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Asking the wrong questions...
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Posted by: matt235

OK, seems I stick my foot in my mouth from time to time, but I'm not sure if this is the case or if I just breached a taboo subject. As I have began to know a few of the ladies that I have narrowed down as possibly "the one", I have started asking a few questions that I have yet to get an answer about yet. In fact, since I have asked them, I haven't gotten a response at all from them. I'm wondering if I am really screwing up here, and thus I am submitting myself once again to the Council of the Wise One's.

Here are the questions that I have asked them (in order I might add)

1. Do you smoke? I even go so far as explaining that there might be a difference in our culture's definition of smoking. I have told each of them that I do not smoke, but I did not say that they must not be a smoker.
2. Do you drink? Once again, I explain some cultural differneces and tell her the amount that I drink (truly a social drinker in America--a couple of drinks every 2 or 3 weeks and at celebrations/weddings, but never, ever at home.)
3. Do you have any tattoos? (I think this might be the problem question). I also explain that I understand it is consider marks from prison in the FSU, but it is also being seen as a trend starting to take off there as well. We in the states are hopefully at the end of this crazy hip-hop, tattoo infested period of time in which virtually every female between 18 and 35 have to have a tramp stamp and/or an ankle tattoo. I have told her that I do not have any tattoos. But once again, like the smoking, I did not say that it was a deal breaker.
4. I have asked her if she had thought about living in the US and what she thought of family. I feel that these two questions are normal and I do not believe that she would take any offense to this one.

I really feel that the tattoo question is what I am seeing as the problem, but I would really like to know before I get totally involve with some lady and travel to meet her if she has 8 tattoos covering her body or not. I do not want to meet/date/marry/have children with someone that has tattoos.

I realize that there is some significant opinions regarding tattoos here at RMP. I am not asking to debate the tattoo issue in the states. I am just asking if anyone thinks that my questions are inappropriate.

As always, you guys (and gals) are great and I will always appreciate your input.

later,

Posted by: GoingToRussia

Hmmm, I've had women balk at the child question but never any of the other questions. I wouldn't ask all the questions all at once. Former Soviet people usually don't like "spilling their guts". It has been my experience that FSU women tend to be misterious and want to have a like control over what they say. If they don't answer a question like, "do you smoke", then odds are they do smoke.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoingToRussia

Hmmm, I've had women balk at the child question but never any of the other questions. I wouldn't ask all the questions all at once. Former Soviet people usually don't like "spilling their guts". It has been my experience that FSU women tend to be misterious and want to have a like control over what they say. If they don't answer a question like, "do you smoke", then odds are they do smoke.

GTR,

Good point about not asking all at once. I guess it can be a bit overwhelming. Let's see what happens, if any of them respond to the questions. I'm sure I will have some future correspondence with other ladies so I will have to tone down the interrogation!!

Also, it makes sense that if she doesn't answer the questions...

thanks,

Posted by: blucatz

I don't think your tatoo question is a problem at all. No, its not common yet over there for women to have tats, but it seems its very socially accepted on a man now. My lady loves my 2 tats, but she will never get one herself. Still trying to get her to get a belly button ring tho, I do like them.

Posted by: freebird

Matt, it's a reasonable question, but it may be difficult to get a straight answer.

She might wonder if you think she is a "party girl", or perhaps she might interpret the question to be that YOU want HER to get one.

What agency are you using?

If you use a smaller local agency {like cindy's} and are a good customer, you might try to ask the manager, perhaps she could tactfully mention it.

I used Elena's, I didn't find "the one" through her agency, but I found her book to be a good buy {$25 if you sign up for a package too} It had alot of good information about writing letters and about how Russian girls think.

Again, if you make alot of contacts at the start {25 - 30} then you might get 10 - 15 positives. If you find that 5 - 8 of them are reluctant to answer questions, I would move on.

Don't hit her with a 20 question survey in your first letter as GTR said, but try a few at a time.

Remember that the girls are all in this game to find someone, so they understand that an exchange of information is part of the deal

Posted by: goforit

My own personal approach is to ask a series of 10 questions usually with the third or or fourth email, translated into her own language. 5 of those 10 questions are deal breakers, but of course the woman doesn't know this and nothing is phrased in such a way that she would suspect anything. I'm just trying to get know her better and see if this thing has legs.

The reason I do this is my first letter, after she has shown some interest, is long and comprehensive, and she has a good idea what life would be like with me. She also knows what is important to me but it is all written in an interesting and conversational way.

Nearly everyone I have sent it to has been very excited and thanked me profusely for the detailed and interesting letter. Quite a few return the favor but many do not, preferring to be asked questions rather than try to duplicate what I did.

Most have answered readily and it has been very helpful, keeping me from spending a lot of time with and/or getting emotionally caught up with a woman who as far as the basics go is not on the same page with me.

The key is to keep it relaxed and conversational, not like you are a lawyer looking for a way to disqualify her. If its sounds sincere and is low key, she most likely will answer.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by goforit

5 of those 10 questions are deal breakers, but of course the woman doesn't know this and nothing is phrased in such a way that she would suspect anything. I'm just trying to get know her better and see if this thing has legs.

Would you mind telling me what those "deal breakers" are? You can send them via email if you want, I definately understand. I'm not sure if they are the same ones that I have mentioned (namely the smoking and tattoos), but there might be more. If you do not want to send them I fully understand that as well.

And thanks for the other input as well.

later,

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

Matt, it's a reasonable question, but it may be difficult to get a straight answer.

She might wonder if you think she is a "party girl", or perhaps she might interpret the question to be that YOU want HER to get one.

What agency are you using?

If you use a smaller local agency {like cindy's} and are a good customer, you might try to ask the manager, perhaps she could tactfully mention it.

I used Elena's, I didn't find "the one" through her agency, but I found her book to be a good buy {$25 if you sign up for a package too} It had alot of good information about writing letters and about how Russian girls think.

Again, if you make alot of contacts at the start {25 - 30} then you might get 10 - 15 positives. If you find that 5 - 8 of them are reluctant to answer questions, I would move on.

Don't hit her with a 20 question survey in your first letter as GTR said, but try a few at a time.

Remember that the girls are all in this game to find someone, so they understand that an exchange of information is part of the deal

freebird,

I'm not using an agency as of yet. These ladies that I have been talking too came directly from freepersonal*ru. I have contacted Kherson Girls recently about some possibilities there as well. I have been trying to avoid the 20 question game...just hitting her with about 3 or 4 questions in an email and worded so as to be part of the context. I also try to explain my situation/opinion/answer to each of the questions along the way (with the exception of the smoking question). I don't think I am going to run into any full blown hard core drinkers so I'm ok with that question. If she has a tattoo, it will be obvious eventually so there is no need in hiding the fact today. The smoking though will be more suspect in my opinion...she can always think she is going to quit.

Actually, I bought Elana's book about 3 years ago, maybe I should go back and reread it.

Thanks again,

later,

Posted by: freebird

Quote:

Originally Posted by matt235

Would you mind telling me what those "deal breakers" are?

For me smoking, tattoos, kids and attitude fit that category.

A single small non-conspicuous tattoo might be OK, but anything more would be a no-go. Besides, if she had a tattoo, she might want another later - it's a free country so I could hardly forbid it....

I don't have kids, I expected that she wouldn't either.

As for "Attitude" if she thought a man was going to come to take her away to start a life of luxury, well that just wouldn't fit.

Many girls over there do not understand about the higher expences that go with much higher incomes. Many don't understand about morgages, taxes, insurance etc

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

Wow.... a number of my deal breakers... more later...

TO OP.... I do not think ANY of the questions are bad... I asked them all at one point and time to the ladies I wrote... Just don't put a whole lot of explanations on them... like I said "I do not smoke and do not want to be with someone who does... do you smoke?".... some did and that was that... one lied, but found out later... but most are honest...

But my deal breakers were smoking, drinking a lot (think going to the disco), tats... to me it represents an 'attitude' that I do not wish to deal with... sorry Blu... kids were not a deal breaker, but wanting MORE kids was... and like Freebird said.... someone who is expecting to be taken care of...

Posted by: dagpop

It's ok once you know here to ask about things. I would not drill her on the first letter you send. I did not see women with tatoos, when I was Uzbekistan. I don't know about Russia.

Posted by: freebird

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

TP seems like we had similar ideas, except that I WANTED someone who wanted kids but didn't have already.

Another Red Flag for me was to avoid a "Fashionista" {my word creation!}
I became very wary of girls who worked as "model" or clothing design. Like Blucatz posted, I am a casual guy, I don't like dressing like "GQ" every time I go out. Jeans & polo shirt at the park, beach or BBQ is just fine for me. I met one girl who was very fashion consious, she expected me to go there and buy a whole new wardrobe, {and for her too!} and was displeased with my fashion sense. I realized that if I chose that girl it would be a constant conflict about my wardrobe. {and hers!} Not that I am scruffy or anything, I just prefer casual & relaxed - in both clothes & life!

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

I fall into the same category as you do. I have dated a girl here locally in Houston, but she was Persian (from Iran). All she wanted to do was burn my clothes and buy new "fashionable" ones for me. She would go to the local fashion shows (one's I didn't even know existed in Houston) and was upset that I drove a pickup instead of a BMW and my pickup was a 2006 Toyota Tundra, basically brand new and nice. What I can say from that experience is that she did teach me how to dress a little better (I needed a little tweeking) and that I did not want to be with a slave to fashion...or as you call it a "Fashionista".

I am not sure how you would go about asking a lady this question though. I guess you would have to spend some time discussing the topic as each persons perspective is very different. I have looked at the clothes each lady is wearing in her pictures. It helps me get and idea of their "style" which in turn leads to their fashion sense. From there I can determine their devotion to fashion.

I'll have to think about this one.

later,

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

Actually, I kind of like your more direct approach. After reading what you said, I am wondering if maybe I am putting too much into the question (and subsequent explaination).

Regarding the kids thing, it is like the rest of the questions, kind of personal desire. I am in the same boat as freebird, I would like the lady to WANT to have kids. However, I'm like in you the regards that I do not care if she has children already. I am pretty particular about the children that she has if that is the case. I do not really want to have her bring a son over her that is over 5 years old nor a daughter that is over 10. From what I have read and my gut feeling, I suspect children over those gender/age combos would lead to some problems.

I am 42 years old and have been talking with ladies between 24 and 32 and more specifically 28 & 29. Some may think that I am looking at ladies that are a bit too young for me, however, that is the same age range of the American women that I date now (I just walked in the door from a date with a 24 year old). Because of this, I suspect that there is the possibility that the lady may or may not have children. But the most important thing for me is that she wants to create a family with me (I have no children...that I know of!)

Thanks for you input and I'm really going to rethink the depth of my descriptions.

later,

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

Yes, I have heard that "once you get some ink, you want some more ink". For me it is no tattoos and no desire for a tattoo or it is nothing. The beauty of being me is that I can decide what I will and will not accept in "the one".

Attitude is a tough one, especially in an email or letter. Gets a little easier on the phone to detect, but nothing like being in person. This is where the whole chemistry thing comes into play. But you are right, the 'tude has to jive with mine.

Dealing with the education of finances for the RW is something that we all will deal with in our own ways, but you are right, from what I have seen they just do not understand our financial ways. It is something that we have engrained into us from birth, just as theirs is engrained from birth. We are dealing with different cultures and change takes time to accept.

Thanks.

later,

Posted by: freebird

Quote:

Originally Posted by matt235

I did not want to be with a slave to fashion...or as you call it a "Fashionista".

I am not sure how you would go about asking a lady this question though. I guess you would have to spend some time discussing the topic as each persons perspective is very different. I have looked at the clothes each lady is wearing in her pictures. It helps me get and idea of their "style" which in turn leads to their fashion sense. From there I can determine their devotion to fashion.

I'll have to think about this one.

You figured that one out Matt, the photo's can tell you alot. I also tended to avoid the ones who had lots of jewellery or makeup in their pictures for this reason. But I'm afraid that finding out that she is a "Fashionista" might not be until you go to meet her.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

And actually it may take more than just a few days to figure this out. Regarding jewelery and makeup, well, I'm not a big fan of either one and as such, it actually becomes a turn off for me. Ladies, do not understand this concept, but natural beauty comes way before bought beauty.

later,

p.s. are you in Ukraine/Russia right now or in Canada?

Posted by: freebird

Quote:

Originally Posted by matt235

p.s. are you in Ukraine/Russia right now or in Canada?

Got back to Canada 3 weeks ago.

Posted by: Pin Boy

very, very few women here have tattoos, and those that i have seen were small. thank god!!!

Posted by: freebird

True enough. The tattoo would not be as big a deal as "attitude", if she is not compatible this would be the biggest problem

Posted by: Spakoyna

Fashion and FSU women go hand in hand! I do not believe you will find many FSU women that are not fashion consious. Some may push their ideals more on you than others, but you will have to deal with fashion a bit!

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

Nice to know.... but I kind of did get a Fashionista.... she is an artist and had been a clothes designer.... but she is fine with my casual clothes... and I am MORE casual than you... I wear SHORTS everywhere I go.... (I am in Houston also...and it is HOT and STICKEY)....

Once she is here... she will see how hot it is and I am sure will change some... but she never did get upset except for the clothes that had holes in them.... that seems to show a sign of being poor... and she did not like that... she would sew them up when I was not looking... but did not say much about them...

Posted by: GoingToRussia

Well I was like you guys with the kids, didn't want any or if she had them they were on their own. When I met my future wife, she had a 20 year old son. I met him with dreaded antisipation but he is a great guy and now a good friend. We have a lot in common and we both want him with us in the USA.

So if you meet a great girl, she just might have great kids. Don't count her out because she has kids.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

Got back to Canada 3 weeks ago.

I guess we were both burning the midnight oil last night!

Welcome home.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

I wear SHORTS everywhere I go.... (I am in Houston also...and it is HOT and STICKEY)....

Once she is here... she will see how hot it is and I am sure will change some...

This has been something that I have been wondering about for a little while. Our climate in Houston is difficult for people from Austin to deal with, so I'm sure it will be an eye opener for ladies from the FSU. I figure that with my luck, when I finally get my special someone over here, it will be in either July or August...quite the welcome party I'm sure.

later,

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pin Boy

very, very few women here have tattoos, and those that i have seen were small. thank god!!!

This is very good to hear. I will go on the hope that she does not fall into that small percentage that do!!

Thanks,

Posted by: freebird

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spakoyna

Fashion and FSU women go hand in hand! I do not believe you will find many FSU women that are not fashion consious. Some may push their ideals more on you than others, but you will have to deal with fashion a bit!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

Nice to know.... but I kind of did get a Fashionista.... she is an artist and had been a clothes designer.... but she is fine with my casual clothes... and I am MORE casual than you... I wear SHORTS everywhere I go.... (I am in Houston also...and it is HOT and STICKEY)....

Once she is here... she will see how hot it is and I am sure will change some... but she never did get upset except for the clothes that had holes in them.... that seems to show a sign of being poor... and she did not like that... she would sew them up when I was not looking... but did not say much about them...

Sounds reasonable TP, is she is fine with your style it's OK

Julie does not obsess over fashion either, she was fine with my shorts at Yalta, and would be the same here in the hot weather

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

All girls there are fashion consious of course, I meant "Fashionista" as fashion obsessed, needing to buy lots of clothes every month, unhappy with your style and wanting you to keep buying new clothes to look like GQ

Sounds reasonable TP, is she is fine with your style it's OK

Julie does not obsess over fashion either, she was fine with my shorts at Yalta, and would be the same here in the hot weather

Well, at least on this point she is a keeper!!!

Posted by: freebird

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

Well, at least on this point she is a keeper!!!

I hope so, she already has a ring on her finger!

Posted by: blucatz

Quote:

Originally Posted by matt235

I figure that with my luck, when I finally get my special someone over here, it will be in either July or August...quite the welcome party I'm sure.

later,

Nah, your luck might be that she is from Vladivostok or someplace in northern Siberia and come to Houston in July or August. She might be running back to the plane......LOL

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by blucatz

Nah, your luck might be that she is from Vladivostok or someplace in northern Siberia and come to Houston in July or August. She might be running back to the plane......LOL

OK, three words for you...

ONE WAY TICKET!!!!!

She will have to deal with the heat like the rest of us.

later,

p.s. I actually know a couple from Siberia (man and woman, he works for NASA in some capacity) living here in Houston. Anyway, they both love the heat and feel that they are in heaven. (personally, I think it is hell, but goes to show you what I know!)

Posted by: Dave1

As far as asking questions, I believe that getting the deal-breakers out of the way in the first few emails is the way to go. The women that are serious don't want to waste time with someone who is not compatible any more than you do. If I recall right, freepersonals.ru allows you to specify smoking, drinking, religion, children, among other things in your search criteria. I have found that if I ask too many questions in one email, they don't all get answered. I have done this myself-- a woman asks many questions and I miss one, and the woman writes back and reminds me that I didn't answer her question about______. Also, if your letters are too long, they tend to get skimmed. It is also possible that the women don't write back when you ask about tattoos because you are wording your tattoo question in a way that makes the woman think you are looking for someone with a tattoo.

Posted by: matt235

OK, everyone here is my recap of what I think we concluded from this thread.

1. Smoking. She is probably a smoker due to the large number of smokers there. She may quit for me, might lie to me, but I will never know until I actually meet her in person.

2. Drinking. Pretty much as expected. I am guessing that a good number of the ladies are trying to "escape" the alcohol in FSU, so them being a big drinker is probably not the case.

3. Tattoos. Still a possibility, but rather unlikely...at least yet. I'm guessing a few more years and we might start to see the US trend taking off in the FSU.

4. Family/Kids. Everyone has their own opinion on this subject that is mostly related to their current situation. Very understandable.

5. Fashion (bonus question). Watch out for the fashion police in the FSU. Most of us guys here fall into the American Casual category, most FSU women fall into the FSU Fashionable category. Just try to find one that is not a slave to fashion and doesn't try to make me one either.

6. Don't go into the 20 question game in each letter, keep it reasonable. Also, keep the questions simple and without a bunch of explanation as to why I am asking it.

I may have missed a minor point or two along the way, but I think this pretty much sums it up...for now. Dynamic, this place is.

later,

Posted by: dagpop

Matt this is your perfect mate. An alcoholic that smokes a pack a day. She
has 8 kids and has a nose ring and plugs. She's not into fashions, but she needs the extra money to find clothes that fit.

Here are some finalist

Posted by: stevo

Sorry, dagpop, I have to put you on "ignore" as well now.