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What is your experience?
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Posted by: GoeastLJ

Firstly, I must say it feels good to relax and not to have those anxieties about whether she has responded to the email or not. Two years of searching were good and the experience is invaluable. I hope I won't have to call on this experience again!

This question has been inspired by what Pin Boy said about issues faced by teenage children that accompany their parents when they move west. My stepson is 14 and I can tell you that he is an excellent boy. The contrast between him and my own 14 year old cannot be stacker, the only worry I have is that he is too dependent on his mother. By this, I mean he is slow in making friends and thinks the western boys are too rowdy and have no respect for adults. He thinks teachers give too much freedom to the pupils.

It would be nice to hear from those that have had experiences with teenagers from the FSU. I feel he will not be 'street-wise' and might find it difficult to exert himself when his mother is not there. I try to discourage his mother from choosing clothes for him.

Posted by: clark

Goeast,

I have no experience with this your particular situation but I have raised 4 children. Two of them my own. He's 14. He still has much growing to do. First as a young man and then as an adult. Most of his behavior is based on what he knows and has experienced. After the move his environment will change and most likely so will he. Children, teens and young adults are much more resilient than we older fogies tend to give them credit. He will adapt where he sees he needs to. His street savvy will come, probably not without a few lessons but, isn't that what growing up is all about?

I don't know the kid, you say he is a great one and thats believable. There's no reason to believe he won't continue to be.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

GoEast, from my experience it is a time thing. I don't know how long your boy has been with you but from my experience from 30 years ago to now it will take time for him to adjust. As you can see yourself it is strange to him, "the teachers give to much freedom" is a good example of how he is seeing his new surroundings. Give him time and support, I'm not saying you wont cause I know you will and you are just showing concern for him, and let him find his own pace for adjustment.

Now having said that and recognising I am not in the English education system the one thing I would take special note of is if he is being bullied.

Just as a side note, the English have been head hunting teachers from the former colonies for near on 2 decades now as they cannot get enough English people to work in their schools. We were given an info pack about the working conditions in English schools and I tell you what you would be a brave soul to venture into that system if you were not trained in it already.

Posted by: I/O

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoeastLJ

the only worry I have is that he is too dependent on his mother. By this, I mean he is slow in making friends and thinks the western boys are too rowdy and have no respect for adults. He thinks teachers give too much freedom to the pupils.

GoeastLJ: My step son is much younger, but with about 12 months mostly together now, I suggest the issue you raise of dependence largely goes with the territory. She's been a single mum for how long? He's been in a single parent situation for how long? Patience and talk IMO are your best options. It will take time and to some extent will never change completely.

As to his doubts about locals and local systems, I see that as normal. Different almost always seems wrong in the first instance. Regardless of different systematic approaches of education systems (Which are not the real point of this discussion), if he is a bright child, he will succeed and it is up to you to listen, share, talk about the differences, understand them and guide him through the thinking process of how to get the best out of his surroundings.

One of the very difficult areas is knowing how far to push him because push him you must. The most dangerous thing would be to allow him to withdraw into himself. You and his mother need to be very much of one accord on this. Again, discussion is the best option. His mother has her dreams for her son, you have your dreams for him and he has his own dreams. Seldom in the best of situations do these all entirely concur. For a fair period of time, it is your ideas which will be the first to take a back seat (Never get between a hen and her chicks).

The best advice I've had from the ol' timers on this subject is to keep the conversation flowing. Thus far, those who advised me this way are proving correct time and again. Try to find his hot buttons (Things which interest him) and play to them a little. It might be music, it might be I.T. it might be sport, whatever.........look to get him involved with others of similar interest.

An international marriage is a tough row to hoe, add children to it and you don't simply double the issues, you square them and then some. Good luck.

I/O

Posted by: EasyTarget

My guess is that if he isolationist for too much longer, and keeps his momma's boy ways, he will get a few tough lessons at school. He will get the piss knocked out of him. And either he will be ostracized for the rest of the time he is at school or wise up and crack a few heads.

I would make him play team sports as quickly as possible. Summer football league?

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

The education system is an issue simply because the boy is now in a strange one, to him its strange anyway. Many kids, not just Russians that I have seen but also Sudanese and South Americans, find change like this very confronting and some withdraw into a shell. I know of a few kids who have returned "home" to their grandparents simply because the change was to much for them and these were kids whose parents who were with them both come from the same country as them.

I agree find something he likes, and better yet something you could do with him or you could do as a family.

Pushing a kid into sports may not be the right thing to do, it isn't just sports its the pushing. The one thing you do not want to be seen as is someone who is "pushy" it will be bad enough he will get this from other kids at school, you don't want him to associate your concern (pushing) with the pushing of people he may see as hostile towards him.

I'm sure you know all this, but it does help to get different POVs.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Thank you all very much for all the useful advice. Clark, you are right when you say his behaviour is based on what he knows and has experienced so far, and this includes even food. He has more or less stuck to eating the type of food he knows. Doesn't like vegetables (like most teenagers), but there are a few that he has taken to very well.

I am trying to accommodate his needs without giving the impression that he will get whatever he asks for. He does tell his mum that he feels very comfortable with me but the lack of a common language makes him speak through his mum. I bought him a PS2 when he came, but I learned that he is more at home with PC games and so I bought him a computer.

He has been in England for six months now and he does come from a single parent set-up, I/O. His mum was the total authority in his life and I think this has carried on. I am glad to say that his mother realises that the situation is different now and that she needs to allow him to learn from the man (ME) as well.

I understand ET's point about summer camp, but I lean more towards OZ's thinking of gentle persuasion, while at the same time letting him know that a man's way of persuading may come out rougher than that of a woman. I have asked him to come and play football (soccer to the Americans) in the park but he prefers to pay his PC games.

I have asked him about bullying in school and he says he is ok and has not encountered any.

Excellent support guys - at least I know I am doing some things ok-ish. It is easier to hear from the guys here than to go and look for Parenting Guide from a book shop!

Posted by: Chillidog

GoeastLJ,
I wish I had experience in helping to raise a child of an FSU woman but I do not yet (maybe in the future and will be looking back on this thread for help also) but I do have expierence in raising my own children (twin girls) so I can draw on some similarities.

I would continue to encourge your step-son to become more active in school activites and sports. continue to try to find things he is interested in, whether it is football (thanks for the clarification

) or it might be a Chess club, music anything, and I think more importantly to find things that you and your step-son can do together, whether this be palying one of his PC games with him, or having a family night playing board games at the kitchen table, taking him to a movie he would like to see.
Even though I am probably rougher around the edges then most men, and sometimes have been known to push a little too hard when my girls where growing up with there interests. I agree with OzGuy and you that the gentle persuasion is the best approach especially at such an early stage in this new family dynamic

Posted by: EasyTarget

GoEast: I would say that I wouldn't FORCE him to do anything because at 14 he will do the exact opposite of what you want him to do. But the reason I suggest team sports is to get him AWAY from the family. Sounds strange?

But the rationale is that at 14 he needs to start becoming independent. Give him "some" freedom. Otherwise he is going to be like too many Western children, constantly turning to their parents to solve their problems.

You don't want him to be 24, sitting at home, no job, and having mommy still fold his underwear.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Chilli, thanks for your advice. He loved Monopoly, but only if he won! I was always too good for him, but I let him win sometimes as he was new at it. The PC games, though, have taken much of time and I am abit worried that he spends too much time on it. No more board games. So far I have managed to persuade him to eat at a dining table rather than at the computer table. I am no good at these games.

Thanks ET - isn't the slow growing up more prevalent in the East? I see people living with their parents well into their 30s. The mom knows my views on her folding his underwear. I said we have to give him targets - at 15 must wash own clothes and make own breakfast, at 16 must...

Posted by: JohnnyLaRue

If he really enjoys PC games I would find ways to promote it better. You would think there are other PC gamers around the area he can converse with? Most hang out at the local gamestore in my area. The gamestore also has tournaments on the weekend where you can drop off the kid for the afternoon. He will meet other kids with similar interests.

The local community college in my area has a gamers night on Fridays where they all socialize and are able to use the college PCs and Big screen TVs to play games. The same college also has classes in video game design as well open to high schoolers.

Lastly you mentioned he has a PS2. There is a GREAT game called RPG maker where he has to create an entire video game. The game gives you the bare bones and you create characters, villians, dungeons, weapons, missions,..etc. He would be using critical thinking skills, creativity, language and actually creating something. Perhaps both of you could create the game together?

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

IMHO kids get to rapped up in video games, much like adults do with forums actually, kidding. Giving him more things to sit in his room on hos own without interacting with real people isn't good. Setting him up to play in tournaments when you yourself don't understand, and probably never will either, the social dynamic of the places that hold them also isn't good.

I think he needs to see the real world, but how you go about getting him to interact with the real world may be harder than you think.

Posted by: Spakoyna

I'll 2nd that! I remember when video games 1st came out. I loved playing old pinball. I told myself for those very reasons and the fact that ya couldn't play for hours on a quarter

that I would never play em! Well I pretty much held the course and the games have evolved into an all time consuming addiction for some. I have a friend that if he has the time will hole up for a week sometimes playing onna those online games. He attends conventions for the game once or twice a year. Geeze!

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzGuyLooking

IMHO kids get to rapped up in video games, much like adults do with forums actually, kidding. Giving him more things to sit in his room on hos own without interacting with real people isn't good. Setting him up to play in tournaments when you yourself don't understand, and probably never will either, the social dynamic of the places that hold them also isn't good.

I think he needs to see the real world, but how you go about getting him to interact with the real world may be harder than you think.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzGuyLooking

Exactly what I think. I am PC literate myself (I am typing this

), but I am not a gamer. Too much of everything is bad, IMHO. The gaming etc are not an issue - the issue is about being sociable. Leaving kids to play games all day is too easy an excuse. I am not sure parenting is that easy.

It does work as long as it is not the only thing in life.

Posted by: matt235

Goeast,

Just a question first. How is he doing in school? You said that his mother has to translate between the two of you (unless I misread that). If that is the case, what type of school is he in and how is he getting the information across to him? Is he not getting involved in a social circle because of the lack of communications with other kids? OK, so that is more than just one question, but those are some that I have been thinking about lately if I were to find "insta-family" (RW with children). I live in Houston, Texas and there are many schools that are what we consider bi-lingual, but that is English and Spanish (sorry--American English) not English and Russian. I do not know what will happen if the insta-family becomes reality for me. It is just some thoughts.

Good luck.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Thanks for your comments, Matt.

Because of the deficiency in English, he started in a class 1 year below that for his age (Year 8 instead of Year 9). The school he is in has experience handling non-English speaking children and there is a Teacher dedicated to teaching extra English after school. He gets an hour of extra English each day and he is sometimes advised to skip some lessons and go for English lessons where Teachers feel appropriate. Maths is way below his capabilities and he walks it, but other subjects are a challenge as they are based on understanding of the language.

I help him with his English Homework, but I see that he is not very interested - he wants to get it over with quickly so that he can play the computer games. He is a smart boy, but he is not interested - he has set his ambitions very low, but I am trying to convince him that there are possibilities here and he can more or less do whatever he wants when he grows up. I think he can get into a majority of the Universities here if he changes his current mindset (I won't push him).

The problem I see is that he lacks confidence and he still has not made a single friend after being here for nearly 7 months. This is a big worry for me because I don't think that it is solely due to his lack of English. I took him to a Car Boot Sale (these are very big in the UK) the Sunday before last and I couldn't believe how liberated and happy he looked. He absolutely loved the place and buying stuff. We are talking cheap things, but he was like a kid in a sweet shop. We went again last weekend and he wants this to be a permanent Sunday activity.

Posted by: Buckeye5704

Glad to see you two have a common interest you can enjoy together. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it gives you time to bond more. You will both remember these sales fondly years from now. You're making memories, very cool, and priceless.

Reading your last post really made me smile as I could feel the connection you've made with him. Way to go!

Posted by: matt235

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoeastLJ

I took him to a Car Boot Sale (these are very big in the UK) the Sunday before last and I couldn't believe how liberated and happy he looked. He absolutely loved the place and buying stuff. We are talking cheap things, but he was like a kid in a sweet shop. We went again last weekend and he wants this to be a permanent Sunday activity.

I am no expert at these matters and I can only reference a few key experiences, however, I see something that I would work with here. If he likes to buy these things, instead of just letting him buy pretty much what he wants, see if you can work something out where maybe you guys work on a project together (or even with some other kids) to allow him to "upgrade" his purchase. Basically let him earn a little money to get something a little better. Just an idea.

Another one that I have always been a big fan of is youth organizations such as Boy Scouts. Being in the Boy Scouts as a kid did a lot for me in my developmental years. It also created some of the best friendships I could of ever hoped for.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Update:

Just came back from a wonderful break in Yalta. What a beautiful place! I visited this place on my first FSU date and I am glad to say that I find the place bewitching. We flew to Kiev and spent a day there with my inlaws. They then went back home with my step-son while my wife and I took an overnight train to Simferopol.

Aren't these trains wonderful relics! When I see and hear them, they remind me of those IIWW films and this gets even better when you get on them. We purchased what they call the Lux ticket. This is for a cabin with 2 narrow beds - they are really seats that double for beds. The advantage is that they are far much better than the rest because they are private and you can sleep relatively comfortably. The cost from Kiev to Simferopol was 450 Grivena each (USS90.00). A mashutka or mini coach cost only 20 Grivena and takes just over an hour to get to Yalta. We rented an apartment at 315 Grivena per night - a very basic one but sufficed as it was clean and comfortable.

I would recommend this trip to any of you who are looking and feel adventurous. The scenary is breath-taking. When the train stops, you see all these cuties running along the train windows selling anything from fish to water melons. I was wondering all the time how girls as beautiful as these, dressed equally beautifully, found themselves in such remote places selling fish, sweetcorn, peaches, water melons, beer, honey, etc.

Yalta itself was great. It was hot all the 8 days we were there and my wife insisted we spend each and everyone one of those on the beach so that she can get the tan. So we spent about 4 hours each day at the beach. The beach itself was segregated into zones - 20 Grivena for the cheapest and about 140 Grivenas for the most expensive. We settled for the average at 70 Grivenas each. The difference is that the cheapest was very crowded.

Ukraine is the real land of beer. When I go to the beach in the UK, I see a lot of people rushing for ice cream - not at these places. I was especially amazed that people expect beer with their breakfast. There is a lot to see in Yalta - entertainment with all the historical palaces and museums.

This is not a trip report but just an update.

Posted by: Chillidog

Goeast,

how has your step-son doing? has there been improvememts in his adapting to the UK, and his new life? Hoping that your relationship with him, the bonding and finding common interests has been for the best.

Is he coming out of his protective shell, showing interests in things beyond the computer games he has enjoyed?

Glad the wife and you enjoyed your time in Crimea. Never been there myself, actually have never been in the Ukraine, only Russia, but have always read good things about this area and natural beauty from the members who have been there.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chillidog

Goeast,

how has your step-son doing? has there been improvememts in his adapting to the UK, and his new life? Hoping that your relationship with him, the bonding and finding common interests has been for the best.

Is he coming out of his protective shell, showing interests in things beyond the computer games he has enjoyed?

Glad the wife and you enjoyed your time in Crimea. Never been there myself, actually have never been in the Ukraine, only Russia, but have always read good things about this area and natural beauty from the members who have been there.

Hi Chillidog,

Thanks for asking. I hope things work out for you. Difficult to say about my stepson at the moment. He really enjoyed the short break he had at home with friends and family while his mother and myself were in Crimea. I understand he spent the time in an internet cafe copying games and Russian programmes. He brought over 50 or so DVDs and games. When I asked him where he prefers to be, he said he does not like Ukraine, but he loves being in charge of his little cousins and being the centre of attraction. He took over some presents for all his friends (who are actually cousins) and aunties and this, I guessed, made him really proud. The first time he has been a giver as opposed to being a receiver.

We are doing a lot of things together, but he is very much and introvert type. He prefers to talk to other children through me when he wants to borough something from them. He is very comfortable around his mother and me and nothing else and this gives me some concern but I hope all will be ok. It is school vacation now and he wants to spend the whole 5 weeks in the house. He loves going to car boot sales on Sundays but that is all the outing he enjoys. He is a very smart boy and I am trying to encourage him do what he is comfortable with which is the computer. He spends well in excess of 10 hours everyday on the computer - and with his love of the Ukrainian diet (Everything with Full Cream Butter - rice with butter, pasta with butter, butter with bread) I am worried for him.

That is the worrying side. On the positive side, he is very helpful around the house. Always helps clean the car and wants to help me do the wall papering and painting of the house later this months.

Posted by: j_c

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoeastLJ

Hi Chillidog,

He is a very smart boy and I am trying to encourage him do what he is comfortable with which is the computer. He spends well in excess of 10 hours everyday on the computer - and with his love of the Ukrainian diet (Everything with Full Cream Butter - rice with butter, pasta with butter, butter with bread) I am worried for him.

GOEast

Not critcising , but I would say this is a recipe for disaster:

10 hours in front of computer = no social skills
Ukrainian diet = weight problem in the making

I have a son, alright , he's only four , but we limit TV, max 20-30 mins a day , one program. Most days he does not switch it on , summer is easy , winter is difficult. The rest of the time , we entertain him, either through sport, walking , park , most importantly visiting his school mates. This is not an easy thing to do , I'm much happier sitting in front of TV, like I did when I was a kid.We conciously make the effort as parents to do this and ensure that our son has an outgoing personality , rather than introvert .Quite a lot of the time , he does not want to go , ie tennis, golf, but once he's there he absolutley loves it !!!

Yours is a much more difficult situation to turn around as he is in his teens - but does your wife see the same kid as you ??

This is going to sound like I'm criticising , but do you want to do something about it, and if so what do you think is best to do????''

JC

Posted by: GoeastLJ

JC, you have summed up my worries perfectly, but I see this as a very complex situation - I am not sure how to solve it. I, like you, prefer children to watch TV or play computer games in moderate doses. I had a routine for my son - spend a few minutes relaxing before playing games after school. Have an hour or so of homework and spend no more than 2 hours on computer games. Be in bed by 9PM during school time.

I have asked my wife what the routine was for my stepson and it so happens that there wasn't any. His bed time was whenever he wanted and that was usually the early hours of the morning. She is very protective of him and she doesn't like upsetting him. Having his own computer and Game console is just like a dream for him and it is one of the things he goes to when he comes back from school. His mother serves food at the computer and he eats while playing frantically. His way of relaxing is watching TV.

With my children, I can put my foot down and tell them to stop - which I don't have to because they are always doing things outside with friends. My son loves football, basketball and running and he has invited my stepson to come along but he has declined.

You see, my wife is aware of this and I have explained to her the potential problems - weight, sight, behavioural etc, but she things he is alright as long as he is happy. These are the things that make him happy! I think these are characteristics he has built up over his fourteen year life. No male role mode meant that he spent all this time with his mother and she probably just let him play computer games (at a cafe) when she was busy. I hope I can gently bring him back to the real world, but his mother is the key. I am at work all day but home Saturdays and Sundays and so I should try and do some outdoor stuff with him, but also encourage him to make friends. He normally eats seated at the table when I am at home over the weekend.

Posted by: j_c

Goeast - you certainly have your work cut out!

I provide most of the discipline and routine in our house, the nipper , he knows it already and works at her emotions rather than mine if he wants something, even at the age of four! However certain things she relents on after he nags her, others she will not.

I think your approach sounds good, definatley get him out the house at the weekends, maybe to start off with it should be stuff you do together , then move onto more social things such as sports - he needs to understand he cannot spend his life in front of a computer, well actualy he can, and may well do if nothing changes.

Good luck and keep us updated.

JC

Posted by: Chillidog

Goeast,

it is a difficult situation, at times you can feel like you are walking a tightrope, trying to balance putting enough pressure/encouragement to get your step-son out of his comfort zone, and also stopping some of the mothering/babying his mom does for him, and also knowing when to take a step back.

This all will only work with little steps, gradual changes. At times you will feel frustrated, and you are correct to be concerned about too much time on the computer and stick with your efforts to get his life more well rounded with friends and outside activities.

as you said his efforts in helping you in home remodeling projects and weekend trips with you to the car boot sales are signs of adjusting and becoming more comfortable in his new enviroment. His joy of being a 'giver' with his cousins will also give him more selfesteem and confidance to make new friends.

question---since he enjoys the car boot shows is their some sort of club or orginaztion that the two of you can attend that may have kids his own age group where he could possibly find others with similar interests. Attend these together so he has the support of you until he is comfortable in venturing out on his own?

Posted by: Chrismc

Goeast

I am glad things are working out so well for you all, your step son is bound to be a worry for you, but it is hard to change things overnight as he has had just women around him most of his life and you know what UW are like with sons, they adore and worship them.

Just try to change things over time, a little bit a a time, and whatever you do, don't try to take over from his mother, no matter how much she gives in to him or mothers him, it is not easy I know, but you seem to be doing fine, it never happens as fast as we like, but you will get there.

My middle son sounds a bit like your stepson, he used to spend hours at his computer also, no matter how much I tried to talk to him about it, nothing worked, then more or less overnight it suddenly dawned on him that what he was doing with his life was a waste of time, it took a while to sink in, but eventually it did. Now he is like most other young men, but for a couple of years it was a worry.

The only think I would try and make him do right now is get him away from his computer while he is eating, make that a family meal time, and try not to let it slip. That is just one small thing you may be able to do to start weening him away from the computer.

I am sure if you explained how you want them all together at meal times to his mother she will understand and help aswell.

Just my 2 kopecks

Chris