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Married Partners (Russians' beliefs about infidelity)
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Posted by: heybuddy

Is it common for men and women in Russia to have lovers besides their marriage partners? After I was married one of the "guys" who spoke english asked me if North Americans viewed marriage the same as him and most men in Russia. He had said a lot of married men still had girlfriends?

Posted by: heybuddy

I forgot to mention. That I am not like one of those guys! One girl is good for me

Posted by: barry

Heybuddy,

What I have learned from my wife and other RW, it is common for both spouses to have lovers. It is more common and acceptable for the man to have girlfriends, but the married woman has desires too! A one woman man is treasured by many RW, even if they don't expect it.

Barry

Posted by: Khashyar

Hi guys.....

I have heard this question and topic asked before...

I think that a Russian woman would say that infidelity happens more often than they would like amongst Russian men.

And I read someone else say that some Russian women also may have lovers other than their husbands, but.. my wife Lena told me a while ago: when does a Russian wife have time to keep a lover when she is cooking food, working, and raising the children??

I wonder if the Russian view about sexuality is more open and liberal than the American view of sexuality and fidelity???

Of course, Americans were culturally influenced by Puritanism, while Europeans seem more open-minded about sexuality (I am not making a judgement that saying that one is good and that the other is bad)... Are Russians more European in their views about sexuality, or are they more conservative like Americans??

I am just not completely sure how Russian women feel about their own fidelity other than what my wife Lena told me. So, according to Lena, in general, Russian women are pretty faithful to their husbands and are unhappy about any unfaithfulness in their husbands, so I am concluding that they also would not feel comfortable about not being faithful themselves...

It would be helpful to receive some Russian women's perspectives on this question...

Khashyar

Posted by: Jutman

hi

European view !!! Sorry - but I am pretty sure that European are less into infedelity than Americans.

Based on commets from my RW it is very wide spread in Russia. My RW had 10 close friend and 7 of these are women. 2 of these live as a 'mistress'.

Posted by: Vyesna

I don't think there are reliable statistics in any country about this as people are probably less likely to answer even an anonymous poll as honestly on this subject as on others. My general impression is that in Russia infidelity is practised more openly, especially by men-- but to what extent it happens more or less than here, I don't know. There are men there who think it is their right as men to have both wives and girlfriends (a la Tony Soprano), but there are men like that here too, it's just that men like that here may be more worried about social disapproval for voicing such a view. I think I read a poll once that something like half of all married men in America are unfaithful at some point in their marriage and something like a third of women.

I don't think time has that much to do with whether a person is unfaithful or not-- people have been unfaithful even when the social consequences are extreme, which would be a much heavier consideration I think than time. Extremely busy Wall Street executive types who work from 8 am til midnight still find time to cheat if they want to.

Posted by: Shane

"my wife Lena told me a while ago: when does a Russian wife have time to keep a lover when she is cooking food, working, and raising the children??"

I would say men and women are EQUALLY guilty of having extra-marital affairs, i.e., there are approximately EQUAL numbers of men and women who are doing this, in any country; it is just simple arithmetic: it is with a woman that a man has an affair (and vice versa). Unless he is gay or has mutiple lovers, the number of men who commit adultery should be equal to that of women who do the same. If Lena's observation was true, then who were all these Russian guys having affair with? Kindergarten girls? Or AW maybe? :-)

Regarding Vyesna's comments, it has been my observation that oftentimes when someone brings up a potentially contentious issue and makes a statement, someone else will be quick to offer a counter example and maybe also points out a flaw or two in the former's arguments. While I think arguing(in a friendly way)and sharing different thoughts and opinions on an issue is the very essence of a dicussion forum like this one, I think it is implicitly assumed that, when making comparisons (between nations, peoples, etc) we are talking about things in a STATISTICAL sense. True, there is no reliable statistics on this adultery thing --- none in any country I believe, at least not official ones. But there is also no official statistics on who, Russians or Americans, smile more in public; nonetheless most on this forum seem to have a consensus on this issue (regardless of whether the smile is superficial or not.). My point is, when we look at things from a statistical perspective, counterexamples often do not carry as much weight as they may seem. I do agree with Vyesna though that American men perhaps are more concerned about the consequences of their affair on the marriage etc than their Russian counterparts. Does this mean Russian men are more straightforward and Americans are more hypocritical when it comes to human nature? I do not know.

The above having been said, I do believe that healthy debates as have occurred in many threads on this forum are an essential part
of the forum. I must say that those are most thought provoking and stimulating. Thanks, Khashyar, for providing us with such a wonderful "platform"!

Posted by: Jutman

Shane

About the time stuff. There is a difference in having a lover and then having extra marritial activity.

From my limited world, I tend to give your wife right, that a married women don't have a lover BUT ...
she might have extra activity at work. At least 20%* of women has done that and many more has been harrased. Or the man ask: have you paid the rent !! 'Yes'. she does not answer in cash or..

* from several statistics / surveys and when I talk to my GF she confirm it.

Posted by: Jutman

The tread ask, what is their belief in infidelity.

- Of course they don't want it and among the established people I would say its not a postive thing.

From my view a big part of the problems in Russia about this subject is the men, who fall in-love , get married and really don't want a family, so after some time he start to fool around. This is possible due to the combination of lack of money/ fun and also the numbers of men.

As I have written before, at the age of 22 there is equal number of boys and girl. In the EU/USA is around age 55. Not to mention some men has a problem due to alcohol and drugs.

Posted by: spamer

This has been a subject with Olya and myself. She got a divorce from her husband because as she told me "I was tired of competing with his 3 girlfriends"
She has talk to me about this matter happening in America, where I told her I do know a cases where the husband/wife had a affair, but not a girl/boy friend. (a booty call buddy)

Now when I was in Moscow, Olya made me stand next to her when she waived a taxi down, because she told me that if I wasn't there people would think she was a prostitute looking for a trick.
Also when we were walking back to the hotel after going to the opera, Olya asked me to walk faster because we were in the middle of a bunch of prostitutes looking for Johns, and she didn't want any troubles with them. Nor did she want the police to think she was a prostitute.

At Olya's flat, her roommate did have a boyfriend there who was much older than she was. (she's 40, he was 55) I was told he was married and the reason her roommate was with him was because he could help her make more money at her job.
(the part that did bug me was, nobody there thought it was wrong for them 2 to do that)

So, from what I have seen when I was there, I would say, sex out of a marriage is common.

Posted by: Shane

Just saw this a while ago on USA TODAY...

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/news...tity-belt_x.htm

Wonder if that stuff will sell in Russia?

Posted by: searcher

Quote:

Originally posted by Shane
Just saw this a while ago on USA TODAY...

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/news...tity-belt_x.htm

Wonder if that stuff will sell in Russia?

The answer is NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

better get one for the men too!!!!

I can just hear the howling now!!!!!

Posted by: Italianetz

AHHHH INFEDELITY.

As for the comment on Europeans and free love. I now live in the states with a small part of my familly, but in Italy we populate half of the country. I can say with a sense of pride....that only 2 members are divorced. One had an alcoholic for a husband (rare back home) and the other married an american. I'm 32 and never married. The reason is that I don't take it lightly at all. Once I do get married she will have my undying loyalty. Morals that all the people I know and associate with share.

Posted by: Jutman

I am sure 90% of the men who slips into adultery say that when they got married ( I be loyal to my wife)

Posted by: Shane

Your figure was an underestimate, Jutman. In fact 100% of men (and women) say "I do" when they first get married.

Posted by: NastasyA

A married man with lover...this is nothings new.

Posted by: Italianetz

True everyone goes into it with good intention, but not everyone is ready to do it when they do. Hence 50% divorce rate

Posted by: NastasyA

People i think...marry to first blooms of love..
after, comes a problems.When people grow, but apart.
To grow together, is to be happy. but how?

Posted by: Italianetz

Natashya,

If I knew I'd be rich from all the books I'd sell. Marrying too young could probably avoid most of the growing apart issues.

Posted by: NastasyA

Yes your correct.
But, to 27 i already how 'odd' to not be marry or have a child.
And here where most marry to age 22-23.
Xmmm
To what age? being best for marry?

Posted by: Italianetz

It all depends on the person. Some people can be 23 and be mature and responsible, while other can be 35 and act 17.

I have no answers, people suprise me everyday.