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AW-RM Confused?
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Posted by: shootingstar7

This may be a little long, but I have been reading the other threads and have seen that several people are responding with some good insight on relationships. I really am having a confusing time right now with my lover.

I met him in April 2005 through mutual friends. The first night we met he invited my girl friend and I to his friend's place to go swimming. We agreed and met him over there. By the time we got over there the pool was closed so all of us went inside the apartment and started listening to music and drinking a little bit. I decided to be the designated driver so i didn't drink. The night progressed and him and I spent some alone time. He kept telling me he saw something different in me and he wanted to take me back home (russia) with him. Of course I assumed he was just droping lines to get me to fall for him. But he called me a few days later and we "hooked up" and started seeing each other almost everyday. He expressed to me right away that he didn't want a girlfriend because he had to focus on school and didn't have money. Well, I was fine with that because I was just out of a long relationship and don't care about money. So we continued to see each other. He continued to make comments to me and around his friends about taking me back home with him. Then a few weeks before he went out of town, he stopped calling me. I asked his friend what was up and he said he knew that he liked me cause he told all his guy friends he was "in love with me". The day before he left we saw each other and he expressed to me that he was going back home for vacation and had to see "what was up with some other girls". So it was clear to me we were done. I left the country for the summer too, and when I came back he was really excited to see me and we began to hang out again. We shared intimate times and he took me out to eat. It was great again. Then we kind of tapered off again for 3 weeks and I dated a few other people. So, September 2005 rolls around and we start seeing each other everyday again. Then one night in early October he told me "he thought he was in love with me", but he was scared cause he was going back home in a year and didn't want to fall in love. I asked him what he wanted to do then, if he wanted to quit seeing each other or what. He said he wanted to continue so we became even closer. A few times after that he told me he was in love with me, but he was drunk. Then I moved to my new apartment and he started his semester of school as well as working 2 jobs. We don't really see each other anymore and I don't feel like I can talk to him anymore. When I tried to express my sadness about us not seeing each other very much anymore, he brushed it off and kept reiterating that he was going back home in a year and doesn't want to fall in love. Then he told his friend I was freaking him out cause he doesn't want to fall in love with me, but that he "can see himself falling in love with me".

Basically, I am just confused as to why he is having such a conflict within himself. I would move with him if he asked me too. Why is he trying to push love away? What should I do in a situation like this? I know this is a lot and still not everything, but feel free to respond and ask more questions of me if needed. Thanks!

Posted by: inlove

Star, he is not ready for a relationship, and he does not want to be tied up. It is as simple as that. Move on.

Posted by: EasyTarget

ShootingStar7:
Welcome to the RMP. Man you start off with a great question.

You mentioned your friend is still in school, so I am guessing he is a younger guy, i.e. under 25. My gut reaction is two things are happening here.
He isn’t ready to make any type of long term commitment to you. Most men under 25 are not looking for a long term relationship. I am not implying you are looking for that either, but he may get the impression you are.
The second thing is that he may be trying to spare your feelings. If he has less then a year left in the states then he know that when he left it would be pretty difficult on the both of you.

So you have to ask yourself, do you want to have September to May romance? And when he leaves you are ok with it?

If you are then you should tell him that. Tell him you understand the situation, let’s hang out while he is still in the US, have lots of fun and let the future take care of itself.

Posted by: shootingstar7

I understand what all of you are saying and I really don't want to be super serious. But I can tell he is an honest guy, so why would he tell me he is in love with me if he isn't?

Posted by: Mr.Humble

...probably simply does not want to hurt your feelings I would say (of course this is also a setup for a bigger fall....but young and less wise...well....

)

Posted by: searcher

I don't know about sparing her feelings after he told his friends that he was falling in love with her.

I think it ould be due to many things:

1)Age/Maturity

2) Insecurity about how long he will be here

3) Uncertainty about how he could possibly afford a girl friend or (if it progressed to that point) how receptive you would be to life in Russia since he talks about taking you there.

He may feel that you would not like it there or you may not like the economic differences, etc...

You both are young and maybe the stability (emotional and economic) is not yet present for a serious relationship.

Posted by: shootingstar7

Thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts. I have since talked to him and he told me that he doesn't want to fall in love with anyone yet. He said he could fall in love with me, but the timing isn't right and he has so many things he has to take care of first. Like school, etc... I told him I understood and I was just happy being with him and I don't need a commitment, just honesty. So far he has been honest with me and I really respect him for that. I figure if it's true love then it will work out in the end. We are both young and have many years before we would get serious anyway. In the mean time we are going to continue to see each other and just take it easy.

Posted by: NO_MERCY

Come on, woman! Why do you need a RM? I am a RW and when I read "I want to take you home" it just struck me - its so typical and its so sad.. Its obvious that you are troubled with all these games - one day he tells you he wants to take you home and next day out of blue he runs away to check on other girls. He is an imature person who does not know how to handle a relationship. Most RM are like this. RW spoil their sons. They grow up into imature spoilt brats. I can not even start to tell you about cultural differences. RW - AM couples are different. RW are motivated to coup with cultural differences because most of them wants to stay in US! Listen to me -cut it off and never come back. At least with AM you know where you stand, you grew up in the same environment, you have more or less the same upbringing and there should be no major surprises. RUN!

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

He is an imature person who does not know how to handle a relationship. Most RM are like this. RW spoil their sons. They grow up into imature spoilt brats. I can not even start to tell you about cultural differences. RW - AM couples are different. RW are motivated to coup with cultural differences because most of them wants to stay in US! Listen to me -cut it off and never come back. At least with AM you know where you stand, you grew up in the same environment, you have more or less the same upbringing and there should be no major surprises. RUN!

Posted by: lindochka

Yep, what Jill said!