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How do you know she is the one?
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Posted by: GoeastLJ

When I started looking for my FSU, I didn’t know what I wanted – I had a clear idea what I didn’t want. I have met an accountant, a hairdresser, a civil servant (social security), a geologist and a social worker. I could have settled for any one of them.

When I met the one, I found that I wanted to spend more time with her. On the second trip, we stayed together for 7 days. We walked, talked and we enjoyed each other’s company. On this trip, I took some DVDs and CDs and we watched none of the DVDs and did not notice when the music stopped playing.

I miss her very much when we are apart and she makes me feel that she misses me too. I never feel guilty when I phone her and I have no set time when to call her. Ukraine and UK time difference is only 2 hours and she called me at exactly midnight on my birthday to ‘congratulate’ me. She must have sat up till the early morning hours waiting for this time. One of my previous ladies only wanted to be called at set times which gave me a problem as I like to be spontaneous – within reason, of course. She was so organized that I thought we would have a timetable for everything and I would have to make an appointment to see her.

Our first phone conversation lasted 2 minutes and I felt very low because we had had very energetic email communication. We had built up such high expectations that this really made me sad. I was aware of the language problems and she had warned me that her knowledge of English was very limited. My Russian was exactly zero. 7 months later, we spend no less than 50 minutes on the phone daily. It is amazing how her English has come on while my Russian has headed the opposite direction. Our first meeting lived to our expectations and I immediately knew my search was over. She kept me at an arm’s length, yet the charge in the air conveyed willingness for us to be together. I look at the pictures of us together on that first visit and the body language does not hide the fact that we were two strangers. The smiles are false and arms from both of us look lifeless. Contrast this with the photos from the subsequent visits – I cannot even describe the apparent energy oozing from our images. I would have known I found the one even if she was the first FSU lady I met because I had no doubt in mind that this was my destination. Although the other ladies were good, there were one or two things I was not sure about. At times, I was ready to settle for one of them and tried to convince myself that the doubts I had were minor and everything would be ok with time.

My FSU has made it clear that she would like to be a full time housewife and I am quite happy with this. I have explained to her that I am looking for a wife and not a housemaid and that it may be boring for her to stay at home. She explained to me that there is a lot that a woman can do in the house to make it into a home. When I offered to cook, I had to put my foot down to let her allow me to swap places. She loved my cooking and it has since become easier for me to persuade her to let me cook.

She always finds me out everytime I try to hide money in her purse – I will try a more sophisticated method next time. I have opened a second bank account and given her the debit card and the PIN, but she refuses to use it. Her reply is always ‘I don’t want your money, I only want you’.

She is so calm that she surprises even me. We came back to our apartment from eating out one night only to find the gate locked. I had no clue how to open it because I had paid very little attention when the landlady was explaining to me what codes to use for the outside gate and the apartment itself. After an hour and half waiting outside, I realized that the code was written on a small sticker on the bunch of keys I had in my pocket. When I asked her why she was not mad at me, she replied that she was not worried because we were together.

She is the one.

Posted by: deccie

For me it was the small things.

Wanting us to talk often and being upset when we couldn't.

Adoption of some of my phrases or ways of speaking without thinking about it.
(I've done the same)

Reaching for my arm in the middle of the night to make sure it was around her.

Those times when you start to complete each other's sentences.

Stuff like that.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Adoption of some of my phrases or ways of speaking without thinking about it.
Reaching for my arm in the middle of the night to make sure it was around her.

How true!!! When we speak, my English is different from the normal. Her accent just sends into a language that is similar to but not exactly English.

And the way she reaches for my arm in the middle of the night and trying to wrap it around her like a belt!

Posted by: Chrismc

GoeastLJ

You know what, I could have written that word for word nearly, I have the same feeling now about the lady I am communicating with, the only difference is that we won't meet until next Friday so I am a little behind you at the moment.

I have met a number of FSU women and the last one I thought was great, but it is no where near the feelings I have about this one, we email each other 10 - 20 times a day, send SMS's at all times, chat on MSN every night for over 2 hours and talk on the phone 2 -3 times per week.

When she has an event happening in her life, like last month her birthday, she lets me know where she is what she is doing and if we cannot hook up for a chat she tells me why that is. As an example she sent me an SMS on her birthday, we had talked on the phone during the day and early evening, but she wanted to chat on MSN later, but at 8pm our time (10pm their time) she sent me an SMS to say she was going dancing, but she said she was being a very good girl and explained what she was doing. I don't need that sort of information about her, I trust her implicitly but when I asked her about it the next day and told her it was a nice thing to do, she was tellng me so I was not waiting around for her to log on, she thought it was just normal and she did it because the small things make a big difference as she told me. That is one very small example of things she has done for me that don't seem a lot, but the care she shows means so much when you have been used to how women treat you back home.

Well time will tell and next Friday we shall know for sure if we are meant to be, but for now it does feel like she is 'THE' one, we have discussed every possible topic, there is nothing we don't really now about each other, if she isn't the one I am going to join a a monastary and become celibate, because it would be hard to find someone better

PS Hope to see you next weekend in Kiev GoeastLJ

Posted by: firemansam

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

SNIP

Well time will tell and next Friday we shall know for sure if we are meant to be, but for now it does feel like she is 'THE' one, we have discussed every possible topic, there is nothing we don't really now about each other, if she isn't the one I am going to join a a monastary and become celibate, because it would be hard to find someone better

Hey Chris!

When you find "The one", man you will never question it!

Maybe this is true in all relationships and maybe those of us who follow this road actually need to by design? But my friend, after the required number of failures, believe me....

YOU WILL KNOW!!!!

Now I sit with my fingers crossed that you have found your missing half

Good luck with your impending adventure!!!!!

Sam.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by firemansam

Good luck with your impending adventure!!!!!

Sam.

Thanks Matt I appreciate your good wishes, yes that's how it feels just now with this one, another 9 days and I hope to find out for sure

Posted by: royalpalace774

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

Thanks Matt I appreciate your good wishes, yes that's how it feels just now with this one, another 9 days and I hope to find out for sure

I hope you found the one also chris. You have been out there for a while and it's about time. I look forward to hearing your story unfold about your next trip. Good luck to you. Hopefully this is THE ONE!

Posted by: GentleGiant

I am green with envy, I hope I can find someone who makes me feel that way when i am with them; well, find someone new; I have had that, and lost it, and I was down for a long time afterwards.

Posted by: bingism

Quote:

Originally Posted by firemansam

how true.... 2 English girls + 3 Russian girls =

- I thought I'd met the one when I met Z, but there were some things I didn't like so much - I thought they would go away... they didn't...

- I thought I'd met the one when I met L, but there were some things I didn't like so much - I thought they'd go away... but... they didn't...

- I though I'd met someone that would be the one when I met M, but there were some things I didn't like so much - I thought they would become less important... but... again... they didn't...

- I thought I'd met someone who I could live with when I met Z2, but there were some things we both didn't like - we thought they'd change... but... once more... they didn't

- I don't even question the fact that I'm with the one..... enough said!!

I met J 12-months ago, but she was my student and I was a "professional" teacher. We sparked from the get go, but nothing ever happened. I could not forget her, even when I was with Z... this was especially the case when things were not so good and I'd often dream about J and how I should be with her. Turns out that she was much the same, we just hadn't told each other.

Long story short, thanks to Z and I finally splitting up for good, I decided that if I was going to be in Russia for the another 9 months or so, it wouldn't hurt to try my luck with the one I wanted to be with. Well, you wouldn't believe how much it took to open up, especially as she was suddenly my student again after a 5-month break.... let's just say that I'm glad I did. We're together, taking things ultra-slow, but just couldn't be happier

She's 23, I'm 31, so the age gap is just about OK.... we laugh, we play (like children I mean), we're perfect for each other. If it doesn't work out, it won't be because we don't want it to, but we're giving it a go

I was told once that when you meet "the one", little things just aren't annoying... they're endearing... all I can say is that J does some of the little things that Z used to do, but unlike when Z did them, they don't annoy me... weird

I wish you all the very best of happiness in your lives... I hope you feel what I'm feeling

(PS. thank God for a post that's on-topic

)

Posted by: royalpalace774

As far as thinking that I met the one. I am in the process of the K1 and if things go as I think they will, she should be here between January- May of 2007.

Things are great when I am with her in Odessa, but we will have to see what it is like living together for a few months. My gut instinct tells me it will work out fine and be OK. But that's what I am hoping for. You never know what's going to happen, but I will give it my best because I really want it to work out with my girl.

So far I had 2 trips to see her and I spent 30 days total with her. We have a great time together and it's very calm when we are together. But things can go different ways when she comes here. All I know is I'm giving it 1000% and I will do whatever it takes within reason for it to be successful.

I guess I will really know after she gets here and is living with me everyday in my town.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

PS Hope to see you next weekend in Kiev GoeastLJ

When I was speaking to L this afternoon, she reminded me that that week is an elections week and she just said she hopes it will be ok in Kiev. Hope to see you. I have your number.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Quote:

Originally Posted by GentleGiant2

I am green with envy, I hope I can find someone who makes me feel that way when i am with them; well, find someone new; I have had that, and lost it, and I was down for a long time afterwards.

The first lady I met completely took the stuffing out of me and I felt so low I nearly gave up. I went and met her again six month later when she contacted me. This was against the advice I got from this forum. Guess what, the same things that prevented the chemistry in the first meeting were still there. I have since learned that if you have doubts in your mind, then it is not right and there is no chance of things working.

However, the genuine, willing and beautiful are there waiting for similarly minded males. All you have to do is look.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoeastLJ

When I was speaking to L this afternoon, she reminded me that that week is an elections week and she just said she hopes it will be ok in Kiev. Hope to see you. I have your number.

God forbid I question your UW,....but my lady works for a TV channel and they are on this week, I will have to ask her if they continue into next week too? they probably do, but this is her busiest time of the year, so I doubt they would let her have time off next week and the week after if the elections were on from Thursday onwards??

I will find out for sure tomorrow though.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

Thanks RP...good to see things are working out for you too.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by bingism

I wish you all the very best of happiness in your lives... I hope you feel what I'm feeling

(PS. thank God for a post that's on-topic

)

Great post as usual Martyn.....good to see you have found someone too.

Posted by: Longfellow

Does your happiness depend on her happiness?

For me, this is the core question.

Posted by: EasyTarget

The only problem I have had, was when I thought she was the one...and then it turns out I wasn't the one for her.

I never understood love songs until I met her...now I am understanding the blues...

Posted by: Longfellow

Quote:

Originally Posted by EasyTarget

The only problem I have had, was when I thought she was the one...and then it turns out I wasn't the one for her.

I never understood love songs until I met her...now I am understanding the blues...

Well put.

Posted by: royalpalace774

Quote:

Originally Posted by Longfellow

Does your happiness depend on her happiness?

For me, this is the core question.

I just know that when my girl comes to be with me I will do my
5000% to make sure that she feels comfortable and hope that she settles in and is happy here with me.

It's a big thing for her to leave everything and start over here with me. They are giving up their friends & family to come to be with you.

WOW! I know if she told me that the only way we could be together is if I moved to the Ukraine I would have to tell her I could not do it. Think about that! What would you do in that situation?

Luckily I am not in that situation, but you just have to hope that when she settles in and arrives to be with you that everything goes smooth !

As far as your question here, for me I would have to say that I will give it my best and I am hoping she will be happy here . But if she isn't , there is nothing you can do except find out exactly why she might not be happy and correct it. You just can only do your best !

I am sure that there have been plenty of fsu women come to be with their possible husband and they went back to the Fsu. And then there are the ones who are very happy and stay.

No one knows what their future holds for them !

Posted by: Longfellow

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

Mine has actually suggested this to me... I cannot.
How to support a family and make a decent life without language and cultural skills?
We count on their faith to make this transition... it is the only thing that can outweigh the paralyzing fear that I would feel in their place.

Posted by: royalpalace774

Quote:

Originally Posted by Longfellow

WOW Longfellow, your girl asked you if you could move there . I would love to hear more about how that conversation went. Did you just flat out tell her it was impossible or did you say anything else.

I am just curious. I know that for me it is great to visit there, but I know one hundred percent that I could never live there. I love the visits everytime I go and my girl really wants to be in the states. She feels it will be better for her future to be here in every way. And she wants to have some kids. And I am ready to do that myself. And my girl was in the states 4 years ago married to a guy in P.A.. They lasted 8 months before she left him.

Do you think that your girl suggesting that means that she could possibly change her mind about leaving her country ?

I hope not. I hope she comes to be with you where you can both do good for your family togetherness.

Posted by: AkMike

As a suggestion fo many of you.. Time spent with IM's, TM's or phone time is all well and good but it's too easy to build up false impressions of what a person really is. You need face to face time! Tanya and I had 4 trips over a year before we made it happen. Maybe 3 months total.. 2 months in a row once. During all that time we never bickered any! Even now after knowing her since Nov 04 and married since Jan 05 we have yet to argue.
We talked of a possible future and she gave me the perfect answer as to where we would live. She said "anywhere as long as we are together"! We intend on eventually living in Ukraine during the summer and Alaska during the winter.

Posted by: Longfellow

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

Her suggestion has been to make home in Ukraine, Russia, Scandinavia, Europe.... she is very concerned to go so far from her parents as America. She has never had great desire to go to America. And she wants easiest adjustment for herself and children.
I have entertained such ideas but in the end had to explain that if I am to support this family, I cannot do it starting from 0. Here I have a home and career established. This is our biggest challenge and I know it is partly because of 'stories' she's been told about how different America is... she is scared. Who can blame her?
It is difficult... she is a girl of strong mind and I worry this might become our 'deal-breaker' if she doesn't develop greater faith in me and the promise for our life together.
We continue to discuss it.

Posted by: GoeastLJ

Quote:

Originally Posted by AkMike

As a suggestion fo many of you.. Time spent with IM's, TM's or phone time is all well and good but it's too easy to build up false impressions of what a person really is. You need face to face time! Tanya and I had 4 trips over a year before we made it happen. Maybe 3 months total.. 2 months in a row once. During all that time we never bickered any! Even now after knowing her since Nov 04 and married since Jan 05 we have yet to argue.
We talked of a possible future and she gave me the perfect answer as to where we would live. She said "anywhere as long as we are together"! We intend on eventually living in Ukraine during the summer and Alaska during the winter.

This is the reason why I arranged meetings as early as possible. You reach a stage where you have said all the important things and all that is missing is knowing the person.

It is impossible to understand the character just from the words that come out during the distant communication. As an example, I met one lady in Moscow who I had communicated with for about 3 months. I was 100% sure we would be a good match, but one simple thing happened when we were in a flat that changed my feelings for her. We took a lot of walks daily and our shoes were always muddy by the time we came back to the flat. On one such day, we got back and left out muddy shoes in the hall. After a few minutes' rest, I took both pairs and wiped them clean of the mud. When we came back from our walk the following day, my lady friend only cleaned her shoes. I didn't think she intentionally did this - I think it was just that she was not used to being with other people. I added that small incident to the other insignificant ones and that was the end of us.

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrismc

GoeastLJ

My lady's words about the elections:- elections will finish on Sunday so I hope next week will be quiet in Kiev but well I think in any case they will some political mass-meetings at the Maydan - that is the main square in Kiev

That is what she has just told me, so next weekend should be ok.

Chris

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

RP, I would caution two things here.. One, when your lady does come to live with you it WILL NOT "go smooth". There will be tears most likely, there will be crying. Culture shock is real. Expect it. Plan for it.

Secondly, I question your 5000%. What does that mean? Does that mean you would happily do all the housework after you finish paying the bills while your FSU lady stays in bed? How would you feel if that were to happen for 6 months? Sure, you do need to "step up to the plate" after the move and you will be the primary support for your partner. I know most guys say they gave up most of their interests for the first year of marriage. But I would also stress that this should be a relationship built around both people contributing. Either you, or both of you will end up resenting it otherwise.

Posted by: royalpalace774

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Hi Deccie,
I guess you didn't see other posts I made, but my girl has been here in the United States for 12 months when she was married before in Philadelphia.
She was here 4 years ago married to a guy and it didn't work out. She knows what to expect. She has been to Disney in Florida 5 times and to about 14 more states and spent a little time there because the guy she was married to took her on some business trips with him. So culture shock for her has happened all ready. She asked if there was a blockbuster video store by my house and I said there was one around the corner. She has a card to rent videos.

As far as my 5000% I meant that within reason of course. I'm pretty sure my girl is a contributor in all respects and she speaks perfect English. And I am expecting some tears but at the same time I know she has been here and done this before so she is miles ahead of an FSU women who has never been here. So I'm not to worried about the culture shock. She is asking me about certain shopping stores that she liked in Philadelphia and wants to know if they have the same stores in my town. Wallmart, Cosco, Blockbuster Video, etc.

Also another good thing is that I do 90% of my work in my house and I am home for my job. She won't have to be alone without me when she gets here. And if she needs her space and wants some alone time I can take her to a shopping center or a mall or anywhere she wants to go and pick her up any time she wants. My girl loves to venture by herself and see what is around.

But I am expecting some days to be good and I am sure there will be some days not so good. I will just have to deal with it when it happens.

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

Hi Deccie,
I guess you didn't see other posts I made, but my girl has been here in the United States for 12 months when she was married before in Philadelphia.
.

Your correct RP. Much though I do enjoy your posts I really don't have enough time to catch up on everthing I would like. Based on what you've said though you are defintely ahead of the game. I wish you luck with it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

Also another good thing is that I do 90% of my work in my house and I am home for my job. She won't have to be alone without me when she gets here. And if she needs her space and wants some alone time I can take her to a shopping center or a mall or anywhere she wants to go and pick her up any time she wants. My girl loves to venture by herself and see what is around.

Again, not sure of your exact circumstances but home offices can be dangerous if the woman is not used to it since they see you as "home" it becomes very tempting to ask you to help with all the home tasks and not focus on your work. You'll need to set very clear expectations. I know a mate of mine tried home based work. He gave up after a month. He never got any work done as his wife was always asking for help with home tasks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by royalpalace774

But I am expecting some days to be good and I am sure there will be some days not so good. I will just have to deal with it when it happens.

Ain't that the truth.
Again, best of luck with it! Hopefully sometime soon we see you following the trend of not posting here so often because your happily married and too busy! If your ever going to leave RMP - that's certainly the best way!

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by Longfellow

Does your happiness depend on her happiness?

For me, this is the core question.

Really? Sorry, I don't believe you. I don't think your quite that altruistic.
Or are you a closet masochist?

I can't imagine you being happy if your wife's happiness depends on spending all your salary on makeup and cosmetics each month. I'm not saying she would do that but please acknowledge your own needs in this equation otherwise your just engaging in self decepetion.

Posted by: French_Misha

The problem is that we often know that she is NOT the one, yet we delude ourselves into thinking that things will change at some point in the future after the marriage. This is the mistake I did with my first marriage: I did not love her, but was desperate. I thought that in time I would love her and that the things that I did not like about her would go away. They never did. If only I had been smarter and had listened to my doubts.

Posted by: sidney

We should probably start a new thread.
How do you know she is not the one?
That's one that many of us could add to from past failures.
Sid

Posted by: Chrismc

Quote:

Originally Posted by French_Misha

The problem is that we often know that she is NOT the one, yet we delude ourselves into thinking that things will change at some point in the future after the marriage.

I think you just about nailed it there