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One More Beer
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Posted by: GreenBarb

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there.
When she looks good enough ill go home.

Posted by: Keith In Kodiak

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockefeller, looking bored. "What’s it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, then cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That’s terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I’m going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "They boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, then cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that’s the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but we missed our 5 year plan for oil and knives, somebody stole the chains, the vultures left and asked for political asylum…

Three people are in a prison camp, and decide to compare reasons for being sent there.
The first one says: "I was late for work, so I was arrested for sabotage."
The second one says: "I was early, so I was arrested for spying."
The third one says: "I was right on time; I was arrested for buying foreign watch on black market."

A Soviet asks an Englishman:
- Why is there no anti-semitism in your country ?
- Because we don’t think we’re dumber than Jews.

Soviet alzheimers:
An old man standing in front of a grocery outlet with an empty bag who can’t remember if he was going to the store or coming back.

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "Just once, I want to be alone with you."

Teacher: What did the Soviet people light their houses with, before Stalin invented candles?
Vasily: Electricity?

Soviet economics: What is the value ratio between the ruble, the dollar and the pound?
-A pound of rubles costs one dollar.

A party leader explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds wildly except for one guy standing in the back.
-"Why aren’t you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I’m the nurse"

An immigration officer asks a man:
- Why do you want to go to Israel?
- My wife gives me no peace. Every moment she pleads: "Lets go, lets go!"
- Well, let her go.
- You know, my daughters insist also.
- So what?
- And my mother-in-law and father-in-law want to leave as well...
- Are you a man or not? Let all of them go and stay here.
- I wish I could. But I’m the only Jew in the family

Why does a Lada have a heated rear window?
So that the hands don’t freeze when you push it.

How can you double the value of your Lada? Fill it up.....

A Soviet peasant is being led to the place of his execution.
-Some bad weather we’re having, - he says to his executioners.
-Look who’s complaining!!! We have walk back in this!

Latvian father and son: What filthy feet you have, father!!! They’re even dirtier than mine!!!
- That’s because I’m much older than you, son.

For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His cover was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy? - the lady asked.
-Of course not, why do you ask old lady?
-Well, we don’t have a lot of black men around here.

n I need to borrow your gun, Fedya.
- You need it for self-defense, Katya?
- No. I’ll hire a lawyer a lawyer for that.

An experienced Soviet surgeon rebukes a young one.
- Who taught you to make such awful incisions? This is the fourth operating table you’ve scratched up!

An Aeroflot flight attendant in a plane announces,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is going in for a landing. Please fasten your seat belts or it will be just like it was on the last flight."
A concerned passenger asks,
"So what happened on the last flight?"
She answers casually,
"Those who didn’t buckle up were smeared all over the cabin. Those who did looked just like they were still alive."

At the International Genetics Meeting.
An American reports:
- We created cows that eat paper and cardboard waste, yet mature into tender full grown beeves in only 3 months.
The French report:
- We succeeded in creating chickens that eat only lawn clippings and produce a dozen eggs a day.
The Soviet reports
- We crossed watermelon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away.

Vasily and his grandfather were going fishing. They stopped to dig worms. The grandfather said,
"Vasily, I`ll give you a Ruble if you can pull that fat worm out of that hole without breaking him.."
Vasily pulled the worm out and collected his Ruble. Then the grandfather said,
"I`ll pay you 5 Rubles if you can put it back into that hole.
Vasily thought about it for a while...then ran home, returning with a can of hair spray. He sprayed the worm and slid it back into the hole. He collected the 5 Rubles.
Next morning his grandfather said,
"Vasily, I am very proud of how you figured that out yesterday....here’s your 5 Rubles."
Vasily said he had been paid the day before and grandpa didn’t owe him anything.
Grandpa said, "This is from your grandmother."

*

# A Russian and an American are talking:
- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for a vacation abroad, I rent a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe (a police car). If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red (an ambulance). I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keith In Kodiak

Why does a Lada have a heated rear window?
So that the hands don’t freeze when you push it.

How can you double the value of your Lada? Fill it up.....

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?............................A skip!!

Posted by: jacktar

A Russian takes his American friend back to his apartment to sleep off a late night drinking session. As they stagger along the passageway toward the Russian's door, the American spots a huge brass gong hanging on the wall, with a large hammer leaning beside it.
"Whats this,?" he asks. The Russian replies, "Oh thats my talking clock." The American is intrigued, "Show me how it works." The Russian picks up the hammer and gives the gong a mighty blow,- the noise is terrific. A few seconds later there is a thunderous banging on the wall, and an anguished voice yells out. "You bastard!!! - it's 2am!!!.........

Jacktar