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Is my Russian Boyfriend just Greedy?
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Posted by: Bani

I met a wonderful guy last July while vacationing in Texas. Saw him on a dance floor and thought he was a goofy guy, but thought I'd talk to him. We hit it off! He came to visit me in California and again had a great time. We speak everyday and countinue a long distance relationship. I even stayed 22 days in Ekatrinburg, Russia with him and had a beautiful time. However, I notice a few things... When I visit him he always cooks at home which is fine of course because that is what he is used to in Russia. But he never takes me out to a nice restaurant. The third time I visited him I got all dressed up just to eat at a local Taco shop. Our first year anniversary came and all he sent me was an anniversary card. I sent him a package of thoughtful things..etc and I expected at least for him to send me roses. Can anyone tell me what are some dating rules in Russia if there are any...What a Russian man's "do's and don'ts" while dating. Or maybe I'm just dating a guy who's simply not thoughtful and a bit greedy with his money. ;0(AHhhhhh! 24 Female in Los Angeles

Posted by: searcher

From what I understand the AVERAGE salary in Russia is about $200 per month.

While the cost of living there is much different, it would still cost him a substantial amount to send roses and it would be prohibitively expensive to ship anything that weighed a lot.

Also, in some places NICE restaurants cost almost what they might cost here.

Posted by: Bani

My boyfriend has lived in the U.S for 18 months. He makes a good decent salary and is working on a PHD. I guess he may just be so used to the ways in Russia. However, he does buy nice expensive gifts for himself. YA ne pa ne miyo this man!!

I dated a Ukranian once and he was the total opposite. He was so chivalrous, caring, and thoughtful.

Posted by: Pin Boy

his behavior may not have anything to do with his nationality...maybe he's just not the type who showers women with gifts...you know this man a year...now is the time to decide if this is the type of man you want to be with...most people don't change much once they reach a certain age and attitudes toward money are often the most difficult to change...just my opinion

pin boy

good luck and if he washes out, drop me a line

Posted by: Bani

Yes, this is what I fear. I was hoping for it to be a cultural thing. My friends say that I shouldn't tell him anything because of course he would be simply doing it to please me and it wouldn't be from the heart. Thanks for the imput! About dropping you a line... thanks for the offer it was cute..

Posted by: Castlestormer

Cheapness knows no borders. There are plenty of AM who are tight as ticks also. And that trait is difficult to change. Just something to think about as you progress your relationship.

Posted by: Jill

If he does indeed make a decent salary, then he's just being cheap. Most Russian men I've dated are really into the wining and dining thing (even those who really couldn't afford to do so). CastleStormer and Pin Boy are right: cheapness is cheapness.

On the other hand, even if he does make a decent salary, perhaps he sends money home to Russia to help out his family, etc. Maybe he has expenses that you don't know about that would account for why he isn't able to spend as much money on you as perhaps he would like.

Quote:

However, he does buy nice expensive gifts for himself.

Hmmm.... Well, this points back to the cheapness issue.

Posted by: mria

Quote:

Originally posted by CastleStormer
tight as ticks

Ha ha! Did you invent that?

Posted by: Jill

You know, honestly, if he suits you in all other ways and you are generally happy with the relationship, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Everyone has his/her good qualities and bad qualities. And as far as bad qualities go, it could be worse.

Posted by: Bani

Thanks for that input! One thing I notice is that he is a very caring man. They say that caring and affectionate men make the best fathers. Someone wrote an article on this site about Russian men not being good fathers etc. they make the woman do all the work as a custom. However, when I went to Russia, all of his friends involved themselves in the preparation of food and in helping take care of the children much more than I ever saw in American families. So, if birds of a feather flock together...I'd say he's a keeper and will hopefully be the same way.

Posted by: Castlestormer

Quote:

Originally posted by mria
Ha ha! Did you invent that?

No. But we do have a lot of colloquialisms here in Texas that I have absolutely no idea what they mean. And that is one of them. I've always said that. Sorry.

Here's one you'll like: When a man has to go to the bathroom, he says: "Excuse me. I have to go see a man about a horse." I have no idea what that one means either, but I use it all the time.

We're "fixin to" hijack this thread, so we better "scoot".

Posted by: Bani

I have no idea what that means..to see a man about a horse???

Posted by: Vyesna

Bani,

I think you just have to ask -- does he show that he cares about you in other ways? If yes, than I wouldn't worry about it.

I have to do this fast so I hope I'm coherent. If not, ask me to clarify and I'll try to do so.

There's a book that's been discussed on some Russian Women's forums called the Five Love Languages, originally written in English (though I've only read chapters in Russian which are available on the internet for free so I don't know exactly how all the terms translate in English). It's sort of a self-help relationship book. I personally have never really read these books, I just read the chapters that were linked into the forum topic discussion to see what everyone was on about. I think there is something to the theories the author puts forward, which is about how people express love and caring for their partner, which typically takes the form of one of five "languages" or modes of expression that he has observed. One is gift giving, one is "help" (ie, doing things for each other), one is words of encouragement, one is physical and I can't remember the other. Of course, everyone uses more than one language in their relationship but each person typically has some form of expression of love and caring that is more important than others. If you are a gift person, than this is how you express your love, by carefully picking out presents for the other person, etc. If he is not, than he expresses it in some other way, perhaps by "help"--- since as you say, he likes to cook for you.

I am a "help" person. The fact that my husband has always cheerfully borne his fair share (and now, often more since I work a lot) of the household chores (this was something I made clear was important to me when we started living together in Russia) shows me that he cares and is in fact the most important to me. If he didn't, I'd feel like he didn't care. My husband is also somewhat of a "help" person-- he appreciates all I do to try and make life easier for him and to help his family, but also a words of encouragement person (words of encouragement are also important to me, but second to help).

We haven't given each other gifts very often over the six years of our marriage or even the year before that. Partially I never expected it before marriage when we lived over there and neither of us had much money. Once we moved here, we still didn't have money mostly for the first three years and we kind of got in the habit of just shopping together whenever anyone wants anything. Sometimes we have given each other stuff, but not too often...and really it's because it's not of primary importance to either one of us (I did insist on getting some recognition on March 8 this year flower wise since he made my birthday this year not so pleasant (not by lack of gift giving so much but other bad behavior), but it wasn't so much about getting something as having him remember "my" day in substitution for my birthday). We still dont' have wedding rings (we didn't have the money at the time to buy them) and haven't ever gotten around to buying them, although I have brought up that I would like some eventually. I guess when it comes down to it, if I really want a diamond ring badly now, I'll go buy it myself.

However, I know there are women who would be apalled at what I have "suffered" over the past 7 years in terms of not getting stuff and would think I was married to the worst, most selfish guy in the world. I might look at their husbands who do a lot less around the house than mine does and think they are the ones to be pitied. What it comes down to is figuring out 1) if he shows he cares and 2) what expression or language of love caring he uses and 3) if you can live with that expression instead of the expression you typically use (and recognize it as being of equal value). If gift giving is your primary mode of expression and is important to you, than just tell him...you don't expect the most expensive things or whatever, but for you, giving gifts carefully chosen is how you know the other person cares and if he could do it just once in a while for your birthday or whatever, it would make you feel really great. THere's nothing wrong with him knowing that, if he tries to accommodate you it is from the heart, even if before you telling him he didn't get it (because he shows his caring in other ways).

You need to then also figure out what expression of caring is most important to him and practice it. Maybe instead of sending him a nice package on your anniversary, something else would be more meaningful to him, I don't know. You have to figure it out.

You say he is a very affectionate person otherwise and I would say focus on that, his level of respect for you and what his expectations from you are as a partner. Things I would be more worried about are hypocrisy, rigid ideas about what you should be like (especially if you are not like that) and just generally showing that he doesn't care. If he really does care and shows his affection well in other ways, then don't worry about it. You can always go out and buy yourself nice things.

Posted by: Vyesna

BTW, my husband also is great with our baby, actually has primary responsibility for him because of my job and has no issues with that. When I was in Russia this year, I saw a number of men during the workday in the park with babies, so the whole stereotype of RM is way overblown, or at least applies less to the younger guys.

Posted by: Bani

Thank you! Your thoughts and the time you put into your response is much appreciated. I think in my situation, which is a long distance relationship(again, he lives in Texas) Phone calls, emails, and occasional gifts are the only means that can tell me how he feels about me. He says he loves me, but one can never know.
In the next upcoming months I need to decide if I should move to be with him. We've decided it's the only way our relationship can work. He cannot move to Los Angeles for certain reasons but I can move to Texas. I'd be leaving my family, my already set life, and beautiful apartment. Basically I have more to lose than he does if things don't work out.

In a year we've only spent maybe 60 days together -> includes him visiting me and me visiting him and a 22 day stay in Russia.
He came to L.A by himself the first time for 8 days. The other two times he's visited, he brought his mother from Russia (it was her first stay in the U.S) and on the second visit, a friend of his from Russia(also his first time in the US) I told him that although I loved having them stay with me, we need time alone so next time he visits he'd better just bring his luggage and himself.

I guess I'm pouring out a little too much about my love life here, but thanks again for the

Posted by: Irina L.

Hi Bani,
I think I nkow this type of men - he loves himsilf little too much, loves to shower himself with nice expencive gifts and later will surround himself with young pretty girls... he is just so good and he probably need to marry an american girl to get american citizenship.
be careful
irina.

Posted by: Bani

Well, most can be true of what you said..but he doesn't need a citizenship from me because he can get it through a company he'll work for. I'll just have to keep my eyes open on this one. I think he may just be a little silly and inexperienced . Thanks for your reply!

Posted by: Vyesna

Quote:

Originally posted by Irina L.
Hi Bani,
I think I nkow this type of men - he loves himsilf little too much, loves to shower himself with nice expencive gifts and later will surround himself with young pretty girls... he is just so good and he probably need to marry an american girl to get american citizenship.
be careful
irina.

A lot of RW would have said the same about my husband when we got married, and I knew it was a possibility-- you can never escape the possiblity that anyone you marry is using you, it's always there, no matter who they are. Some RW would say that about any RM because they have come to the conclusion that they're all

if they haven't been married to a RW and sober from the age of 20.

However, six years later (yesterday was our 6th anniversary), we have outlasted many marriages of various combinations. Only you can know whether he really cares and only you can listen to your best instincts on this one (that's what I did, because I already knew what everyone else would say about the appearance of the situation). Don't let anyone else's standards about what he should or shouldn't be doing affect your decision.

Posted by: Bani

Once again Vyesna thank you for your great insight! Your advice is very helpful.

Posted by: neil277

Hello Bani,

First i think you are little unfair about this man and the card he sent you was just right perhaps flowers was a little expensive for this guy.

Bani i feel this guy treats you very nice and cares for you but you both have come from different backgrounds and culture is one problem, you both have different pay structures, this guy is showing you his care by cooking at home for you if you would like to go to restaurant i am sorry but you will have to pay.

First do you like this guy?

Would you like to marry this guy and start a family? and Bani the Russian man will never let the Russian lady take control this is there way its not bad but there way of thinking.

My friend told me Neil never let the Russian woman take control of a relationship you will regret it, as i found out.

Do much talking and if you feel you are right stand your ground and be strong but dont spoil relationship.

Dont brush things under the carpet face them full on.

Regards,

Neil

Posted by: Bani

thanks for your response. I love this guy and I'm starting to see many other things he does to show he loves too. Sometimes we can get wrapped up into the ideal way a man is supposed to act and show he cares. I was taking the advice of some women in my family who was influencing my thoughts. The fact that we come from two different cultures is something I've learned to keep in mind. He does plenty of other things that will make me happy for many many years.

So, I'm keeping this one..... and will no longer pay attention to my female relatives who have been wined and dined and left behind by the men who showered them with gifts;0)

Thanks again everyone for the responses!

Posted by: neil277

Hello Bani,

I wish you luck, happiness and be strong and make this relationship work, this is your life and your future husbands life, so be happy.

Regards,

Neil

Posted by: Blackman

Quote:

Originally posted by Bani
Yes, this is what I fear. I was hoping for it to be a cultural thing. My friends say that I shouldn't tell him anything because of course he would be simply doing it to please me and it wouldn't be from the heart. Thanks for the imput! About dropping you a line... thanks for the offer it was cute..

Yeah but he isn't a mind reader either. Kills me that women just expect us men to know what to do and how to act with no knowledge of it. And no he shouldn't "just know". Men want things different from what men want and I am sure you would appreciate him telling you what he wants so you could try to give it to him rather than him expecting you to read his mind.

Posted by: Bani

<--Man

<--woman

Yes, I agree! I have recently told him and he's changed. There is no doubt that it is only fair to let someone know what you like and don't like.

Thanks for your reply,

Bani

Posted by: Blackman

LOL Good job Bani. Thats all we need sometimes is a clue or two and we operate just fine. Heck you don't even have to read our operating manual!!

Posted by: Jim_FL

Hey Blackman!
Nice to see you here as well

(Jetrim)

Posted by: Blackman

Just checkin it out Jim.

Posted by: parasionok

Lots of bad and good things were said about Russian guys. I just want to add something here that maybe could be helpful to break a stereotype of a Russian guy as being an alcoholic, unfaithfu bastard, vicious pig.

What I think about it is that guys are guys. No matter where they were born, we, women, cannot live without them. I had been working with americans, europeans, russians, ukrainians. I want to tell you my latest experience of meeting with wonderful russian and ukranian guys, I met my boys long time agom when I was doing business for the americans and they were my customers. I knew them professionally at first. They never left me when I had some difficulties (when I no longer could bring them any business), but my other american partners did. They were there for me, worried about me, concerned. Then I met them in October in Ukraine, I saw how highly they valued their famlies, their partners. I just want people who might have any prejudices about how bad the russian or ukrainian guys are to know it is not true... There are wonderful people, guys I met both in Russian and Ukraine. They are good husbands, loving fathers, reliable business partners. I saw as many cheaters in the US as in Russia. I just dont thinik it is right to claim that russian guys are bastards, drunkards, and infidels. People I know are generous, real gentlemen, kind, clever, passionate, what not. If you are coming from America or Europe you would not be considered as a good guy by default. Lots of women expect so many things from you that you are not used to give: open a door before a woman, taking care of her financially, being a gentleman, being a MAN.

Just my opinion. I think that lots of Russian or Ukranian guys are wonderful and lots of europeans or americans can learn from them how to treat a woman! Remeber, we women in Russian are so spoilt by our guys, it will be not that easy for you to compete with them.

Posted by: PrincetonLion

Quote:

Remember, we women in Russia are so spoilt by our guys, it will be not that easy for you to compete with them.

Exactly! This is the idea I am trying to deliver to Western men (so far without success...

)

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally posted by parasionok: I just want people who might have any prejudices about how bad the russian or ukrainian guys are to know it is not true... There are wonderful people, guys I met both in Russian and Ukraine. They are good husbands, loving fathers, reliable business partners. I saw as many cheaters in the US as in Russia. I just dont thinik it is right to claim that russian guys are bastards, drunkards, and infidels. People I know are generous, real gentlemen, kind, clever, passionate, what not. If you are coming from America or Europe you would not be considered as a good guy by default. Lots of women expect so many things from you that you are not used to give: open a door before a woman, taking care of her financially, being a gentleman, being a MAN.

No--- we are used to doing such things for women here.

Its the America I grew up in & live in. Neither are european women considered to be polite & interesting by default. American men certainly expect 1 thing from women of any nationality- polite behavior- being a LADY.

Posted by: BradIL

Quote:

Originally posted by PrincetonLion
Exactly! This is the idea I am trying to deliver to Western men (so far without success... )

Why do we read so much to the contrary? Why are so many RW lining up to meet us?

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

Why are so many RW lining up to meet us?

Well, there are many reasons--it's not really such a simple question. First, I think it is a relatively small percentage of RW who are trying to meet a foreign man. The vast majority of RW want to meet and marry a RM. Second, for some (many?) RW who are looking to marry a foreignor, there are certain economic considerations involved....Third, adventure and variety. Fourth, in some places (and age groups) there are simply more women than men and there just aren't enough RM to go around.

On the whole (and based only on my experience), I would agree that many RM are more, shall we say, gallant than AM.