should not be intimidated by her qualifications. I left school when i was 15 went to work as a Telecommunications technician I have no PHD's yet for several years I have managed and run a Telecommunications company one thing i have always done is not be intimidated by people becuase of there qualifications best to see how you get along with each other first. Some people have qualifications coming out of there ears and it has not stopped them from falling in love with someone that has less qualifications if it happens it happens no matter what the person's qualifications are.
Be more confident in yourself mate.

Posted by: jpierce55

Let her know your level, if it is an issue for her it is her decision. You could deny both of you something great if you drop her because you are fearing it. Don't choose for her.

Posted by: Chrismc

Good advice by everyone here, I will also add most of these ladies are much more interested in finding a loving man/relationship than a good career.

Chris

Posted by: swindoom

From my experience genuine FSU women do not judge men by their job, they are far more interested in a persons character, attitude to life and the respect they show towards them. Also qualifications are no guarantee of intelligence, I have met many highly qualified people that were as thick as two short planks.

Posted by: Turboguy

First off, If you are going to limit your search to gals who are not highly educated you might as well hang up your spurs now. They are very few and far between.

Second. I see gals with advanced degrees that are working in a store somewhere because the money is better. If it is not important to her, don't let it be important to you. They worry more about a good husband then they do about level of education.

Education and intelligence have little to do with each other. Education means you went to school. Intelligence means you are smart. There is little corolation. Henry Ford had an 8th grade education and Einstien flunked math. You seem intelligent. You wil be able to communicate. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I have had lots of communication with gals with advanced degrees. The last american gal I dated had her MBA vs my 3 years of college. Intellectually we were on the same level and that was one of the things that attracted her.

If you like her, go for it.

Posted by: Mr.Humble

My sister is a nuerologist (research)....only real limiting thing I know for sure is that work for this line of work is limited to larger population centers. Strangely enough...she is married to a computer engineer type guy (and japanese to boot). He has no idea (or interest) in what exactly she does....she is not altogether interested in the world of bits and bytes....but they have very much in common outside of work.

I think the trick is to just 'not talk about work' too much. What a nuerologist finds proffessionally interesting makes me and my brother in law nearly faint with horror (so yeah...we never talk about it). Find some common ground like sport or travel interests...and go from there.

If you are too fixated on the diploma....then forget about it and continue on....

Posted by: neil277

Quote:

Originally Posted by em23

Hello.

I am sorry but i feel you need to move on, you don't believe in yourself and this will crush any chance of a relationship with this lady.

Regards.

Neil

Posted by: vic2012

Further to my message above, I would add something else.

Quote:

i am nothing more than

If thats how you feel about yourself, you have definitely lost. Looks like you need a bit of backbone or assertive training.

And, why on earth are you bringing your medical background into it

Quote:

i just dont feel like i am right for her. as far as medical training is concerned

So, if she were an accountant, by your reckoning, you would heve to go and study mathematics before you could go out with her.

I'm sorry, but I think you are living in a different world to most of us. Theres a lot of good advice about Russian women posted above. Just go for it.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by em23

i dont think im right for her and i dont think i can contribute to her life.

Isn't that for her to decide em23?

You sound as if you have low self esteem, if so then that is what a lot of FSU men sufffer from, she will not find it attractive!! maybe you should really look at yourself and ascertain whether you are right for a relationship with an intelligent lady from a foreign country.

Most of the FSU women I have met from the large cities anyway are very highly educated and know what they want, sometimes in the smaller towns/villages they may not be as well educated, maybe if you ultimately decide this lady is not for you, you should start looking there instead of the larger cities and towns especially if this is something that you cannot handle personally??

Maybe something else for you to consider anyway?

Chris

Posted by: em23

i want to thank everyone here for their response and advice. it has helped me to put a new perspective on this.

i think you guys nailed the reason as to why i thought this way. the day i posted this thread was a really bad one for me and i think i indirectly focused on this lady's education. you see, i have recently reentered the dating scene after the death of my wife from cancer, and has NOT been a good experience for me.

i think this has to do more with the fear of the unknown or fear of a failed relationship than wether or not someone has a phd or a master's degree, i think i was making excuses just so i could run back into my comfort zone. btw, i did list my profession on my profile, and she still contacted me. i have had issues with my esteem in the past and they resurfaced since my wife's passing. i felt survivor's guilt. it was a very happy marriage, and i was the luckiest man in the world.

but now i have to start all over again, and find someone again because i truly want to share my life with someone and have a family to come home to, but at times im very scared of losing a loved one again. sometimes fear will paralyze and blind someone like it was when i posted this thread. i was so stunned when she wrote to me, not just because of her intelligence but because she just happened to be SO INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL to me, that i fell into the "its too good to be true" realm.

"why on earth would such a beautiful and smart woman be interested in me", i told myself

i will continue to write to her and i going to call her. wether or not we are a match only time will tell. ill tell you one thing though, im sick and tired of belittling myself.

Posted by: AkMike

EM,
Let me say that I'm sorry for your loss.
If you feel that you're ready to start living again and are over the grieving then go for it . If not then wait for the scars to heal.
LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

Posted by: em23

Quote:

Originally Posted by AkMike

EM,
Let me say that I'm sorry for your loss.
If you feel that you're ready to start living again and are over the grieving then go for it . If not then wait for the scars to heal.
LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

mike, i am ready to start over. i have cried enough, more than enough. im tired of the pity party i have been giving myself.

Posted by: Turboguy

Actually EM, I think you will find Russian gals pretty good for your self esteem and confidence. They really do care less about eductation and looks than American women do and you will find that you will build your self confidence a lot in your persuit. American women on the other had can do the opposite without even trying.

We all have to move on with our life sometime and it does sound like you are ready. I too am very sorry for your loss. I have never gone through anything like that but it has to be devistating. I am sure your wife would want your happiness. Write your new gal, call her, go visit her. She is going to like you. You are a good guy with a good heart and that is exactly what is important to her.

Posted by: AkMike

EM,
Turbo is right. Based on the folks that I met , friends of Tanya's. the people over there are as good or better than the ones here in many ways. IMHO
The women there want the same basics as the women here. If she is for real and not a "Hairy Ivan" then you've got a real second chance at happiness. Be cautious but don't look back into the past.

Posted by: ham

Quote:

If thats how you feel about yourself, you have definitely lost. Looks like you need a bit of backbone or assertive training.

i don't think he needs to "grow a spine" or other suggestive term.
in fact, one needs more spine to exert restraint than to jump blindly into doomed relationships.
he's simply realistic about himself.
he's just the next man with the next reason, same as the one who is "too religious" or "not religious enough/at all", "into BDSM" or against it.
If he had said: "i'm an atheist but she's very religious" things would look very different, but there is no such big difference.

As well, he is whatever he is.
Perhaps he should change, have greater self esteem, lose 40 pounds, grow hair, grow taller, compete as a professional snowboarder...no idea.
Hell, if i lost 80 pounds i could look like mr.universe.
The problem is that is unrealistic...that is never going to happen.
He must fit in with whatever he's got right now just the way it is.

As some say, FSUWs are on average better educated than WWs.
Talking generalities, she may be ready to settle for second best now, but she may want a "career" later...or more interesting conversation.
Barney made it & he married a triple Ph.D in molecular biology while he's a plumber...will that work for Pedro...and Leroy?
I guess Pedro knows better & should trust his gut instinct.

Posted by: em23

it has been a hell of a challenge to meet someone through an agency. i started searching for a bride several months ago, and its really hard to gauge someones intentions through letters and fone calls. jumping into a relationship isnt something i want to do, but neither is simply dismissing every contact i make with someone.

what struck me as peculiar, was the fact that i had made this lady a favorite in my online account and 3 days later she wrote to me. i asked the agency if the lady was notified that i made her a favorite and they said no. this could be a case of mutual attraction, either that or the agency isnt fully truthful on the matter. be that as it may im going continue to write and call her and see where it goes.

who knows, she could be the one...

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Em, all I want to say is "Go for it", and that I to am sorry for your loss. If this is what you want then take the chance and find the happiness you are looking for.

Good luck mate.

Posted by: markgm

Quote:

Originally Posted by em23

it has been a hell of a challenge to meet someone through an agency. i started searching for a bride several months ago, and its really hard to gauge someones intentions through letters and fone calls. jumping into a relationship isnt something i want to do, but neither is simply dismissing every contact i make with someone.

what struck me as peculiar, was the fact that i had made this lady a favorite in my online account and 3 days later she wrote to me. i asked the agency if the lady was notified that i made her a favorite and they said no. this could be a case of mutual attraction, either that or the agency isnt fully truthful on the matter. be that as it may im going continue to write and call her and see where it goes.

who knows, she could be the one...

Em Welcome to the world of R/W & FSU women,

If you find the right one mate you will have a real big ego boost as they certainly know how to treat a man that they really do love. You will find that they are real ladies and like to be treated as such, and the right one will put her family first that means you and any children way before education and career. Dont be intimidated by there beauty mate most of them just think they are ordinary.
Go on mate have a good shot at it but one of the first things you should do after a couple of letters is to get a telephone number from her and call to try and eliminate any scammers.

Take care Mark

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by markgm

EM

I echo what Mark/Oz and the others say, they are correct and talk from experience...............just go for it if you feel you are now ready

Chris

Posted by: AkMike

FWIW, My bride has 2 masters degrees. I have about 1 1/2 yrs of college, ask me if it bothers us...

NOPE!

Posted by: RBS

Em23

You are in a painful place in your life. Obviously you devalue yourself. If you can't love yourself how can you love someone else? You are right. You are unworthy of this woman because you are unworthy of yourself. Grow a sense of self respect and you will do yourself and others a power of good. The problem in your case is that you are immature. You think too much about yourself. This is a typical adolescent trait and one that computer geeks tend to drag with themselves into their 30's. First off, just recognize that you are man with balls and spirit and something to give. Respect yourself! Then lay into the ladies. Go to a disco and tell them all they are beautiful. Have fun! Be playfull. This pathetic little washed down thing you are presenting yourself as here will only invite grief.

Gib

Posted by: Turboguy

Of course he is at a painful point in his life Gib, he went through something more painful than lots of us ever have to. Getting your life and your self esteem back takes some time. Go for your dreams. Russian women are the best cure for self esteem there is.

Gib, I am fighting back what I really feel about your post but I will say I do feel sorry for whatever gal you end up with.

Posted by: em23

its all good turbo, im sure gib meant well (well at least i think so

seriously though the more responses i read here the more i see how ridiculous it was to hold such a view in the first place. i think i hit an emotional bottom, the day i started this thread, and thankfully im a lot better now. in my lady's last letter she asked if i could call her. i contacted the agency and arranged for a call. and i wouldnt have done it without you guys reflecting this back to me.

what a difference 48 hours make....

Posted by: AkMike

From what I've read I am wondering just how much healing time you've given yourself.
Are you setting yourself up for a rebound disaster?

Maybe it's time for some soul searching before 2 lives get messed up rather than fixed.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Turbo I wish I was as much of a gentleman as you are but I couldn't look past RBS's post and let crap like that slide.

Sorry RBS but you say your a social scientist, by your last post it didn't look that way. That was a slack act and one that deserves open condemnation.

I feel you are hunting for something else with your posts on the RMP, I can't pick it yet apart from all the free stats you can gather in a most biased way. I think you need to show how much of a social scientist you are and start showing some social concience with your actions and methods.

Posted by: em23

Quote:

Originally Posted by AkMike

From what I've read I am wondering just how much healing time you've given yourself.
Are you setting yourself up for a rebound disaster?

Maybe it's time for some soul searching before 2 lives get messed up rather than fixed.

im being very careful mike. believe me. im not going to try to replace what i lost, just find someone new. i have done a lot of soul searching. we lived for years with the cancer and now that its over i really want to start a new chapter in my life, but like i stated before, i aint jumping into anything. just taking it day by day.

Posted by: markgm

Quote:

Originally Posted by em23

Em Contrary to what some have said here go fot it mate who better than a R/w or FSU woman to give you an ego boost there charming intelligent and real ladies if you find a good one. When and if you finally do meet your lady they give you an air of confidence that can't be described unless you experience it for yourself.
We are all here to support and help you if you need it the more i venture out of the Aussie forum the more negative posters i am encountering lately. It's true that you can never replace that which is lost but you can have something just as good if not better as each new relationship comes with its own rewards and challenges.
Venturing into the world of the R/W FSU/W is a real adventure in itself so goodonyah it takes some pretty big Kahoona's to do so.
Use the experience of other members to help you out especially with scammers there's alot of people on this forum with vast amounts on knowledge that would be willing to help you and advise you with the adventure your about to begin.

Posted by: RobOhioGuy

Quote:

Originally Posted by em23

I would agree with you. If there are huge disparities in areas of your life with your spouse/potential spouse you are going to have problems. That doesnt mean that the relationship is doomed but it does mean it will be a serious challenge. Some things you can change, others you cant. If she is smoking hot and you are well, hard on the eyes... thats going to eventually be a problem (in most cases) If she is exceptionally intellegent and you're not that WILL be a problem.

If she wants to continue to work (and she will) and she is making big bucks (and she will) and you are pulling down 50,000 a year that is another area potential problems.

Lets say she comes to the US and wants to work as a neurologist here. She will have to obtain all of the proper certifications to practice here and in all likely hood will have to do a significant portion of schooling. To work in nuerology here. BTW a neurologist is an MD not a PHD.

here is the requirements (in general) for the US:
Education

-Four years of premedical education in a college or university
-Four years of medical school resulting in an MD or DO degree (doctor of medicine or doctor of osteopathy degree)
-One year internship in either internal medicine or medicine/surgery
-At least 3 years of specialty training in an accredited neurology residency program

Once she has a license to practice and has done her residency a neurologist can make some serious jack. Easily 4 or 5 times what the median income is in the US.

Can it be done? Sure. Will it be difficult beyond all of the other challenges that you would normally face with a bride from the FSU? Much, much more so. She is far more educated and will likely earn far more than you. Her peers will earn far more than you.... dont fool yourself. This will be very diffucult.

Posted by: em23

Quote:

Originally Posted by RobOhioGuy

that is something im being very observant about. i should start talking to her for the first time in a few hours. we'll see where this takes us.