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What are your expectations when your fiance arrives?
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Posted by: searcher

What things do you think you fiance will need and expect upon her (or his) arrival?

When a person relocates to another country with a different language and culture, they will have some difficulties assimilating.

For many women that come here from the former Soviet Union, they essentially leave behind their whole lives to start anew. They leave the only life they knew for someone and something they hope is worth their efforts. They leave their family and friends, their personal belongings, sometimes a good job and an apartment which they may own outright.

When this person arrives, they are very much like your own child - completely dependent upon you for their needs in addition to their wants.

You must have a realistic understanding of what this may consist of until they are capable of providing for themselves, etc.

Consider your own spending habits for the BASIC things you need to live, even simple toiletries - tooth paste, soap, deodorant, etc... How much do you think you spend upon yourself for your day-to-day necessities???? Now consider that you may spend this amount (and possibly more) for another person!

When your fiance arrives, (s)he may have nothing of even the basic items! You will in a short period of time have to stock up on some of the basic items and during the course of a year or two, you may have to buy clothing and other necessities.

I want to know what things do you think you would need to provide? How much do you anticipate spending?

Do you have the patience to handle the misunderstandings and communications problems?

I ask because as I hear stories of other peoples lives and experiences - some good and some BAD - I am left asking what are the expectations of those who await the arrival of their fiance?????

I currently know of a situation that is seemingly bad. I'm waiting to see what becomes of it. Sometimes i'm left asking myself what were the intentions of the men (and sometimes women) that seek a foreign spouse.

Many FSU women now hear stories on the news in their country about foreign men that want FSU women as servants/housekeepers, trophy wives, sex servants/slaves, etc..... Often it is not true but what about those times when it does happen?

Sometimes the abuse comes from anger when people have unrealistic expectations of the new spouse or the life style they assumed they would have.

Tell me what you think? What do you think your fiance will need? What do you think they expect?

Posted by: Keith In Kodiak

A very interesting topic! And one I'll follow closely since my Kat will be here in just over a month.

As you know, I live in a pretty rugged and remote place. We've talked about this many times but I'm still not sure she really grasps what living in a place like this can be like.
She's looking forward to the natural beauty (this really is one of the most wild and beautiful places on earth), but I don't think she's appreciating how small the town really is.
On the other hand, she's really a home-body. She doesn't like to go out to clubs or restaurants. She prefers the quiet life and home cooked meals.

So... maybe it'll be fine. There's a blues bar here that brings in name acts about once a month. I hope I don't have to drag her out of the house to go!

And, there's always flying away somewhere. You get used to this in Alaska. We can always wing our way down to Vegas or Hawaii or something (have to stay in the US next two years) for a little R&R.

Posted by: lester

Having spent 4 weeks in total visiting my Tancheska and her visiting me here for 6 weeks, We have a pretty good understanding of our respective likes and needs.
Of course they have to travel "light", 23kg was the BA limit, so only essentials were carried.
Her day to day needs, particularly the "femine" needs, were quickly purchased, this included a new hair-dryer!!!.. Thanks Tesco..
English lessons would be a must for some too, you can only teach so much between yourselves , plus they are not cheap, once you find a school or college that has places. The UK costs average Ł6.60 per hour.

Finding her some work, this was discussed at length between us. She needs her independance and she insists that we both share the expense of living in UK.
Property re-furbishments are also on her wish list. This includes extra heating, changing decoration and some minor alterations to the garden layout.

Naturally, all will not happen overnight,and with compromise we have the priority tasks agreed.
Budget, well I guess Ł1000+
The expensive part of East/West relationships is in the visits and those Visas!
Our wedding will cost a fair bit too!

As for the reasons why I looked overseas for a partner, well enough on this subject has been posted many, many times.

Thats my 2 grivinyas'

Posted by: clever1

I think one of the most important thing your partner would need is,
Reassurance.

As he/she gets to know the layout of the place they have moved to, learns a better grasp of the language, the local currency and most importantly the daily impact of life in general of such a move.

JMHO

John

Posted by: Spakoyna

Searcher,there are many variables here.These are some of my experiences.

Food...most Russian people eat better quality food than we do. Throw the can food,TV dinners,etc. out the window. Expect to buy alot of fresh fruits and vegetables.

Medical Insurance and getting your lady on a regular regiment with the doctor and dentist. Many do not consider these costs.

Clothes,depends on your situation...what is appropriate for where you are,etc. How many clothes she has now(probably not many). My wife helps me in my business and we need to wear nice casual clothes. I figured I would need to spend $2-3K in the beginning. Not sure but I think I went over budget.

Creams and makeup. I thing this catches all us men offgaurd!

As my wife puts it adaptation! Our climate is much different. They are not used to air conditioning and my wife and most the women she knows say it takes about a year! My biggest surprise was how cold natured and how low her tolerance to temperature changes was.

Clever brought up one of the most important points! Reassurance and a lot of patience. No matter what anyone tells you it is not an easy thing for anyone to move away from family,friends,ie the home she has known all her life!

Posted by: jeffs

Great questions... I'm going the other direction so I can tell you what I am feeling about moving to a country where I don't speak the language, understand the culture, or have a clue as what to expect.

What kills most relationships? To me it's money. As a man I am expected to be a provider. While a professional and an Entrepreneur I do ok by most standards here (just shy of 100k last year), not speaking Russian I’m going to be in deep trouble. I’m expecting that my wife to be will help me with getting set up for Russian language classes. So I’d guess spouses coming the other way would expect the same help.

Patience… My Svetik once asked me what a word meant and I was really busy. I sent her a link to dictionary.com. After a second I realized that was not the right thing to do. I stopped what I was doing and took the time to explain it. I hope she will do the same for me.

Responsibility… I don’t know the laws, regulations and customs of Russia. I am expecting her to understand her own world well enough to steer us clear of trouble. That means ensuring that we have the right contracts for housing, know how to pay our bills on time, can manage our money to provide for at least the essentials and of course to keep me from breaking a law or doing something that is construed rude in that culture. (No body wants to feel like an idiot).

What I expect upon arrival?

Aside from those things listed above. I expect to have suitable housing and a working household (phone, internet, appliances, etc). I expect to have the transportation system shown to me. The ability to move around = freedom. I expect to be shown how and where to get essential items. This includes at a bare minimum how to perform simple transactions with money. I expect to be taught about the postal system, and costs regarding telecommunications back home. Communication = freedom. I expect to be supported emotionally through what will be a very difficult transition. I may be a little more emotionally needy than I was back home. I expect my spouse to realize that I have made a huge sacrifice by moving. This is true for the guys and gals coming to the US, it’s not all about the money. In exchange for that sacrifice I am expecting her to sacrifice as well to accommodate my needs while adjusting.

That being said… This is what I am expecting. I have a responsibility to have my future spouse understand and accept these expectations. It’s too important to me to just say it’ll be ok. So I guess the key point is setting expectations.

Just my thoughts for what they are worth.

Posted by: Pin Boy

jeffs,

you may want to research the type of medical care and its cost in the area where you may be living. jill can probably provide some insight here since she has lived in a few places in the FSU.

pin boy

Posted by: EasyTarget

Searcher you live in the LA area. I would suggest some REALLY, REALLY good maps. Bus, road, metro, google, etc. Mark all the important landmarks like grocery store, department store, drug store. LA is a big town and easy to get lost.

Posted by: bobjf

spakoyna g/day i,m suprised you saying they probably eat better than you,natasha was dumbfounded.
the 1 thing i couldn,t wait for when i came home was good food,do you guys live on takeaway etc.
yuk no respect for your tummy,s, mate i,m not a bad cook & love fresh food & so do the girls we would eat take away maybe once a month.
the clever 1 is dead right plenty of reassurance is required.
when your rw arrives she will usually have only you, no freinds or rely,s to fall back on.
home sickness can be a big problem to.
we spent a motza when the girls arrived but i fully expected that & made allowence for it.
i did get a heap of pleasure watching them shop, just wear comfortable shoes as it will be the longest shop your ever done & the most expensive.
remember simple langauge difficulties will be a big problem aswell, simply trying to get around with out you will be frightening for her,maps won,t help if she can,t read them.
at first i took nat out & showed her which bus,s she needed to use & the correct fare etc but it still took time for her to gain confidence.
she had her mobile on speed dial to call me if she had a problem & i also wrote down our address for her & few other phone numbers for her like my sisters.
BIG 1 SHE WILL BE ALONE WHEN YOU GO TO WORK

Posted by: Spakoyna

Bob,maybe I should rephrase that! My wife eats more natural foods. She does not like any food which has preservatives. In the states in the regular grocery stores most foods are treated in some kind of way...even the fruits and vegetables! The new thing here is now the stores are offering Organic foods(foods that have not been sprayed with preservatives or raised with pesticides being applied). I will give a good example....apples....same company,look the same..one organic the other not. The organic apples cost 40% more. Yes..my wife can taste the difference so we buy the organic apples. She still will not eat anything from a can (no flavor,low vitamins,etc. and she is correct!)but is OK with frozen vegetables.

Homesickness is certain in the beginning.My wife calls her mother or friends whenever she wants.Do some research in your area about different options for your wife to call home. The cheapest is not always the best.Nothing worries my wife more than if she wants to speak with her mother and can not get a call through. It is a little more than some services but we are very happy with Western Unions international phone service.

As for the rest of your post I have a great advanatage over most!

My wife and I work together. We travel together...basically we are together all the time.In the beginning I worried more about her going alone than she did! She has adjusted well and has no problems shopping,heading to the hotel from work,etc. by herself.

Posted by: bobjf

hi spakoyna.
mate natasha dosn,t like much from cans either except fruit ie pie apple.
we do eat a hell of a lot of fruit & fresh vegies,fresh meat & fish we eat about equal amounts, girls love aussie seafood but saltwater variety .
they appreciate the difference from freshwater types which i found a little bland in russia.
nat fully understood that she would be leaving her old life behind but the implications still worried me for some time.
as for the lonelyness side of things, we spent as much time together as possible but even a simple shopping trip became important to her.
we found a cheap very reliable phone card years ago & nat calls home twice aweek & her girlfriends on a turn about basis so that isn,t a problem either
i was posting more for others benifits not mine
next item for us is to try to bring nats mum out for a hol
cheers bob

Posted by: Spakoyna

Bob!

The main reason I am here is to try and help others understand as well! My wife and I have met quite a few couples now. The only ones we see having problems are those who believe all the agency hype! I wish we could persuade my wife's mother to come for a visit.

PS We also enjoy the conversations and freindly atmosphere here!

Posted by: skinsfan

hello...my wife and children have been here four 4 months now.....finding a Russian shop for food is a good idea. sugar, flour, etc is different in Russia than in the USA....also, contact with family and friends is so very important, particularly in the first few weeks......i use packet8, and pay $49.95 monthly for unlimited calls. drivers license is extremely important, Russian women love the feeling of independence... getting the EAD so that your lady can work, she wants to have money in her pocket that she has earned.....you must spend time in the dreaded Mall.....styles of clothes are different here than in Russia. spend as much time as possible together....show love and patience...all will be good.......,,be patient, understanding, and supportive....all will be good !!

Posted by: bobjf

g/day spakoyna,
mate i,m here for much the same reasons, wish i had known about these lists way back when, would of made life a lot easier.
tend to agree with you on agency,s,comes a time when you have to stand on your own.
there not all bad but even the better 1,s tend to keep the hooks in for as long as possible.
i,m haveing a great time on this list,rarely bother with the others.
i am a little disturbed by some posts but everyone is different so you have to expect that.
i don,t think getting natasha,s mum to come will be a problem,rather getting her to go home again might be lol.
old girl has never been out of russia & i would rather see her have at least 1 good hol in her life
we just don,t know how were gunna go getting her a visa,can be pretty tough in oz
cheers bob

Posted by: bobjf

hi skinsfan ??
natasha has been here now more than a year & now very rarely looks for anything russian except 2 items lol. which i found & suprised her with canned riga sprats & moscow sausage.
she still cooks russian dishs but with as she tells her mum much better produce.
nat also likes that in oz fashion is not followed to much, she dresses more for comfort but still very nicely.
she dosn,t like that i,m a get it & go shopper he he.
we use a good phone card that gives us 420 minutes for $20 oz.
agree completly about haveing patiance & spending time together.
cheers bob

Posted by: bingism

I thought I'd add something here since M is coming to England on Sunday.

The financial question is a difficult one... we're working it so that M can bring about 35kg of her stuff with her so there shouldn't be too much requirement to buy a lot of clothes / cosmetics, etc. On a month to month basis, it is important for me that M has financial freedom, so I have budgeted for a Ł200 ($350) transfer to her new bank account at the beginning of every month. This is not for the weekly shop or anything other than excactly what she chooses to spend it on. What she does with it is up to her. I know that this is not a fortune, but it should be enough for now.

The most important things are not financial. I need to change my character a little and accept hers. Since we are two people not one, there'll be things that she does (and vice versa) that I'm sure will get up my nose a bit... you never find these things out before you live together. She'll be alone in England other than me and I need to expect her to be quite clingy and needy at first until she finds her way. We really can't know each other 100% and M will need me to be completely open and willing, committed to her and to reassure her that I'm not cheat, vagabond or otherwise. As with many of the girls from Russia, she has experienced unfaithful behaviour in men and it will take time for her to understand that this is not me.

My biggest fear, however, is "boredom". I am very lucky because I tend to work from home 3 days a week, so M will not be alone in the house too much (she may want me to go to the office more.... lol). She'll enrol in a local ESOL course ASAP which will take up one afternoon a week and set homework. I have made sure that the Skype account is loaded, so 1 or 2 hours on the phone is OK if required. Email is ready to go and I have got a UK mobile phone sorted out. On top of this, we will be redecorating and M will be "in charge" of that. Also, my mother is a teacher and once M is more confident with English (it's already very very good), Mum has invited her to go to school and help out with the kids. Finally, my sister-in-law is expecting in mid-March so is off work and I'm sure will be grateful of some adult company and a cup of tea from time to time.

When we're married and have the FLR visa, M intends to work (maybe only part-time) for the sole purpose of meeting some friends and also being able to have a little extra cash in the household. We plan on buying a second car at this time, assuming M's passed the UK test, so a whole new World of more freedom should open up.

As you can imagine, I'm a little "nervous" and "excited" about the next few months. I'm hoping that I've got most of the bases covered and now I'm very much in a "let's see what happens" frame of mind.

Bing

Posted by: bobjf

hi bing wish you & m all the best,
your on the right track & you 2 will do ok

Posted by: martin3030

Well done Bing you seem to have thought of everything !!!

Like you say only time will tell and there bound to be things you will need to change,adopt and introduce as you go along.
The boredom thing was something that worried me from the beginning,but I found my missus only too happy to want to get out and find out where all the shops were etc.
At home she started to make her own changes to the decoration and furniture.
She too enrolled at college 2 days a week.
The first couple of weeks are an adventure its after that when maybe the boredom can set in.
I am fortunate in that being in the North west is a good location for day trips.
In my wifes first couple of weeks we went to Blackpool,Southport,Wales Knowsley Safari park and other tourist attractions that are well within an hour in the car.
We also had a couple of sunday afternoons at the cinema (400metres from our house )

Getting the 2p a minute discounted phone calls to Russia also means she is able to chat away to home whenever she feels like.

Little sacrifices have to be made too.
When she first came I still had mates calling asking if I wanted to go for a pint.
Most of them are single and I didnt think it fair to start a relation doing the things I did when I was single,though she did not stop me and said it was no problem.
Of course you have to keep your friends but things do change and no doubt 6 months down the line you will have people telling you that you have changed.

Its all a learning curve we are just coming up to 2 years married and theres been ups and downs but what is good is that problems are solved much quicker now and we are able to read eachothers minds.
I am still learning ans so is she
Theres little cultural issues that crop up here and there even after 2 years.....sometimes its easy to assume they should know ........but one has to remember that they only find out after being informed.
One such example recently was this.
My wife has got lots of jewellery from me but on her right hand has no rings at all.She decided for Valentines day she would like a Diamond ring (nothing expensive) for her third finger.The one she chose was looking like an engagement ring I said that in England after Divorce the wedding and Engagement rings are moved from the left to right hand and as such people may think shes been engaged before.
Of course its only a little thing but she was interested to know about it its not something you read about in the newspapers !!
One day she went out WITHOUT any rings on and I went Ballistic.......I told her its not done here ..........but of course she didnt know..and has never done it since then.

The good thing to have is Communication and we have a pact that we will always talk about our fears hopes and problems,it works quite well in that things dont simmer and can be dealt with quickly.

As you begin your future together soon I am sure you will know how to address each others needs..................and no doubt in 6 months time you will be here giving us all advice lol

Posted by: bingism

Martin

Interesting about the ring thing... we've already had a "moment" about rings and one that I decided to back away from for the time being! M has a "very" expensive diamond solitaire from a rich ex. Obviously she wears this on her left ring finger and not the Russian marriage finger (the right for anyone who's not aware of this). I have had to very carefully ask her not to wear this in England on the left because of the, to me, very obvious questions that will be asked. Also, if I'm honest, I'm not too happy about M wearing such an obvious ring from another chap, but that's my problem I suppose. I could never compete with the value of this ring and will never try to. I suggested we get it made larger for a different finger - we'll see LOL

Funny thing is that M 100% doesn't want another ring (she wears ours on her right hand) until she's been in the UK a couple of months and we know we're OK! I must say I don't really understand why she would want to wear another chap's ring, but I guess some people are not as hung up on emotional attachments with physical things as others. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's a lot easier for us lot in England to change our POVs about traditions and cultures than it is the other way round...

Bing

Posted by: martin3030

I know exactly what you are saying and diplomacy has to be the word.

My wife also has a ring which I suspect is from her ex but its taboo to mention,I did mention it early on and she could not understand why I was making a fuss.

"Look Im here with YOU.I married YOU I cant see what the problem is "

To which I really had no answer.............and of course its never been mentioned since LOL.

Posted by: bingism

To be honest, I'm none too fussed about the ring, but just not on that finger... empathy does seem to be a little lacking in some ways in Russian culture and I could imagine that it is very deep-grained after a long period in history where you had to look after number one first and foremost. I left a little question hanging during our discussion of this: "what will you feel if I wear a very expensive ring from my ex, on my wedding finger??" I got "uh huh! Don't even think about it", followed very quickly by the "ok, I get it, but if I want to wear it I will, but I don't want to wear it". I assumed that this is backing down from a minor disagreement "pa russki" LOL
Bing

Posted by: Spakoyna

Hmmmm, I understand the situation you guys have. I have found the best way to approach a situation like this is making her express how she would feel if the situation were reversed. We did not have this problem with jewelry but other small differences.

Everyone is different. My wife also had a diamond ring from a previous relationship. She had already given it to her mother before we even met.

Posted by: Chrismc

Bing

You seem to have most of the bases covered, good luck with the future, one thing you mentioned is boredom? and I have thought about that also, but you just have to make sure whn not at work there is quality times spent with each other including the odd trip out, sightseeing, cinema, etc etc and they all love to shop!!! I am sure you will cope OK.

Chris

Posted by: davel056

Hello, I'm a newbie at this since I just found and joined this site. It has been very interesting reading all the good material presented here for the benefit of us all. My Elena and I are getting her paperwork in order so we can start the fiancee visa process.

The one thing I have to add to this excellent thread is about driving lessons.

Elena and I discussed this. Since it is going to take a number of months for her visa to get approved and before she can move to the USA, we decided to start her driving lessons in Moscow. She checked on classes and got costs and I sent her the money. She has now started those classes. By the time she can come to the USA she'll already have some experience with driving. Then the length of time it takes for her to get a license here in the USA will be minimized. That will give her more freedom to be independent, sooner, than waiting for those lessons until she gets to the USA.

Now this probably works well for us since Russians and Americans both drive on the same side of the road. Might now work so well for those who drive on the opposite side. But it lets her do something positive towards our relationship during the wait for her visa approval.

Just thought I'd pass this suggestion along.

Posted by: bingism

Thanks Dave & Welcome to RMP.

Driving lessons is a great idea. In the UK, M can use her International License for up to 12-months. During this time she needs to apply for a Proviosnal UK License and pass a test before 12-months is up. Maybe driving lessons are required?? Depends on how good she is and how quick she learns... we'll see

Bing

Posted by: Ade

Hi,

One of the obvious things to alleviate a little boredom is voluntary work...it's for a good-ish cause (normally), helps with practising 'live' English, it's a chance to meet people, and perhaps most importantly gets a reference when a paid job is applied for.

Seida has just started at our local Oxfam, and is enjoying it.

Ade

Posted by: bingism

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ade

Hi,

One of the obvious things to alleviate a little boredom is voluntary work...it's for a good-ish cause (normally), helps with practising 'live' English, it's a chance to meet people, and perhaps most importantly gets a reference when a paid job is applied for.

Seida has just started at our local Oxfam, and is enjoying it.

Ade

Damn good idea Ade... I hope M will take up my mum's offer on this front. The school always needs another pair of hands. Also, the local coolege runs russian courses (yes, I will enrol one day LOL) and I thought about asking if M could offer some real Russian conversation to students...

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by bingism

Both good ideas, also she might like speaking Russian (with students) and being in company where she is regarded as an authority on the subject or at least that she knows more about it than anyone else in the class. She might get a lot of fun out of it if she is that type of girl.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by bingism

Posted by: bingism

double posting again chris?? LOL

Posted by: clever1

Trying for the big 1000 posts I see Chris.

Is that your generic post with little changes, maybe we should google it. hehehe

John