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Posted by: too_tall

Help with translation


Posted by: too_tall

Understanding wife


Posted by: too_tall

moo


Posted by: too_tall

Global warming


Posted by: too_tall

The early bird


Posted by: too_tall

Hearing


Posted by: too_tall

Blonde joke


Posted by: too_tall

blue


Posted by: too_tall

Clearly you are doing it wrong


Posted by: too_tall

Imas was fired for this


Posted by: too_tall

It's Jane


Posted by: AkMike

There are some new ones there! Thanks!


Posted by: too_tall

Pretty eyes


Posted by: too_tall

Win her over


Posted by: too_tall

Quote:
Originally Posted by AkMike
There are some new ones there! Thanks!


I looked through the jokes for a while but I surely duplicated one or two

take care,

Bill


Posted by: too_tall

Man of the house?


Posted by: too_tall

Hot Date


Posted by: AkMike

New Hairdoo!


Posted by: AkMike

The Man and his legend


Posted by: too_tall

Questions

IS ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

IS THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE?

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


Posted by: too_tall

LOL you crack me up!!

I tried to hitch hike to Anchorage back in the 1980s. I made it to Seattle and
bought a car for $300 it was a 1969 Rusted chevy malibu. It was an adventure!

Take care,

Bill


Posted by: too_tall

Charley Brown


Posted by: too_tall

I Freeking LOVE coloring!!!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

Save Gas ????


Posted by: too_tall

Every joke has at least a small piece of truth to it to make it funny


Posted by: too_tall

Ethel???


Posted by: too_tall

The computer doesn't lie


Posted by: too_tall

practice makes perfect


Posted by: AkMike

And some more.


Posted by: AkMike

Some more.


Posted by: AkMike

This is an magazine article from the 50's showing thw ladies how to make a happy home.
Things have changed some since then.


Posted by: AkMike

A couple of very nice paint jobs.


Posted by: AkMike

This is how I spend spare time in the summer getting ready for the fun times
in winter.


Posted by: AkMike

Free Dog


Posted by: AkMike

No Title Needed.

It's DUCK TAPE


Posted by: too_tall

ROFLMFAO !!!!


Posted by: too_tall

It could always be worse


Posted by: too_tall

The facts..............


Posted by: too_tall

A postal worker came across a letter addressed to God, he opened it and it read;

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two
of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy
food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.

It read......
Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post Office.
Edna


Posted by: too_tall

I WAS IN A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE LOOKING AT ME FOR SOME TIME AND THEN SAID HELLO.


I WAS RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE I CAN'T PLACE WHERE I KNOW HER FROM, SO I ASKED "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW I THINK BACK TO THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO MY WIFE AND SAID "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM THE BACHELOR PARTY THAT I F*CKED ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY @$$?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."


Posted by: too_tall

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.



Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.

* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.

* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!


Posted by: too_tall

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told
me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls."


Posted by: too_tall

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The I-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


Posted by: too_tall

National Breast Awareness month is coming up!

Just remember

We Stare because we Care


Posted by: too_tall

Blonde guy joke for a change..........

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."


Posted by: too_tall

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she
asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,' Said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
too expensive, and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, 'South Carolina.'

'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina.'

'I know,' the man said 'Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


Posted by: too_tall

Engineers


Posted by: too_tall

Female IT experts


Posted by: too_tall

Who the hell designed this???


Posted by: too_tall

You think your job sucks??


Posted by: too_tall

National Sarcasm Society


Posted by: too_tall

Unreachable


Posted by: too_tall

How could you put a value on this?


Posted by: too_tall

What could possibly go wrong?


Posted by: too_tall

*******Warning Next Joke is Over the top**********
*******Warning Next Joke is Over the top**********
*******Warning Next Joke is Over the top**********

If you are easily offended skip the Next joke!!!!!!
If you are easily offended skip the Next joke!!!!!!
If you are easily offended skip the Next joke!!!!!!


*******Warning Next Joke is Over the top**********
*******Warning Next Joke is Over the top**********
*******Warning Next Joke is Over the top**********


Posted by: too_tall

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?


Posted by: too_tall

There are very few that would say that women are not more complicated than man.


Posted by: too_tall

Famous quotes from Noted Philosopher Zsa Zsa Gabor:

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back"

"Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything"

"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."

"How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?"

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."


Posted by: too_tall

A very skilled and and insightful man can see subtle changes in body language in a woman. Using this honed skill he can tell things such as........................


Posted by: too_tall

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked little Sergie what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked little Yuri what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Pavel what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Pavel thought real hard about it (didn't want to use baby talk), then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Sh!t."


Posted by: too_tall

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab***** offffff?"


Posted by: too_tall

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."


Posted by: too_tall

Blonde jokes are best in bunches

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

How Should I Know?
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Not at all tasty. Doctor's true story.
I was caring for a blonde woman in the hospital and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I asked if I could see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

17 Days............ Old blonde jokes
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffee shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

The Blonde and the Shepard
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Ventriloquist Dummy
Morris, a ventriloquist, is doing a show at a local club. With the dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Morris is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."
Blonde Jokes
Stranded
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."


Posted by: too_tall

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk


Posted by: too_tall

One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.


He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.


By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.


"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.


He whispered back, "I found the remote."


Posted by: too_tall

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"


Posted by: too_tall

Priceless


Posted by: too_tall

Blonde moments.....


Posted by: too_tall

Adult Dog store...........


Posted by: too_tall

Multiple uses


Posted by: too_tall

24 hours in a day?


Posted by: too_tall

Sometimes.......


Posted by: too_tall

Never mind


Posted by: too_tall

be careful what you wish for.........


Posted by: too_tall

Lower standards.


Posted by: AkMike

Getting Ready for Winter


Posted by: too_tall

There are rumors that men think differently than women.


Posted by: too_tall

driving test


Posted by: too_tall

These instruction prove that tort reform is needed!!


Posted by: too_tall

Did you get her number or was it wishfull thinking?


Posted by: too_tall

The evidence keeps stacking up about global warming.........


Posted by: too_tall

Do you need glasses?


Posted by: too_tall

Ok, you have to see all the things I agreed to do after this day...........


Posted by: too_tall

Nothing like a nice relaxing day wind surfing to take your mind off of lifes problems............


Posted by: too_tall

How do these people survive?

01. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't
order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

02. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.

03. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."

04. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."

05. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

06. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

07. My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in
the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

08. Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.

09. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room!


I doubt these are true stories but who knows life is most often
stranger than fiction.


Posted by: too_tall

Corny joke

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs, were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.


The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.



Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.


But Tillie, being older and more feeble,


couldn't reach that far...


Posted by: too_tall

***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***
***Warning political joke making fun of Democrats***

If you are super sensitive about such jokes skip to the next joke


Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

.................................................. ............
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is thi s street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

..................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!


Southerner's Answer:



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist


Posted by: too_tall

fishin........


Posted by: too_tall

Notice


Posted by: too_tall

New drug..........


Posted by: too_tall

Only we can say this


Posted by: too_tall

Smells like.........


Posted by: too_tall

Some people thought Jack was slightly reluctant to show his committment to Jill. Jill says that no, Jack was just shy...............


Posted by: too_tall

Hope springs eternal..........


Posted by: too_tall

re·dun·dant /rɪˈdʌndənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ri-duhn-duhnt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective 1. characterized by verbosity or unnecessary repetition in expressing ideas; prolix: a redundant style.
2. being in excess; exceeding what is usual or natural: a redundant part.
3. having some unusual or extra part or feature.
4. characterized by superabundance or superfluity: lush, redundant vegetation.
5. Engineering. a. (of a structural member) not necessary for resisting statically determined stresses.
b. (of a structure) having members designed to resist other than statically determined stresses; hyperstatic.
c. noting a complete truss having additional members for resisting eccentric loads. Compare complete (def. 8), incomplete (def. 3).
d. (of a device, circuit, computer system, etc.) having excess or duplicate parts that can continue to perform in the event of malfunction of some of the parts.

6. Linguistics. characterized by redundancy; predictable.
7. Computers. containing more bits or characters than are required, as a parity bit inserted for checking purposes.
8. Chiefly British. removed or laid off from a job.

[Origin: 1595–1605; < L redundant- (s. of redundāns), prp. of redundāre to flow back, overflow, be excessive. See redound, -ant]


Posted by: too_tall

who could possibly think he has a bad attitude??


Posted by: too_tall

I wonder why he seems a little short for his plan?


Posted by: too_tall

It doesn't count?


Posted by: too_tall

Honesty on the internet


Posted by: too_tall

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.



After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"



"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."



"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.



"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."



"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"



"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."


Posted by: too_tall

if you build it will they come?


Posted by: too_tall

Antidote


Posted by: too_tall

Robot love?


Posted by: too_tall

Note to self............


Posted by: too_tall

children........


Posted by: too_tall

Gotta love those Tiger fans............


Posted by: too_tall

Florida the Mountain State???


Posted by: too_tall

Positive attitude


Posted by: too_tall

Easter Bunny nightmares..........


Posted by: too_tall

How office rumors get started.....


Posted by: too_tall

Mans first happy moment.......


Posted by: too_tall

Little Billy often thought his parents sent him to the
wrong school...........


Posted by: too_tall

I have written to several Russian woman and they keep sending me this photo. Does this have some kind of significance or hidden Russian meaning???


Posted by: too_tall

True story, I have a collegue who sold windows to a
man named Buster Highman

I gave a bid to a man from from Viet Nam whose name
was Phuc Dat. I didn't get awarded the project.

I had another collegue who sold a man windows who his
name was Ron Heller and his company was named
Heller Highwater construction.


Posted by: too_tall

Breasts......


Posted by: too_tall

More of the same........


Posted by: too_tall

more........


Posted by: too_tall

more..........


Posted by: too_tall

keeping abreast of things.........


Posted by: too_tall

Just a joke...


Posted by: too_tall

another one?


Posted by: too_tall

I am not sure how to label this one. I had to post it.

How about tapped out?


Posted by: too_tall

Testing: is it pass / fail?


Posted by: too_tall

continued.........


Posted by: too_tall

more about breasts......


Posted by: too_tall

Focus.........


Posted by: too_tall

Pro dater?


Posted by: too_tall

bad pick up lines


Posted by: too_tall

reality bites..........


Posted by: too_tall

How many mice does it take?


Posted by: too_tall

A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the
Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or
colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.

If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination
Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.

Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated. If you don't have
five friends, you're already infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.


Posted by: too_tall

****Warning corny joke alert****
****Warning corny joke alert****
****Warning corny joke alert****
****Warning corny joke alert****



Pregnant Lady
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with her mother in the doctors office.

She inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, she asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little girl with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."

With even a more surprised and shocked look she said, "Then why
in the world did you eat him?"


Posted by: too_tall

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"



The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


Posted by: too_tall

Redneck Jacuzzi.

59 KB is too small for a bmp file. Does anyone know how to convert it to a
jpeg?


Posted by: too_tall

are they coming?


Posted by: too_tall

Great philosophical minds still wonder.......


Posted by: too_tall

belated halloween joke........


Posted by: too_tall

Personal preferences


Posted by: too_tall

not Santa but........


Posted by: too_tall

can you see?


Posted by: too_tall

I often visit the State of..........


Posted by: too_tall

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."


Posted by: too_tall

Selling.........


Posted by: too_tall

No shirt?


Posted by: too_tall

Put away the Jaws of life!!!


Posted by: too_tall

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
>the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"


Posted by: too_tall

Neighborhood watch Redneck style: Not pretty but effective......


Posted by: too_tall

Bike for sale............


Posted by: too_tall

A Catholic man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.

You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"


Posted by: too_tall

My exwife was a vegitarian, not because she liked animals but
because she really hated plants..............


Posted by: too_tall

Disney's desperate housewives


Posted by: too_tall

Great business Idea!!! I have begun saving up for it........


Posted by: too_tall

What kind of stuff is Ikea into????


Posted by: too_tall

Golds Gyms new advertisement.........


Posted by: too_tall

Ace really is the place.......


Posted by: too_tall

Save money on wedding rings..........


Posted by: too_tall

Better than Spock?


Posted by: too_tall

Is this their backup plan?


Posted by: too_tall

Works on the neighbors cats as well.........


Posted by: too_tall

@#$^@%!!!


Posted by: too_tall

the real purpose?


Posted by: too_tall

Boys are faster new scientific proof...............


Posted by: too_tall

True Love.......


Posted by: too_tall

Quality Inns


Posted by: too_tall

Ineptitude.


Posted by: too_tall

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."


Posted by: too_tall

My friend Stuart hired an illegal from home desparate (Home Depot),
he brought the guy home and gave him two cans of paint
and told the guy "I want you to paint the porch"

an hour later the man came back and said he was done.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked him if he was sure.
The man said jes I'm chure, I even gave it 2 coats.
Stuart couldn't believe it and asked again since he thought it
would take most of the day.

The man said jes I am chure but it wasn't a Porshe it was
a Lexis.


Posted by: too_tall

Optical delusion.......


Posted by: too_tall

Have a happy Turkey DAY!!!


Posted by: too_tall

More Turkeyday stuff.......


Posted by: too_tall

Have a happy Thanksgiving!


Posted by: too_tall

Little known facts about stuffing........


Posted by: too_tall

This is a little bit lame..........


Posted by: too_tall

another Thanksgiving joke.......


Posted by: too_tall

Sometimes all the family together is a little stressful......


Posted by: too_tall

Have a happy Thanksgiving!!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!


Posted by: too_tall

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

NOT really a Thanksgiving joke but...........


Posted by: too_tall

Penis Enlargement that works.......


Posted by: too_tall

Trendy new products.............


Posted by: too_tall

They can't be understood.........


Posted by: too_tall

DNA research..........


Posted by: too_tall

Baby sitting made simple, (please note this is in the joke section)

Watching kids can be a pain in the butt, I am sure especially now around the holidays
that many of you have noticed this. I was the oldest of six kids and the second toughest.
(my brother Rob was the toughest because I could never take the beatings that I gave him).

Any way being in a large family I was often given the task of watching kids that I didn't help concieve, and the only reason given to me was that I was oldest and related to them by blood.

The easiest way to watch a small child is by applying vaseline to the edges of a tub. Then put the little tike in the tub (naked) with a box of cherrios and a couple bath toys. Turn the stereo up a little. The child can't get out of the tub or make a mess, or get too hungry and best of all at the end of the day you simply rinse out the tub, no muss no fuss.

When I got older and had my own car I was still often told that yes I could go somewhere like to an outdoor barbeque or similiar but I had to bring one or more of my siblings with me

I came up with a solution that kept my car clean and free of mess. A side benefit, is that siblings rarely nagged my parents to have me bring them to barbeques more than a few times


Posted by: too_tall

FIRST KISS

So...it's your first kiss and
several questions come
to mind:
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is it the right time?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is anyone watching?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Does your partner even want to?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is your breath fresh?
*
*
*
*
*
*
And...should you use some tongue?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Then you lean in and
just go for it!!!!


Posted by: too_tall

You gotta follow the law..........


Posted by: too_tall

This is an oldie........


Posted by: too_tall

Free to good home.........


Posted by: too_tall

I showed up ready to spend $10

But they only wanted to play cards..........


Posted by: too_tall

little Billy was an adventuresome lad......and when he
grew up he didn't think that Flying 11 time zones to
find true love would be any different.............

Afterall what could possibly go wrong?


Posted by: too_tall

as Little Billy grew up sometimes he didn't take potential problems
into account after all what could possibly go wrong?


Posted by: too_tall

Hopefully this is a joke.........


Posted by: too_tall

When the computers go down.........


Posted by: too_tall

Other baby sitting tips........


Posted by: too_tall

More babysitting ideas.......


Posted by: too_tall

Word............Ebonics


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