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What Russian mothers think about their daughters dating/ marrying Western men...
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Posted by: Khashyar

Hi Everyone...

I was talking to one of our forum members on the phone this morning, and I thought that it would be interesting to discuss what Russian mothers think about their daughters dating Western men

(I am going to write my experience and thoughts about this now.. but first I just want to post this short introduction to this subject)...

Khashyar

Posted by: Khashyar

I think that every mother (whether Russian or other) wants what is best for her children.

I am sure that many Russian mothers understand that if their daughter marries a nice and decent man from the West, that their Russian daughter's standard of living would improve, and that their Russian family in general would be in a better and more secure financial position.

In Russia, it is in the culture for families to closely help one another...

If a parent's Russian daughter has the choice to marry one of two decent men, one in Russia and one in the West (let's say the United States), and all other things about these men are equal, how much would the Russian mother or father want what is in the best econimic interest of the daughter and family and want the daughter to marry the man from the West?

I actually asked a similar question to my Belarusian wife Lena (both before and after we were engaged). I asked her whether her family ever talked about the fact that they might be able to come to America after she immigrated, and thus have a better standard of living? Lena told me "no," that they did not talk about this.

Is this because that this fact is understood and does not need to be spoken??

Lena told me that her mom was very picky and scrutinizing of her boyfriends (the two Russian boyfriends that she in Belarus), and of men who wanted to date Lena, and this made me a little bit nervous

It felt a little like "Meet the Parents" to me...

Lena said that when her mom does not approve of a boyfriend, that she would somehow, even without words and even if subtly, let her displeasure be known...

Perhaps some of this caution from Lena's mom was because that Lena's birth father left the family when Lena was about 4 years old, and perhaps the mother was more cautious about men because she did not want Lena to suffer the same pain and anguish that she did?

Neither of Lena's 2 previous Russian boyfriends were allowed to stay the night at Lena's family's house because her mom disapproved, let alone stay in the same room as Lena.

Lena told me this AFTER I was already staying the night at Lena's family's house, and sleeping in the same room with Lena...

According to Lena, her mom liked me a lot, and saw that I was a serious person and that I just seemed kind and sincere....

Her parents were so welcoming to me... We traveled to their ducha (Russian country house). Her family was very accomodating to the fact that I wanted to film much some of our visit together for a documentary that I was thinking about making. We ate dinner often at her parents' house. I experienced the Russian suana with Lena's kind step-father, as well as drank vodka with him. I think that Lena's mom especially was very happy that Lena had met someone who she felt would be a good partner for her daughter...

Of course, Lena's mom and family in general maintained the Russian sense of cautious optimism regarding how our relationship would turn out, perhaps because they wanted to protect Lena's feelings in case things didn't work out. But I really had a great relationship with Lena's parents. In fact, Lena's stepfather (who is a housebuilder and who served in the Russian navy) shed some visible tears when I left for the train for my trip back to Mongolia to catch my airplane back to Los Angeles.

It had seemed that her father (who is half Armenian and half Russian), had grown fond of me.

Another interesting note about Lena's stepfather (who Lena considers and refers to as her father): although Lena's mom did not have much interest in moving to America because she feels that her life is in Belarus, Lena's stepfather (before he met Lena's mom) had friends in the U.S. and had tried to apply twice for a visa to America, but both times the visa was not approved.

Little did Lena's father (i.e., stepfather) know that his future step-daughter would marry an American man and that in the future, he may be able to move to the United States. (Actually, Lena's father is an expert carpenter and builder, and can build a house from scratch, as well as expertly remodel the inside of a house).

What do Russian parents really think about their daughter's Western boyfriends and fiances?

I honestly think that if the Western boyfriend/ fiance is a nice person, that most parents will be supportive. I also think that the fact that their daughters will have a significantly improved economic life must be somewhat of a factor, even if this is not spoken. And, I am sure that deep down somewhere, the Russian family understands that it is in the Russian family member's genes that Russian children help their families, and that a Russian daughter living in the West is going to help supplement the Russian family's $100 to $200 monthly income if they can. (I know a few Russian women friend's of Lena's, and all but one of them fairly regularly sends money to their family-- the one that doesn't want to send money because of bad circumstances in childhood, still help out her family in Russia, partly due to a sense of obligation).

A story that deviates from the examples that I have given so far: I know another Russian woman (a friend who I met before knowing Lena) who lives in a big Russian city, and her mom was AGAINST her daughter marrying and moving to the West because this would mean that the mother and daughter would be seperated from one another, and the mother would feel alone.(Her mother had also just recently divorced from her Russian husband, and I think that this must be somewhat of a factor)...

So, I think that two possible scenerios are that the Russian family can see the Western marriage and subsequent move West as enabling an improved life for their daughter and the family in Russia in general, or... that it would mean a seperation, division, or weakening of the Russian family, which is the foundation of Russian society.

Perhaps this does not need to be said, but I think that many Russian mothers and fathers just want happiness for their daughters, and if their daughters meet a respectable man who the daughter loves and who love her, then I think that most Russian parents would be happy for their daughters to marry and move West...

Please feel free to post other "Meet the Parents" anecdotes... or experiences that shed light on what Russian mothers feel about their daughters marrying and moving West.

Khashyar

Posted by: j_c

Hi Khashyar

A very interesting thread , I have yet to met Irina's parents, but I have asked Irina what her mother thinks about her "relationship" with me , the reply was straight and simple and goes along the lines of what you have written so far. She told Irina that she would be happy, as long as the man was decent and Irina was happy ! .

On a general point , I cannot imagine what their parents are really thinking, there must be some resentment against western men who marry their daughters and take them away to their home counties?
I suppose it's not so bad if they can visit or return home for holidays, but even so , it must be quite a tug for the mother and daughter to be seperated , especially if they still live / share a home.

I must add that I am exicited and nervous at the same time about meeting Irina's parents!

Look forward to veiws of others!

Regards

John

Posted by: Dennis/Natasha

Well I dont know what her parents think. I do know what her mother thought of other men trying to win Natasha's heart..she said DAGGERS. Mostly because of the type of men I think.

I have asked what they think about us. In general they want her to be happy she said. That is all. I try not to forget the sacrifice being made on the behalf of love and to come to a new land with new cultures she is placing a lot of faith in our love and every thing working out.

I know her father is close to her and it is best I think not to disapoint any father when their only daughter is concerned.

Posted by: dhutche1

Hello Khashyar.
Im had a very simular welcome in Odessa with Tetyana's parentns. When we got to her parents apartment her Father was waiting for us downstairs along with her nephew. This man was lke a long lost friend when I showed up big hug and took all my luggage from me and would not let me help at all.When we got upstairs her Mother was also very nice and welcomed me in to there home. I agree that I think the parents want there daughter to marry a nice man and to be happy and that there chances for a better life are in the west. After I was there the parents did ask me lots of question... alsmost silly ones to tell you the truth Things like What will my daughter eat in the US, will she be able to work etc..

Anyway I did ask Tetyana what her parents thought of her moving to the US and she told me that her parents just want her to be happy and live her life with the one she loves no matter where that may be. Just like you I dont think they talk about the fact that the economy is much much better in the US and she has a chance to live much better then the average person in the Ukraine.

Dave