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Welcome to the Western Women- Russian Men forum (about relationships and marriage)
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Posted by: Khashyar

Hi Everyone...

I wanted to create this forum so that Western women could have a resource regarding their Werstern-Russian relationships...

I really want the Russian Meeting Place to be a place for everyone who is interested in Russia and Russian subjects, so I created this forum...

Western women (or Russian men), please feel free to discuss or ask questions about your Russian-Western relationships here...

Welcome...

Khashyar

Posted by: GoGo

How come there are so many websites and discussions about Russian women, but hardly any about Russian men?

With regards to my boyfriend's idiosyncracies, I sometimes wonder which ones are because he is Russian, and which ones are just him...? Anyway it doesn't matter because he's a sweety.

Generalizations and stereotypes about Russian women are just about everywhere on the internet, so I thought I'd balance it out a bit with something dedicated to the Russian man. It's meant to be light-hearted. I'm far from being an expert, but seeing as nobody else has taken this initiative, I may as well make an attempt. Please say whether you agree or disagree with this list, or maybe you want to add more.

What makes Russian men so utterly desirable?:

- naturally broad shoulders
- gentleman and bad boy image in one
- can build anything in his own living room, e.g. computer, car, boat, rocket ship... though this can be a bit annoying
- when he's smart, he's really, really smart
- even the stupid ones are well read
- the way his face sometimes takes on an expression of uniquely masculine cluelessness
- passionate opinions, lofty ideas
- instant friends (add vodka and mix)
- you want to rescue him from his existential despair
- you love him and hate him at the same time
- your burning desire to screw him competes with your burning desire to kill him
- he somehow manages to combine cynicism with idealism
- his sense of humour is either extremely dry or extremely ridiculous
- hot in uniform (hot in anything)
- 100% pure male (whatever that means)
- relishes suffering and does not seem to fear death
- watching him, a Russian man!, do domestic chores really gratifies your inner feminist (or princess), plus he looks adorable
- he furnishes you with a selection of warm fuzzy nicknames
- you just don't get bored

Posted by: Khashyar

Thanks, GoGo, for your post...

I welcome thoughts about what is positive about Russian men, and what you love about your Russian boyfriend...

I welcome a balanced perspective...

And... welcome to the Russian Meeting Place Forums...

Khashyar

Posted by: GoGo

Privet Khashyar! Thanks for your warm welcome. This website must be keeping you very busy. I wonder if anyone else will post anything here... Poor Russian guys, hardly anybody wants to talk about them!

Hey, it's your one-year anniversary soon! Congratulations

Got something special planned for Saturday, no doubt?

Cheers!

GoGo

Posted by: Vyesna

I don't like to generalize

I'll just say that most apply to my husband. I think the main part is, no matter how frustrating he can be and even though sometimes he isn't on his best behavior, life with him is never boring.

Posted by: Vyesna

Also, I like that Rebecca West quote.

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

With regards to my boyfriend's idiosyncracies, I sometimes wonder which ones are because he is Russian, and which ones are just him...?

Which ones? I'd love to discuss this point.

I have some American male friends married to Ukrainian women and we do often "compare notes" about our marriages and spouses; although some things match up, I find that there are quite few differences in the dynamic when it is an American woman and a Ukrainian man.

So, let's chat

Posted by: jrenwald

Hello,

I have been married to my Russian husband for almost 10 months now and it has been wonderful.

I love the fact that he doesn't take anything for granted and finds even small things in life very interesting. It has been great.

Posted by: stephvinnie

First of all I want to say hello and what a pleasant surprise it was to find this site. I am very curious about Russia and the Russian culture (including Russian Men

)

I too have wondered why you can do a search for Russian Men and you find nothing but when you search for Russian Women you find thousands of sites. Do Russian men not want to come to the US??

Also, does anyone have suggestions on how I can meet up with Russian singles in my area (Canton, OH) ? I've done some searching online but so far I haven't found anything. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong place. Any Russian singles on this site from Ohio?

Thanks in advance for all your help.

Posted by: Jill

Welcome to the board!

Quote:

Do Russian men not want to come to the US??

I don't know, I suppose some do. But would you really want a guy who was primarily interested in where you live? Be careful of guys who may be looking more at your passport than at you.

Quote:

Also, does anyone have suggestions on how I can meet up with Russian singles in my area (Canton, OH) ? I've done some searching online but so far I haven't found anything. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong place. Any Russian singles on this site from Ohio?

Well, there aren't many single Russian men on this site. There is a section (you can find it if you go to the main page) called something like "Singles Meeting Place"--you can try posting some information there. There are some Russian/Ukrainian singles sites that are pretty good (and free) and sometimes have FSU singles in the US looking for friends/relationships (bigmir is pretty good)--however, they are in Russian, so it would be hard to navigate if you don't speak the language.

Why exactly are you looking for an FSU man? I'm curious about why people look for spouses of a certain nationality--relationships are hard enough, but they can be even harder when you factor in lanaguage and cultural diferences. Of course, if you meet the right person, it can be very rewarding.

Well, sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck!

Posted by: stephvinnie

Jill,

Thank you for your reply and for your welcome to the boards.

You asked why I am interested in a FSU man. I copied this from another thread that I posted too....

Now I can only speak for myself but the reasons I'm looking for a Russian/Ukrainian man is:

1. Although I don't speak the language I think Russian is beautiful and I'd love to learn. What a better way to learn then to have your significant other teach you.

2. I'm very attracted to the "look".

3. There is a bit of a fantasy to it. It's not a culture I know alot about so there is an unknown entity to it that makes the pursuit somewhat exciting.

4. I'm not having much luck with American men so why not try something new. It can't get any worse right? hehehe

Now, with all that said.... Anybody know any available hockey playing russian men they can hook me up with?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not saying that I'm only going to marry a Russian man (I guess I should clarify....I'm looking for a man - any man!) but I'm interested in meeting some Russian people and learning about the culture, the language, and seeing if a relationship might be something that I'd want to pursue. I'd also like to travel to Russia and Ukraine. I have a friend that I have been writing to since I was 11 and I've never met. I think it has been through our friendship and the things I've read about in her letters that have sparked my interest in the area, the culture and the people.

Anyway, now I feel like I'm babbling. I hope that explains things a little.

Posted by: Jill

Well, I've never been to Ohio, so I can't say off hand what's available there, but I'm willing to bet there's a Russian/FSU community somewhere around. Are there any colleges or universities in your area with a Russian program? That might be a good place to start--faculty usually know where and when FSU-related events are taking place (concerts, theater performances, etc)--and Russian events usually attract a Russian audience (at least partially). So you could meet people there.

If there are no Russian programs in the area, it still might be worth a trip to a local college (for example, a community college)--if you're interested in learning Russian, you could post flyers around advertising that you are looking for a tutor. There are many Russian students in the US, and one might be interested in tutoring you in order to make a little spending money. You could begin learning the language and you would also gain a contact in the local Russian community (he or she could introduce you to friends or relatives, etc).

You can also take look at Russian Women Abroad--as far as I understand, they have a search function to find posters in your city/state. You can try looking there and writing to someone for more Ohio-specific suggestions).

And of the course the other thing you should do is plan a trip. I can't guarantee that you'll meet the man of your dreams, but you'll have a great time and I'm sure you'll learn a lot from the experience.

Good luck!

Posted by: vanButterfly

I don't know if it's just Russian men but:

I am 27, and my ex is 27 (Russian). I met him 4 years ago on the Internet..as friends..and we fell in love. I met him in Russian twice for a month each. 2 years later he moves to Australia to me. Of course this would not have been possible without me organising it.

In the end he decides that I do not love and honour him (I want us BOTH to work and cook and clean and he wants me to do all) and that I have no right to ever get angry at him, and as soon as his mother came here on holiday, he moved out with her. Well...

I am definately not perfect, and can get angry too much at things, but he is such a male that degrades me and makes me feel like rubbish. He changed..I just can't believe it.

The army was after him and that is the only reason I realise that he came to this country. He used me..and now he just wanted to be friends.

He wanted to be the man of the house, but he had no idea how to wash clothes, how to find out anything, how to arrange anything..I had to ALWAYS make decisions! When I asked him to help me to pay the bills (he didnt for the 1.5 years he lived with me he refused and said that I should do it. Basically he is too bothered to do it. I argued for MONTHS with him JUST to do the dishes!

HE moved out with his mum, and then he smsed me every day... organised to go to dinner or the zoo with me..I had enough of this using and told him to not contact me for anything.

When he came to Australia, he ALWAYS emailed his parents EVERY NIGHT for over a year (still does). If he could not email, he would ring.

This is my experience of a Russian man...

Posted by: Jill

Hi vanButterfly,

I am sorry to hear about your experiences

Unfortunately, there are some bad people in the world who will use and take advantage of others to get what they want

At any rate, try not to fall into the "it's just Russian men" mentality. It's not. He was a

who just happened to be Russian.

Posted by: Vyesna

Sounds like a mama's boy. They are a bit more prevelant in Russia than the West probably, but anywhere you meet them they are generally not good mates (neither are mama's or daddy's girls either for that matter). However, not all or even nearly all Russian men are like this and even some of the mama's boys can be successfully habituated to married life if they are flexible enough. Youth may have been also a factor here. I don't think my husband would have been as good a spouse in his mid 20s.

Posted by: PrincetonLion

Quote:

Originally posted by vanButterfly

In the end he decides that I do not love and honour him (I want us BOTH to work and cook and clean and he wants me to do all) and that I have no right to ever get angry at him, and as soon as his mother came here on holiday, he moved out with her.

Hmmm, I think he is just a ��!

(Vyesna and Jill will understand this word...

)

Posted by: vanButterfly

I put it down to him being the only child, and being told that he is great for everything by his mother. She used to teach at the school he went to (in Russia), and if didn't get full marks, she would blame the teachers and tell him that it's the teachers fault.
The teachers there would even tell and remind him that he is not the best student and that there are students better than him...surely teachers don't do this usually unless someone has a bit too large of a head!! I've never heaed of teachers doing this to a student!

Posted by: Vyesna

Quote:

Originally posted by PrincetonLion
Hmmm, I think he is just a ��!
(Vyesna and Jill will understand this word... )

�� -��!

Posted by: vanButterfly

In case anyone is interested in an update.
I found out (via someone from Russia that knows about this!) that my partner (Russian) was emailing a married russian girl(he grew up with her) (and she has a child) and they were talking about:
- how they wish to meet when he goes back to Russia
- how he won't tell me about it
- how she will make sure her husband is not there
- how he wants to lick her, etc etc
- How she will wear short skirts and show her behind..and she asks him what he would do.
- How they want to bite each other everywhere
- how they want to get into each other's trousers.
- he regrets that he did not sleep with her when he was in Russia - and he doesn't know HOW he resisted

Now he even said that she is the ideal wife.

Please someone...is this normal for Russian men???

He did this all the time he came to Australia. I am so devastated, I helped him so much in this country.

I called him about it (I only told him I was told about one of those things) and he said that he was just seeing how far she would go, and he was only playing. I said" but during that you were in bed with me...." He sais he was just playing!

Now..he doesn't apologise of anything. I wasnt angry at him..but HE blames me for creating arguments when he doesnt help me..and LOOK WHAT HE DID FOR MONTHS WITH HER!

I am so depressed and sad and I just don't know what else...

She started seducing him in emails but HE responded to it..and all this time he was with me in bed as well. I don't understand.

I used to get upset that he spent so much time emailing, and I wanted to spend time with him..even in bed, and he got angry at me for it.....When we broke up..I started feeling bad for getting angry at him..but the truth is out.....*sigh*

Posted by: vanButterfly

AND (sorry to go on, this really upsets me)

When he broke up with me, he proudly reported it to her and said he could not handle me anymore and my scandals, and that it's finally over and he lives alone.
My scandals were getting angry that he does not help me, and stays and emails late in the night instead of being with me...

I was honest with him all this time and was not even interested in another!

I always wondered why he called me naive.. I was stupid to help him.

sorry for this..I know this is not a relationship forum...

Posted by: sidney

vanButterfly I'm sorry to hear about this. Like everywhere there are both good and bad. Unfortunately for you it was a bad choice that surfaced after time. With the many STD's infidelity is something I woudn't put up with either. Is he still in Australia or back chasing married women in Russia?
Sid

Posted by: vanButterfly

He is still in Australia. I helped him move out His mum is here on a holiday still (we separated when she came here) and I was so confused at how he moved out so fast! Now I know.

He said that he is not at all interested in her, and was just playing and that he woudl never be interested in her because she is married, has a kid, is 3-4 years older than him......but for months he did this ..and the things he said..it's not just playing surely.

I don't think he will go back to Russia soon at all. Though i don't know.

His mum leaves in a month, and people say he will run to his only security in this country....me. But after finding this out..it's really over.

Posted by: PrincetonLion

Dear vanButterfly... What to say?..
As a Russian man, I am ashamed that, uhm... creature has the same nationality as myself...
But please do not blame all Russian men because of that bad example!

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

But please do not blame all Russian men because of that bad example!

PrincetonLion is right. An ass is an ass no matter what his nationality. Such behavior is NOT normal or acceptable or excusable--whether he's Russian, or American, or Australian, or anything else.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I know you must be just devastated

How did you end up with this

in the first place?

Posted by: vanButterfly

Thank you all for your support. At least..it is all clear what kind of a person he is. And it is clear why he left so easily over small things. Never mind. I was devastated this weekend, but today I am ok(though it's a rollar coaster

). I just try so hard to forgive and accept that people make mistakes and nothing else. That is love I guess. But I am trying hard to keep away from him. Just it is hard because I helped him get a job where I work, and he refused to leave (he contracted where I work but through my old company). So we just speak as friends there and nothing else.

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

Just it is hard because I helped him get a job where I work, and he refused to leave (he contracted where I work but through my old company). So we just speak as friends there and nothing else.

Oh God! That really does suck

Were you guys married? If not, what is his legal status in Australia? Can he just live and work there as long as he wants?

Posted by: vanButterfly

No not married. He has permanent residancy for 5 years and he can apply for Australian citizenship in 3 months. he only wanted to marry me if I fed him every day. He said that only thing important for men is sex and food. :S

Posted by: Jill

What a charmer.....

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

No not married. He has permanent residancy for 5 years and he can apply for Australian citizenship in 3 months.

Wow! Are Australian immigration laws so liberal? Is that easy to do?

Posted by: vanButterfly

If you can make it through the visa process..yes. He had to have been here 2 years before being able to be a citizen though.

Posted by: Jill

So he initially came on a tourist visa and has just been able to stay long enough to apply for citizenship? That still seems strangely easy....

Posted by: vanButterfly

He came here on a tourist visa so the army doesn't take him away (Note: he is proud of his country but refuses to serve it because his education and mind would degrade) and then when australia finally accepted him for permant residency, he went back to russia for a week and came back on this new visa. In the application, it was known that I support him unconditionally. So.
Oh well. At least I played up my part of the bargain and I can be happy of that.

Posted by: Jill

Well, patriot or not, I can certainly understand not wanting to serve in the Russian army

But of course that doesn't make it right to use someone like this...But here is another strange thing: there are actually much easier ways to get out of service. Why would he choose something so drastic (and just downright mean)? If he was just looking to get out of the army, he could have easily bribed his way out, faked the medical exam, etc. It's not really that hard...

Posted by: vanButterfly

That is true. Plus they can bribe as he did to get a paper saying he didn't have to serve in the army for an application for something (can't remember). I don't know.
He claims he didn't use me..but what's the difference. Use me to get to the country, or us me the past year while getting off on emails until his mum gets here so he can leave. It's all the same to me and crap. But. It's over.
I just don't get why he asks me to lunch (like he did today) - even after the conversation about the emails, and wanted to give me cds that he knows I like. He was looking at me really funny today..like..staring. Well, hope he thinks about what he did anyway.

Posted by: Jill

Yeah...Well, to hell with him. Even if he didn't use you per se, you certainly don't need some psycho like that. You can do MUCH better.

Posted by: vanButterfly

Thanks

It can only get betterrrrrrrrrr!

Posted by: rtking

Damn VanButterfly, I'm sorry to hear about what's happened to you. The guy sounds like an absolute jerk and a player. It's best in the end that he's out of your life. I'm sure that you can find much better than him.

Bob

Posted by: mtbclay

vanButterfly,

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. It will be very interesting after his mother leaves and he does not have anyone to wipe his tushy and he realizes you will not be there. It will be time for him to be like the rest of us. He gets to grow up and be a big boy.

Clay

Posted by: Pin Boy

sorry vanbutterfly, you seem sweet and sincere...hate to see anyone get raked over the coals as we say in america...hope your heart doesn't hurt too much

pin boy

Posted by: vanButterfly

Time heals all.

Posted by: Jill

You're right vanButterfly, there's a good old saying: Time heals all wounds.

But the late Ann Landers had an even better saying: Time wounds all heels.

Just as true.

Posted by: FlashingEyes

vanButterfly,

Usually I try not to generalize about Russian people, but reading the posts on this thread I am reminded of a few generalities that apply to many Russian people:

Their culture is such that many grow up with a very different sence of personal accountability than Westerners have. It is common for them not to apologize for anything, not to admit or accept responsibility for their own actions, and not to say thank you for help received. There is a far greater moral flexibility than what most Westerners would consider acceptable, and even a sence of cultural admiration for a witty ability to fool and take advantage of those naive enough to be taken advantage of.

I do not say these things with a mean spirit or lack of love and respect for Russian people, but instead with a certain empathic sadness for them because their culture teaches them no better way of living, and though in their logical facility most are quite intelligent and realize that ideally there is another way, in practice they are taught from young childhood that such idealism is just another form of naivity, and that the pack of others around them will smell blood and attempt to take advantage of any attempt they make to be honest, forthright, humble and respectable.

Sometimes it is necessary to take them back to the very fundamental values they learned from childhood, and to reteach them basic values with patience and firmness and endless strength, especially because they are no longer children but adults, intelligent and academically accomplished, capable and experienced in overcoming life's difficulties, so all their adultness needs to be simultaneously respected while in the one respect of basic values they are firmly, yet gently taken back and retaught.

I think it must be boundlessly easier, though, for a man to reteach basic values to his wife, than for a wife to reteach basic values to her husband. Men are typically more comfortable taking a role of authority, and women more comfortable allowing men to take such a role. Russian like Western culture has traditional codes that men are the head of the household, and that a wife must be prepared to accept some new rules of her husband's household. And some would argue that women are, on average, genetically more comfortable with the idealistic relationship values - the aforementioned "honest, forthright, humble and respectable" traits, while men are, on average, genetically more disposed to "moral flexibility".

More important than any of these cultural or genetic advantages, however, are the existence of trust and of respect. Without these, no relationship can make progress, in my opinion. Both are established over time, slowly. And applying these traits to a relationship with someone raised in the Russian culture can be tricky, because we all know that in order for trust to be built up, it must be given, and yet at the same time Russian culture teaches Russians not to respect those who are too trusting. So we return to the analogy I mentioned earlier that in respect to relearning basic values, a spouse must be prepared to do a certain amount of reparanting. Trust must be given with a fundamental understanding that a person raised in the Russian culture may lack the experience in morality to do the right thing without a certain amount of supervision, and that the supervision will ultimately be respected if it is done wisely and reasonably. Finding the right mix of supervision and trust is an art, not a science, and the mix will change over time, to where eventually no supervision is necessary.

As I read your particular situation, I think you acted reasonably if you were married to a Westerner, and did not know of another way to act with a Russian. In retrospect, I think it's easy for us all to see that boundaries should have been set much sooner and much more firmly, and that you should have been less trusting early on in your relationship. I am not saying that even had you done everything right, that your marriage would have worked out. Some people are just not ready for marriage, and your husband could well be such an example. And I certainly agree with other here that there is probably no way to recover at this point, as things have gone too far from the right path, and that you are probably best served at this point by moving on. However, as a learning tool for others to gain from your painfully learned experience, I do think it increases the chance that things will work out if people are mentally prepared prior to marriage for the challenges of overcoming bad habits their partners learned in the Russian culture, and that many Russian people can adapt over time to a more idealistic set of values than the ones they learned from childhood, if their partner has the strength, and cleverness, and patience, and love to keep both husband and wife on the right path during the long adaption period when these moral habits are slowly relearned.

Posted by: Leprechaun

I cant belive he asked you out for lunch.... did he expect you to pay?

Hey We share the Same Birthday!!!!

cept im more ancient.

You can dance with the leprechaun for free =o)

Posted by: vanButterfly

FlashingEyes, your post is actually wow! Thank you for that!!!

Leprechaun,
He does lots of things - which is why I am confused. Today he came to me at work (no we didnt meet at work - I got him a job there), and gave me 4 cds he had and said that they were mine. He then asks me if I can bring a software CD. I didn't want to give him anything, and asked him why he needed it. He said so he can burn me the music I like and bring it on MOnday for me. I said "no..no..I have lots of other music". He insisted and I said not to worry about it. He then said he would then download the software from the internet and then burn the cds for me and bring them on Monday.
He is happy to pay for me for lunch. When we broke up, in the first 2 weeks he asked me to the zoo and insisted to pay (He does still have values

) - Not that I expected him to pay at all. Just was a nice jesture I guess.

He knew the doctor a while back told me to get a blood test, and he knew I was scared of needles (yes I am hopeless

) and he bothered me every day to go. He smsed me one night to remind me to bring the paper (for the blood test) to work so he could go with me. I told him that I could go myself but he insisted to go with me to make sure I go.

He still can be kind. I don't understand these jestures really. He does want to be friends, and I guess he just is doing that. He doesn't have anyone else in this country but me (a few people from swimming training, but not close).

On Monday he came to my desk to ask abut the blood test, and I said I would not go (I finally went the next day) and I stood up from my desk and got my wallet to go to lunch (myself as I usually do). He walked with me out the door to the lift area and went downstairs with me (I expected him to go upstairs back to his desk) , but he was walking with me to get my food. He then asked me to go to some place for lunch. i said no. He came with me to get food, and then we sat in a garden, had lunch and spoke.

I don't know how I am supposed to act. I think I should not even speak to him at all. But anyway.

Posted by: Leprechaun

Its all terribly confusing for you.

What do you want really, in your heart what do you truly want ?what will make you happy?

Is it him or not, dont tell me, just ask yourself?

Oh and im scared sheeeetless of needles too =o)
maybe its that day??

Posted by: vanButterfly

I want a . It's all really simple after that. It adds up to not him how he is now. And I'm not willing to be the woman to accept that and to be his maid. It's all simple logically, but I'm an idiot emotionally. If he did come back..I will wait 6-12 months (not that you can put a time limit on it)..but it's some start for some direction until I am over him.

And even if I could list a list of things that would make me happy, I think it can't be anyway, and I'd be in la la fairy land. (as in a man that is faithful to me and does only want me and respects me). I don't think it exists. My first ex seemed to, but I wasn't ready to be married and he wanted to get married (I was 22). And whow knows what I don't know about that relationship anyway.

Posted by: sidney

Quote:

as in a man that is faithful to me and does only want me and respects me). I don't think it exists.

Yes it does exist, unfortunately for you it hasn't happened. It isn't an option in my opinion. If I didn't think this were the case with my wife I would not have married her. There was never a doubt about my parents being faithful to each other and this was someting I was seeking as well. I can trust her to be out all night. Before others jump on that statement she works for a volunteer agency and has to meet a certain amout of time for a bonus. So every couple weeks she volunteers for an over night at the local homeless shelter. I have never had an ouce of doubt about her faithfulness and I'm certain she feels the same.
Sid

Posted by: Leprechaun

Quote:

Originally posted by vanButterfly
but I'm an idiot emotionally.

Are we all not whilst in love?

Quote:

And whow knows what I don't know about that relationship anyway.

Who knows anything about any relationship?

=o)

Aye.

Posted by: lester

So very true lep,

"love is blind"

Still, as they say,

Better to be p*ssed off, than p*ssed on!

Posted by: Junior

Quote:

Originally posted by vanButterfly
In the application, it was known that I support him unconditionally. So.
Oh well. At least I played up my part of the bargain and I can be happy of that.

I am truly sad to read about what you have been through. It would appear that he has just used you so he could escape to a better place to live.

In regard to what you have said in the quote above: Did you sign anything about agreeing to support him, "unconditionally�? If so, you are not out of trouble!! If you did sign anything in his behalf, you need to see an attorney, now! Even if you did not sign anything, you need to see an attorney right away. You must protect yourself, because no one else can do it for you. It appears that you have been scammed and there should be some legal remedy against someone that has used an Australian citizen just to gain permission to live there. There has to be! If so, you may be able to have his permission to live there revoked by the government. Don�t be a �nice girl� about this situation, you have every justifiable reason to go after him. I have read that being �too nice� represents weakness to the Russian state-of-mind; and in the Russian way of thinking, weakness is looked upon with contempt. Protect yourself.

Posted by: vanButterfly

It's too late now though. He has enough money and a job and he is renting a place to support himself. He came here as a skilled migrant (I didn't want him to come here as my partner because I knew there was a risk that we would not last - we were having arguments before he was here about culture, and I told him that we just had different values and morals - but he avoided talking about it from them on, and said to wait until he was there, then we could talk about it), and I signed a stat dec saying that I would support him, etc etc.. He can prove now that he can support himself - so there is nothing I can do.

And besides...remember..I'm an idiot who would help him..and I couldn't live with myself to send him back. It's just easier for me to try and move on.

Anyway, he doesn't sms me anymore since I spoke to him about the emails. He asked to borrow a cd on friday so he could burn me music that I liked that he has on his hard drive. I said no - I don't need it anymore - I've got other music. He said he would then get the software from the internet and then burn me the cds and bring it in on Monday. Why would he even care to do those things if he used me? I don't ask him for anything. I don't ever even make him feel guilty about anything. I don't even get angry - I'm just tired of it all to get angry.

When I mention the other things he does, people tell me that he is trying to slowly crawl back since his mum leaves in a couple weeks. I don't think this is true. I just think he is lonely and he doesn't have anyone else..but I guess it makes sense then..he needs to use me as a 'friend' until he finds someone else to take his time.

Posted by: Junior

Quote:

Originally posted by vanButterfly
It's too late now though. He has enough money and a job and he is renting a place to support himself. He came here as a skilled migrant (I didn't want him to come here as my partner because I knew there was a risk that we would not last - we were having arguments before he was here about culture, and I told him that we just had different values and morals - but he avoided talking about it from them on, and said to wait until he was there, then we could talk about it), and I signed a stat dec saying that I would support him, etc etc.. He can prove now that he can support himself - so there is nothing I can do.

And besides...remember..I'm an idiot who would help him..and I couldn't live with myself to send him back. It's just easier for me to try and move on.

Noticing that you and he had different values/morals should have been a huge warning sign of problems to come in the relationship.

You are not an idiot. Please, don�t put yourself down like that. Your only fault is that you have been too trusting and consequently you have been betrayed by someone who has no regard for your feelings.

Posted by: Leprechaun

Does he think by burning you a CD it makes all ok again!
"Im really sorry I hurt your feelings so much, Hey..... but here is Randy Newmans Greatest MP3 Hits to make it all OK"

A CD & a free lunch does not make things OK.

Be it for love, sex, money, friendship or whatever else he wishes to gain, he used you and he will continue to use you until he finds someone else to use.

Dont bash ureself as no - one knows their future or the motives of others.

Posted by: vanButterfly

No, he doesnt think that he did anything wrong ever. This burning of the cd, or giving me some cds he found to be mine, or lunch....it's all just a way of him thinking he is still not lonely and there is someone in this country for him when his mum goes.

Posted by: Leprechaun

Aye such blind innocence......

- how he won't tell me about it
- how she will make sure her husband is not there
- how he wants to lick her, etc etc
- How she will wear short skirts and show her behind..and she asks him what he would do.
- How they want to bite each other everywhere
- how they want to get into each other's trousers.
- he regrets that he did not sleep with her when he was in Russia - and he doesn't know HOW he resisted.

He knows you know one line.

He knows he has.

Posted by: rtking

VanButterfly, I know that you're hurt and healing, but having him trying to keep-up communications is like putting salt in the wounds. You need to be less "VanButterfly" and more "Van Helsing"

He's obviously not worth your time or energy at this point... he's made his position quite clear. And I agree with the others... you're not an idiot, just someone that was in love. Being in love means taking some chances and extending trust. He's violated your trust. Let him go and someone better will enter your life.

As for men that can be faithful to you and only you... I know it looks bleak now, but trust me... there are men out there (many men) that are very faithful and trustworthy. It take time and patience to find these guys... and you usually will not find them at the local pub either. Have faith... good things will happen.

Bob

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

You need to be less "VanButterfly" and more "Van Helsing"

Good one, Bob

Posted by: vanButterfly

I know I thanked everyone before..but seriously..thank you so much!!!
Everyone has really helped me to understand him much more, accept him for who he is, and so be able to move on.
It's not all hopeless. Just _we_ were. And he needs to be with someone more like him.

It gets so much easier each day! THANK YOU MILLIONS! I know I wasn't married to him and didnt have kids with him, but it's all relative, and I haven't experienced worse yet.

Posted by: rtking

VanButterfly... you're welcome. I'm glad that the healing has begun and you're feeling better.

Now I gotta say this: If only you were here in Los Angeles, I could introduce you to a friend of mine who's a great guy. Unfortunately for him, he's been "raked over the coals" and "used" because he's such a nice guy. He sits and wonders why he can't find a great girl somewhere. I'd think you two would be able to be friends and share stories if nothing else!

Ooops... Bob's trying to be a matchmaker again. Must... resist... doing... this! Not... a... "guy thing"... to do..... AUUGHH!!!

Bob

Posted by: mtbclay

Ya Bob, gotta watch that! Have your buddy check out ladywingman.com this might help him. I understand his situation. It is interesting that it is easier to meet a woman half way around the world, than to meet one in our own back yard. At least a decent one.

Vanbutterfly,

Hang in there, you will make it!

Clay

Posted by: mtbclay

Bob, its ladywingmen not ladywingman. It is an interesting concept. wish I would have thought of it!

Posted by: rtking

Thanks mtbclay! I wonder if we can do "trailerdate.com" or something like that. Make other guys take pity on a woman because her date shows-up in a sleeveless flannel shirt, toothpick in mouth and a mullett...

Bob

Posted by: mtbclay

Thar ya go, lets geet er dun.

Posted by: vanButterfly

Two months have passed since the break up, and things are getting so much better (as in I feel better - not that he is coming back.

) His mum leaves in 2 weeks, and I am nervous.
I still talk to him at work, and I am trying to not. It starts relating to work, and then we sit for an hour talking about everything else new until I realise that this is not good for me, and I finally go.

I offered last week to spend time with his mum on the weekend, and he said "no, don't worry, I can look after my mum"
Well..yes..he is happy for her to sleep on the couch, refuses to buy another chair for her to sit on(he has 1 chair in his place), and is happy that she lives on cake and museli (literally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
If this is caring... lucky he doesn't have to care for me. lol.

In the end, his mum wanted to be with me, and said she enjoyed being with me, but he said that HE didn't want her to see me, and he wanted to spend time with her himself.
Well.
Then he complained that his mum was complaining to him that he won't let her go and spend time with me when she wanted to.

He was telling me about a trip to the Blue Mountains that I reminded him to do months ago, and I pointed out one that his mum would love. His response:

"I don't care which one she wants! I want to go to the one that I want to go to! She can come along if she wants to or not!"

okkkk.....

He told me later on that she didn't want to go at all, and just wanted to go to the beach, and he said that he would go to the Blue Mountains himself, and he wont take her to the beach.

I mentioned that he could take her to the beach on Sunday. He said " No! I have swimmin training on Sunday!)

Well..swimming training is from 10.30 - 12noon.

I am starting to think that he is angry inside at something. Someone surely cannot be unreasonable all the time like that. Why does he need to treat his mother this way and not help her to enjoy her holidays? This is her first country that she has been to, and most of the days she sits inside and reads. How can he be happy about this?

Posted by: rtking

VanButterfly, it's unfortunate about his mother. But what can you do? He's a self-serving, selfish, unreasonable, narcisistic man. There's nothing you can do to change him. He seems to enjoy being empowered... so let him control his own domain.

Bob

Posted by: Leprechaun

Oh, butterfly, stop prolonging it, Just let it go, kiss it goodbye, put it to bed,
stop mixing buisness with pleasure, (pleasure????)

Go, walk out the door, just turn around now, cause your not welcome anymore.
stop worring about his dirty washing when you have dirty washing of your own to be cleaning.

you seem to be your own worst enemy,

Im really getting confused now. you want to move on but your words & actions suggest the opposite.

I got on brilliantly with my ex's mother, we were friends before I dated her daughter, but for my sake I had to say goodbye and move on,

So let him sort out his own mess and then stew in his own juices.
your fuelling his fire and youll be the one to get burned.

Posted by: vanButterfly

I go through phases, and this week it hit me tonight where I get depressed about it all. And yes..I am my own enemy in this case. I agree.
I DO want to move on..this doesn't mean I am ready to! Like I said before..logically I know what to do, but emotionally it's all different. And tonight the emotions over-ruled. I've been pretty good the past week! Just tonight is one of those nights...

Posted by: Leprechaun

Bless your pretty lil soul butterfly, I know those feelings, it always seemed to be the weekends, a time, I feel, is for lovers.

Were all with ya, and if it wasnt said before, ill say it now..
any guy would be lucky to have a girl as caring as ya.

Posted by: rtking

Quote:

Originally posted by Leprechaun
if it wasnt said before, ill say it now..
any guy would be lucky to have a girl as caring as ya.

Here here!

VanButterfly... repeat this to yourself: "You're a wonderful, caring, beautiful person. You deserve better."

Make this your mantra and repeat it often. In times such as these, your ego takes a severe beating. It just takes some affirmation to help pick yourself up and take that next step.

As Leprechaun so aptly put it: Any guy would, indeed, be lucky to have a girl as caring as you.

Bob

Posted by: lester

Vanbutterfly,
no valentine or flowers?

Then this is special wild flower for you!

Posted by: AkMike

Here's another one!

Posted by: vanButterfly

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I never expected that!!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!!
Really, it just made me smile!!!!

Posted by: Leprechaun

heres a whole garden for you

and a cannon of the need arises!!

Posted by: AkMike

Why is it that a flowers beauty pales in comparison to a pretty lady's smile?

Posted by: vanButterfly

WOW!!! YOU GUYS ALL ROCK!!!!!

I finally felt good this weekend without him. I get into work on Monday, and the first thing he does when he gets into work is send me photos that he found on the internet he knew I would like. (He used to send me these pictures when he found them previously).
I didn't reply because I promised myself that I would not care about anything anymore, and rip him from my life. He isn't coming back, and I need to move on and do things for myself.. so I did. I decided to start piano lessons and find a teacher. The NEXT DAY after I thought about this, a paper was in my letterbox about a piano teacher!! A Russian concert pianist (co-incidence about the Russian bit!) that lives up the road from me. So I called him and my first lesson is tonight!

My ex comes to my desk at work this morning, and asks me if I saw the photos. I said yes. He asked : "Do you like them?? Because when I was looking through those photos on the internet I knew you loved such photos!" I told him I did and thanked him.

I mentioned to him that I will finally start getting piano lessons (He always critisised how I played and would never let me play in peace. I just wanted to play for fun, not perfectly. When I mentioned to him I would get lessons ages ago, he told me it would be crap because I would never be good at all because I am too old (24 then)).

He was BLOWN away. He was so jealous and just blown away. Then he asks me about the teacher, and asks for his number because he TOO now wants to get piano lessons. Without thinking, I gave him the details.he said he would start when his mum goes home.

Then later when he left..it occurred to me what I did and I got angry ay myself that I was so helpful to him. All he cares about is himself. I just want to do something MYSELF without having any connection to him in any way! So in the afternoon I went to him and asked him if he could find another teacher because I found this teacher and just wanted to do this for me..no associations with anyone else (I just didnt know how to word it with him.I just didn't want to do anything associated with him or linked until I get over him.). He said: "But I got lessons when I was younger!" (with the accordian). Oh it's all about him...

SO WHAT!
I told him he could find another teacher, and that there are others! He agreed (though angry), and I asked for the paper back that I gave him with the details. He gave it..resenting me.

I feel bad, and he is angyy at me, but you know what.

SO WHAT!!

I am sick of being the idiot who helps him. This is an opportunity for me to do something that makes me HAPPY without HIM..NO LINKS..NOTHING!!!

And I feel good about it!! I don't owe anything anything!!

Posted by: AkMike

Tell him that unless it's job related do not talk to you! Tell him that if it continues it'll be harassment and will be reported to the boss.
It's either that or find a new job and or another place with an unlisted phone number. Put an "ignore" to any more emails from him.
It's time to move on to greener pastures. I wish you well!

Posted by: Jill

Sounds like you're finally on the right path, VanButterfly! Good luck, be strong!

And send us tickets to your first piano recital

Posted by: Vyesna

I don't know-- he's being such a pain in the butt, I might think about looking for another job, unless you are really in love with the one you have.

Posted by: mtbclay

Good Job VanButterfly!!! Kick his ...s to the curb!!!

Posted by: Jill

What is that they used to say on Rikki Lake? Drop that zero and get yourself a hero

Posted by: rtking

Good job VanButterfly! You GO Girl!

I completely agree with what you did... your life away from work is your business. Your piano teacher is YOUR time and not an experience you need to share with him. Consider even taking-up a hobby or activity that you never thought of before. And you know what? Your ex will never have a need to know because it's none of his business!

It's unfortunate that you two have to work together... but as Vyesna said, if you're not in love with your job, maybe it might be better to find work elsewhere so you don't have to see him. If you do love your job, then tell him he's no longer welcome to stop by your desk to chit-chat if it's not work related.

You do deserve better.

Bob

Posted by: vanButterfly

Thanks for all the encouragement!
There is no way I would want to leave (job) because of him. I like it there. At least he is on another level..AND the good thing is...because he holds it against me that I asked him for the number, he won't be contacting me for another week at least.

Posted by: lester

This guy was seen at womens day rally!

Is this him?

Posted by: Jill

Posted by: vanButterfly

That's funny... though remember..this man (ex) would not even know how to :
1. Make a sign
2. Know where to find a texta to make a sign
3. Know how to get to the rally
4. Be on time for the rally

So we can deduce from this, that that man is not my ex! He acts from the sidelines and likes to think he would have been there.

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally posted by vanButterfly
I go through phases, and this week it hit me tonight where I get depressed about it all. And yes..I am my own enemy in this case. I agree.
I DO want to move on..this doesn't mean I am ready to! Like I said before..logically I know what to do, but emotionally it's all different. And tonight the emotions over-ruled. I've been pretty good the past week! Just tonight is one of those nights...

Van... I will be harse with you as there ae a lot of people being nice and supporting your spirits... (and I agree with them)..

However, you are creating more issues for you to deal with than anybody... you think that you can continue to talk to him, to try and see his mom, to get emails and pictures etc. etc. etc. I know at one time you were trying to find out who HE was talking to and if HE was on this forum... I am going to say that your emotions are between being a stalker to the victim.. If you are still trying to find out which women he is writing too, then stop...if you have already stopped GOOD... NOW STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING!! If needed, talk to human resources and have them tell him to stop talking to you. He sould get the hint.. if not get a restraining order!!!

As a lot of people mention here, you are your own worst enemy... if you do not make the clean break, then it will take a LONG time to heal.... I am not saying you will not have a lot of down days, or wish to talk to him.... on the contrary, you will. However, it will create an healing period where you can get your MIND to control you and not your emotions.. If you continue down your path... you might still be conflicted a year from now.. or you might be back together with him as he is more comfortable than being alone... you will ACCEPT that his behavior is OK.

I have seen this happen to a few friends.. and it is so sad because they are either living a bad life or eventually break up anyway and then spent another few years with a jerk...

Just my thoughts..

Posted by: vanButterfly

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them. I haven't contacted him since. I don't go see him at work. I don't stalk him. I have the best days when I don't see him at work (they used to be my worst days).

I don't see him about ANYTHING.
He sent those photos to me! I didn't ask for them. And so I didnt reply! The only time I spoke to him this week was to ge the number back from the piano tutor because I don't want to have a link with him!
I agree that I WAS my own worst enemy.

Posted by: vanButterfly

"I know at one time you were trying to find out who HE was talking to and if HE was on this forum..."

If he was on this forum? I never thought he would be!

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally posted by vanButterfly
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them. I haven't contacted him since. I don't go see him at work. I don't stalk him. I have the best days when I don't see him at work (they used to be my worst days).

I don't see him about ANYTHING.
He sent those photos to me! I didn't ask for them. And so I didnt reply! The only time I spoke to him this week was to ge the number back from the piano tutor because I don't want to have a link with him!
I agree that I WAS my own worst enemy.

GREAT!!! Now, put a block on his email address, then you do not have to get pictures... Until you are HEALED, you need to treat him as the PLAGUE..

And is he comes to you are work, ask you manager to ask him to leave... I am sure he does not want to put his job in jeopardy... When you are finally healed and have met someone else, then you can decide if you want to talk to him.. but it will be YOUR decision at YOUR time.

Good luck

Posted by: rams

vanButterfly:

I find very often that people who are, by their nature, very kind and considerate, have great difficulty understanding people who are cruel and selfish.
You keep looking for some good in him. You keep trying to understand why he did what he did. What you did wrong.

You are very trusting, something that would be a good trait if you could find the right person. Unfortunately, there are cruel people who know how to spot and prey on trusting people, and this guy seems to be one of those jerks.

Don't waste your time trying to figure him out. I can sum him up in one word.... jerk. That's all you really need to understand about him.

Learn from the experience and move on. Stop putting any of the blame on yourself. You are not to blame, if the world were full of people like you it would be a wonderful place and we would not have to be so cautious and distrusting.
You do need to keep your distance from this jerk, his is still trying to take advantage of you. I know his kind, if he is now nice to you, it isn't because he appreciates you, or is sorry for what he did. It is simply because he wants something from you again. Don't fall for this... please don't.

Posted by: Leprechaun

Cruel and mean people think that weak (kind) people can be preyed on as they are so nieve (bad bosses etc etc)

but this only shows that they are the greatly nieve ones.

Posted by: vanButterfly

Hi everyone again. It feels like it has been so long I wrote here. Everything has been so good.. I felt good on my weekends, I stayed away from him, I was just happy.

Then on my birthday, he emails me and asks if I could just come up to his level at work for a second. I went up there actually thinking he was going to ask me something about work. He comes out with a big bunch of flowers, and three presents. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless and said that I could not accept these at all, and that an mp3 player, perfume, cds, and flowers was just too much. I was so confused that I started crying. He started crying as well. I was doing so well the past weeks (and yes, his mum left last week). Anyway, we spoke for a couple hours after that, and it came out that:
1. He misses me
2. He thinks about me so much
3. He is confused
4. He doesn't know what to do
5. He was upset all this time, but could not cry in front of his mum, and just puts on a cold front to not show he is weak.

The days before, he even started to ask me to lunch, to go to a concert, and he wanted to help me pick a heater to buy and carry it home for me (I declined..I remember how he said he would never come to my place again).

He was hugging me (i liked it, but at the same time..it felt so awkward..) and running his hands through my hair, and down my face, and he put his cheeks against mine. I was so upset- I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Anyway, a couple days have passed since then, and he was smsing me, and I was just getting upset about it all again. I had to tell him that it had to stop. So we spoke, and he finally understands that he was being selfish to see me or want to be my friend since I still love and miss him, and can't handle being near him yet. He apologised and said he doesn't know what to do. I said that I cannot help him, and that he made his choice - and that he should be happy now that he left me. He said that he is not - and that 'life sucks', and it's like his leg has been ripped of, and that his heart is just broken and he doesn't know what to do. I suggested that he speak to his parents since it is one thing that makes him feel better. He said "what for? what would I say? They don't understand what I feel anyway". I

Anyway, we spoke a lot and he still thinks he did nothing wrong with anything. I didn't get angry, I just understood that he is just lonely, and I suggested that to him. He said that he wasn't lonely, and that he just missed me like hell and loves me, but doesn't want to get back together now - but maybe later.

I asked him to understand my situation, and told him that I can't sit around waiting for him, and needed to move on for my own sake. He agreed that I could not.

I just kept reminding him that is was his choice to leave, and I respected that and helped him do what he wanted, but now I have a choice about friendship, and I can't have it.

I told him I could not do anything for him anymore. He needs to eat (he lost a lot of weight lately) and look after himself, he needs to buy himself a bed himself (he still sleeps on his blow up mattress for 3 months). He was complaining that he can't eat, he can't sleep. I just said he really needs to look after himself, and I can't help him - he is an adult and can look after himself. He just cried and said he couldn't - and that everything is horrible.

I told him that it should be worse for me because he left me - and I did not have a choice at all. He thinks it is worse for him because he doesn't have family here - he doesnt have friends. I suggested he make some where he swims. He just doesn't care. I encouraged him to move on and meet someone else - he doesn't want to meet anyone.

He sees that I am so happy now, and mayeb he just can't handle it and wants to be a part of it, I don't know...

I think I did the right thing. I love him, and I miss him, but when I am not around him, I really feel good.

Posted by: AkMike

It's just my opinion so take it for what it's worth....
From what I understand of your situation you did exactly the right thing. He was a user.. Find somone else, few IMO are like he is. There are alot of good men that can and do stand on their hind feet. No need for mama's apron stings.
Find someone who believes in giving as well as accepting.
Good luck.

BTW, there's a B-Day card for you in general topics. It was on time but you weren't!

Posted by: Jill

I agree with Mike. You did the right thing. He really seems a little creepy. And it's high time for him to grow up and stop expecting other people to hold his hand and solve all his problems for him. So he has no friends or family there--why is that your problem? Did you force him to move to Australia and are you forcing him to stay? If he's lonely and unhappy where he is, then let him go home. What does that have to do with you anymore? Oh, but of course his problems are far more important than yours.....

Posted by: vanButterfly

I don't understand what "I love you, I miss you, but I don't want to get together now" means. If you love someone, and you are miserable without them....how does it make sense to stay away..

Is this some male logic that I just don't understand? Does it mean 'I want my cake and eat it too..and maybe someone else better will come along and I just want you here while I am bored until I find my next love'?

Posted by: Pin Boy

not to be blunt, but yes it means exactly that. men never leave completely until they have something (someone) to leave for

good luck

pin boy

Posted by: vanButterfly

But why does he cry and get upset, and not eat and not sleep and get upset about it all when he left? He doesn't have _anyone_ now.

Posted by: Jill

You know, vanButterfly, sometmies it's better not to even try to figure it out. You may never understand and you'll just give yourself a headache trying. What does it matter why? That is, if you are certain that he is not someone you want (or should) be with. And it sounds like you have decided that. Maybe he's just nuts. Maybe he's just spoiled and wants to get his way? Maybe this is all just some kind of show because he wants you to feel sorry for him (thereby excusing everything he has done)? Who the hell knows.

This is what you say to him, vanButterfly: Moskva slezam ne verit. It means "Moscow doesn't believe tears" (which means crocodile tears, in English). Let him cry and get upset. It seems like he is likely just trying to manipulate you.

Posted by: vanButterfly

It should not matter why. I guess it's just one of those nights every now and again when I get upset about this stupid situation. I guess it's another one of those : 'you can't jump around it or over it..but must go through it' kind of things. For some insane reason I sometimes think there must be some way we can work together so I don't have to get upset over the next months..but really there is not. I don't even know why I want us to work apart of avoiding change

. I feel happy coming home alone and doing my own things. I feel happier not talking to him at work than when I talk to him. Just these stupid days every now and so..

Posted by: Vyesna

This really sucks. Since he won't take a friendly hint, I think the only thing you can do is the Ice Queen treatment. Polite, cold and distant.

Posted by: vanButterfly

Last week I wondered HOW he could come to this country and make more money than me, does less at work (he reads russian stories and writes emails) and be happy thinking he is right all the time without anything going wrong for him.

How I was wrong....

and..

How what goes around..comes around...

For weeks at work he has been working on a project (different to my project) and my work mates have all been complaining about his document that he has been writing, and how he refuses to update the technical document with their feedback. I stayed silent. It was out of my hands to help him with this, or give advise.
So time went on...
My work mates have been having arguments with him all these weeks about his quality of work and what he should include in his document. He refuses to listen to them, and claims:

1. They know less than him and don't have enough qualification to judge
2. There is nothing wrong with any document he writes
3. He wrote other documents before and no-one complained
4. One person said they understood his document, and he uses this as another reason to not update it.

So..this went on for weeks. My work mate is the project manager on this project..and had enough of him and his stubborness. They can't believe how rude he is, and how arrogant he is, and how he refuses to participate in the project as someone else would..

SO...

.... he is losing his job next week.

He doesn't know it yet. I feel really sorry for him..since he won't find another job at all for a long time, and his money will run out..and he has no-one.

But you know what..he deserves it.. I got him that job there, and I used to help him with his documents (checking English and all). ...and now he doesn't have me..

But of course...he blames them.

Posted by: rtking

VanButterfly... repeat after me:

"It sucks to be him!"

Seriously, he made his own destiny. You can't be arrogant, opinionated and a non-team player if you expect to make it very far in a company. In you ex-boyfriend's case, he's alienated everyone around him. First you, now his co-workers. He's driven others away from him and now he's got to face the consequences.

As for you... you're doing the right thing. Keep you distance (especially at work since association can be a deadly thing) and move on with your life. You seem like a great person who deserves much more than this guy can give you.

Stay strong! Stay the course.

Bob

Posted by: mtbclay

But of course...he blames them.

Sounds like my ex-wife

Posted by: vanButterfly

How I miss him some days...
Sometimes I wish it was back to how it was..but it was all just fake and not true (as in I just didn't understand the situation and my reality was not what it really was.)
Most days are fine..but the past week.. I've been really angry at him. I still hope he gets what he deserves. He is still at my work (I think he started to do what they asked him) and I just ignore him and I don't even say hello. He looks at me and smiles and says hello when he passes me..but I can't get myself to say a word. I am just so angry.
I can't wait until more months pass and I won't care so much.
I'm so angry that he doesn't care and that he lied and said he does just because he was lonely after his mum left.
I am so angry...
Anyway...just needed to vent..

Posted by: Leprechaun

Forget him......
Your anger does nothing to him so why bother?

You gain ZERO
Your anger does nothing to him so why bother?

You only hurt yourself so why bother?
Your anger does nothing to him so why bother?

stress and anger releases bad chemicals into the body that damage you.

damages you..... not him...... why bother.......

and hey cutie, get out and get chatted up.... you ARE cute btw.

Posted by: heatherlatyshev

I have been with my Russian husband for almost 4 years now, actually, on May 25, 2005 we will celebrate our 3 year anniversary. Oleg is very much a wonderful and devoted father and husband. He takes pride in his family and always treats us fairly. We had a rocky start, simply because of the way Russian mothers raise their boys, versus how they raise thier girls. Oleg still, to this day, refuses to fold laundry. But at least we have come to understandings about cleaning the house and raising the girls. Although, he would like to have a boy, says there will be to much estrogen in the house when the girls come of age.

I am disheartened to here that vanButterfly had such a terrible experience with her Russian aquaintance, I refer to him in this manner because it sounds as if that is all he is now. But I hope that she will not let her sour her outlook towards all Russian men in general. I have an ex-husband that sounds as much as a jerk like your ex....and my ex was an American. My Russian husband is much more than I ever could have expected and I will live the rest of my live knowing that he will be here for me, through anything.

Posted by: vanButterfly

Time has gone on. I found a wonderful partner that loves and treats me wonderfully. It was really hard to get used to someone that wants to do things for you.
I never thought I would ever write here again in this stream, but I saw something funny today.
I saw my ex near my place today. I was surprised. Anyway. The funny thing is..he was with a girl and they both got out of the car. He stood on the side of the road helpless, and she opened the bonnet and tried to fix the car.

Some people never change. I actually thought that our relationship ending might teach him something.

Posted by: mtbclay

VanButterfly,
Good for you, happy to hear you have found someone that treats you well. I wish you the best in your new relationship.

Clay