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Coming to America
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Posted by: Jill

Hi all!

I'd like to hear from American women who have brought their FSU husbands/fiances to the US. What difficulties have they faced in their transition? Did they speak English when they arrived? How have they found work? Was there anything they were particularly surprised by or something they had a lot of trouble adapting to? How did they deal with cultural shock? Were you able to help and support them?

I've discussed this question with American men in relationships with FSU women, and although some of their advice is helpful, it seems that the issues faced by FSU men are slightly different.

I really want to help prepare my husband for this. Any advice?????

Posted by: Arnold

Obviously, I am not a woman, but in any case, I have a few Russian male acquaintances.
What struck me most about them in relation to Western man who come to a different country is, that they seem to be very industrious. They will not sit around the house for very long, but rather go out and find jobs, even jobs a Western man would only snear at, because it is below their status.
The Russian men that I had the honor of meeting here in the US seemed all very highly motivated to assimilate the American way of life. They know, you need money for that and they are very career oriented -- and materialistic. But this is what drives them towards success.
They like to associate with successful people who can help them in their quest to make it big in America.

These are just observations of mine though, of course, there might be differences from one person to another. My observations are also based on individuals who came here via the help of a sponsor, but not through marriage.

As for the language ability, I found that a lot of them have an extremely hughe vocabulary -- even larger than most Americans, but they don't know, how to string the words together very well in the beginning. but I think in your hubby's case this should be no problem, since he can converse with you.

I hope, this helps a little. Sorry again that I am not a woman. Perhaps, you should read some of Vyesna's posting, she "imported" her husband from Russia, or send her a PM.

Good luck, Arnold

Posted by: Jill

Thanks for your reply, Arnold. And, hey, it's not your fault that you're not a woman

Those are very nice observations. I guess my "problem" is this: my husband doesn't speak English (I mean beyond something that sounds a little like "How are you?" and "Sank you," oh, and "guut"). Sigh! He's studying, but it's a slow process. And, yeah, I'm absolutely certain that everything will be fine. Eventually. I'm just worried about that initial transition period. OK, no English means no work. So he'll be at home. HOw will he fill his time? Will he go crazy from boredom? I would!!!!!I mean he can't even understand the TV, he has no friends or relatives in the US. I assume I'll be at work all day. What's he going to do? You can only vacuum the carpet so many times

Posted by: ulughbek

It depends on where you will live, I guess. You can easily find places in the NYC area where Ukrainians outnumber English speakers. I would imagine that there are at least small communities in most larger cities.

But Waco, TX might be a little different. You could help him join some sports clubs to help him meet people and not get so bored (not as much of a language requirement). The first year might be tough.

Posted by: Arnold

Hello Jill!

Now look what I have done, another man answered to your thread... Just kidding!

Can I ask you something though? Why do you want to live in America? Why not stay there?

Personally, I would advise against hooking him up with a bunch of Russian speakers. There are two reasons, first he will get lazy and potentially stop studying English (I mean, think about yourself, did you hook up with a bunch of Americans when you were in the Ukraine?), second you don't know these people that he might run into, and they might be a bad influence on him.

Sorry, for being opinionated -- I am just an irrational male, solely driven by my emotions. (Giggle!)

I have a carpet in desperate need of vacuuming as well! Must you be so egoistical, and only think of your own carpet?

To be more constructive though, you should enroll him in college, and "Bingo", all your problems will be solved. He will have to take a huge amount of ESL classes, of course, but, perhaps, he could hook up with some people who are studying Russian, and have advanced standing in their language ability (Oh my God, I just gave you an idea for a little side job for him!). Just be sure to screen out the gorgeous bomb-shels (LOL. Sorry!).

Like I said before though, Russian man are very industrious, and he will probably go and find himself a little PT job. Like I said before, perhaps, way below his status (Mickey D, construction laborer, security guard, etc.), but he will do it, because it is against his nature to sit around the house and be depressed, like Western men.

Don't worry, the Russian male is very resilient to hardship, as a matter of fact, you will be surprised about his resourcefulness, when it comes to tackling hard times!

Trust me on this, he will be fine!

My best wishes for the two of you, Arnold

Posted by: spamer

Jill,
I was just told at where I work. (Pepsi Cola) That a new man was starting on Monday who is from Russia. There teaming me up with him to train because of my knowledge of Russia. (hey, I'm the only one there who knows anything about Russia, hard choice for them to make)
Anyway I will talk to him and ask him your question and report what he says.

Posted by: myshka

My husband (Russian) has been here for almost 6 years. I think the way a person adjusts is totally unique to the person's personality. As for work, my husband is a professional and was able to obtain a good job right away. He had some English when he came, but mostly related to his profession and technical jargon, he picked up conversational English quite fast, thru chatting with me online until he arrived and once he got here, working with Americans.
Hard to adapt was many aspects, from the way Americans work (didnt like it) to the way we make friends (didnt like it) to how lazy everyone is (in his opinion) etc.
I dont agree with the view of Arnold (hard to believe since I love to read his posts) but anyway, I think he needs to hook up with Russian speakers. Adjustment is difficult and having someone to comisserate with is important and makes a person less lonely.
I do agree with taking the ESL classes, of course, and he will have a chance to see he is not alone with his lack of English ability. I dont know what city you will be going to, but I could give specific advice if you mentioned it, or at least which area of the US you would be in. Please also, ask any specific questions you think of more.

Posted by: Arnold

The reason, why I advised against hooking up with people from the old country -- I should have explained better -- is, that it seems to me that very many people who do this get stuck at a certain level, and then they will not progress. I have seen this happen many times. Not just with people from Russian countries.

Of course, I don't mean to lock the poor guy up and tell him who he can assosiated with, but if he can get everything he needs without learning the language properly, what will happen if he ever (for whatever reason) has to fend for himself?

Also, a very strange dynamic can develop in a family, if one member of the family is unable to make it on their own. You can see such circumstances in immigrant families, where the parents utelize their children as interpreters.

Before long the kids wise up to the situation, and take advantage of it.

I hope, no one takes offense with this explanation, I just gave it, because I think that in an equal partnership both partners should be capable to ensure the best intrest of the family, and if one of the two is not progressing, it will hurt the other in the long run.

--Arnold

Posted by: myshka

where you are coming from. I have seen the exact situation you describe in many families in my years as an ESL teacher and just in my life. I guess i was responding from the point of view that if someone is in a new environment, doesnt speak the language, cant work right away, they are prime candidates for depression, isolation and other problems if all they have is their partner/spouse. They need someone from their culture to feel better, shall we say. My husband fully loves me, but I would not think it normal if he did not need some Russians to pal around with, speak his language with, who know and understand his cultural references, such as anecdotes etc.
So we dont disagree, we were just looking at it from different sides.

Posted by: Arnold

Hello Myshka,

thanks for your reply, but I still should have been more accurate in my post, instead of making "leaps of faith" that I will be "somehow" understood.

I have noticed that the ladies on the board (or on board?) always set a good example in regard to clearly bringing their point across, and I very much appreciate that.

-- Arnold

Posted by: imightbeafool

you don't need to speak english to get a job in america!! you don't even need to be legal. last summer, my husband worked for a painting company and all of his friends came from russia for the summer. they all painted houses and made good money and never learned english. ofcourse, it's very helpful, i'm just saying that it shouldn't limit his ablility to work! my husband's other russian friends worked on fishing boats and made great money. (these jobs are often under the table).
also, in the restaurant where i work, most of the men who work in the kitchen don't speak english at all.

Posted by: Cowbell

Jill,

In regards to your original question, the one thing that was most difficult for my husband and I was the fact that I had to be in the "teacher" role. While we were in Moscow I was dependant on him. He taught me how to get around ect. When the tables turned and he was the one needing help we both struggled. So many little things felt bigger just because they were new to him. Even something as easy as pumping gas, every station has a different type of pump. Once I realised the problem I tried to relieve some of the stress be inlisting the help of my brothers. I made sure he had time to hang out with them without me. It gave him a chance to learn everyday stuff from other men instead of me.

With language also being an issue he will be even more dependant on you. If there is an opportunity for him to have a male friend who speaks Russian it would be helpful. If not then just knowing the issue in advace may help.

~Bell

Posted by: PrincetonLion

Hmmm...
I am already here, I have adapted perfectly to America, I speak English good enough, I have a job good enough, I have a Green Card, finally! But... Where is my American wife?!