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Been stupid and need advice
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Posted by: JamesB

I am getting married in may to a rw from siberia.We have written and text and called for almost a year and finally met in egypt.She is younger than me and agreed to marry me.We marry in prague.Everything seemed perfect and she says she loves me etc and i feel trhe same.We chat every nite on messenger for hours.I read lots about scammers and like a fool sent her an email using a friends name.I said i often travelled to russia.She told me she recieved this mail which made me happy.Then like a fool i raised the anti and said i would be visting her town berdsk and would she like to meet and spend the nite with me as i am very wealthy.She told mae again and i was really relieved.But then being stupid i mentioned sex and dollars and wanted to meet.I asked her if she had heard from this guy and she said no,but she did reply to him/me and agreed to meet.I was horrified and my heart sank.I confronted her and she said she had known it was me.We have got over this as i do love her but i still have this doubt.I know i was a fool but what should i do .We do love each other.My point to her was if she thought it was me then why not say no.

Posted by: Texas Proud

Let's get some more information.....

Did you meet and agree to marry before you wrote to her using a frineds name?

Is there any mentions of your friend in any of your previous emails?

Did this 'rich' guy write like you do?

When she mentioned it to you before you upped the ante to sex with a rich guy... did you talk about it a lot or just say "OK"...?

What IS the age difference between you two?

There are many places you could have tipped her off and she could be telling the truth to you that she did know it was you... but I am a skeptic in these admissions after the fact.... go back and read the letters she wrote to the 'rich' guy and see if there is ANYTHING that would suggest that she knew it was you..

And then finally, will this be a problem with you if you marry???? If you do not have full trust in her, then do NOT get married... it will end in disaster..

Posted by: swindoom

It is very disturbing that she is engaged to you but willing to meet a rich foreign stranger who is willing to pay for sex. Either she is willing to check out other men in the hope she finds someone better or she is willing to prostitute herself, neither of which give a good impression of her reasons for wanting to marry you.

Posted by: JamesB

Hi and thanks for your reply.Well i had never mentioned my friend and she told me he wanted to sleep with her .She wrote him saying she was happy with me and was moving to uk soon.I am 45 and she is 25 and when we meet we get on brilliant.When she mentioned guy i pretended i was med at him.Then the next mail i said i was visiting her town and offered$750 to have dinner and stay nite.Then when i ask if she heard anymore she said no.But she mailed saying when does he arrive where is he staying and she would just meet.when i confronted her she said she had known it was to do with me and said yes to make me own up.I know i have been foolish but its driving me mad because she doeasnt explain.

Posted by: swindoom

I think she does not explain because she knows you will not like her explaination. You have to decide if this a forgivable error on her part or something more serious which indicates major problems in the future. The age difference is big but not a major problem if she is genuine, if she is 25 and never married before you may want to ask yourself why.

Posted by: JamesB

Thanks for your reply.Im finding this so dificult.We are online so much and everything she says is positive.When we were together she never asked for a thing.In egypy i ran out of cash and she helped me.Its just i really pushed the email thing offering money to meet and i believe she was going to meet,but she insists she was not and wont say how she knew i was involved.It really put a shadow over a perfect relationship.I she arrives in june.She is very attractive and weekends i work in a big aussie niteclub as security.That will bring another problem because the young guys will love her.

Posted by: Brucey

Let's face it James, you f*cked up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesB

I am getting married in may to a rw from siberia.

Not anymore your not.

Posted by: JamesB

Thanks for the usefull comment.

Posted by: swindoom

It does sound like things were going great but you must have had some suspicions if you decided to test her in this way. Maybe you feel insecure because she is a young beautiful woman, young guys in the night club should not be a problem if she is genuine and she is marrying you for the right reasons. Maybe you have serious doubts and used the emails to confirm them. I know it is very hard but if it were me I would have to end it as trust is a major part of any relationship.

Posted by: Texas Proud

First... the age difference is a major problem.. not an impossible one, but major... people with that age difference have more problems being at different points in their lives... as I said, not impossible, but difficult...

BUT, it seems that she is real nice to you for one of two things:

> She actually loves you and wants to be with you

> She is acting nice to you because you are spending money on her and wants to have a better place... and if you turn out to be OK, that is great, but if you do not.... kick you to the curb and find someone else

Now, with the information you gave... I can not tell... did you make any kind of suggestion that maybe someone else was writing to her, or did she just out of the blue tell you ''I got a letter today from someone else"?

My radar would tell me to drop her... but you have to live with your decision...

Posted by: martin3030

The age difference may later turn out to be a problem but thats not the immediate issue.
Both of you have been foolish.
While you will maybe never know the truth from this,She DOES.
You can continue to dwell on this or put it behind you.
Your actions here show insecurity and sometimes its good to keep things in the head rather than in the open.
If you cannot put this behind you theres big problems ahead.
Good thing is that you have made a start to do just that quite simply whats done is done think more carefullynext time but better still have some confidence in your relationship going forward from here.

Posted by: clever1

Hi James

You say youv'e been corresponding for over a year, with her.
If youv'e been on a messenger programme every night, for hours on end chatting, for a long time, where would she find the time to deceive you ?

Is she on any agency profiles ?

If not, where would anyone from abroad, except someone who knows her get her email address ?

You say you met in Egypt, was that the only time you've met her ?

Would you propose to a Western woman having met her once ?

I think you have been a bit hasty, but then I don't know her, neither does anyone else on here, YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE, based on what you saw when you met, and the content of all those chats.

John

Posted by: JamesB

Thanks again,well first she has not had one penny from me ,in fact when we met she actually paid for a diving trip for me.I have offered her money in small amounts for calls etc but she always declines.She insists the age gap is no problem as her last guys were quite abusive.I asked her again earlier omn line and she was quite upset but finally admitted that certain words i write are not always correct.I called her and she was actually crying because i doubted her.I think i have learned my lesson here because things were so good i was looking for something to go wrong as usual.I thank you sincerly fot your imput as times like this can be hard,Many thanks again.

Posted by: martin3030

Good reply James go for it.
My wife and me roughly same ages yes we do quarrel but no more than the next one and age is never mentioned
Of course for others it can be made into a prob dont let it happen.
Good luck and stay around here...we might be asking you for advice too one day !

Posted by: joelunchbox

This sounds like an opportunity to me.
In my humble opinion.....you might consider coming clean with her. And explain why you did it. Now is a good time to clear the air.
She now knows you are jealous and that isn't really a bad thing in small doses.
Personally, I dont' think twenty years is too much. Just make sure you have the "want/don't want babies" thing figured out between you and her.....you better just count on the baby thing....

In a couple of days you will either have a much stronger relationship
or
no relationship
You can read about my adventures elsewhere in RMP. 8 months of correspondence and a trip before the WTF moment... it hurts for a little while.

Posted by: JamesB

Hi and thanks for the reply.The age thing is more of an issue for me than her,but im pretty fit still playing rugby etc.Babies.She has made me promise that we can try for one next year and this was her idea not mine.I really appreciate all the comments i recieved it has really helped.

Posted by: Ade

Hi James,

It does sound like you've been a bit silly, and now you aren't sure what to think. You don't know if you can trust her.....and if she did know it was you, I'd expect her to be quite hurt about it.

As others have said, knowing if she had (or has) her profile on dating sites would at least give some clue as to whether or not someone else could have written to her, or if it had to be you.

There's also the question of why you did it....but then maybe it's just as well you did it.

Looking at it the other way, how would you feel if someone did this to you.....would you still trust or respect them enough to marry them?

Good luck with it,

Ade

Posted by: JamesB

Thanks,i appreciate everything you said,As i said before it is so good it seems too good.I checked every scam registar and just got caught up in the whole thing.She is still on bride ru but has had no mail for ages she on page 300 and something.It was first mail in ages .We have resolved things now and im just going to be grateful for this second chance.Thanks for your opinion it was valued.

Posted by: jpierce55

If you still have doubt somebody here could always try to writer her and say they saw her profile on Bride.ru It is a rough thing for you but I would be skeptical that she knew it was you.

Still it is impossible to tell.

I guess one of my big questions is why Egypt?

Posted by: martin3030

Quote:

Originally Posted by joelunchbox

This sounds like an opportunity to me.
In my humble opinion.....you might consider coming clean with her. And explain why you did it. Now is a good time to clear the air.
She now knows you are jealous and that isn't really a bad thing in small doses.
Personally, I dont' think twenty years is too much. Just make sure you have the "want/don't want babies" thing figured out between you and her.....you better just count on the baby thing....

[Joe can you say exactly what you mean by `the baby thing`
Sounds like generalising but its not the way to be thinking here[or as far asI hve seen ]
on the RMP
Dont really know what to add but RW are humans like the rest of us
Time tells and u got to give as well as taking
Simple as

Posted by: Cheburashka

James, I debated with myself whether or not I should post my sentiments, so here goes:

You don't need to be getting married. Not to her, not to anyone. You haven't showed the character or integrity to have an open and honest relationship with a woman. Get that worked out in your head, and then go fishing again later.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first learn to deceive!"

Sorry dude. I wish you the best in life.

Posted by: cedarwind

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cheburashka

James, I debated with myself whether or not I should post my sentiments, so here goes:

You don't need to be getting married. Not to her, not to anyone. You haven't showed the character or integrity to have an open and honest relationship with a woman. Get that worked out in your head, and then go fishing again later.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first learn to deceive!"

Sorry dude. I wish you the best in life.

My thoughts register the same.....It seems to me you have some personal things you should work out before you get married, If you do not your train of thought will not change after marriage and the lack of trust for both involved will grow and cause an end to the marriage.

I think if you are having second thoughts about the age different�.about the other guys at the club chasing after her�..

IT IS A PROBLEM NO MATTER WHAT SHE TELLS YOU!!

If it bothers you now it will bother you even more when you see it happening.

Posted by: JamesB

Hi ,thanks.The reason it was egypt was ,she was due here in london abd they did not give her a visa so she went to egypy and i met her there.I saw her passport with no stamped on it.

Posted by: RoninRWP

James,

I know that this issue is eating at you. Everyone here has given you sobering advice. The situation is or your own making.

What did up expect her to do when you confronted her? She's a RW. She would never admit fault. Now you are left with this burning in your gut. Can you have a marriage with a RW that you can't trust? Are you willing to be in a doubtful marriage for a year or two to prove that you were right of wrong?

If you are willing to overlook this episode and truly put it behind you, what will she think of you? On one hand, she knew you were the rich guy. Of course no one likes to be tested, yet why would she be willing to not pass the test and cast your impending marriage away? Is your relationship that disposable to her? By overlooking this you are letting her know that you are at fault for decieving her in the first place. Are you willing to enter a marriage where your future wife believes that she has the upper hand since you value marriage more than her and the shame is on you?

If she didn't know that you were the rich guy. It seems clear that the deciding factor was when quick money entered the equation. It would have been for one evening and for all we know she may have declined such an offer upon seeing the rich guy... then again maybe not. In any case, you would not be the wiser. By overlooking this you will be seen as a husband that can be deceived by events that happen in plain sight.

Perhaps only one of these situations is true. Neither is a good place to be in at the beginning of a marriage relationship. If you want to know the answer it will take about 2 years of agony. And after this you may have a blissful marriage or another 2 years of agony in separation and divorce. It's your call.

RoninRWP

P.S. Cheburashka was right that some things are better left unsaid.

Posted by: andreas

James you need to put youself in a similar situation, just imagine a stunning young blonde contacted you and you started chatting, then on day she asks to meet just once because she thinks you are sexy, would you consider it?

Your girl is young and she may at times make silly decisions, you must expect this. The fact she agreed to meet mr Big Bucks means nothing, she would have maybe thought about it afterwards and backed out (you will never know). Point is dont let your imagination run wild or it may ruin a good relationship, It seems to me you do love her so I can't see you dumping her over this, especially since it was you who was the devils advocate.

I say water under the bridge and best of luck to you

Posted by: Volga Trader

Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesB

Hi and thanks for the reply.The age thing is more of an issue for me than her,but im pretty fit still playing rugby etc.Babies.She has made me promise that we can try for one next year and this was her idea not mine.I really appreciate all the comments i recieved it has really helped.

If she is talking babies, you just grovel, thank your lucky stars you didn't wreck things completely and get on with it. However, you are gong to have to work very hard on your jealousy. If you feel inequality between you, you are more likely to drive her out with jealousy than she is to leave. Are you ready for fatherhood? The babies will always outcompete you.

Posted by: bushman

James

My thoughts are that you are showing signs of insecurity and is that caused by the age difference and her looks etc? What are you going to be like when she is with you and you see her talking and laughing with another man, are you going to trust her?
I think you need to look at yourself and decide whether you are doing the right thing for you and you are not being blinded by a younger woman, showing an interest in you.

Nearly made that kind of mistake myself!

Posted by: skinsfan

Hi James....it appears that you and your lady have worked things out....my Russian wife is 15 yrs younger than i am, but in reality we never even think of it. my advice to you is to be consistant with your personality, be secure with yourself at all times.....when jealousy rears its head, bad things happen....remember, most Russian women want a strong secure man.....good luck and put all of the previous feelings to rest.

Posted by: Ms.Smarty Pants

James, I am sorry to hear about your troubles with this woman.
What I read in your message sounds to me like there is a lack of
commitment between you and your woman. I know you will agree with me.
Your behavior indicates a lack of trust between you from both sides.
Again, I know you will agree with me.
This woman and you are still playing games with each other.
Using other nicks in the Internet, other pictures... . My God!
I am simply shocked! No words to describe my feelings here!
I don't know what else to tell you.
God forbid to meet such jealouse man!

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cheburashka

You don't need to be getting married. Not to her, not to anyone. You haven't showed the character or integrity to have an open and honest relationship with a woman.

Yeah... this is good advice... probably accurate.

===BUT===... I have had girlfriends put me through the same test and I FAILED ***MISERABLY***! You know how it goes... you just starting dating seriously... and some good friend of hers you have not met yet comes along and flirts SHAMELESSLY-leading you on.

Needless to say, or perhaps needed to say, I have been caught with my hands in the cookie jar (especially the sexy, frilly cookie jar). So Brad has been ***BUSTED*** in the fidelity test.

Che--- agree he does not need to get married... he oughta DATE AROUND more. If you worry about their honesty... GOOD GOD don't marry 'em.

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ms.Smarty Pants

God forbid to meet such jealouse man!

Now Smarty Pants... this is not an act of jealousy. He is just making sure everything is as real as it seems.

Read my post above... and... well... I did not do so well in these tests in the past.

Posted by: bingism

Gotta say, I kinda feel sorry for James - this was some time ago and he's sorted all this out and both he and his fiancee have moved on....

This is a "bloke'ism".... you're having a hard time dealing with the distance, after you've spent a couple of hours talking with your other half it's too late to do much else, so you plonk yourself in front of the PC and start reading a load of horror stories on the internet. You come up with a plan, tell yourself it's the dumbest thing you've ever thought of and then do it anyway.... a straightforward, testosterone fuelled, schoolboy error!

That aside, the offer of 3-months' average wage for a dinner and "we'll see" is rather a lot - if this was the UK, it would be the equivalent of �6000 ($10000)!! That'd make any 25-year old think twice.... doesn't mean you'd go through with it though!

I suggest that this subject needs to be dropped or locked as I'm sure James does not want his old news being churned up anymore.

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally Posted by bingism

I suggest that this subject needs to be dropped or locked as I'm sure James does not want his old news being churned up anymore.

Well... since James has moved on- what is the problem?

But the issue involved is quite relevant, and sadly, not discussed so frequently around here--- UNTIL someone asks for advice.

I stand by my above-posts. You can pull stunts like this as a truth barometer, I guess--- but you need to be mentally prepared to handle the answer... the answer YOU HOPE you don't hear.

A thought...

Posted by: bingism

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradIL

I stand by my above-posts. You can pull stunts like this as a truth barometer, I guess--- but you need to be mentally prepared to handle the answer... the answer YOU HOPE you don't hear.

A thought...

I never said you weren't correct.... LOL Annoyingly, my Dad was correct about a few things and always used to say "Don't ask a question unless you will accept both answers!" In his case it meant he was about to say "no", but the statement is valid nonetheless

Posted by: JamesB

Hi guys ,well im a bit surprised to find im away for a while and come back and all the old stuff that happened seems to have been rehashed.Just to let you all know that Liuda and i are both fine and the wedding goes ahead in 3 weeks.I have no doubts about Liuda whatsoever and what i did at the time was a mistake,but at the time i was misreading signals and that is easy to do when so far apart.I Will find out soon about the date the documentary will be shown and as far as i know its in july and called Diary of a love affair.As for rehashing my ad i would rather the subject was dropped but i guess if it serves to help somebody it served a purpose..

Posted by: Wanderer

Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesB

Hi guys ,well im a bit surprised to find im away for a while and come back and all the old stuff that happened seems to have been rehashed.Just to let you all know that Liuda and i are both fine and the wedding goes ahead in 3 weeks.I have no doubts about Liuda whatsoever and what i did at the time was a mistake,but at the time i was misreading signals and that is easy to do when so far apart.I Will find out soon about the date the documentary will be shown and as far as i know its in july and called Diary of a love affair.As for rehashing my ad i would rather the subject was dropped but i guess if it serves to help somebody it served a purpose..

Hey mate the gf just told me it's unlucky to marry in May accouding to Russian custom, anyone else heard this one?

Don't suppose you wanna here that though - hang on till June!!

Wanderer

Posted by: andreas

Good for you James

Wanderer, I hope you dont go in for that bad luck stuff, I've walked under ladders, broken glass and thrown in the bin every email or letter that said I will suffer if I dont pass it on.

If anything happens I will let you guys know, will give you a sign or something.

Posted by: JamesB

My parents were married in May and they they have been married 47 years.I believe we make our own luck in this life.Im probably trhe least superstitios person you will meet.Liuda is russian but has no problems with may.Life is what you make of it.