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Posted by: too_tall

Book of the less than bright ideas.........

Posted by: too_tall

Book of the less than bright ideas.........

Idea # 2

Posted by: too_tall

Book of the less than bright ideas.........

Idea # 3

Posted by: too_tall

Book of the less than bright ideas.........

Idea # 4

Posted by: too_tall

another brilliant idea........

Posted by: too_tall

another brilliant idea.........

Posted by: too_tall

Brilliant!!

Posted by: too_tall

This idea is creativity at it's best !!!!
Imagine it.....................
Solar Tanning beds.........You can use the sun to tan!!!!

Posted by: too_tall

Happy Endings..........

Posted by: too_tall

Procrastination...........

Posted by: too_tall

Pessisism......

Posted by: too_tall

My ex was not a good driver...............

Posted by: too_tall

She specialized in creative parking..........

Posted by: too_tall

My ex was not a good driver.......

Posted by: too_tall

My ex was not a good driver!

Posted by: too_tall

My ex was not a good driver!!!

Posted by: too_tall

My ex was not a good driver...............

Posted by: too_tall

She had a job for one day parking cars...........

Posted by: too_tall

Mediocrity..........

Posted by: too_tall

Female brain.........

Posted by: too_tall

Male Brain..............

Posted by: too_tall

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asks

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover,
but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Posted by: too_tall

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ----
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------- -----------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle it!

Posted by: too_tall

prepare for the unexpected,,,,,,,,,

Posted by: too_tall

Aim high...........

Posted by: too_tall

Youthful innocence..........

Posted by: too_tall

Innuendo............

Posted by: too_tall

Denial...........

Posted by: too_tall

Internet arguements..........

Posted by: too_tall

The truth about Sexism.
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Only ugly b!tches complain about it..........

Posted by: too_tall

If you can't enjoy yourself...........

Posted by: too_tall

Rock Bottom.........

Posted by: too_tall

Sun Screen............

I have to reduce these pictures so much that often times the punch line is lost.
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Sun Screen with guns like these you can just fight the sun off.

Posted by: too_tall

women............

Posted by: JamesB

Excellent, very funny.I like the rolling pins.LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: too_tall

**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****
**** Warning very corny joke alert!!! ****

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

Posted by: too_tall

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those Buttholes deducted $95.00 in taxes

Posted by: too_tall

The perfect male..........

Posted by: too_tall

My parents said........

Posted by: too_tall

Complaint dept.........

Posted by: too_tall

Honest homeless man.........

Posted by: too_tall

PETA..........

Posted by: too_tall

Just doin his job...........

Posted by: too_tall

Women are like pizzas?

Posted by: too_tall

Hold still.........

Posted by: too_tall

Day at the beach.........

Posted by: too_tall

recycling that we would like to see...........

Posted by: too_tall

Lets play carpenter...........

Posted by: too_tall

How fights get started...........

Posted by: too_tall

You wouldn't have been dumped if......

Posted by: too_tall

Sleep............

Posted by: too_tall

My gravity ray gun is working...........

Posted by: too_tall

There is no I in drunk........

Posted by: too_tall

Things not to say before / during sex...........

Posted by: too_tall

Eat out

Posted by: too_tall

The birds and the bees..........

Posted by: too_tall

Redneck Swimming Pool........

Posted by: too_tall

Find her........

Posted by: too_tall

The Pointer Sisters..........

Posted by: too_tall

A sweet little story.............

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day.

Since Valentines Day is for a Christian saint, and were Jewish,” she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a valentine to?

Osama Bin Laden she says.

Why Osama Bin Laden? her father asks in shock.

Well, she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe were not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he would love everyone a lot. And then he would start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.

I know, Melissa says, and once that we get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f*cker.

--Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Posted by: too_tall

Here are a couple of Russian jokes translated to English.
Most didn't translate well, I am listing my favorite of the bunch.

Tell us, what forces you to drink vodka every day?
Nothing. I'm a volunteer.

At a football match one of the fans asks a boy:
Where did you get money for such an expensive ticket?
My father bought it
Why didn't he come with you?
He is at home. Looking for the ticket...

It is well-known that 20% of people do so much work as other 80%. However, it is not so well-known that 80% of people think that they belong to these 20%.

One farmer asks another:
- How come you cow gives 100 liters a day?
- You should be kind and tender with your cow. In the morning I come to my cow and ask her: "What do we have for today: milk or beef?"

A young man went to work for the police department. Everything seems to be ok, except for one thing - he never asked for his salary after over three months of work. When the head of the department asked him why didn't he pick up his salary check, he said:

- Wow! Didn't know you pay a salary here. I thought, you gave me the gun and the rest is up to me.

- My father says that it is better 'to give' that 'to get'.
- Is your father a priest?
- No, he is a boxer.

Knock at the door. The husband opens the door and sees his neighbor with a sheet of paper. The neighbor asks:
- Do you want to take part in a group sex?
- Well... who else takes part?
The neighbor looks at the list and says:
- Me, your wife and you.
- No way!
- Ok. Then I will cross your name out.

- Why is your baby screaming so loud? Maybe it wants something...
- Yeah! It wants to scream!!!

If you are afraid of putting on weight, you should drink a glass of vodka before the meal. Vodka dulls the fear.

Posted by: too_tall

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Posted by: too_tall

Cell phone camera bandit busted...........

Posted by: blucatz

Ok TooTall, I'll ask, where do you get all the pictures?

Posted by: AkMike

So ??? Did she break your camera/phone Bill???

Posted by: too_tall

Quote:

Originally Posted by blucatz

Ok TooTall, I'll ask, where do you get all the pictures?

I get them various places, friends send them too me, I get some on myspace, too many places to list.

Bill

Posted by: too_tall

I was wondering when they would get around to opening one..........

Posted by: too_tall

priceless.........

Posted by: too_tall

Price less.........

Posted by: too_tall

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, Wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" I am sorry if I disturbed you,"

She replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.

"The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking Anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."

Posted by: too_tall

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother ' s labor pain to the baby ' s father.
He asked if they were willing to try it
out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to

go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband ' s blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was

doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued
to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the

wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Posted by: too_tall

Beer holders.........

Posted by: too_tall

Guns don't kill people........

Posted by: too_tall

Doggie style.........

Posted by: too_tall

beer.....

Posted by: azamuner

Haha! Love the Miller one.

Posted by: too_tall

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Posted by: too_tall

"Circumcised"

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out
till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school

Posted by: too_tall

I was the oldest of 6 kids and often had to baby sit my younger brothers and sisters.

Baby Sitting Tip # 127

Tell them to stay behind the box!!!!!!

Posted by: too_tall

Wishfull thinking...........

Posted by: Spakoyna

Quote:

Originally Posted by too_tall

I was the oldest of 6 kids and often had to baby sit my younger brothers and sisters.

Baby Sitting Tip # 127

Tell them to stay behind the box!!!!!!

That brings back memories for me. When I was 4 years old my Dad had bought a rubber tipped arrow set for my older brother. They were in our bedroom...used to be a Den...walk through from the kitchen. Yeap...Murphy's law...I walked in the room and looked...wham...caught one in my left eye...almost lost my eye...made me left eyed instead of right eyed because of the medical practices of the day. Had to wear a patch over my right eye so my injured eye would heal???? Took me a few years to figure out why I couldn't make the sights on a gun work!

Posted by: too_tall

Spakoyna, I don't know what to say except that I am glad you can see.

Posted by: too_tall

Beavers Galore!!

Posted by: too_tall

Proper elevator

Posted by: too_tall

Smirking for me.......

Posted by: too_tall

Leg man myself...........

Posted by: too_tall

Big Bang

Posted by: too_tall

replaced in more ways than one..........

Posted by: too_tall

One little protest..........

Posted by: too_tall

favorite shirt..........

Posted by: too_tall

She complains about every little compliment, and somehow twists it
to mean something else.........

Posted by: too_tall

Censored................

Posted by: too_tall

It's gotta come out anyway...........

Posted by: too_tall

He doesn't get it...........

Posted by: too_tall

Get it straight

Posted by: too_tall

Not a good bedside book.........

Posted by: too_tall

It's not a doll.........it's an action figure.

Posted by: too_tall

It is a little difficult to pull one over on Fred...........

Posted by: too_tall

The child wasn't planned he was an accident..............

Posted by: too_tall

Warning Corny Joke Alert...........
Warning Corny Joke Alert...........
Warning Corny Joke Alert...........

Posted by: too_tall

It's all a matter of how you look at it.........

Posted by: too_tall

trisexual......

Posted by: too_tall

Veggies.........

Posted by: too_tall

Curtains............

Posted by: too_tall

Quickly............

Posted by: too_tall

Not a cook book?

Posted by: too_tall

beware of dog.........

Posted by: too_tall

Another joke about the Frogs........

Posted by: too_tall

Small package...........

Posted by: too_tall

Died laughing.........

Posted by: too_tall

Big Feet........

Posted by: too_tall

Dill??

Posted by: too_tall

Holiday Tips...........

Posted by: too_tall

HO! HO! HO!

Posted by: too_tall

Fruit Cake..........

Posted by: too_tall

They are fakes..........

Posted by: too_tall

Well Hung...........

Posted by: too_tall

Stick up

Posted by: too_tall

Stick up Dva..........

I had another funny one but it was too big and when I reduced it .........

It was too small to understand.

Posted by: too_tall

Not a good sign...........

Posted by: too_tall

Why don't you buy Me balloons?

Posted by: too_tall

Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet .

He said, "I'm doing, some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Posted by: too_tall

**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****
**** Warning corny joke alert!!!! ****

The Golfer

While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?

"I'll tell you, but you'd laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't," he promised.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said, "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not why I'm laughing," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm ""still"" a hole behind you."

Posted by: too_tall

Two Sides To Every Story

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet in a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, so I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate to talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up.

Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way home I said that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterward I just wanted to comfort him, but instead I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Played badly today-shot 87-can't putt for crap. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.

Posted by: too_tall

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Posted by: too_tall

One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.

I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?"

Posted by: too_tall

whoops.........

Posted by: too_tall

snow flakes........

Posted by: too_tall

Missing you...........

Posted by: too_tall

The ass family...............

Posted by: too_tall

Sexy towels.........

Posted by: too_tall

The difference between what men and women see in the mirror.........

Posted by: too_tall

Another blonde joke..........

Posted by: too_tall

DON'T wag the tail!!!

Posted by: too_tall

He renamed them.......

Posted by: too_tall

It looks like a..........

Posted by: too_tall

let it go.........

Posted by: too_tall

I need to supervise.........

Posted by: too_tall

Address the ball?

Posted by: too_tall

I couldn't get the guys in my company to read the sexual harassment policy. I finally came up with a solution.

Posted by: too_tall

handy bra..........

Posted by: too_tall

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blоw job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's brеasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tіts in there.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never fаrts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudіst colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lеsbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dісk!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Q. What do you say to a virgіn when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet fаrts.

Q. Why don't little girls fаrt?
A. Because they don't get аssholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the mеnopаuse ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blоwjоb.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tіts went.

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sех life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nіpple.

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better tractіon.

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chеw).

Q. What is the definition of a mеnstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fuсkіng time.

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the аss.

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussу and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midgеt and a vеnereal disease?
A. One is a cunnіng runt, and the other is a running сunt

Q. What's the difference between оral sеx and anal sеx?
A. Оral sеx makes your day, аnal sеx makes your hоle weak.

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tіts they won't shіt on the floor.

Q. What's a vіrgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prіck and its all over.

Q. What does tіghtrope walking and getting a blоwjоb from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prоstitute different?
A. The prоstitute stops fuсkіng you after you're dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Brнasts don't have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man mаsturbаtes successfully?
A. Miracle whip.

Q. What do a clіtorіs, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does the receptionist at the spеrm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for comіng.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A pеnіs...even a thought can raise it.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubіc hair.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynеcоlogist?
A. A bandleader fuсks his singers and a gynecоlogist suсks his fingers.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. Why does a dog lick its pеnis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What did the pеdophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sеxual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're mаsturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. What did one tіt say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
Her ankles.

What do you call a blonde in a string bikini?
Overdressed.

Why don't blondes talk much during sex?
Their mothers taught them not to talk when their mouth was full.

Why do blondes take their shoes off AFTER sex?
To count out change from a $20 bill.

Posted by: too_tall

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Posted by: too_tall

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...

Posted by: too_tall

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Posted by: too_tall

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron

Posted by: too_tall

There once was a man from Languini,
Who accidentally spilled Gin on his weenie.
Not to be uncouth,
He added Vermouth
And slipped his wife a Martini�

There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

Posted by: too_tall

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Posted by: too_tall

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, one from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of their tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. Upon discovering they were all contractors, the guard said to them, �Hey, we need some work done on the fence in the back�care to take a look and give me an estimate?�

Mr. Florida stepped up first. He took out his tape measure and pencil, whipped out a pocket calculator, and after a few moments replied, �Well Sir, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.�

Mr. Texas was next. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some math, and came back saying, �It�ll cost you about $700: $300 for materials, $300 for labor, and $100 profit for me.�

Without moving an inch, Mr. New York immediately said, �$2,700.�

Taken aback, the guard looked at him incredulously and said, �You didn�t even measure like the other guys! How in the world did you come up with such an astronomical figure?!?�

�Easy,� Mr. New York replied, �$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you�and we hire the guy from Texas.�

Posted by: too_tall

A man goes to a psychiatrist because of his total obsession with sex.

The psychiatrist sits him down and starts showing him pictures of ink blots.

Every time the man sees an ink blot picture, he tells the psychiatrist that he can see a naked woman.

"This is incredible," says the psychiatrist. "Whatever test I give you, you see a naked woman. You really do have a problem."

"I have a problem?" replies the man. "Your the one showing me all the dirty pictures!".

Posted by: too_tall

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey , they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough . After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no . Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no . The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue . The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth . As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there �Hind Lick Maneuver� but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Posted by: too_tall

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

Posted by: too_tall

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

Posted by: too_tall

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

Posted by: too_tall

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked.
"Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric.
"Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Posted by: too_tall

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 180
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 181
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 182
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good little cat I was Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 183
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is, obviously, a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Posted by: too_tall

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

Posted by: too_tall

Two Russians decided that they would have a serious drinking session. They bought a case of vodka, and one of them opened a bottle, poured out two glasses and said "Cheers!". The other replied "Are we here to drink, or to talk?"

Posted by: too_tall

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Posted by: too_tall

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crаp on it's head."

Posted by: too_tall

Two guys walking through the desert, and they happen upon a hole that they can't see the bottom of. So one says to the other, "Let's see how deep it goes."

So they pick up a small rock, and toss it in. No sound. So they get a really big rock, heft it over to the hole, and toss it in. Again, no sound.

So they come across a railroad tie. Now I don't know if any of you have ever been up close and personal with a railroad tie, but they're huge. Anyway, so they toss it down the hole.

And then, out of nowhere a goat comes running and jumps in the hole! "Wow. That was really weird," one says to the other.

A short time later a desert farmer (he grows sand or something) comes walking up and says, "Have you guys seen my goat?"

"Oh, no," says one guy. "It was really strange. I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your goat just came running out of nowhere and jumped in this hole."

"But that's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him tied to a railroad tie!"

Posted by: too_tall

Three men, an Englishman, a frenchman and an american, are walking along a beach together one day. They see a lantern and a genie pops out of it saying,'i will give each of you one wish.'
'Oh boy,' says the yank. 'I want me a pick-up truck.'
In the blink of a genie's eye, a brand new pick-up truck appears before them,with a gold plated grill, alligator-hide seats and flames down the sides.
The frenchman, amazed, says, 'i want a wall around france, so no-one can enter our country.'
Suddenly, a huge fall appears around the frenchman's precious country. The englishman says,'i'm curious. tell me more about this wall.' 'well,' the genie explains, 'it goes all around france, its about 150ft high and about 50ft thick, and nothing can get in or out.'
'Right,' says the englishman. 'i want to fill it up with water.'

Posted by: too_tall

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Posted by: too_tall

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate - not to romantic, and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Posted by: too_tall

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Posted by: too_tall

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Posted by: too_tall

Knock On Effect Of Northern Rock

The knock-on effect from the US sub-prime fiasco is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut back some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose- dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

Just thought you ought to know!

Posted by: too_tall

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the side walk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Posted by: too_tall

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Posted by: too_tall

*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*

A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"
"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."
So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the next day. That night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole bottle into his coffee...
About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a litlle boy asking what horny pills are for�
"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.
"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"

Posted by: too_tall

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Posted by: too_tall

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fu*k herself!"

Posted by: too_tall

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: �My friend is dead! What can I do?�

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: �Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.� There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: �OK, now what?�

Posted by: too_tall

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: �Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.�

The man then replies: �Yeah, well we were married 35 years.�

Posted by: too_tall

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, �I slept with your mother!� The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, �I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!�

The other says, �Go home dad you�re drunk.�

Posted by: too_tall

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Posted by: too_tall

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Posted by: waiting123

Thanks TooTall, you keep us all laughing and entertained.

I should probably rename your thread and move it to the jokes section.

Posted by: too_tall

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting123

Thanks TooTall, you keep us all laughing and entertained.

I should probably rename your thread and move it to the jokes section.

Sure if you want just pm me a link so I can find it.

Posted by: too_tall

Ironic..........

Posted by: too_tall

Your lucky day...........

Posted by: too_tall

cooking socks........

Posted by: too_tall

The hazzards of beauty...........

Posted by: too_tall

Charlie Brown............

Posted by: too_tall

Whipped.......

Posted by: too_tall

Keeps her young

Posted by: too_tall

Reality...........

Posted by: too_tall

Don't fall for this..........

Posted by: too_tall

Hooked........

Posted by: too_tall

Plug and play

Posted by: too_tall

Never a silent night...........

Posted by: too_tall

Don't do this!

Posted by: too_tall

Light at the end of the tunnel isn't always a train head light.........

Posted by: too_tall

Door ringers......

Posted by: too_tall

A bunch of goof balls.......

Posted by: too_tall

Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine
1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds

Posted by: too_tall

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Posted by: too_tall

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh!t, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh!t like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

Posted by: too_tall

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Posted by: too_tall

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."