GUTTED AND VARIOUS RAMBLINGS - Russian Ukrainian Belarus Travel Music Woman Dating News

	The Russian Meeting Place: A place to meet people and talk about all things Russian... International Discussions about Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Travel, Music, Russian News, Ukrainian culture, Belarusian Dating, Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Kiev and other intelligent topics about life in the former Soviet Union.

Pages: 1

GUTTED AND VARIOUS RAMBLINGS
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Reality has hit and I feel GUTTED. Now I have realised that 43 is too old for me, because I have never had any children, and by the time we had got together she would be in mid-forties – maybe too late to have children. I would do better with someone a few years younger than me. Only problem is I am GUTTED, as I was bowled over by this lady’s photos, and I felt in my bones something genuine, the first time in 3 years since splitting with my ex-girlfriend. I feel ill. I wanted SO much to telephone her, but knew there was no point.

I have just spent my whole summer studying for a computer qualification (Cisco CCNA) in case anybody’s heard of it, to improve my career prospects, (I work as a cabbie just now) and I wouldn’t even hardly chat to a girl if I had the chance as I wanted to focus on this and get it finished – no time for dating - sad. Yet there is still no sign of that elusive ‘job’ opportunity – is it worth it? One other RW I met on Elena’s Models replied to me only to ask in very puzzled tones ‘why you the taxi-driver when you have the good education?…’, and I felt I had no good answer.

It’s a tough life. Career matters too, and having a settled job you like is a big plus in life. For me that is hard to find…

Anybody else get bogged down by such conflicts ?

Posted by: GoingToRussia

Sub-D, you can always adopt. There are many Russian children that need good homes. A man I work with adopted 2 Russian children, they are very sweet and well behaved children.

I have my own personal problems and demons but I know there are so many more people in the world who have much harder lives then mine. Cheer up and be thankful for what you have ... and don't worry about what you don't have.

Good luck

Posted by: JamesB

Hi Sub, I would try to look at the positves than get in a negative rut.If you feel this person is right for you the age should not matter.As was said before you can adopt or foster.
As for the job on the docu they focused on my part time bouncing job rather than the business i had and so being a taxi driver would have been a step up.

Keep positive and if you find the right woman or girl dont look for problems before they exist.Sermon over.

Posted by: EasyTarget

SD: CCNA is a great certification. If you lived in California you would have little trouble finding a place to work. Just have to keep searching...if you passed the exams you could easily take a job on the lower end, PC repair, etc.

What is her opinion about children? Does she want any? Does she have a child of her own? Is she open to adoption? Some women have had children when they are 45 with no problems.

By the way you I don't know your age, but if she isn't the one. There are plenty of women between 34-40 that would be happy to meet you.

Chin up, keep on the good fight.

Posted by: goforit

Quote:

Originally Posted by Subtitle-D

Reality has hit and I feel GUTTED. Now I have realised that 43 is too old for me, because I have never had any children, and by the time we had got together she would be in mid-forties – maybe too late to have children. I would do better with someone a few years younger than me. Only problem is I am GUTTED, as I was bowled over by this lady’s photos, and I felt in my bones something genuine, the first time in 3 years since splitting with my ex-girlfriend. I feel ill. I wanted SO much to telephone her, but knew there was no point.

I have just spent my whole summer studying for a computer qualification (Cisco CCNA) in case anybody’s heard of it, to improve my career prospects, (I work as a cabbie just now) and I wouldn’t even hardly chat to a girl if I had the chance as I wanted to focus on this and get it finished – no time for dating - sad. Yet there is still no sign of that elusive ‘job’ opportunity – is it worth it? One other RW I met on Elena’s Models replied to me only to ask in very puzzled tones ‘why you the taxi-driver when you have the good education?…’, and I felt I had no good answer.

It’s a tough life. Career matters too, and having a settled job you like is a big plus in life. For me that is hard to find…

Anybody else get bogged down by such conflicts ?

If you want a good shot at having your own children you best ratchet that age down some, say early 30's at the most. Once beyond that your chances of not being able to have children greatly increase.

On the other hand if you are both willing to adopt you should be okay.

I'm curious, what does your profile say and what do you say in your introductory letter? My profile and my letter make it very clear I want children. My introductory letter also makes it clear I want a bigger family, not just one or two munchkins. So it effectively eliminates any woman who is either not willing or not able to have children, or is near the end of her child-bearing years. I have even had women write me and say "aww to bad you still want to have kids."

I did meet this absolutely gorgeous and sexy woman, and we got along quite well, especially once she figured out I wasn't some player, i.e. good time guy. But we fought over children. She kept telling me 40 was not a good age to start a family. It got real tense between us on several occasions. She wouldn't leave me alone however as she felt she had a found a good thing after a long time of looking and guys playing around with her. But I just couldn't do it. In the end I knew we would both be unhappy having gone through that with another woman here in the US.

Bottom line: make sure it is clear to the woman upfront what you want, and make sure when you do a search on Elena's or elsewhere you control for that variable.

Posted by: AkMike

You're 43? Or the lady is 43? Either way, IMO, you're too old to start a family from scratch at this point. You'll be ready for retirement just as the kid is starting college..
Grandkids.... Hmmm you're 63 and your kids are just starting college then add at least 4 years of school then a few more to get a firm foot hold in life.. say 4 more. That'd make you 71 just as your kids were ready to have their own.
Sorry but if you want kids I'd suggest you find a lady with kids already and love them like they were your own.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Err, unless I am imagining things many people have children in their 30's and 40's nowadays - quite common. My own parents were 40 when I was born in the year 1966. Apparently studies have shown children born to older parents do much better in school, so its not all bad to be an older parent.

I did specify I wanted my own family in my ad, but I also said a maximum age of 39, so I broke my own rules I guess. She said she would have children if it was with the right man.

Best regards, and thanks again for all replies.

Posted by: JamesB

Hi again sub.Re kids.Im 48 and liuda is 24 and we just had Angelina who is 6 months.I know it seems old but if you can give a child love then i see no problems.Just dont get so hung up on age.I didnt and we are very happy.

Posted by: Chrismc

I really think it depends on the couple, what age is right for you as a couple, it will be different depending on many things, including age, responsibility, maturity, finances etc etc

Although it is not uncommon for women to bear additional children in their middle years, it was once quite uncommon for a woman to have her first child after the age of 35. Today, many women choose not to have a child until they are in their 30s. The reasons for this are many. Many couples choose to become established in their lives and careers before turning their thoughts to childbearing. Many see their 20s as a time to experiment and experience freedom. At that age, some men and women don't feel psychologically ready for the commitment of having children. Some single women may have such high expectations for themselves-and others-that they're unable to find mates who meet their qualifications for fatherhood. Though these women might opt to have children sooner, they often don't find a suitable situation for doing so until they're older. And then there are the couples who, for some reason, appear to be biologically unable to conceive until, just when they have about given up, they finally conceive.

There are a number of positive aspects to having a first child in midlife. There are also some drawbacks. First, the positives:

A new parent who is between 35 and 40 years of age has about 15 to 20 years of adult life experence and so has more inner resources to draw on in times of stress than does a younger parent.

Middle-aged parents are usually at the height of their earning power, so they have more financial stability to support a child.

Having had many experiences, many middle-aged adults are ready to be parents. They have a sense of identity -- the child will not have to provide them with it.

Having a first child in midlife provides a real sense of renewal.

Adults in midlife may have a deeper sense of the value of life itself, and so tend to place high value on the time they can spend with their children.

While many of the positive things about having a baby in midlife involve the joys of raising a small child, the drawbacks have mostly to do with the future and with the parents' concerns about aging:

Older parents may have lower energy levels. They may wonder if they will have the energy to be as active as their child needs them to be.

They wonder if they will live to see their child become an adult. Will they ever see their grandchildren? Will they very quickly become a burden to a child just as he is trying to get on his feet as a young adult?

When the age difference is 40 or more years, quite a schism is created; parents worry whether their values will be at all relevant to their child. The age difference may be particularly apparent when a child becomes a teenager -- a difficult period for even young parents to deal with.

Another consideration when having children later in life is the possibility of having siblings with large age differences

Chris

Posted by: kimchik

Man...that sounds like a midlife crisis to me!!! I say...start working on yourself before getting someone from the other end of the world involved in your misery.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Thanks Chrismc for your thoughtful reply, it is much appreciated. Those are all valid points.

Posted by: Chrismc

Its a pleasure, a few things to think about that is all.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Yes, kimchik, maybe I should start smoking some 'pot', to haze out all those rough edges !! Oh, they just don't allow it here. Are they allowed to smoke it in Russia ?

Posted by: GentleGiant

many women have children right up until the menopause, which can be anywhere between early 40's and early 50's in 90% of cases; BUT the risks of complications for the mother and the baby increase after 40. Could you or would you want to raise a child with Downs??
I also look for more children and so deliberately set my upper limit in my profiles at 38, but unless she seemed VERY special I did not reply to any woman above 35.
If you really like this woman and she is willing to try; if you are ready for any possible complications...
I say go for it, go and marry her tomorrow !!!! Don't Wait 2 years!! Life is too short for maybes or might have beens.
James proposed in the first few days and I will do the same if things go right in Dubai, (35 days to go!!!!), and will move heaven and earth to marry her before the summer if she will have me.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Good luck GG2 - I hope things work out well for you in Dubai

Posted by: goforit

Quote:

Originally Posted by Subtitle-D

Err, unless I am imagining things many people have children in their 30's and 40's nowadays - quite common. My own parents were 40 when I was born in the year 1966. Apparently studies have shown children born to older parents do much better in school, so its not all bad to be an older parent.

I did specify I wanted my own family in my ad, but I also said a maximum age of 39, so I broke my own rules I guess. She said she would have children if it was with the right man.

Best regards, and thanks again for all replies.

You aren't imagining things, but people have always had children into their 30's and 40's. The difference today is that women are having their first child in their thirties or forties and that is historically unusual. It is also physically an issue as problem pregnancies have increased as a result, not of having late babies, but having your first baby late. Women who have already had children in their twenties have very little risk in their 30's or 40's, provided they stay healthy. This is not true of women having their first child later on in life.

In another thread a poster noted that 50% of all women over 32 have medical issues that prevent them from having children. So waiting for a woman is not without problems, and for some woman who want children but wait and find out later they can't have children, it can be downright tragic.

Posted by: goforit

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

There are a number of positive aspects to having a first child in midlife. There are also some drawbacks. First, the positives:

A new parent who is between 35 and 40 years of age has about 15 to 20 years of adult life experence and so has more inner resources to draw on in times of stress than does a younger parent.

Middle-aged parents are usually at the height of their earning power, so they have more financial stability to support a child.

Having had many experiences, many middle-aged adults are ready to be parents. They have a sense of identity -- the child will not have to provide them with it.

Having a first child in midlife provides a real sense of renewal.

Adults in midlife may have a deeper sense of the value of life itself, and so tend to place high value on the time they can spend with their children.

While many of the positive things about having a baby in midlife involve the joys of raising a small child, the drawbacks have mostly to do with the future and with the parents' concerns about aging:

Older parents may have lower energy levels. They may wonder if they will have the energy to be as active as their child needs them to be.

They wonder if they will live to see their child become an adult. Will they ever see their grandchildren? Will they very quickly become a burden to a child just as he is trying to get on his feet as a young adult?

When the age difference is 40 or more years, quite a schism is created; parents worry whether their values will be at all relevant to their child. The age difference may be particularly apparent when a child becomes a teenager -- a difficult period for even young parents to deal with.

Another consideration when having children later in life is the possibility of having siblings with large age differences

Chris

That was a thoughtful response, but undergirding it is the assumption that the couple are fairly close in age, which has historically not been the case, and is often enough not the case even on this board. It also does not note the greatest risk for a woman in waiting to have a child midlife, medical complications or the inability to have children at all. For a somewhat different take (and why most women who want children should do so sooner rather than later) I'm posting something I wrote in another thread:

As a rule women mature faster than men, which is one of the reasons historically there has always been a big age gap between men and women. Also historically during the period of their lives when women are most fertile and likely to be having children, they want and need the most security, which usually an older man can provide.

When women marry for "money" and men marry for "sex" they are just following something that is generally hardwired into their psyche - security for women that an older man can provide and the perceived fertility (and thus sexiness) for men that a younger woman can provide.

The age gap has shrunk largely in the west because of a general rise in prosperity for men and women (even the least among us live in a manner that only royalty could have afforded several centuries ago); women in the west often delaying child birth to pursue higher education and careers; and the changing notions of what exactly makes for a successful relationship (I mean if the guy doesn't have six-pack abs there is no way he could be good in bed, right?).

King Solomon said in the book of Proverbs first go out and build your house, and then bring home a wife. That has been the ancient pattern from time immemorial, and becoming sound financially, and the maturity that usually goes with it, takes time for a man.

Religion can also play a significant role in that for a young man who is spiritually serious there tends to be a greater acceptance of marital responsibility at a young age (i.e. he is not out sowing his wild oats ). Although even there maturity gaps can be quite noticeable between men and women when it comes to spirituality.

The most well known relationship of all time, that of St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary, involved a huge age difference as Mary was most likely about 14 and Joseph much older with children from a prior marriage. Such an age gap has not been, historically speaking, unusual.
___________

In other words, whatever the benefits of having first children later, biology simply cannot be denied, no matter our prosperity and/or ideology.

Posted by: AkMike

Subtitle-D
I just was re reading my earlier post. I sounded very harsh. I apologize.
I should have worded it alot better. The facts still remain the same but it should have been softened alot more. If you're 43 now and you manage to find a wife and get her pregnant right away. You'll be trying to manage a new relationship at the same time you both are trying to be parents. Think of the stress she'll have just trying to adapt to the western ways and be a mother... Not a good thing my friend. These ladys work hard at learning a new set of rules and social graces.
ChrisMc worded it alot better than I. But I think you should reconsider your desire.

Posted by: GentleGiant

AkMike in principle I agree with what you say, but in the end the woman has said she is willing, she is a grown-up adult and must understand it will be difficult.
If they do not try they will never know, and perhaps spend the rest of their lives wondering "What IF??"

Posted by: AJROOK

Hi Sub,

Some really good points here to ponder. Chrismc nailed it with the pro's and con's. I am 40 and my son is 6. I am glad I waited till later in life and if anything it has made me want more children. I will agree that she should be a bit younger than you, but with her and a new child, don't worry about your age. The amount of new life you get is incredible. Yes, there are alot of things to consider as you age...but as GG has said, better to go for it then to look back and wonder what if.
As for life's ruts...drive a little faster so you do not get stuck as often. I had so many bumps in the road as I was seperating that I was losing hope. Within six months everything turned around. Things always improve, and it doesn't matter that you drive a cab. You have proven already that you will do what you need to keep things going.
We all have one go around....make it the best!

Andy

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Thanks for the encouraging words AJRook! I may not have the greatest job right now, but at least its secure, and I have a nice house, which I own. I am far from ‘miserable’ as one poster suggested. The city where I live has good educational facilities, and is considered to have a good quality of life, in comparison with larger cities. In my original post I perhaps sounded a bit gloomy, but I am only being realistic about the challenges I have come up against in my life and career – I know others must have encountered similar challenges. I have a large number of nephews and neices, some of whom now have there own children, and I am very proud of them all. One day I will have my own family.

Posted by: GentleGiant

Good luck Subtitle-D

And a handy tip for nappy changing duties, hyperventilate BEFORE opening the nappy. :-)

Posted by: yoron

I agree goforit. The best way to have a kid is when you're both are young

There is no easy way around this fact. It's medical, not a opinion.

Both quality of semen and physiological factors combines to this.
But in our modern society where most everyone has a career to be done before (youknowwhat

it's not popular advice.

On the other hand, you can have kids later too if you like and most likely it will be healthy

but then who's gonna play ball with your son etc etc. If you thought this over and still are planning on kids it's best if the girl is in what formerly was called 'childbearing age'.

Yeah i know

Conservative..

Ahh one more thing
Love conquers all

So go for it..

Posted by: goforit

Quote:

Originally Posted by yoron

I agree goforit. The best way to have a kid is when you're both are young

it's not popular advice.

The science on all this is rather interesting. As long as a woman starts young when having children she can usually avoid the problems that beset first time mothers in their mid-30's to 40's, assuming they can have children at all.

It has also been discovered that a woman will produce new fresh eggs right up to menopause if she is healthy, if she eats good nutritious food, and if she has already had a child earlier in life.

So if a woman wants to have children it is best to start younger. Biology doesn't take a back seat to career and other intentions.

What is interesting is a very good book on individualist feminism had a chapter about mothering and running a busy household being the very best preparation for a career later in life when the children are older or gone. I can attest to that. The best employees by far are women who have raised a husband

and family. They simply know how to get things done very effectively because they learned in the crucible of everyday living and not from some MBA textbook.

On the other hand, men do have a point where the quality of their sperm can drop off, but it usually happens much later in life and can be maintained with adequate nutrition. So the cycles of life are different for men and woman, and often it is advantagous for a man to wait until he is on financially solid ground before bringing home a wife, and the biological clock ticking different for him seems to support that.

And that is really the issue with the age gap, societies have historically recognized the different seasons of life men and women have, but modern western ideology (read: gender feminism) wants to act as if such differences do not exist, to the detriment, IMO, of both men and women.

Quote:

On the other hand, you can have kids later too if you like and most likely it will be healthy

but then who's gonna play ball with your son etc etc. If you thought this over and still are planning on kids it's best if the girl is in what formerly was called 'childbearing age'.

Yeah i know

Conservative..

Nothing conservative about recognizing the biological realities that affect us all.

Posted by: Jerico

I wouldn`t let age keep you from having a child.
In my younger days I did not want the responsibility of a child so i never had one.
Now that I am older things have changed and I am 50/50 on having a child.
It would be nice but then maybe not Hehehe
I am 41 and my wife is 29.
She says she wants kids but just not right now.
I think a lot of it for her is she doen`t want to gain a lot of weight and change her body so to speak , lol.

Ya I used to say I am to old to have kids now but so what if you cant play ball with them. With Being older and having two cultures raising the child perhaps we would travel a lot because as a younger male you might not be able to afford it.Maybe they go to better schools also.
I would hate to be 20 and have a child.
At that age it would of been difficult for me.

SO I could be 65 and the kid 20. Big deal.
With science today they will keep us old guys alive so we keep paying taxes.
Jerry

Posted by: JamesB

In have to agree with Jerico, as i said before im 48 and liuda 24 but im active and fit and make time for angelina.Its all about how you think of yourself.I feel good so i dont dwell on the age thing.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

I would just add that my dad was 40 when I was born, and I don't ever recall playing football with him ! I never thought of this as being a drawback. I used to play football with my friends, as most kids do!

Posted by: GentleGiant

My dad was 18 when I was born, and HE never played football with me.
( Too busy screwing his secretary/girl from typing pool/ next doors wife/any random woman he happened to meet..... )

We don't talk.

Posted by: goforit

My dad was 19 when I was born. We played ball together all the time. We even played basketball together on the same team when I was a teenager.

We aren't all that close.

Posted by: kimchik

Quote:

Originally Posted by Subtitle-D

Yes, kimchik, maybe I should start smoking some 'pot', to haze out all those rough edges !! Oh, they just don't allow it here. Are they allowed to smoke it in Russia ?

Better don't try!!!
But anyway that will only make things worse....

Posted by: stuckmojo

I'm not really qualified to say much about the age/children thing, having just turned 31 last month and not having any kids of my own...but surely....

if you want kids, and sincerely intend to give them the kind of life that you feel children the world over should have a right to, what the f**k does it matter how old you are?? I would personally rather have a dad that is 40 years older than me, who I know was/is there, rather than one who is 20 years older than me, and an absolute c**k.

You do what you feel, and if anyone ever says, "your too old to do this/that/whatever"....then personally I would suggest quite a pointed reply, or quite a pointed stick, depending on who's watching..

Peace!!

Posted by: JamesB

Well , im 48 and my baby daughter is 8 months and we plan another next year i think its a good age.

Sure everyone can say its too old but when i had my first boy , now 18 i didnt really have the time but now im a doting dad and i learned from experience.
Never let age be a barrier.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

Quote:

Originally Posted by stuckmojo

I'm not really qualified to say much about the age/children thing, having just turned 31 last month and not having any kids of my own...but surely....

if you want kids, and sincerely intend to give them the kind of life that you feel children the world over should have a right to, what the f**k does it matter how old you are?? I would personally rather have a dad that is 40 years older than me, who I know was/is there, rather than one who is 20 years older than me, and an absolute c**k.

You do what you feel, and if anyone ever says, "your too old to do this/that/whatever"....then personally I would suggest quite a pointed reply, or quite a pointed stick, depending on who's watching..

Peace!!

Good reply. For one reason or another I never had the chance to marry and have family of my own, and that's one of the reasons I joined RMP in the first place - to try and meet someone further afield! I guess that's why many men go into Russian dating - ie. simply to widen their choices and to meet a more compatible partner. Western women will be missing out - and getting jealous because of this! As regards the 'too old' question - at my age of 41 - it is to say the least mildly insulting - I could understand it if I was say 71 or 81 - maybe then I would be too old.

And congrats to JamesB, who has shown how international dating can actually work, despite all the horror stories. In my local newspaper yesterday they ran an article decrying someone who was handing out leaflets advertising a new Czech dating agency, and various women's groups were saying how this could cause exploitation and abuse of women - but does that mean genuine people cannot use the services of such an agency ? The fact is some people just don't like the idea that international dating can work - and maybe are just jealous that other people can find happiness and they can't!

Posted by: GoingToRussia

Hi Sub D. I'm over 50 and met a wonderful woman who has a great son. I could not ask for a better guy to buddy around with. He asks me fatherly type questions and when we are together it feels like a family that has been together forver ... it just feels so right and natural. He never knew his father so I think he is looking forward to having both parents for a change.

Good luck and keep posting.

Posted by: Jutman

There are pro and cons in all cases. The most important have already been postet. Be there for the kid.. then age is not important.

I can that as hi-school teacher. A lot of students seeks adult attention due to parents are to busy.
Secondly from my personal experience: My dad was 59 when he got me.

Posted by: Luida

Hello?

I'm Luida Bergin i hop we ar all friends.

Thank yot

Ludia

Posted by: GoingToRussia

Hello Luida and welcome to the forum.

Yes we are all friends here, you are from the Former Soviet Union?

Posted by: Luida

Private

Mr David hit me then left him and back home badbad man he has lover it hurt very bad

Posted by: AkMike

Hi Luida!
Is it your husband that hit you?
Did you call the police and they made him leave?
I don't quite understand..... Sorry

Posted by: Chrismc

Guys

Do you realise what this guy/girl is saying and who she is talking about, is it someone causing problems or is she the real deal???

The messages are a bit cryptic, but I know who it could be, I think one of you mods had better do some checking before this goes to far.

Very odd

Chris

Posted by: Jutman

Chris

Try let her get the 3 posts and maybe she will enter the russian forum. Or inform her about online translation help.

BR Jutman

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jutman

Chris

Try let her get the 3 posts and maybe she will enter the russian forum. Or inform her about online translation help.

BR Jutman

Brian

I have doubts this person is who she/he purports to be? there are too many things wrong with the style of writing and and how many genuine people spell their own name wrong

I personally think this is a trouble maker, (in fact I hope it is for the sake of one member on here) someone trace their IP and see who else (other members) is in the same range.

Just my 2 kopecks

Chris

Posted by: GoingToRussia

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

Guys

Do you realise what this guy/girl is saying and who she is talking about, is it someone causing problems or is she the real deal???

The messages are a bit cryptic, but I know who it could be, I think one of you mods had better do some checking before this goes to far.

Very odd

Chris

Checked and verified, only 1 exact or similar I.P. Address.

Posted by: Chrismc

Steve

I will PM you

Chris

Posted by: AkMike

Chris,
Do you suspect the troll from last fall is back?

Posted by: Chrismc

No someone else.

Posted by: Subtitle-D

As I started this thread I fell obliged to comment on the above troll-like posts which look very suspicious, and quite insulting to a member of our forum. I do not wish to participate in any thread on any forum where a time-wasting troll is active, and I hope that the moderators of this forum will be able to deal with this, or any other case of trolling, in order to keep intact the good reputation of the forum.

Posted by: GoingToRussia

I'm doing my best Sub-D. So far everything looks Kosher. I think who ever it was gave up.