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Posted by: too_tall

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Posted by: too_tall

this is an old old joke........

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

Posted by: too_tall

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog that has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'

Posted by: too_tall

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No ****?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

Posted by: too_tall

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off." "No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins." So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory." "Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married." "Then how do you account for all of these things?" "Simple, Did you ever go into a pharmacist winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"

Posted by: too_tall

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills.

Posted by: too_tall

Another very old joke

Irish pilots:
As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, Irish Pilots
as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Posted by: too_tall

Sorry about this ..........................another Irish joke

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over �$180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of �$250,000 they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Ireland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around �$75, the Irish study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Posted by: too_tall

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Posted by: too_tall

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Posted by: too_tall

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F@сk him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Posted by: too_tall

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Posted by: too_tall

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Posted by: too_tall

An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, and orange, and he's got feather earrings. He sees the guy staring at him. He says "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"

The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Posted by: too_tall

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Posted by: too_tall

Letter to used car dealership

"Usually I wouldn't get mad if there were something wrong with the used car I bought.
However yesterday I got furious because my wife wanted to move home to her mother - and the damn thing wouldn't start..."

Posted by: too_tall

Just press the button.

Posted by: too_tall

Perspective

Posted by: too_tall

Don't bring your daughter to work
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Armed with the Bible
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers.

Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to
select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Cage, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I'll be Bach."

Posted by: too_tall

Night at the barn

A lawyer and two friends - a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Posted by: too_tall

The curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Lying bastard

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

At the doctors office

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Posted by: blucatz

OMG! That was good, I needed a good laugh after this week, Thanks!

Posted by: too_tall

Tech Support...........

Posted by: too_tall

Warning Corny / dirty joke to follow. Don't read if you are easily offended.

Laying Off Sarah or Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

Posted by: too_tall

****Warning Corny and Dirty Joke to follow****

Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits, where do you want the blinds?"

Posted by: too_tall

Warning Corny, Dirty joke to follow

The Camel Joke

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Posted by: too_tall

Do NOT disturb..........

Note this doesn't work with kids.

Posted by: too_tall

Sally thought she forgot something but she couldnt remember. The ride to work seemed a little breezy.........

Posted by: too_tall

hmmmmmmm.............

Posted by: too_tall

Hmmmmmmm..........

Posted by: too_tall

Breast exam........

We stare because we care.

Posted by: too_tall

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'

Posted by: too_tall

The parents of a 10 years old kid come home in the evening and they
found in their son's bed a magazine. They take it to look what kind of
magazine it is, and they have a shock. the magazine is a porn one, for sado
masochists.

after 5 minutes of shock, the father says to his wife:

I think we should rethink the whole spanking thing.

Posted by: too_tall

When in deep $H!T ............

Posted by: too_tall

Movies you will never see.........

Posted by: too_tall

its a photo that I just felt like posting........ maybe someone can come up with a catchy/funny comment to add????

Posted by: too_tall

Here for an example is a photo that without a catchy comment wouldn't be very funny.................here are 4 comments

1. Little Billy standing abreast his baby sitter.
2. Little Billy wonders why anyone likes solid food.
3. Did you know that some elephants breast feed for ten years? Little
Billy would like to be part elephant
4. Got milk

Posted by: too_tall

Men should not be permitted to answer the phones or take messages..........

Posted by: too_tall

I had a couple of dozen other photos / jokes but when I shrink them to the size allowable here at this forum they lose all their meaning.

My solution? post them on a different forum what else?

Bill

Posted by: EasyTarget

I have run three marathons in my lifetime. And like most recreational runners I am not even close to the front of the pack.

Recently I was asked to run a marathon.

At first I said, "Naaahhh!"

Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."

Then I thought "Damn!!!... I could win this one!"

Posted by: Stirlitz

Quote:

Originally Posted by too_tall

I had a couple of dozen other photos / jokes but when I shrink them to the size allowable here at this forum they lose all their meaning.

My solution? post them on a different forum what else?

Upload them to a web photo service. I can recommend Photofile.Ru which I use myself but I am sure that there are plenty of others out there. When you upload, you can give the links here.

Too bad you cannot just insert an image using the IMG tag but a plain link to it will do too.

Posted by: too_tall

random joke..........

Posted by: too_tall

Random joke.........

Posted by: too_tall

discrimination vs harrassment........

Posted by: too_tall

safety first!

Posted by: too_tall

Bad Jobs..........

Posted by: too_tall

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are seated in the same compartment on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and firmly stated, "In Russia, we have best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as one we make in mother Russia. And, we have much of it, so much we can just throw it away like water ..." That said, the Russian opens the train's window and hurls the vodka out of the train.

The others in the compartment are quite impressed. Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars from his luggage, removes one, lights it and begins to smoke. "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world 'Havanas', nowhere in the world are there such many and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many that we can just throw them away ...." Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box of Havanas the way of the vodka.

Once again, the compartment's occupants are quite impressed. At that moment, not to be out done, the American abruptly stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer out!

Posted by: Stirlitz

That could be funny were it not so sad. I find it ridiculous that you need an attorney whatever you do.

Posted by: too_tall

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stirlitz

That could be funny were it not so sad. I find it ridiculous that you need an attorney whatever you do.

Igor, all humor has at least an element of the truth in it for it to be funny.

Posted by: Stirlitz

We had a saying here: there is a share of truth in every joke.

Lately this joke would be usually told like: there is a share of joke in every joke

Posted by: Stirlitz

A German tourist is being raped by a gang of five men in New York. She is screaming:

"Nein, nein!!"

Four more men run to help

Posted by: too_tall

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you! Get off of my cloud."

And the Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud!

Get off of my ewe!"

Posted by: too_tall

for sale

Posted by: too_tall

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're out of here'

Posted by: too_tall

To my "teacher" friends!

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does... (scroll down)

African Elephant. Gotta love hook on phonics

Posted by: too_tall

God said,
'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said,
'Gladly, Lord. What do You want me to do ?'

God said,
'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said,
'What's a Valley ?'

God explained it to him; Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said,
'What's a River ?'

God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said,
'What is a hill ?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was,
then told Adam,
'On the other side of the hill you'll find a cave.'

Adam said,
'What's a cave ?'

After God explained, He said,
'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said,
'What's a Woman ?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said,
'How do I do that ?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill, into
the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,
'What is it now ?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache ?'

Posted by: too_tall

A fricken Elephant and Chinese restuarant.........

Posted by: too_tall

careful with the landing.

Posted by: too_tall

!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!
!!!!!!Warning tasteless joke alert!!!!!

Posted by: too_tall

Sooner or later I am going to post a joke who offends a whole bunch of people.

Posted by: too_tall

My most offensive jokes are too many Kb to post here.

Posted by: too_tall

the weather is getting nippy out there........

Posted by: too_tall

Lesson learned too late/

Posted by: too_tall

You know I post about 25%-30% of my funny photos hear. This site just doesn't allow larger photos.

Posted by: too_tall

Baby oil what an invention.........

this is a great photo, but too big for this site.

Posted by: too_tall

Another use for post-its!!!

Posted by: too_tall

Noooooooo!!!!!!!

Posted by: too_tall

individualism.........

Posted by: too_tall

she makes a sound argument.

Posted by: too_tall

which do you think is illegal in California? talking on cell phones or putting on Mascara?

Posted by: too_tall

It was hot during the ceremony so Sally took extra precautions to be
fresh and cool.

Posted by: too_tall

Mary just loved the LSU Tigers

Posted by: too_tall

Ok, I am ready for my spanking.....

Posted by: too_tall

Little Yuri

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Sveta, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Sveta," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Vladi. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Vladi!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Yuri. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
"Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!"

Posted by: too_tall

Little Yuri,

Little Yuri was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Yuri, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Yuri thinks for a bit, then says,
"With your nice tits You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!"

Posted by: too_tall

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Yuri's propensity for sexual innuendo. But little Yuri remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," said the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.

With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

" It'll teach those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."

Posted by: too_tall

New complaint policy netted good results.

Posted by: too_tall

Let's play carpenter

Posted by: too_tall

beginning swimmer......

the picture was too big to load so I posted it here: http://russianwomenshome.com/simple...p?topic=528.160

Hopefully I am not breaking any rules here

Posted by: too_tall

No monkeying around...........

Posted by: too_tall

She has a point.......

Posted by: too_tall

Fashion tip.....

Posted by: too_tall

Knot a problem......

Posted by: stevo

Quote:

Originally Posted by too_tall

beginning swimmer......
the picture was too big to load so I posted it here: http://russianwomenshome.com/simple...p?topic=528.160
Hopefully I am not breaking any rules here

"DEAR GUEST IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO VIEW ATTACHMENTS PLEASE LOGIN or REGISTER."

Not exactly a thigh-slapper.

Posted by: too_tall

Sweet angel cakes, nice Bikini Stuffers, Cute Bra buddies, Delightful Dairies, Fabulous Fun bags, Handy Hand warmers, Heavenly Hood ornaments, Fresh mush melons, Sweet Sweater puffs, Terrific Taxi finders!!!

Posted by: too_tall

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blond jokes when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blond but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Posted by: too_tall

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Posted by: too_tall

safe sex

Posted by: too_tall

Great gift ideas

Posted by: too_tall

joke

Posted by: too_tall

lawyer joke

Posted by: too_tall

Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!

Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!

Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!

If you are easily offended by adult type humor go on to

another thread

cool jeans........

Posted by: too_tall

Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!
Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!
Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!

Perfect woman.......

Posted by: too_tall

Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!
Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!
Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!
Warning the next few photos are not for everyone !!!

Fish net catches more than fish..........

Posted by: too_tall

I can hardly wait !!!

Posted by: too_tall

Whoops

Posted by: too_tall

Key board Romeo

Posted by: too_tall

joke

Posted by: too_tall

Yep

Posted by: too_tall

joked

Posted by: too_tall

joking.......

Posted by: too_tall

Mabel always wondered what they meant when they
said that she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
She didn't even garden.............

Posted by: too_tall

Effective but has side effects..........

Posted by: too_tall

Similar joke but for women........

Posted by: too_tall

Re: Your E-Harmony Application

Dear Mr too_tall,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially rejected.

One of the questions we asked on the application was:

"What do you like most in a woman?"

'My dick' is not an appropriate answer!

Thank you for your interest.