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My final musings on the subject of Russian dating
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Posted by: vic2012

Guys this is not a protracted goodbye.

But, since I wrote to say that my main interests lay elsewhere, and that, I now want to build on and strengthen my relationship, I have become aware that there is also a lot of useful information on my wife’s side of our situation, which I would like to impart, before I depart. And, I can say to all you searchers out there, that it is generally good news.

Since my wife and son went back to Siberia for the half term week yesterday, I have been giving a lot of thought to the events of the last two and a half years. It really started in earnest as I made the three hour drive home from London Heathrow yesterday. What set the old grey matter in motion, was the ridiculous conversation we had, on the way down, consisting of protracted variations of the same question:

Me: “So, you will definitely come back next week then?”
Mrs D: “You do want me to come back next week don’t you? You’re not tired of me, are you?”
(BTW, she left everything here, so the omens are looking decidedly favourable!)

So, why this anxiety?
You see, I feel SO fortunate, that I keep on getting this feeling of, why me? I don’t deserve it!
But now, I understand that, she has exactly the same thoughts. And she really believes that, there’s a chance I will call the whole thing off……...As if!!!!

So here are my musings

Your chances:
Going back two years and looking at her ad, I now know that, she was looking for two things: A good man and a better life. The latter, being particularly important, as she had a three year old child.

So, that should tell you straight away, that your risk of rejection can be lessened considerably if you are realistic in your choices. Stands to reason. If you start writing to someone who does modelling in Moscow and you live on a trailor park in Montana….you’ve got your work cut out! (no matter how good the scenery is, outside your door).

I said recently that, your chances improve, the further you are away from Moscow. And, better still, if you are prepared to take on an instant family. Amazingly, my wife owns her own flat and rents it out. And that makes her more wealthy than me. But she says she has been very lucky to find someone like me.

Keeping the relationship:
What determines whether a relationship survives is, not how big the differences are between you, but how you deal with them in the relationship.
My wife is actually worried that I have become tired of the way she handles things, her quirkiness etc. Far from it. That’s what makes the relationship more interesting and sustainable. This subject may sound very obvious, but apart from language problems, there is quite a big culture and mentality difference, that many people dont realise. In all, this leads to 'misunderstandings' which I think have been the biggest problems we have faced. So I am careful not to criticise and, at worse it’ll be a bit of mild cynicism wrapped up as a joke. In seven months, she’s never heard me really angry. But I've wanted to be!!!!

Money.
She just wants to go shopping and not have to worry about waiting till 8pm when they halve the price of out-of-date produce in the local supermarket! My missus is very happy to pick up these bargains, but she wants to balance it out with something nice as well. So, if you’re on welfare and, by some miracle, you manage to get your GF over to you. Then your problems have just begun. Unfortunately, my wife, like many Russian women equates quality with expense. She is extremely wary of places like CK Maxx where they sell cheap designer label clothing. Trying to convince her that, much of the ‘quality clothing’ one buys today is made in China and is no better than, that sold in most High Street shops, is a bit like trying to turn a super-tanker around. The good news is that, she does buy the ‘discount brand label’ clothes and conveniently forgets what we paid for them and even that we ever went there to shop, in the first place. She loves the ‘Pound shop’, but she’ll never admit it.

Holding hands.
Do I kiss on my first visit? Should I make love on my first visit? These are old chestnuts which have been asked on RMP since it opened. My advice is, as soon as possible after arriving, take her hand. You may be crossing the road, or going through a door, but use that pretext. Then don’t let go. See how she reacts. Since that first day, my wife and I have gone everywhere hand in hand. Mind you, it didn’t lead to any nooky on that visit. But it sure broke the ice.

Cleanliness:
Obvious thing I know. But every Russian woman I’ve met, has exacting standards of cleanliness. And, my wife puts it towards the top of her list of requirements in a partner. So my advice is make sure she sees you being clean. Put the toilet lid down, wash you hands, shower at least once a day and brush your teeth at least twice a day (better still if you keep her waiting while you do it). Wear cologne (not to strong and a good brand name. From pound or dollar shop? Definitely a no..no).

Make her feel wanted:
My wife loves having her feet massaged (Reflexology). So at least a couple of times a week, I use some balm and spend 15-20 minutes giving her feet a massage. She just loves it. And, its so relaxing. She also loves her back being massaged, so I do this too. Obviously, this is a great way to lead on to something more intimate. However, a couple of years ago. I got some flak on RMP for suggesting that you use this ploy on your first visit to your GF. I (and my wife) believe that, there’s nothing wrong or embarrassing in saying that you love giving back massages and would she allow you to give her one! It’s a bit like the holding hands, it gives you a chance to test the ‘temperature of the water’ and see what her reaction is, without feeling too awkward in bringing up the thorny subject of intimacy.

Her offspring:
If she has a son, then nothing you say or do, will change they way she plans to raise her son. So remember, it is often said that, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But 100%, the way to a Russian mother’s heart is through her offspring. Love them as your own and she’ll love you. But a word of caution, the older the offspring the harder the task! But, it still can be done. I get on brilliantly with my step-son

Homesickness:
A real ball buster, this one. You can never really prepare for homesickness. I installed Russian TV, but it didn’t do a lot of good. I’ve got a great relationship now, but those first few days were very rocky. She was ready for flight at any moment. She really had a bad case of homesickness and loneliness. It is worse if your GF lives with her relations prior to coming to you (as the feeling of loss is more acute). Make sure she understands that she will be able to visit home within months. And that, trips back, will be regular. If you intend the relationship to continue, make sure she knows this early on.

Look interesting:
Almost the very first words my wife wrote to me, when she replied to my first letter were, ‘I find you very interesting’ Many Russian women are worried that they’ll marry some sort of Homer Simpson character. Comes home, sits down, slippers on, “What’s for tea” and “Can you get me a Coors from the fridge?”
So, when you first visit, try to make things interesting. Book tickets to the Circus. I find it bit ‘old hat’ but my wife (like many Russians) love it. Book a couple of days at a spa. Outside the main metropolis they are just as they were 20 or 30 years ago. They’re really cheap and have lots of activities and walks. Perhaps a couple of museums. A pleasure boat down the river (most cities have these). Better still book a week in St. Petersburg and get her the air tickets to join you there. It’s not that expensive and it certainly worked in my case. After St. Petersburg last March, the die was definitely cast.

I could go on with more advice. But I’ve covered the main topics.

I hope the ‘so called experienced ones’ amongst us will add to my list (especial about being interesting), because, I wish I had been able to read something like this before I started out on my quest.

Good luck guys.

Posted by: Chrismc

A great post Vic, I can relate to quite a bit of that and I am sure will be able to relate to the rest once mine comes to live with me in June. You didn't mention it above, but like you have done I also have schools and things like that to sort out, a long time since I did any of that stuff

but Irena thanks me everytime I do something for her daughter and it shows to her that I love the both of them the same and it certainly takes a lot of the worries out of things for her and her future settlement in the UK.

I hope others can add to this great post and I will try and put my perspective over in due course also.

Posted by: GoingToRussia

A lot of good advice and infomation Vic, glad you came back to post it.

From a USA side, if your girls comes over on a fiancee visa, she will not be able to leave the USA until her status is changed. The paperwork is submitted after you are married and takes 6-12 months. Plus the fact that airfare will cost more from the USA to the FSU then from the UK. So going back to visit her country is pretty much out of the question for the first year. You can get permission to leave in an emergency or extreme case.

I have been very lucky to find a woman that has a great son. He is an "older" child, 21, but I couldn't ask for a better friend/step son. I have complemented her on how well she has raised him without a father or a male figure to look up to. So yes it is possible to get along with older childen as Vic states. I didn't have to work at it, we just "clicked".

Thanks again for the input Vic and stop by any time.

Posted by: shaun1000

Good Post Vic

Back rubs yep have to agree Russian women loves these, even Tatyana on the second trip requested them.

Good luck for the future, you are indeed a lucky man but you are obviously making every effort to be lucky.

S

Posted by: swindoom

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