Wife "bored"--need advice - Russian Ukrainian Belarus Travel Music Woman Dating News

	The Russian Meeting Place: A place to meet people and talk about all things Russian... International Discussions about Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Travel, Music, Russian News, Ukrainian culture, Belarusian Dating, Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Kiev and other intelligent topics about life in the former Soviet Union.

Pages: 1

Wife "bored"--need advice
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)

Posted by: Married Guy

I have been with my now wife for about two years. This summer, she finally joined me in the US and we were married. Generally, we are happy together, compatible, and I do believe she loves me, however, lately she has been complaining that she is bored. I understand that some of this is just being in a new country, far away from friends and family (for the first time), but I just don't know quite what to do about it. I have suggested different past times or hobbies that we could take up together, but nothing that I suggest interests her. When I ask her what she would like to do, she says that she doesn't know.

Recently I bought her her own computer. Now, every waking moment she is on line. She often even stays up to 4 or 5 in the morning reading forums, sending e-mails, playing games, etc.

I'm a little hurt because she never wants to do anything with me (everything is "boring"), but spends so much time on the computer.

Any suggestions?

Posted by: FlashingEyes

First suggestion - maybe instead of only suggesting things that would be interesting to you and asking her to take them up as hobbies you should join her in her hobbies...try getting a second computer, if you don't already have one, a router so you can both be online at the same time, and spend some time participating with her in whatever online activities she finds appealing.

Second suggestion - it sounds like with that much free time that she is not working. Get her working...working and going to school part-time is even better, but working is ESSENTIAL. I'm sure I don't need to explain to you the infinite value of work in keeping one's personal life focused and in balance, and the equivalent infinitely destructive (especially to relationships) nature of "idle hands".

Third suggestion - unfortunately even after we are grown up all of us still like to play the child, playing games and having fun, wanting our own way, etc. It sounds like these urges are tugging at your wife, and your response should be to remain the adult. An adult does not critisize a child or call a child childish, but does lead by example, is not needy or clingy, but independent and self-assured, and keeps the child on a productive path.

You should act now before it is too late.

Posted by: Jutman

Hi

maybe all this is new to her. Wait a little and see if this foruma dn so on, will get her bored to.

Try to take her to get friends of her own. Perhaps even ex-russian or so.
This is my wifes top priotarity.

Good luck

Posted by: Laters

I guess the computer is new to her and everything the internet has to offer so I can see how she can be engrossed in it. But you definitely need to make time for couple things. It can be simple things, not lasting more than an hour. A walk. A bath. Or even a lunch date.

Posted by: Jim_FL

Quote:

Originally posted by Married Guy
I have suggested different past times or hobbies that we could take up together, but nothing that I suggest interests her. When I ask her what she would like to do, she says that she doesn't know.

This may seem a little silly but - STOP SUGGESTING and just DO. I have learned that if I suggest things to my wife, she will have an infinate number of reasons why we cannot follow through. However, if I show up with a set of theatre tickets, we will go out and have a great time. You don't need any great long term solutions to start out with, but you do need to do some small things like this to keep home from feeling like "jail" while you work out more permanent solutions. While she may not be able to work immediately, she can go to school whether she's still on her visa or has already filed to adjust status.

Understand too, that you may catch some flak if you look at "college" as this is not the same type of school as "university" in Russia (college in Russia is more like what we'd call "vo-tech" school here and carries the same negative connotation) so it's worth explaining the difference before trying to talk her into ESL classes at the local community college

Posted by: Tami

Hello,I'm new here. Many month I had been at russian forum. Lena and Hashuar are a great couple,I like Lena very much.
I'm a happiest woman in the world and I got married my beloved man. He is great and life is great with him.We are married 3 1/2 months. We are very happy. My husband has a job that he can be at home all the time. I'm not bored of his presence-if I will be without him I'll die!!!!We are always together-every minute and second. That's great!!!! After we got married he became a "home body"-he loves to be at home,to watch TV...Sometimes I ask him to go for a walk or to do something together. Now we got a dog so now I'm more bussy with a puppy.Also I have to help my son with English. We always hang out together and it is great. I do hope our love will never end.
One month ago I had a depression,very bad depression. I felt useless...miserable.... I had no documents to get my driver's license (I still have no documents,no job permission,etc.) and I felt the time stopped for me. In my country I worked (I was used to work hard), I went somewhere,I met with my friends. Here I have no friends,sometimes I call some russin girls who live nearby.... I'm tied to home because I can't drive a car and all is so far in Orange County,CA....It is not possible to walk ...That depression was horrible.I suffered and my husband was unhappy too because he saw my crying face..... Now I calmed down and we are happy,very happy. I will never forget the words he told me :" I understand you and your feelings. In some months you will get documents and you will start a new life. We are finally together and that's all that is importaint !!!".

Posted by: inlove

Quote:

Originally posted by Tami
Hello,I'm new here. Many month I had been at russian forum. Lena and Hashuar are a great couple,I like Lena very much.
I'm a happiest woman in the world and I got married my beloved man. He is great and life is great with him.We are married 3 1/2 months. We are very happy. My husband has a job that he can be at home all the time. I'm not bored of his presence-if I will be without him I'll die!!!!We are always together-every minute and second. That's great!!!! After we got married he became a "home body"-he loves to be at home,to watch TV...Sometimes I ask him to go for a walk or to do something together. Now we got a dog so now I'm more bussy with a puppy.Also I have to help my son with English. We always hang out together and it is great. I do hope our love will never end.
One month ago I had a depression,very bad depression. I felt useless...miserable.... I had no documents to get my driver's license (I still have no documents,no job permission,etc.) and I felt the time stopped for me. In my country I worked (I was used to work hard), I went somewhere,I met with my friends. Here I have no friends,sometimes I call some russin girls who live nearby.... I'm tied to home because I can't drive a car and all is so far in Orange County,CA....It is not possible to walk ...That depression was horrible.I suffered and my husband was unhappy too because he saw my crying face..... Now I calmed down and we are happy,very happy. I will never forget the words he told me :" I understand you and your feelings. In some months you will get documents and you will start a new life. We are finally together and that's all that is importaint !!!".

Tami, dear, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Depression is not going to leave you alone unless you take preventive measures. It takes time to get all documents processed, but once they are done, what you are going to do?
Friends are not going to magically appear, job offers are not going to fall from the sky.. Coordinate schedules with your husband and start taking action right now. Sign up for courses at a local community college to learn some new skills, volunteer at some organization to make new friends, find yourself a hobby to productively occupy yourself. Spend more time on perfecting your English, and learn some other language (Spanish, maybe) along the way. MAKE YOUR HUSBAND TO DRIVE YOU EVERYWHERE, since he is at home most of the time, or see if a local public transportation can work for you. I know, public transportation sucks in California, I lived there for a while myself, but there are always options you can explore.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Posted by: Tami

Thanks for nice words. I live in Orange County,CA and we don't have the public transportation...

I would feel different (better) if I had my papers back.... I would feel more comfortable....

Anyway,I'm planning to evoluate my degree and to couninue my education here. I'm always with my husband. We are happy together.

Posted by: rtking

Tami, I also live in Orange County. Public transportation isn't very well organized here and, without a car, it truly is difficult to get around. I would suggest just getting out of the house and walk around the neighborhood. If you feel more daring, you can try to find the bus schedules in your neighborhood and see if you can take the bus to the ocean or to a local mall.

Good luck!

Bob

Posted by: That1Guy

Hi Tami,

Have you considered taking online classes? Many colleges offer a wide variety of classes that you can take from your home, thus eliminating the need for transportation. I realize this does not get you out of the house, but it will occupy your time productively. Cerro Coso Community College here in Ridgecrest has quite an extensive online curriculum, and people from all over the country enroll there.

Guy

Posted by: moonlight

Quote:

Originally posted by Tami
We are always together-every minute and second. That's great!!!!

Hi everyone, I am new here so sorry if I am dragging out some old topics.
Anyway, just wanted to say: Tami, that's wonderful to read about how happy people can be and how glad I am for you. But, please, follow inlove's and others' advise if you still didn't do so and try to find something to do on your own, outside the house, completely independently from your husband. The more you are getting used to the fact that your husband is always in the vicinity, the more dependent you become on him and his presence and this is dangerous - smothering love never done anything good to anybody. You'll see how exciting it feels to be able to get out there on your own and then to share the experience with your loved one. No need to say that the more independent you are the more respect you get, which is crucial in any relationships. Good luck!

Posted by: Jutman

Quote:

sorry if I am dragging out some old topics

As one of the 'old' I just want to say Don't be sorry. Thats the idea of RMP.
Hope you will find answers, get ideas and as you do: contribute.

So WELCOME

Posted by: RobOhioGuy

Quote:

Originally posted by Married Guy
I have been with my now wife for about two years. This summer, she finally joined me in the US and we were married. Generally, we are happy together, compatible, and I do believe she loves me, however, lately she has been complaining that she is bored. I understand that some of this is just being in a new country, far away from friends and family (for the first time), but I just don't know quite what to do about it. I have suggested different past times or hobbies that we could take up together, but nothing that I suggest interests her. When I ask her what she would like to do, she says that she doesn't know.

Recently I bought her her own computer. Now, every waking moment she is on line. She often even stays up to 4 or 5 in the morning reading forums, sending e-mails, playing games, etc.

I'm a little hurt because she never wants to do anything with me (everything is "boring"), but spends so much time on the computer.

Any suggestions?

There is more to this problem than just being 'bored'

One of the things Ive picked up on about my fiancee who is living with me is that if I ask her ANYTHING Ex. Are you hungry, do you want to do or go here? Her Immediate response, WITHOUT FAIL, is to ask me am I hungry? Do I want to go here or do this....

So now, I dont ask, I simply tell her we are going here in an hour or I simply tell her Im hungry lets go eat or lets start dinner. If she isnt hungry or doesnt want to go she will tell me she isnt hungry or she doesnt really want to go....

LEAD stop asking her.

Secondly, you may have deeper problems in the marriage. Some people who prefer to avoid conflict will escape to the computer as a means to become uninvolved in the relationship. If you are honest with yourself, you will know if its a problem of you not leading or deeper and biger problems.

Posted by: FrancoPUA

Quote:

Originally Posted by Married Guy

I'm a little hurt because she never wants to do anything with me (everything is "boring"), but spends so much time on the computer.
Any suggestions?

You are being too nice to her and she is for that reasons and maybe other reasons losing attraction for you.

It is important for you to get back to the phase you met each other, at the time you were for her THE MAN who gave her all those "thrills".

That is not for granted in a couple relationship. It has to be "ketp up". In a word: give her some emotional "highs" and "lows" instead of buying her computers and she will stop being bored.

Posted by: FrancoPUA

RobOhioGuy,
very good advice.

>LEAD stop asking her.

Yes by asking her he is destroying her attraction for him. He has to LEAD.

Posted by: That1Guy

I think boredom can indicate an underlying lack of motivation and/or inspiration. I tend to stay pretty busy most of the time, and unfortunately, a lot of my time is consumed with trivial day-to-day activities (laundry, cleaning, maintenance, etc.). I am motivated to clean the house because I enjoy a clean house. But this type of motivation can only carry me so far, and there are days when I don�t want to do the mundane things. In other words, I become bored because I am not adequately motivated to do these things. In contrast, there are times when I am taking a class for example, and something inspires me. I can easily spend many hours working on an assignment, and it is quite enjoyable. In other words, I am inspired and motivated to work, and I do not feel bored. So, I think it is important to find things that interest you, fit your personality, lifestyle, schedule, etc. and throw yourself into them whole-heartedly. The more passionate you are about an activity, the easier it is to find motivation to do it. I suppose the trick is discovering what motivates or inspires you. What has worked for me is experimentation � keep trying new things until something creates a spark of interest, and then pursue it.

I know these thoughts are geared more towards the "bored" individual, and not very useful for the spouse of a bored person. The suggestions I have read about "taking the lead" I think are valid, and may lead to her discovering something she can become passionate about, and relieve the boredom she is now experiencing.

Posted by: B82

Do something fun. Maybe take her Rollerskating or rock climbing, if you can afford to do so. Climbing walls are alot of fun and it's great exercise.

Posted by: joelunchbox

Don't forget dancing. Ballroom, salsa, whatever. Personally, I like squaredance. Contra dance is similar.
Just in case you are still looking for something to do in Ridgecrest, take a look here:
http://www.cactusdandies.com/officers.htm

Posted by: NO_MERCY

----Any suggestions?

----Wellbutrin 80 mg daily. All my friends - immigrants from different countries - are on anti-depressants. A friend from Latvia takes them for 9 years already. Girls from UK hate this place even more then myself, but Well-butrin works miractles even with them.

Posted by: inlove

Quote:

Originally Posted by RBS

Also, have you installed spyware such as Goldeneye to monitor her email conversations?

Gib

It is a huge invasion of privacy. I hope he never follows this suggestion, and respects his wife's right to private correspondence.
if there are issues in the family, spying on each other is not going to solve them.

Posted by: RBS

Quote:

Originally Posted by inlove

Inlove, here is where I am coming from. A friend of mine marries a Russian. Gets some strange vibes from her. At my suggestion installs spyware. Finds out she is carrying on with another lad whom she wants to sail to and abandon my friend. We just have to be on our guard. It does not sound nice but as Reagan said, trust, but verify. The Russians know this phrase and use it for their own purposes. Your blanket comment does not help people here. Yes, you sound good and moral and all that, but relationships are muddy and murky. And as they say, all is fair in love and war. And that is the truth!

Gib

Posted by: inlove

Quote:

Originally Posted by RBS

I know where you are coming from better than you might think. My ex regularly was going through my private diaries because of his own insecurities, and there is no wonder that we called it quits after some time. If you cannot trust a person, you should not marry them.

Posted by: RBS

Quote:

Originally Posted by inlove

Rot. If you suspect you should investigate. You are the hunting ground for predators who give relationships a bad name. I spied my spouse out like mad. And why not? Why should I believe what someone tells me? You are putting your life on the line but if you value your life you will invest in finding out the truth. We can never be sure about a spouse. But we can make some preliminary investigations. Grow up and abandon your illusions. If you would like to know more send me a private message. I think I could do something for you.

Gib

Posted by: inlove

Quote:

Originally Posted by RBS

Why you got married on the first place is definitely beyond me.

I hope your wife enjoys the ride.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Hello wake up and smell the coffee. You are advocating something that is morally reprehensible.

My ex spied on me and even went as far as changing my settings on my emails so she could have them sent to hers so she wouldn't get caught going into my email addies. In the case of my ex even 2 years after the last time a saw her and over 1 year since the last time I spoke to her she is still up to her crap and it WILL end up in court.

Let me make it clear if you delve into this sort of behaviour then you are NO better than the people who you are trying to catch out, if they are all that bad anyway and it isn't just your own extreme paranioa that is feeding your delusions.

Posted by: AkMike

This guy also posted that he liked very young prostitutes during his marriage.
So remember there is more than 1 side to a story.

Posted by: skinsfan

in my situation, i made sure that my wife began ESL classes almost immediately upon her arrival.....also, i learned quickly and early on that if i asked my wife what she would like to do...she always would say " i don't know "...now i plan small trips... and smply say we are going for a surprise....i try and take her to lunch as often as possible.....igot packet8, so she could call friends and family......all people are different, but you must create adventures as much as possible, we await her EAD so she can get a job..it will help in her independence, also teach her to drive.....this is a new country, and all is new to her....all she knew before is what she saw on TV and the movies....be patient...if she really wants to embrace her new life, she will...good luck !!

Posted by: That1Guy

RBS,

I have read much of this thread, and I am of the opinion that you may have some issues regarding trust. Have you considered that you may be projecting your own behavior onto those you would like to trust? You seem to be extremely untrusting - to the point that it is not constructive. I think it's sad that you cannot conceive the notion of trusting someone until you have spent years investigating their private affairs without their knowledge or consent. There are many less intrusive ways to protect oneself from scams. I am not writing this to flame you, merely making an observation - so if you are not seeking approval as you have stated others here do, perhaps you will not take offense, and take a moment to engage in a little introspective investigation. I also do not wish to sound condescending - I have my own faults that I would rather not discuss here.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by RBS

I got married because I spied on my wife for 3 years. Hired agencies, planted bugs, used spyware on her emails. When I found out she was straight I went ahead.
Gib

The poor girl...what did she do wrong to end up with you?

Posted by: NO_MERCY

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

The poor girl...what did she do wrong to end up with you?

I asked myself this question.. See, its safe to assume that marriage is stable only if spouses share core values. If you take it as a working theory, you would be able to make a few rather curious conclusions. Now, about core values.. I am not making conclusions, just presnting facts (quotes by RBS).

- But don't con yourself into believing ... she loves you.
- You are her meal ticket. But that can be OK
- Once she sees you are a good provider [...] love may grow.
- dessicated rats and pissed off things that pose as women in the US
- Get a good prenup and put your assets in a trust.

Now, remember the working theory? The values should be shared for the marriage to last.. The marriage, in this guy's own words, has lasted for 5 years. Which means the values more or less match. We all deserve what we get.

Posted by: FrancoPUA

Quote:

Originally Posted by NO_MERCY

I asked myself this question.. See, its safe to assume that marriage is stable only if spouses share core values. .

Agree 100% No marriage can last if core values do not match. People who do not understand this are either dishonest or immature.

Posted by: RoninRWP

MarriedGuy,

Though the thread starter is a couple of months old, I will throw in my two kopecks worth since this is one of those perennial topics.

RW get bored. I don't think that any WM/RW relationship can avoid this. It is simply a function of one or more of the following: repetition, familiarity and/or lack of challenge. However, too much boredom will lead to depression. This is to be avoided.

In the beginning, the RW's world is defined by how functional she is in her new surroundings. Consequently, her world is small. So activities that she can do, become all: repetitive, familiar and lacking challenge.

As Franco said, it is up to the man to �be the man� and lead her into new activities and to help her become more functional in society. She is depending on you to lead and you have led her to the computer and the Internet. This should increase her world significantly, however at some point you must lead her to things in the real world so that she may grow.

The computer is an interesting diversion so long as the activities there are productive. Still, you must get her out of the house and into the world or she will grow stir crazy. Worse is that if you don�t do this, she may lose respect for you as a husband. If you don�t lead, she may interpret that you are not performing your duties as a caring husband. If you lose her respect, things can go down hill quickly in the relationship.

RoninRWP
New Guy to Forum

Posted by: Khashyar

Welcome to the RMP Forums, Franco and Ronin...

I look foreward to reading your experiences and thoughts.

Khashyar

Posted by: FrancoPUA

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoninRWP

Consequently, her world is small. So activities that she can do, become all: repetitive, familiar and lacking challenge.

This is very true and especially true if the country she moves into is very industrialized. I have seen both the sides because I happen to spend my time partly in my country partly in her country.

In fact in many FSU countries the social network is build very often out of necessity so it can be for her a hell of a shock to come to her new country and find out that if she does not program in advance her own social network she actually remains without such.

This was for my RW a shocking thing and still is at a certain extent. She goes in her town to the local market and can chat to almost everyone and here in my country ( Scandinavic country ) no one pays attention to her if she goes to shops and social network has to be built actively.

When she is in my country she oftens seems to be like a tiger in a cage. Anyway in our western society there are also spoiled situation and environments so the man has to be careful in the choice of friends and also very clear about family borders - which are actually very strict in FSU, too.