Don't ask don't tell?

Originally Posted by nflcolts

Ok, I haven’t seen this in a thread. How much of a person past relationships is relevant to that persons existing relationship? I am not talking about anything criminal!!! I only want to read your opinion about what you believe you should voluntarily share with your partner about personal matters that occurred before your meeting i.e. money, sex, politics. I told my RW I was married, but I did not tell her I had been married twice, she never ask! So I did not feel my first marriage was a issue. I did not want to have conversations that would make her feel uncomfortable. So I did not speak of this marriage, sort of like the don’t ask don’t tell policy! And when she found out about this marriage It was 20 years ago. She busted my balls so to speak! Also I did not tell her about a step-son in my second marriage! So how could I have prevented this from happening? If I adapt the policy of telling her everything about my past. We won’t ever talk about our future, I am 40 years old! I made mistakes in my life that I am not proud of! And I do not feel that it is necessary to go around airing out my laundry! But I would tell my RW anything if the subject was brought up, and she ask. I want to know your thoughts about this subject! Do you dwell in the past or do you look towards the future? I will get off this soap box before I fall. What say you?

Originally Posted by Ade

Hi,

I'd think everything of this nature would come out in normal conversations with an adult who was a prospective partner, especially when you're not a kiddie anymore.

What's to hide? It's the truth, and if it is stuff that is genuinely in the past, then the other person has to be able to accept that too if you're going to have a functional relationship.

Lots of people have 'history' that they wish wasn't so - but it is part of their lives, and to deny or hide it is to falsify yourself!!

Ade

Originally Posted by nflcolts

I believe that if the information has no bearing in the relationship its just words! No need to froce the past into the relationship at hand. I would not feel comfortable asking questions about my RW past. Unless this was the subject of a conversation. I think every detail will show throughout the relationship. Unless you were in a intergation room you would not expect a normal conversation to start out by saying (Tell me about the persons you have sleep with during the past 20 years!) I am not saying that this question was ever spoken. I was only amased that I was back into a corner about my past. I want to know every detail about the lady I will marry. But I
understand that these details will present themselfs throughout the relationship. As I have said I am 40 years old and to tell about everything I have done in my life (good and bad) would take another 40! Then I would be dead or very close to death. I would rather spend my time building a good relationship rather than spending time talking about the past relations with other people! As I have said I would never ask, Who have you sleep with before you sleep with me? But I think woman in more so than men want these answers. I may be wrong to think or say this, but that is my conclusion. It is as if the woman are a little bit insecure about what they offer to the relationship. But I also understand that they will give up all that they have for the relationship at hand. So I take the questions with a grain of salt. I love my M and we will marry June 20. She has been approve for her visa. And these are some of the issuse that have been raised. But aint love grand?

Originally Posted by Zmejka

Adding to everything above you should feel lucky that your lady passed the interview smoothly. If she didn't know about your first mrriage (only about the second) and the counsul asked her about your marriages (they like to ask questions to see how deep you know each other) and she would of course tell only about one marriage then she would get into a trouble, that wouldn't be a good sign for a counsul. I wonder why you didn't take that fact into consideration.
And i personally would take this as a matter of trust. He didn't tell once something quite important - will it be repeated in the future? But also i would look deeper into my own attitude to things - is my reaction so negative or so that he might be afraid to tell me the truth? How do i deal with what he has to say to me? Do i accept it or deny? So this is an issue for both to think about in my opinion.

Originally Posted by GoingToRussia

It is my opinion but I think FSU women are more curious then American women, not insecure. FSUW tend to seek knowledge and therefore many questions about past relationships, your hobbies, your work, the weather, where you live, and such things we might think are trivial.

Originally Posted by weather-7

Yes, they are normally curious. I always ask questions to get more information because I want to know more about people. At the same time I'm a very open person to answer the questions from the other side. I think people become closer when they trust each other and know everything about each other. And to the point, I'd prefer to know the information from my man and not from other people( especially if it's not a pleasant information)

Originally Posted by Cheburashka

Did I miss something? I don't see the tongue lashing on this thread. It seems like everyone posted their opinion..just what you asked them to do. And I gather from your reaction that you have no intention of telling her these things before you get married. So what? It's your life Colts and I hope you don't dictate it by what some people on the Internet have written.

Glad you found a great lady. We wish you all the best. Keep us posted on your progress. You deserve to be happy.