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Everything is going so well.....and then you meet her.
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Posted by: Hostile_hostage

I haven't been a member of this site for long. The reason I joined is that i am communicating with a Russian woman and we plan to meet early next year. Everything is going so well at the moment all we have to do is have a face to face meeting and take things from there.
The reason I'm writing this 'thread' is that i have read so many accounts of guys who travelled to Russia only to discover that the woman they had been writibg to suddenly appeared totally different. After getting on so well via emails and on the phone suddenly they seem to see a different 'hidden' side to the girl of their dreams.
I'm wondering if this happens a lot or have i just read the 'threads' posted by the unlucky few?
It must be so disappointing to travel all that way only for things not to work out.
I haven't been put off by the experiences of others and I'm hoping my visit will be a 100% success.

Posted by: bingism

HH - I went with my gut instinct... it felt right from day-one! No awkward silences on the phone (each call can last between 1 and 2 hours) and never ran out of something to write about via e-mail or text message. We sent each other recent photos, with date stamps so no surprises there... within about an hour of meeting we were comfortable in each other's company, pretty touchy feely and so it went on :-)

Bing

Posted by: Texas Proud

HH,

What you can not get over the phone and through emails is what they practice and not say... I have heard that up to 90% of communication is non-verbal.. so we are only dealing with the 10% of communication...

You can get swept up in your mind what this woman is like, and when you meet they left a lot of important things out.. thinking it was not important..

I am currently writing to my 'second' woman.. (this is the second serious one as I have written many many women) and our conversation is so much better than the first... we are talking on a more deep level than the first... I thought I knew the first lady I visited, but when I got there she was not the love of my life... yes, she was a very nice lady and I would recommend her to any man... but we did not click... could we be friends? YES, but that is something they are not looking for...

I do not think there are statistics on is it good or is it bad.. but are you being honest with yourself on how things are going??? Have you talked about money, sex, jobs, children etc. etc... if not, then you do not know her yet.

BUT, good luck to you.

Posted by: Ade

Hi,

There's no guarantee things will work out - but you just have to take the risk; I went to Siberia in the winter knowing the 'woman' I'd been writing to wasn't going to be there, but I had a fantastic time and am now married to a wonderful Russian woman.

Of course, it could all have gone horribly wrong

Ade

Posted by: jpierce55

This has nothing to do with FSU women. It is a risk in any internet based relationship. They may intentionally hide personality traits, history, etc. from you. You likely do as well. They also may UNintentionally hide these things from you. You likely do as well.

If you think you will like her go for it, don't leave a what if lingering in your mind forever. Besides you have already agreed to meet her you owe her that now.

I met and made a friend on my journey. I had fun and made sure that even if things went bad it was not a waste.

Good luck.

Posted by: ham

don't let your mind run wild, otherwise you'll soon be dealing with an hologram made of your own ideas, rather than the real person on he other end of the line: keep it real.

Posted by: Hostile_hostage

Hi

I've spoken about money (the fact that i don't have any lol ). I'm a working calss guy with a salary to match. I spelt this out from day one. Children - she has a 12 year old son who I would be happy to treat as my own child but I've told her i don't want any more. Work - I've told her that for us to live comfortably that she would be expected to contribute to our 'joint' income by going out to work. She works now so why should getting married make a difference.
Sex................. how on earth do i bring up this subject? The last thing i want is for her to think that i am a 'sex tourist' or that i just want to meet her for sex.

Posted by: ham

Quote:

I'm a working calss guy with a salary to match. I spelt this out from day one.

well at least you sound like a real person, not some six figures CEO super stud like some claim.

Posted by: EasyTarget

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hostile_hostage

It must be so disappointing to travel all that way only for things not to work out.
I haven't been put off by the experiences of others and I'm hoping my visit will be a 100% success.

HH:
Look at this way. Worst thing that happens is you go, have an adventure of a lifetime, meet a nice person, and you don't click. It happens.
Best thing that happens is you meet the love of your life.

Posted by: ConnerVT

I think writing too long can be a mistake. It's best (IMHO) to correspond for a short time, then meet.

I did a good share of writing when I was looking. What was good was I was able to remove some women from consideration, as I could see that we weren't interested in the same goals in life. There were others whom I exchanged quite a few letter with, and felt there were great possibilities for us.

When the time came when I met these women, there were several whom, after meeting, it was obvious there would not be any more writing or meetings. A couple were borderline crazy, others there just wasn't interest (from one or the other). Another I felt was disingenuous, and I later found she was engaged to another man.

What can be dangerous can be forging forward with a relationship after meeting, when in your heart (or your gut) you feel it's not what you desire. But people do so, as they have "invested" so much time and effort in this relationship of correspondence.

Best advice is to meet, and see if it feels right. After all, meeting someone and falling in love is really the easiest part of an international relationship. The real work comes after that...

Posted by: Mr.H

Just go with it.

Maybe you are meant for each other .... maybe not. Either way, it's a hell of an adventure to just go and take a look. I went once already, lost all my luggage, met some very interesting people (mostly by chance) and the one I did visit had omitted some rather critical details (so yeah, pays to be prepared for a fall)...

Like someone here has already said...the visit (while critical) is the cheap part of the whole relationship thing.

*surprisingly...although I don't know why...a lady that I met from this site when I first joined has proven to be a steadfast friend...will find out more when I go to Moscow in April to meet her....*

Posted by: yodaamnot

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr.H

*surprisingly...although I don't know why...a lady that I met from this site when I first joined has proven to be a steadfast friend...will find out more when I go to Moscow in April to meet her....*

As you said, perhaps it was meant to be.

Posted by: mistermopar

Quote:

h.h.

Quote:

It must be so disappointing to travel all that way only for things not to work out.

I all ways tell myself and others that if it dose not work out that it was one heck of a vacation and adventure.A vacation that I needed anyways.

Randy

Posted by: Keith In Kodiak

Hostile,

Unless something is really clicking, just take it slow. Russia, outside of Moscow or St. Petersburg, is an extremely inexpensive country to visit. And at least in summer, it's a hell of a fun place to go.

Maybe it's best to think of your lady friend as just that, a friend and guide. Go to her hometown and have some fun. Russia is a vacation destination that anyone can afford. If the lady turns out to be a real catch then it's just that much better.

Posted by: mistermopar

Well said Kieth...

Randy

Posted by: chuckles1970

Much like Hostile I have some of the same concerns and issues, but I agree wholeheartedly with Mopar and Keith are saying. I am looking at this as I am having a great time on the phone and in letters with my Anna. She seems to like me too, and I can't wait to meet her. I should have enough money to make the trip a nice one, and if things aren't clicking with her have a backup plan to go back to probably Kiev (where I'll fly in too) from Sumy, and hook up with some agencies there or just do the sight seeing and travel thing and maybe bump into a lady when I least expect it. Either way I am sure my trip will be memorable!

Posted by: mistermopar

chuckles1970,it sounds like you have the right idea and attitude.
Try not to put so much pressure on your self and have fun,if it is right it will happen for you.

Happy New Year
Randy

Posted by: Hostile_hostage

Thanks a lot guys. I agree with all your comments. Writing for months on end isn't ideal, which is my i brought my plans for our first meeting forward.
I'm really hoping that the good feeling I have about us will mean that our meeting will prove to be a huge success.
I'm going with my eyes open though. I've done my 'homework' on the area of the Ukraine i shall be visiting. There are so many things to do and see. So if things don't work out i'll still have an 'adventure'.

Posted by: BradIL

Writing for an extended period does have some benefits.

Between that and phone calls it is interesting when you 'flush' out someone's thoughts with questions or a little debate. I find it VERY REVEALING!

I agree with ConnerVT, if you can get the writing flowing you can determine who is right (by personality) and who isn't.

In the writing element its all personality and opinions, and you can tell if you are mentally-tuned to someone or not. I believe it disciplines your thoughts, you might even be a little bolder, or at least less hesistant, to speak your mind than if you were face-to-face meeting someone (trying to mind manners, and all).

Posted by: ConnerVT

Did I write that? I thought I wrote:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ConnerVT

I think writing too long can be a mistake. It's best (IMHO) to correspond for a short time, then meet.

And then I wrote:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ConnerVT

What can be dangerous can be forging forward with a relationship after meeting, when in your heart (or your gut) you feel it's not what you desire. But people do so, as they have "invested" so much time and effort in this relationship of correspondence.

Falling in love with a picture and a photograph is too easy to do. It can be 'emotional crack cocaine', very difficult to stop once you've had to big a taste of it. Falling in love, for the hopeless romantic, is the ultimate goal. But in the early stages, writing needs to be more business-like, more clinical. It's a difficult line to maintain, thus my recommendation is limit one's writing, and get on an airplane.

Posted by: BradIL

ConnerVT... YOU ARE CORRECT!

Let me clarify my previous post.

The point I was trying to make is a post from your Tver trip from 2002-3 (somwhere in there) that you were able to determine who the 'incompatibles' were through writing. I have also discovered this. That's my point.

Yes, get on a plane-get on the ground-meet the girls... whatever... wonderful bliss erupts and... whatever....

Look... I don't want to be so skeptical as to come off cynical... but Brad knows Brad and I differ from others who have travelled there. I have to know her to SOME EXTENT for SOME TIME (length is negotiable) or it ***AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN***! Brad believes in infatuation at first sight, but that differs dramatically from love at first sight, and I don't confuse the two!

This shlock of be on the ground-meet her-and there is an eruption of bliss that becomes marriage is ridiculous! Sure--- I've had this whirlwind thing happen (several times)... and IT NEVER LASTS! *IT GOES NOWHERE, USUALLY IN SHORT ORDER*! This kind of romance has never worked for me in America, and I don't why it should work in Russia! I believe its preposterous to expect anything different.

So is my attitude now... and so it will stay... -UNLESS-... someone--- a member of this forum or a visitor... who once had the same attitude as Brad... travelled to Russia... and had an experience that would prompt an au contraire Brad post... well... now that's something entirely different.

Posted by: Hostile_hostage

Hi Brad
I agree with what you are saying.
I am reading too many threads where a guy is saying that he's travelling to Russia to meet this girl he has known for 2 months. If the meeting goes well then he's going to propose.
What happened to 'caucious'?
Important decisions should never be rushed.
What happens if you change your mind once you return home after the 'high' of your trip has settled down?
You should make your meeting the 'first step' and allow yourself 'x' amount of steps until you feel ready to make a life long commitment.
What happened to courting?

I'm meeting my 'girlfriend' for thew first time soon. I hope things go well, but there's no way I'm asking her to marry me................. it's just too soon.

Seriously.............with every girl you've dated for 2 months in your own country, have you ended up asking every one to marry you?

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hostile_hostage

Seriously.............with every girl you've dated for 2 months in your own country, have you ended up asking every one to marry you?

BULLSEYE Hostile_hostage! That's it!

Almost ALL of those relationships born in an emotional swirl... *NEVER* lasted!

Patience is a virtue.

Posted by: inlove

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hostile_hostage

Hi Brad
I agree with what you are saying.
I am reading too many threads where a guy is saying that he's travelling to Russia to meet this girl he has known for 2 months. If the meeting goes well then he's going to propose.
What happened to 'caucious'?
Important decisions should never be rushed.
What happens if you change your mind once you return home after the 'high' of your trip has settled down?
You should make your meeting the 'first step' and allow yourself 'x' amount of steps until you feel ready to make a life long commitment.
What happened to courting?

I'm meeting my 'girlfriend' for thew first time soon. I hope things go well, but there's no way I'm asking her to marry me................. it's just too soon.

Seriously.............with every girl you've dated for 2 months in your own country, have you ended up asking every one to marry you?

He is just too cheap to go back for a visit again. He wants to start a visa process ASAP to save the money.

Posted by: ham

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradIL

Writing for an extended period does have some benefits.

Between that and phone calls it is interesting when you 'flush' out someone's thoughts with questions or a little debate. I find it VERY REVEALING!

I agree with ConnerVT, if you can get the writing flowing you can determine who is right (by personality) and who isn't.

In the writing element its all personality and opinions, and you can tell if you are mentally-tuned to someone or not. I believe it disciplines your thoughts, you might even be a little bolder, or at least less hesistant, to speak your mind than if you were face-to-face meeting someone (trying to mind manners, and all).

i agree.
if someone (anyone) can't get a meaningful correspondence going for a while, what kind of spiritual connection can arise in person? From zero to 100 just because you meet her? Or are you rather eyeing her breasts, instead? I had a few cases when correspondence went nowhere and i dropped the case. 3/4 of them were extremely pretty women (if the pictures were true), but then i wonder what would be like meeting them?
I doubt i can go from zero to 100 in their scale just because i am there.
There is the chance she's desperate for leaving, and she'll try to trap me on a second or third best attempt: not what i want.

Posted by: Pin Boy

brad, are you referring to yourself as "Brad" like those athletes who talk in the third person? since when did you become terrel owens?

think i know you well enough to bust your stones a little bit.

pb

Posted by: BradIL

Pin Boy--- easy on my stones, brother! At 45, they can't endure the rough treatment anymore!

BUT... you can bust my CHOPS anytime you want!

(Yeah... you know me well enough, alright.)

Why the 3rd person references... well... relief from saying *I* all the time. Comparing me to Terrell Owens (a gen-u-wine BAD BOY... a hot topic in another thread that was active)... well I am impressed. I don't make his money... I don't even make the money he lost during his suspension.

Soooo... THANKS (?) for calling me a bad boy, right? Guess this makes me irresistible to the estrogen-influenced individuals in Russia?

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradIL

Comparing me to Terrell Owens (a gen-u-wine BAD BOY... a hot topic in another thread that was active)... well I am impressed. I don't make his money... I don't even make the money he lost during his suspension.

This is getting a bit off topic... but I don't think I make as much as his FINES!!!

Posted by: BradIL

TP:

Posted by: Jim_FL

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradIL

This shlock of be on the ground-meet her-and there is an eruption of bliss that becomes marriage is ridiculous! Sure--- I've had this whirlwind thing happen (several times)... and IT NEVER LASTS! *IT GOES NOWHERE, USUALLY IN SHORT ORDER*! This kind of romance has never worked for me in America, and I don't why it should work in Russia! I believe its preposterous to expect anything different.

C'mon Brad! Quit beating around the bush and tell us how you really feel! Where's the passion?

After I met Liliya in London, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her
BUT in my mind there were several "issues" that need to be resolved first:
1) Did we *really* know each other well enough after 2 weeks together and 4 months of correspondence (even if it was daily)?
2) Did I *really* want to marry a woman who would be willing to accept a marriage proposal after 2 weeks together and 4 months of correspondence?

The answer was obviously NO. On our last day together in London, I asked her to go home and think very hard about whether she might be willing to and able to continue living her life in a different country in the future. I put no pressure as far as timeframe for an answer to this question, just consider it and get back to me. 4 months later I went to Russia and after another week together, I asked for her hand (knowing full well at that time it would be at least another year before she'd arrive in the US if all went well)

Posted by: Pin Boy

and glad for you it did go well jim!

pb

Posted by: Keith In Kodiak

Silly discussion!

If there is no language barrier (you speak excellent Russian or she speaks excellent English), and you are both good and comfortable writers then correspondence is a really excellent way to get to know each other.
I've used the analogy that a long correspondence is much like an old fashioned courtship where it was all look, but no touch. You can learn a lot about a person. People are often more direct and honest in writing than they are in speech.
It worked for me. When we finally met we were old friends - we were as comfortable together as I've ever been with anyone.

However, if there is a language barrier or one of both of you are indifferent writers, then you simply have to meet to see what's up.
I can't imagine writing through a translator over the long term. How much can you learn when you know a third party is reading everything - perhaps calling over friends to say "Hey, look what he's asking now - hee hee!"

There's no right or wrong way to do this. Well..., some rules apply across the board - no sending money, if she keeps calling you Bob and asking you about London and your name is actually Fernando and you live in Tulsa... Common sense applies.

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jim_FL

Where's the passion?

. . . 4 months later I went to Russia and after another week together, I asked for her hand (knowing full well at that time it would be at least another year before she'd arrive in the US if all went well)

Jim... GOOD POINT!!! Hey... I've had bliss ERUPT any number of times... lots of passion... but it seemed to disguise/obscure problems that eventually surfaced. But I give YOU CREDIT!!! With Lil' you certainly knew when to GO FOR IT!

Passion? In each instance you could surmise these relationships in 2 simple lyrics from 2 American oldies. In the most passionate terms... Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" sez it all! In the least passionate terms... Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place to Go" has the most appropriate line... "I held a grudge--- against the bra strap that wouldn't budge"!

Posted by: Hostile_hostage

I personally think it wold be useful and interesting to have a topic created just on the subject of 'First Meetings'.
People could write about their thoughts, fears etc leading up to the meeting and how things went afterwards.
I'm meeting my 'girlfriend' for the first time in March which is why this subject interests me so much at the moment.
I would certainly post a thread about my experience.

Posted by: heychuck

I met my girl after 3 months of letters. I went with the mindset that I would probobly not be asking this girl to marry me. When we first met I was sure I was not going to ask this girl to marry me. We had a nice hug in the airport, but after that she seemed distant and unwilling to talk.

After that first night everything changed.

She stayed at the apartment I rented. Once completly alone we began talking, relating to each other, and had a great, passionate night. She spent the next 2 weeks with me. Practically every moment she was there. I knew we had a special chemistry and we were good for each other, so I asked her to marry me.

So I count the first 3 months of emailing and phone calls as 2 dates. The 15 nights I spent with my lady I count as 15 dates. Hell we lived together... That is plenty of dates/time to commit to someone.

You just never know untill you try. Everyone is different. Don't give up. Make sure you have a good attitude when you go, that is most important.

Posted by: ConnerVT

Quote:

Originally Posted by heychuck

After that first night everything changed.

She stayed at the apartment I rented. Once completly alone we began talking, relating to each other, and had a great, passionate night.

Not to get too personal, but does "passionate night" mean you had sexual relations? For the little head isn't known for it's contribution to rational, objective thinking.

It's easy to fall in love (especially in the FSU). Falling in love with the right person, and sustaining that love is the difficult part.

Posted by: heychuck

Yes I'm talking about sex. Sex is not love, but it doesn't happen until people are comfortable with each other and after it happens people become very comfortable with each other. It is a good sign of a healthy relationship. But it is not love and not why I am marrying the lady.

Everyone is different, and you make a good point. If you can wait until you are married and still find the right woman that is possible and admirable.

Posted by: cedarwind

Quote:

Originally Posted by heychuck

Everyone is different, and you make a good point. If you can wait until you are married and still find the right woman that is possible and admirable.

That is my plan...The GF is strict Orthodox and I am a strict Christian both of us have already made it clear That sex is only for after marriage. She told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be spending the night and for me not to ask or try.

There are some pure virtuous women in Russia. You just got to be patient and look hard.