“What it’s like being married to a Russian woman” (part 6-- commitment in marriage) - Russian Ukrainian Belarus Travel Music Woman Dating News

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“What it’s like being married to a Russian woman” (part 6-- commitment in marriage)
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Posted by: Khashyar

“What it’s like being married to a Russian woman” (part 6-- commitment in marriage)

6) Lena is very committed. Early in our marriage, she told me that the thought doesn’t even enter her mind to leave the relationship. That kind of thinking gives me confidence and trust in the relationship, and in Lena’s level of commitment.

I have often felt that in the West (and specifically from my experience in America), that the focus in an individual’s life is in what is in the best interest of that individual, rather than what is in the best interest of the partnership, or the marriage, or the community.

It seems that when there are inconveniences or challenges or uncomfortableness in a Western marriage (or, specifically, an American marriage), that one or both of the partner’s finds it easy to entertain the thought of ending the marriage, and begin to look for a new relationship. Perhaps this is partly why about half of American marriages end in divorce, because the commitment is actually to ourselves, rather than to the family or to the marriage. Somehow, I believe that an individual can act in a way that will make them happy as well as that will nurture and strengthen the marriage and that will also advance his or her partner’s happiness. But in the West, marriages are less committed than they used to be.

There is also an increase in divorces in Russia (perhaps 30 percent or more). Why is this the case? People have attributed this to alcoholism in Russia, to infidelity, to a housing shortage which leads to Russian married couples living with in laws, the liberalization of divorce in Russian law after Glasnost which allowed previously unhappy couples to divorce, and other factors.

But still, I wonder why in a country where Russian women are supposed to be very committed and family-oriented, that there are so many divorces in Russia? I asked Lena this very question:

Lena answers that the reasons for divorce in Belarusian (and Russian) marriages are: alcohol (which leads to dishonest relationships and which leads to lovers outside of the marriage), economics, the fact that available Russian women outnumber available Russian men 3 or 4 to one (especially in small towns), the influence of a man’s friends on him (the most common topics that they discuss when they get together are sports, women, and how much vodka they drink), problems with in-laws (since Russian married couples often need to live with one set of in-laws)…

Lena told me that her mom has a saying that “where there is alcohol, there is dishonest behavior.”

Lena gave me one example of a young Russia who recently wrote Lena and email: The young woman is 20 years old and had been married a few months. She and her husband had divorced because her husband did not want to work, and her parents were not able to support them both any more.

Lena tells me that “men grow up without fathers, and that mothers raise these men.” (I believe that this is because millions of Russian men had been killed during the Second World War and during Stalin’s purges). “When these men are 25 or 27,” Lena says, “they cannot clean their socks and clothes and are waiting for the same care from his wife or girlfriends.” As Lena explains, they are already adjusted to the kind of life where they are taken care of, and, in Lena’s words, “just read, watch TV and sports games (like hockey). They don’t want to work… They see a lot of beautiful women, so today he loves his wife, and tomorrow he loves another young.”

I think that this at least gives us good insight as to what Russian women’s perception of are Russian men and the state of Russian marriages and relationships.

I was still wondering why Russian women, who are known for being committed and loyal and traditional, ask for divorce even when their marriage life becomes difficult. Lena answers that “Women ask for divorce when they know that her husband has done something bad in life [like being unfaithful]. Usually women do not ask for divorce. But they are proud and will not forget [or forgive] if her husband has been unfaithful.”

Lena says that “People in Russia cannot pay rent for their own apartment, so this leads to problems with father-in-laws and moth-in-laws, and this leads to quarrels and other problems in the marriage… And then, after a while, they grow tired.

According to one of Lena’s Russian women friends who is now remarried to an American and has newly arrived in the U.S., when she and her Russian husband dated, her husband presented her flowers, carried her in her arms, etc… But after the first marriage night, she told Lena that he completely changed. He spent more time with his friends, didn’t want to work hard, used alcohol (first time drinking a little, then more and more)... Her child that she had with her husband was only about 2 years old when they divorced (she was the one who filed for a divorce). Lena says that “Very often, after some years, Russian men use bad words and say bad things about their wives… She didn’t have any help for her husband, just disappointment in life.”

******

(I will post more "chapters" of this essay that I am writing as I write them..... I am also going to revise and expand the parts of the essay that I have already posted....)

Khashyar

Posted by: Keith

Khashyar:

Just wanted you to know that your postings are being read...this was a very interesting chapter...thanks!

Keith

Posted by: Khashyar

Thanks for the feedback, Keith...

I'm glad that you are enjoying the chapter

Also... thank you so much for the world clock software.... I am going to place it on our website this weekend. I appreciate your efforts in finding and programming it, and in emailing it to me...

Khashyar

Posted by: Keith

Oops this message was posted in the wrong place...Khashyar, can you move it? Thanks

How strange but after making the above posting about life expectancy, I was reading something totally unrelated to this subject and the same fact was mentioned but that 40 or 50 years ago the life expectancy was much higher so something more recently is the cause for the decline in life expectancy in Russian males.

Keith

Posted by: Keith

Khashyar:

There are other parameters on the world clock that can be adjusted like background color, etc. Once you incorporate it into the site, we'll see how it looks and maybe we can fine tune it. I think it will be a big help and a useful tool to those communicating with people in Russia. I set up one such clock in my own personal web portal in addition to weather, etc.

Keith

Posted by: Harry

I'm also reading these mini "essays" as you call them Khashyar - they're really interesting and not something I often talk with my GF about since I sometimes worry I can offend her by discussing fellow countrymen in a negative light.

However it is heartening to read of the cultural nature of fidelity and commitment and the differences between national attitudes towards it.

I think this is one reason I am so devoted to her.

Posted by: ConnerVT

A bit off topic, but only just noticed keith's post after reading Harry's recent one.

Quote:

Originally posted by Keith
There are other parameters on the world clock that can be adjusted ...... a useful tool to those communicating with people in Russia.

My wrist watch, which I wear daily, has been set to the local time in Russia since the trip when I first met Natalya. I have never set it back to my local time, as it's another thing to remind me of her...

Posted by: jlsilicon

Children without Fathers ... I have discussed this issue with my new russian wife in the past. She explained to me that many men in riussia are not dedicated to one woman. So, many husbands have multiple girlfriends with no interest in getting married. This leaves many women with children without fathers. Also women tend to marry early in life in russia.

Posted by: Texas Proud

Reviving an old post... but with some of the information coming out of Russia it is an interesting point... one article recently said that the Russian divorce rate is now at 80%!!! I do not think you can blame this all on the women... just like you can not blame the 50% rate in the US on either sex.... both have something to do with the high rate... sometimes you look past the bad when dating, but it gets worse when married... you need to open up your eyes and only marry someone that you can put up with their bad habits also..

Posted by: RobOhioGuy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

Reviving an old post... but with some of the information coming out of Russia it is an interesting point... one article recently said that the Russian divorce rate is now at 80%!!! I do not think you can blame this all on the women... just like you can not blame the 50% rate in the US on either sex.... both have something to do with the high rate... sometimes you look past the bad when dating, but it gets worse when married... you need to open up your eyes and only marry someone that you can put up with their bad habits also..

The younger a couple is when they marry, the lower the chances are of the marriage surviving a life time. I know things are starting to change but its not unsual for kids to marry when they are 18-20 for the first time. I know my wife got married when she was almost 17.

There is a strong link between level of education and divorce rates as well. This is probably becuase of two things education influences. Obviously, the better the education the better the job one can obtain.

Money problems are also a leading cause of divorce. Toss in heavy drinking and carousing and you have the ingredients for a marital blow up.

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by RobOhioGuy

The thing that I think... nothing to back it up... is that all these things were going on before... get married young, have children young, lots of drinking and cheating.. just that getting a divorce was either not an option or it would put the woman in such a bad situation it was worse than what she had..

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by RobOhioGuy

Obviously, the better the education the better the job one can obtain.

I always find it interesting when the word "obviously" is used. Rob, I respectfully suggest you need to look at who the rich people are in this world and they are not those in general with degrees. A degree is in general a path to mediocrity. Sure, it won't be on the bottom rung but..

My own circumstance is not rich by any means but despite having never finished my bachelors degree has not stopped me being employed by universities. I have a mate in the same work as me who has first class honours and won the university medal in his field. I _still_ continue to outpace him in terms of salary to this day.

I have another mate who has three degrees to his name and is unable to get a job paying over 30k a year. He is intelligent, speaks two languages at least, hard working. He has even done volunteer work in places like East Timor but still can't crack a good paying job.

Posted by: Mr.Humble

As a rule I'd say 'yes more and better' would be better (can never have enough). After that it is opportunity, drive, and just plain luck.

There are exceptions to everything....myself, for instance, not highly educated...nor are many people in my field of work...but in the well service industry the average Joe makes between 60-120K/yr (there are drawbacks...like..."where is home?")...many go on to get an engineering degree or just sheer experience and make much more than that (personal drive does wonders).

From what I saw in russia (well..Moscow) there is lots of opportunities for educated people...there are headhunting companies just going nuts trying to keep up to the demand (from what I read in the Moscow Times when I was there). For the lesser educated it is really tough.

I did meet some awesome women there (married and, by extension, coworkers of mine). They are happily married and led energitic and interesting lives. One lady mentioned how much her hubby 'hates' cleaning...so she does that because she knows that he 'loves' cooking and almost never lets her do that....so really, she has a pretty good deal there...plus they go on ski trips etc....

So there are good stories over there (but we are not as interested in them because we want to woo those ladies away from russia

)

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Deccie...

I can not speak of your country... but in the US, it has been proven that the higher the education the higher the average salary... and by a good amount.. this is from memory, but I think that a college education adds about 50% to earning power over not having one...

Also, if you look at the Forbes 400 richest people... I would bet that at least 300.. probably closer to all 400 have a college education..

So, just because YOU make more than you mates and you do not have the degree... that does not mean it is the norm... and, you might have a skill that is hard to find so it gets more money.... guess what.. that IS education.

So, let's get this thread back to the subject and if we want to discuss more... let's start a new thread..

Posted by: deccie

Did you? (open a new thread)

Or do you want the last reply in a thread and then want someone else to open one?

Posted by: JamesB

This was interesting to read.I married Liuda 3 days ago and we had some quite lengthy chats about our fears.
My fear was the age difference but Liuda put me completly at ease and as you said she mentioned that many men in Russia had more than one woman.Im so happy now and just hope that Liuda gets her visa next week.

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Did you? (open a new thread)

Or do you want the last reply in a thread and then want someone else to open one?

I did not open one.. I did not know if you wanted to discuss... if you do, and would like to get other opinions... open one up... but I am about to be in the FSU for a bit over two weeks and will not respond....

Posted by: instantorture

... but Liuda put me completly at ease and as you said she mentioned that many men in Russia had more than one woman.

Wish I cud understand that...!!

Posted by: RobOhioGuy

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

You missed the entire pier let alone the boat.

There is a relatively low correlation between education and entrepreneurs. That said, that has almost absolutely NOTHING to do with the validity of the connection between income and education.

For every successful entrepreneur with only a high school education, Ill show you 25 who make minimum wage or slightly above it.

You said:

My own circumstance is not rich by any means but despite having never finished my bachelors degree has not stopped me being employed by universities. I have a mate in the same work as me who has first class honours and won the university medal in his field. I _still_ continue to outpace him in terms of salary to this day.

I will ask you again, do you and your buddy make more than the vast majority of people who only have the most basic level of education? A degree is in general a path to mediocrity. Sure, it won't be on the bottom rung but..

So now please, explain how that is not in total agreement with my original statement?

As a group, people with college degree's tend to make significantly more money that those who either do not finish high school or only have a high school diploma.

I would challenge you to provide some kind of evidence that supports your position other than your own anecdotal experience that is not even statistically important.