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Asking about friends
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Posted by: Buckeye1

Hey guys and gals...

Is there an easy way to ask if a "friend" of the girl you are corresponding to is male or female? I have been corresponding with a girl from Belarus for a little over a year and a half. I have been there twice now. We are taking things slow. We both believe in developing the friendship first. She is very old fashioned in values. She has mentioned friends before but the last couple of times she has mentioned doing a couple things with her "friend". She has used the term girlfriends before but not on the last couple times. The one time she went with her friend to lunch and the last time we talked she had a picnic with her friend to celebrate a professional day (she is a dentist).

Maybe I am being just a little paranoid and worrying over nothing. She has always been honest with me and is not afraid to be harshly honest with me. Even though we are taking things slow, I still send flowers and do other things of romantic nature...I also sent her flowers to her mom on mothers day thanking her for having such a wonderful daughter and complimenting her to her mom in the card sent with the flowers. I honestly believe if she had any problem in our friendship but me still showing my affection for her as more than a friend, she is the type of person that would tell me.

I would appreciate any help...I really dont want to ask her if the friend she refers to is male or female...I dont want to throw any mistrust into the relationship...if you need any more information...please feel free to ask!

Buckeye1

p.s. and maybe it is a male friend that she just has no interest in other than friendship or maybe it is just a colleague at work...as I said I honestly believe she would have told me by now if there was more to this "friend" than friendship or its a girlfriend that she just doesnt isnt saying girl in front of...is it possible that is a cultural difference or possibly because we have been corresponding for so long?

p.p.s also in the whole time we have been corresponding she has never mentioned any male friends of hers except guys that are married to girlfriends of hers...and both trips I was never introduced to any male friends, only girlfriends and one married couple friend besides family. In her defense I have never asked her if she had any male friends.

Posted by: Chrismc

If you have been corresponding for a year, just ask her outright, surly you know her well enough by now

If not just ask, what does your friend do for a job, try and get her to open up, when she tells, you, if she doesn't mention male/female, just say how does she like her job, or an other loaded question

assume she is a female and let her put you right.

If you ask the right questions, you will get the answer you want without being obvious.

Posted by: clark

Buckeye1

I would say your best course of action is to ask her outright and upfront is this a male or female friend. If it is male you may also want to ask how it is they became friends. If her and your friendship (as you describe it) is of a completely romantic nature, you deserve to know all about her friends and she about yours. What tact to use would be your call. But the friendship thing after 2 visits and a year and a half, throws up some other possible scenarios / obstacles.

It is not my intention to offend or alarm you but if you've read any of my posts you are aware I am not known for sugar coating anything.

A year and a half is much too long to be just friends if you are considering or discussing lifetime commitments. Time is not the complete essence here but it is important and possibly much more important to her than she has verbalized to you. How long do you realistically expect her to lay in wait on you as a friend? I only bring this up as a warning that she could be telling you, but you may not be receiving. Just something to think about.

Posted by: clark

Quote:

Originally Posted by clark

Buckeye1

It is not my intention to offend or alarm you but if you've read any of my posts you are aware I am not known for sugar coating anything.:

Wow! That is so true it looks like a good tag

Posted by: Buckeye1

Quote:

Originally Posted by clark

Buckeye1
A year and a half is much too long to be just friends if you are considering or discussing lifetime commitments. Time is not the complete essence here but it is important and possibly much more important to her than she has verbalized to you. How long do you realistically expect her to lay in wait on you as a friend? I only bring this up as a warning that she could be telling you, but you may not be receiving. Just something to think about.

Actually, she is the one that suggested we slow things down after my last visit. She felt I was trying to take things too quickly and wanted us to take the time to get to know each other better. Her English is very broken and because of the demands of her job she has not been able to take any decent English lessons. We talk on the phone about 2-3 times each week as well as IM and email each other. In a sense, we are teaching each other Russian and English. I have been using the Pimsleur CDs on my own (I know there are some out there that dont care for Pimsleur but for me..they work great) and we are learning how to communicate with each other better...

I know some people on here would say its going nowhere but IMHO everyones situation is completely different. I will admit its difficult at times but we correspond frequently enough and to be honest, its the quality time we have versus the quantity...I am planning on going back in September or October...she wanted to visit here in the Summer, unfortunately the US and Belarusian govts are not playing nice with each other for ANY visas to be issued....

Posted by: blucatz

Buckeye1, first welcome, looks like I only live about 20 miles north of you if you are in Columbus. Second, a year in a half? You said she is sometimes harshly honest with you, maybe you should be the same to her. Voice your concerns with her, but do it with a little tack. Just my 2 rubles worth, which aint much....LOL

Posted by: Buckeye5704

Hey, whaddaya know! Two BuckeyeXXXXs!

Welcome! Like the others said, just ask. My lady has some male friends and they are ONLY friends. I was a little concerned at first and even over reacted to the whole thing at one point, but I am very confident in our relationship and that she is 100% my girl. Sometimes friends are just that.

I think we have an excellant chance to beat UM this year (again).

Posted by: blucatz

Are you still considered a buckeye if you don't live here anymore?

Posted by: Buckeye5704

I still bleed Scarlet & Grey! I still concider Scarlet & Grey to be ONE color! I'll ALWAYS be a Buckeye!

Posted by: Texas Proud

Buckyeye....

Take things at your speed.... but also I would say listen to your gut... are you 'moving forward' or are you stagnant? If you are going to go visit her, you might have a real heart to heart with her about your feelings and ask for her feelings.... you don't want to get in a relationship like IIRC Royal.... where she justs wants to be friends and you are spending time and money with her and it will never get past the current place...

As for her friend, ask... You can ask.. what is HER name? Did I meet HER? Then she will have to either tell you the truth that it might be a male or you find out she is a female.... or she lies...

One last question... WHY does she want to go slow? I think this is a valid question to ask..

Finally.... good luck with her if she is the one you want... only you know this...

Posted by: matt235

Buckeye,

Welcome! OK, so I have to put my thoughts out there for you. Have you guys ever discussed a point when things will change from this long term, long distance relationship to something beyond that point? And just to point out what Texas Proud has said, ask for the name of the friend.

Now let's suppose she tells you that her friend is a guy, have you thought out what you expect from that point forward, what you might ask her, what your initial reaction will be?

I wish you the best in this,

Posted by: BO_4u2

Buckeye1

Did you ever ask her, if she was willing to leave her country, if she found love.
On my trip to Ukraine, I met women that were professionals, and have good paying jobs, they had no intentions leaving their country, but they where looking for a foreign husband, to marry them, and stay .(unless you are planning to do that).
Some women look for a man that is persistent, in other words she wants to make sure that your intentions are true, and that you are not just playing her.
Now, a year 1/2 plus two visits, your intentions seems very true. Next I would look at any changes or different patterns from her, for example does she write and talks to you with the same enthusiasm as a year 1/2 ago ?
You mention you are going back in September, if you are!, I will be asking her some serious questions, about your relationship with her, and perhaps taking it to the next level. I always like to be positive, but you can't be naive either.
In any case I don't want to scare you or put bad toughs in your head, you take the good and the bad and make your own judgement. I wish you luck .
Bo.

Posted by: Raspberry

The way the US economy is going, the idea of retiring in Ukraine sounds more and more attractive.

Posted by: Buckeye5704

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raspberry

The way the US economy is going, the idea of retiring in Ukraine sounds more and more attractive.

You got THAT right Raz! I'm trying to convince Irina that we can live much nicer there.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raspberry

The way the US economy is going, the idea of retiring in Ukraine sounds more and more attractive.

Very true. I have been thinking about retiring in either Europe (ideally Spain) or South America (Argentian), however, Ukraine could be a very solid 3rd option to consider right now!

Posted by: clark

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buckeye1

Actually, she is the one that suggested we slow things down after my last visit. She felt I was trying to take things too quickly and wanted us to take the time to get to know each other better. Her English is very broken and because of the demands of her job she has not been able to take any decent English lessons. We talk on the phone about 2-3 times each week as well as IM and email each other. In a sense, we are teaching each other Russian and English. I have been using the Pimsleur CDs on my own (I know there are some out there that dont care for Pimsleur but for me..they work great) and we are learning how to communicate with each other better...

I know some people on here would say its going nowhere but IMHO everyones situation is completely different. I will admit its difficult at times but we correspond frequently enough and to be honest, it's the quality time we have versus the quantity...I am planning on going back in September or October...she wanted to visit here in the Summer, unfortunately the US and Belarusian govts are not playing nice with each other for ANY visas to be issued....

Buckeye1...... From the tone of your question you seem genuinely concerned that she maybe losing interest or possibly stepping out with another. Either or both could be true or both could be not. Only you can judge and discern that. As a man there are only two things about women we know, they're not us and we can't figure them out. Women no matter where they are from, have a tendency to tell us one thing when they mean something else.

I'm not saying this is your lady but her chromosomes certainly make it possible. It does sound as if you need to have another heart to heart talk with her though. Taking it slow is admirable but in a international long distance relationship it isn't entirely feasible to be too slow. We just simply do not have the luxuries in this pursuit as we do dating the local ladies.

Belarus is a very difficult situation and may not change anytime in the near future. I would encourage you to have some serious discussions with her about your futures. Just for the reason that if a future is not possible, at least you'll know sooner rather than later.

Good Luck

Posted by: blucatz

Quote:

Originally Posted by clark

As a man there are only two things about women we know, they're not us and we can't figure them out. Women no matter where they are from, have a tendency to tell us one thing when they mean something else.

I don't think I have read a more true statement anywhere on this forum. There needs to be a smily showing hitting the nail on the head.

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by clark

Buckeye1As a man there are only two things about women we know, they're not us and we can't figure them out. Women no matter where they are from, have a tendency to tell us one thing when they mean something else.

Kudos, Bravo Zulu, Cheers to you!!!! As blucatz said, you hit the nail on the head with that one.

Posted by: Buckeye5704

Quote:

As a man there are only two things about women we know, they're not us and we can't figure them out.

Well I hope you don't mind me stealing this one.

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raspberry

The way the US economy is going, the idea of retiring in Ukraine sounds more and more attractive.

Sounds great.... but not practical..... first, our dollar has already dropped big time vs other currencies.... second... their inflation is a lot higher than ours... their economy is not near as good either... (nobody believes it, but we are not even in a recession!!! yet....)

I was looking at New Zealand a fews years back... when it was something like 40 cents NZ to the US$... now I think it is over 80 cents... (l just checked... 76 cents).... but was 80...

I wanted to buy a house that was 'cheap' and check out the ladies.... they were in the $200K to $300K NZ.... or $80,000 to $120,000 ....

But, the houses have gone up in NZ$ to $300 to $400K... or now over $200,000 US to $300,000 US.... that takes a big chunk out of your purchasing power....

But, you can dream on if you wish....

Posted by: Buckeye5704

So B1, any news?