Russian customs/habits/etiquettes - Russian Ukrainian Belarus Travel Music Woman Dating News

	The Russian Meeting Place: A place to meet people and talk about all things Russian... International Discussions about Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Travel, Music, Russian News, Ukrainian culture, Belarusian Dating, Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Kiev and other intelligent topics about life in the former Soviet Union.

Pages: 1

Russian customs/habits/etiquettes
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)

Posted by: keizerkarel

Hej,

My girlfriend is originally from Russia, she is a lovely girl. However, she has this customs that I am totally not familiar with and these customs are, I belief, originating from her Russian roots. I tread her well from my cultural point of view but from the view as how she was raised I kind of fail and I really want to do something about that.

So can anybody provide me some information or literature references about Russian habits/customs or how Russian take care of each other? I would be really grateful!

Thanks,
Karel

Posted by: Legal

Karel,

What customs she has that you are talking about?

Olga (Legal's wife)

Posted by: Chillidog

Yes, where do you feel you are failing? what situations does she get upset with you, or lead you to beleive that you should have handeled it differently?
There are many customs, or cultural differences that come into play, so a little more information from you can help get the answers you are looking for.

Posted by: keizerkarel

Well for example, we went on a trip and we had some expenses like museum fees and coffee and such. She paid for some of these things but I was going to pay back of course. I have done it this way on a lot of trips with other people. But apparently I, as a her lover, should have felt uncomfortable with it she told me. And she was disappointed

Things like that... She told me that in Russia friends pay a lot of things for each other without feeling the need to get the money back. Don't understand me wrong, I am not talking about materialistic things.

MvH,
Karel

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by keizerkarel

Well for example, we went on a trip and we had some expenses like museum fees and coffee and such. She paid for some of these things but I was going to pay back of course. I have done it this way on a lot of trips with other people. But apparently I, as a her lover, should have felt uncomfortable with it she told me. And she was disappointed

Thats where you went wrong then, women in the FSU when taken out on a date by a guy expect them to pay for it all, a Russian guy in the same boat would do so for sure.

I'm afraid you will have to put your hand in your pocket a little more when taking her out

Posted by: BluesTraveler

Well as bf / gf, I can entirely see her point. You pay sometimes, she pays sometimes. It can be a little insulting if you give the money back after the fact. As though you are treating her like a little girl from the village.

You should offer to pay for dinner / museum / etc, but if she does pay, make sure you pay the next time.

Posted by: keizerkarel

Yeah, I know I must pay, this might have nothing to do with Russian culture... But she asked if she had to pay for me the first time, so I thought she was OK with it.

Another example, when I am cooking for her or going out with her I ask her what she wants to drink. She says I don't want anything, so I look surprised and give her nothing. But apparently when she says I don't need anything means you can choose to give her whatever you want. So when I give her nothing she gets disappointed I get annoyed. I asked several friends what they would do in this situation and they would do the same as me.
One more example, if you return a plate you borrowed from somebody you cannot give it back empty, you have to put something on it.
Are these Russian etiquettes, where does this come from? I am really not familiar with such things. I want to know...

Karel

Posted by: Pin Boy

those last two things are pretty much true in my experience. they will say they do not want anything, but they really do.

pin boy

ps welcome to the forum

Posted by: Chillidog

Quote:

Originally Posted by keizerkarel

Yeah, I know I must pay, this might have nothing to do with Russian culture... But she asked if she had to pay for me the first time, so I thought she was OK with it.

Another example, when I am cooking for her or going out with her I ask her what she wants to drink. She says I don't want anything, so I look surprised and give her nothing. But apparently when she says I don't need anything means you can choose to give her whatever you want. So when I give her nothing she gets disappointed I get annoyed. I asked several friends what they would do in this situation and they would do the same as me.
One more example, if you return a plate you borrowed from somebody you cannot give it back empty, you have to put something on it.
Are these Russian etiquettes, where does this come from? I am really not familiar with such things. I want to know...

Karel

Russian women will never ask for anything, rule of thumb--- if you are thirsty she is thirsty---- so if she says she does not want something to drink, just buy her the same thing you are buying---do not even argue with her just buy it! treat food the same way. It is customary that on 'dates' the man pays for everything, but if the womans request is a little extrodinary (expensive) it is also the man's place to just say 'no' do not explain just leave it with a plain and simple 'no'
Just think 'chivalry' like Knights and damsels in distress, whenever she is geting out of a car or bus/train anything, take her hand help her out, open the door for her when she is getting into a car.

the returning of a plate is an old custom, when times were hard, food was scarce, if someone prepared food for a celebration, when the plate was returned it was given back with food on it as a way of saying thanks and showing your appreciation for their help. It is their culture of everyone pitching in and helping everyone else.

Posted by: I/O

keizerkarel: Being of German blood myself and being married to a RW, I think I might be able to relate to your issues a little. I learned fast, I had to for survival 5 years back when I first travelled in Russia.

RW decoded (As best I can)........

1) The MAN pays for all and he is quick to do the paying. She must NEVER be put in the position where she feels she needs to pay. 50/50 split costs are OUT. Any man who goes this way is "mean" in Russia. For a RW, "Mean" roughly translates to selfish.

2) You: "Honey, you would like a drink?" Her: "No". What that actually means is she is waiting for you to ask again, usually 3 times. The RW rationale is that if you don't ask a second time, the first offer wasn't a genuine one. This is engrained in them (Mostly).

My Mrs and I are way past all this nonsense now, but I do recall noticing these things, even in her and she is very much more open than many RW I have met.

"Being a man" in a RW's eyes is nothing to do with dominating the situation. Beleive me, they are well capable of doing that for themselves. Being a man is taking total responsability for her and her needs. Good luck working out what her needs are when she doesn't tell you. I suggest a world wide divorce rate of close to 50% is testimony to men's inability to "Know what she wants".

I/O

PS: Never give something back which was borrowed without adding something to it. Again, that is "Mean". You must show your appreciation by adding a small gift. Never give the plate back empty. Never.

Russians, once you get to know them, are very kind and generous people. They are fiercely proud of this also. Anything less is selfish.

Posted by: BluesTraveler

I can add a general rule...don't ever ask if she is hungry or not. In my experience Russian women always seem to be hungry. If you are hungry -- go eat. She will eat something.

On the flip side don't skip meals either, 3 or 4 small meals a day seems to be the norm. Tough for me to get used too, since I only eat 1 or 2 meals a day.

Also don't talk too much about cost of items, she may think you are obsessed with money --> cheap.

Live and learn.

Posted by: keizerkarel

Thanks everybody for their advise! I have made some mistakes in the past apparently

I will have to make it up to her...
If you know some other things I definitely should not forget, let me know.

Karel

Posted by: I/O

Quote:

Originally Posted by keizerkarel

If you know some other things I definitely should not forget, let me know.
Karel

The "Sorry" word doesn't carry much weight. Better to say "I won't do that again" and DON'T do it again. Empty bottles should never be put back on the table.

I/O

Posted by: eddie465

Quote:

Originally Posted by keizerkarel

Thanks everybody for their advise! I have made some mistakes in the past apparently

I will have to make it up to her...
If you know some other things I definitely should not forget, let me know.

Karel

Have you read through http://www.russianmeetingplace.com/...ead.php?t=10214. There are quite a few dos and don'ts listed there.

Posted by: Legal

Quote:

Originally Posted by I/O

2) You: "Honey, you would like a drink?" Her: "No".

In such case it is better to ask "Honey, what would you like to drink: soda, juice, cup of tee or glass of vodka?" Give her more choices than simple "yes" or "no"

Olga (Legal's wife)

Posted by: DDT

I have a very unusual Russian girlfriend she does not like the Russian customs of the men buying everything for a woman and insists on paying her share. That said, she also does not have many close girlfriends and says that Russian men are not interested in her.
One of my friends, who was married to a Russian woman, says that Russian men, generally, like the way things are in this matter because it allows them to "buy" their women. Interesting view!