,,With a Heavy Heart - Russian Ukrainian Belarus Travel Music Woman Dating News

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,,With a Heavy Heart
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Posted by: estguy

Guys, its with a Heavy Heart I join this forum. I've read and grown to respect the owners and participants, for this reason I submit my delema. I met a gal on the internet a year ago, UA-Dating. Nice whole some looking girl, after a few weeks of trading daily e-mail, I called her, first weekly then a few times a week. After several weeks of calling, and becomeing more mutually affectionate,,I said come to America and visit me (DOO!!) OK, I figured out the visa deal,,so I proposed a meeting in Jamaica (who wants to visit Dnepropetrovsk in Winter) As i sat in the Jamaican airport, long after the last passanger cleared customs, believing now my romantic encountered had turned into a golf vacation, and I had been scammed out of $1500 bucks,then,,My Yuliya appeared : ) We spendt a perfect week together. I think the third nite we became lovers,,not too quick,,both nervous. I took papers for visa with me, in case things went as well as I hoped. When we parted I sadi we should have a visa in 2 months, I'll see you sson. When I got back to the states,,I discovered NEBRASKA HELL. SO, not to be disuaded, I asked Yuliay,,hey,,lets go on another vacation,, she proposed Domincan Republic. Another fantastic week, like old freinds meeting. We spendt the long summer waiting for visa approval talking on the phone twice a day. We finally get visa, inteview, she arrives the day befor Thanksgiving. But she's now somewhat different,,even from 2 days befor,,I think, very sad about leaving her family. I asked if she slept on plane,,she said,,no mostly cried. The first week we kept pretty busy, cooking turkey, shopping, showing her the city. She was making freinds on the interent, calling home, sending e-mails. She still seemed sad, but said a little better. Really a shell of the fun happy girl I remebered. Her phone conversation became longer and longer, with new, Russian girls living in America. SHe would talk for hours with these girls, but she shared very little about who, or what the conversations were. I would see her psoting messages ona bulliten board,,Russian Women Abroad,, but everthings was in Russian. Monday 12/8 nearly 2 weeks into her stay,,we go to my sons HS basketball game, come home she cooks dinner, we go to the University and swim get home at 9:30,,she calls a freind in Misouri,,she's on till midnight,,I say "Yuiliya,,time for bed",,she says,,5 minutes,,I wait 30, and go to bed, she comes to bed at 1:00. The next morning I wake at 7:30, have coffee come back to room at 8:45 adn ask her if she is going to work, she says no, I will sleep,,(she's been working in my business) I hesitate and say firmly but politely,, "I'm not at all happy about this" and leave, I let a door close not very gentley down stairs,but didn't for sure slam it. I came home at lunch time,,she's sitting on the couch,,she says "I want to go home" I'm still a little beefed about the late call and no show for work,,most of the conversation is about working on this for a year and throwing it away,,,she says,, our character do not match well . The next 2 days she doesn't eat, rarely talks, sleeps adn stays on the couch all day, she looks in a totally depressed state. At this point I am seriously worried about her health, friday I sit by her on the couch, take her in my arms, and tell her, I didn't bring her to AMerica to be unhappy, I will buy you a ticket home. Next morning we get to travel agent at 9:30 pick up ticket for next day,,and she's back to her happy self,,,FREE !! We talk about our love for each other, she asked me to start on a new visa, that this will be only a breif break, so she can get her equilibrium back.
SO where do I go ? I am very hurt that she left, maybe I should have tried to delay it. Now,,maybe someone who knows Russian,, I found a "English site" Russian Woman Abroad,,and every lady is posting horrible notes about how they hate thier lives in America,,just sad, sad stories. Any one now anything about this,,because I believe it put my girl over the edge.
Thanks for the long disert

Posted by: Woody

My heart goes out to you. Things haven't turned out exactly as expected but it's not all over.
What is clear from your experience is that you only met her on two occasions and they were holidays. In retrospect, it is easy to say that it might have been an idea to visit her in her home town prior to her "permanent" move. Meet her friends, her family and see her in her own environment. Who knows anyway? What I would say is that you have to deal with what is present and not what is past.

There is no denying that there are great difficulties dealing with a change of culture and the emotional ties to friends and family back home. It looks as though your RW was having a very difficult time and she found consolation in communication with those of the same background. It is easy to look elsewhere when attempting to place blame for your predicament.

Personally, I think you did the right thing in letting her return home with grace. However, with her back home there is no reason why communication has to end. Make the effort to pick up the telephone and talk to her about how she feels.
Something surprising may happen.

It is a reminder to us all of the emotional stresses and strains involved in moving from one continent to another

Clive

Posted by: Jim_FL

Quote:

Originally posted by estguy
SO where do I go ? I am very hurt that she left, maybe I should have tried to delay it. Now,,maybe someone who knows Russian,, I found a "English site" Russian Woman Abroad,,and every lady is posting horrible notes about how they hate thier lives in America,,just sad, sad stories. Any one now anything about this,,because I believe it put my girl over the edge.
Thanks for the long disert

Hindsight is often 20/20 so I won't badger you about percieved mistakes in handling your relationship up to this point, but I can help you understand a little about why you are probably right here, right now. Please take the time to read through the following links and see if any lightbulbs go off

Culture Shock for your Russian Wife
UNDERSTANDING CULTURE SHOCK
Dealing With Culture Shock

Posted by: ConnerVT

Great links, Jim. Some very interesting reading. The second one even gives some insight to the dangers of spending too much time with "hostile, disenchanted ex-pats" (sure sounds like RWA to me!).

Estguy, I feel sorry for the situation you're in. You can not change the past, you only can learn from it. The best you can do is proceed from the present, and make the best decisions you can today. It seems like you are the kind of person who does things that way. I wish you both the best.

Posted by: Vyesna

The Russian forum at Russian Women Abroad (called "Between Us, Girls") is a high traffic forum with some regulars (including me) and is not disgruntled women for the most part. But there are so many different women that post there from time to time in so many different situations (some not having even arrived in the U.S. yet) that you cannot generalize about the participants. I'm not sure what English site you were looking at, but I think it was not the one tied to the same site, b/c mostly men post there.

Posted by: Jim_FL

Quote:

Originally posted by sean mcgann

True,but aren't the vast majority of anti depressants in America consumed by American women (prozac nation).

Gee, if thats not a glowing endorsement of American men

Posted by: Redriveroutlaw

I have the same fears as you are experiencing. I visited Angelika last month in Krasnodar and she actually brought it up to me about missing her family, friends and life if and when she moves to America. We talked for a while and decided it might be best for her to stay in Russia until she believes she is ready to come over, I don't badger her in the least or show that I really want her to come here. I only show her support and let her know I will always be there.

We became very close while I was in Krasnodar, but she was in HER enviornment, so she felt comfortable. Who knows how she will feel when she is isolated from all of that.

I have concerns of my own, one of them being the fact that I live in a very small town (<25,000) I don't live in L.A. or New York, but I am close to Dallas/Ft.Worth, OKC and Amarillo, TX. So it's not like I'm in the middle of nowhere.

I applaud you for allowing you to let her work with you at your job, but do you think that is the right thing to do? I think some time apart during the day makes the evenings even more exciting, you have more to talk about, share each others experience of the day etc....

Thanks for your post, you shared the downside of bringing a lady to the U.S.

Posted by: Troy

I did kind of the opposite as to what some have mentioned here. I did badger my wife almost every time we talked on the phone attempting to make her realize/visualize that she may not ever return home again. Maybe I needed the reassurance for myself, but I also wanted to make sure just how big of a commitment she was making and to let her know that I was very serious about her. I talked in pretty good detail about how I visualize things going and in contexts of time. I guess I had to ensure that her head was on straight and this was not a dream (i.e., things will be difficult), and thus reaffirming my choice.

I suppose though that a lot of it does depend on the girl. It seems that I have made a good choice so far. Perhaps with the wrong girl, it would not have mattered what I said.

As it turns out now, she does miss home often, but it is definitely not to the extent as your wife is experiencing. In fact, she talks almost daily about how she feels it is best to not ever return. In return, I tell her how much I appreciate her and for taking such a big chance on us.

Troy

Posted by: Vyesna

Quote:

Originally posted by Troy
I did kind of the opposite as to what some have mentioned here. I did badger my wife almost every time we talked on the phone attempting to make her realize/visualize that she may not ever return home again. Maybe I needed the reassurance for myself, but I also wanted to make sure just how big of a commitment she was making and to let her know that I was very serious about her. I talked in pretty good detail about how I visualize things going and in contexts of time. I guess I had to ensure that her head was on straight and this was not a dream (i.e., things will be difficult), and thus reaffirming my choice.

I suppose though that a lot of it does depend on the girl. It seems that I have made a good choice so far. Perhaps with the wrong girl, it would not have mattered what I said.

As it turns out now, she does miss home often, but it is definitely not to the extent as your wife is experiencing. In fact, she talks almost daily about how she feels it is best to not ever return. In return, I tell her how much I appreciate her and for taking such a big chance on us.

Troy

You mean not even go back for visits?

Posted by: estguy

You have Private mesages

Posted by: Troy

Quote:

Originally posted by Vyesna
You mean not even go back for visits?

Yes.

Posted by: Vyesna

Why?

Posted by: Troy

Quote:

Originally posted by Troy
Yes.

I don't know why. It is just how she feels. She fears that we will somehow get separated.

Posted by: Vyesna

Quote:

Originally posted by Troy
I don't know why. It is just how she feels. She fears that we will somehow get separated.

I have to admit, I don't get it-- you could go back for visits together, for example, but whatever.

Posted by: Troy

Quote:

Originally posted by Vyesna
I have to admit, I don't get it-- you could go back for visits together, for example, but whatever.

Well, we have discussed this, but she is not comfortable returning. So, who knows? Anyway, I have learned to not argue with a pregnant, ukrainian woman. It is much safer....

Posted by: Khashyar

Dear Estguy...

There were some very good thoughts and feedback posted in this thread by others...

(It was very helpful to hear from the women and tor eceive their opinion)...

My wife Lena also sometimes misses her family and friends, but... nearly all immigrants go through a process of building a new life, meeting and making new friends, finding their place in their new country...

I think that it might be too early for her to go back, because it will jeapardize her fiance visa and require much more time to bring her back to the U.S....

Are there things you can do to make her life easier like introducing her to Russian friends, allowing her to call home more often, and registering her into an English language school where she can make new friends?

Of course, she has the right to change her mind about living in a new country, but... I think that it is important that she is certain of her decision before she goes back, because it will take much more time for the two of you to be reunited if she changes her mind...

Also... she is welcome to write her thoughts in the Russian language part of this forum, and Lena will respond to her questions...

Khashyar

Posted by: Jutman

Hi sorry to hear that your love has problem.

You don't tell what you talked about in mails and over phone. Did you talk about future, what you both want and so on. If not, that was a mistake.
Secondly I would say a vacation is a bad way to meet, because you not meet under normal conditions.
A third i fall over in your story, was she arrived at thanks giving. Sorry, but that also not good. Rigth into a american holiday.
Fourth you left her alone !!! and you very quickly let her helped in your business. Both an error in my book.

So what to do. I understand you want and she too, to rescue the relationship. I would say that you have to go to her city for a minimum of a week. When she comes back to you, hopefully, you have to take 2 or 3 weeks off. Take time to be alone. Show her how much she mean to you.
You also need to discuss what you want in future, family ? what she want in life/ job. Maybe she don't want to work in your business. Let her decide and accept decision.

Finally I read as you it all is on american condition. Maybe when you visit her city you but ukrainian stuff to decorate home. Go at internet to find places where you can buy food, music and film.
- Then you make a slow change for you and not let her leave everything. Maybe you try to find a russian club in your area.

So I think you need to educate yourself a little into cultural difference and then be ready to adjust youe life a little.

Good luck with it.

Posted by: D in KS

How many men can take off 5 to 6 weeks weeks a year and still keep their jobs and pay the bills? I know several of the men on this forum are self employed, but even if you have your own business to much time off and you will lose everything. It is very expensive to invest in starting, building and continuing a relationship like this. How do you pay for all of this if you have to keep taking weeks at a time off from work? I know my ex lost everything he had financially by taking off on these trips to visit his Ukrainian love. Most companies only allow two weeks a year off at the most. These are questions I have when ever I see someone on the forum mention taking a trip to the FSU for two or more weeks. I understand and believe that it takes time to get to know a person (even then you might not truly know them) but how do you keep things from falling apart at home? I don't think the "average" american man could take this much time from his work and still be able to support any woman. Even in their home environment people can pretend to be someone they are not. Debbie

Posted by: searcher

Quote:

Originally posted by D in KS
How many men can take off 5 to 6 weeks weeks a year and still keep their jobs and pay the bills? I know several of the men on this forum are self employed, but even if you have your own business to much time off and you will lose everything. It is very expensive to invest in starting, building and continuing a relationship like this. How do you pay for all of this if you have to keep taking weeks at a time off from work? I know my ex lost everything he had financially by taking off on these trips to visit his Ukrainian love. Most companies only allow two weeks a year off at the most. These are questions I have when ever I see someone on the forum mention taking a trip to the FSU for two or more weeks. I understand and believe that it takes time to get to know a person (even then you might not truly know them) but how do you keep things from falling apart at home? I don't think the "average" american man could take this much time from his work and still be able to support any woman. Even in their home environment people can pretend to be someone they are not. Debbie

Exactly,

I will be going to Russia later and I can only stay for 10 days. I would like to stay longer but I simply can't. I also have custody of my children and my mother can only watch them for a certain amount of time alone.

Posted by: Redriveroutlaw

I have several friends who are married to Thai ladies, the ladies go home for 4-5 weeks every couple of years and the guy comes over and stays a week or 2 and then they fly back to the states together. That seems the most logical thing to do.