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What constitutes a successfull marriage?
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Posted by: deccie

A post of Ira's in another thread got me thinking about a term many use but few define what it actually means to them. I think it will have a wide and varied understanding depending on many things including spirituality.

So, I wanted to ask explicitly what others think is meant by the term "a successfull marriage".

Some general comments by me and my own understanding of what I myself think in this situation.

1. Does it just mean you stay legally married until the end of your life? Many people stay married and are very, very unhappy. I don't think they have a successfull marriage.

2. Does it mean you live in the same household or even the same bed?
Again, I don't think this is absolutely essential. There can be many reasons for living apart. Including work, national duty, medical, safety, physical limitations, incarceration and I'm sure others I haven't thought of as to why couples need to be apart. I don't think being apart of necessity means a marriage has failed.

3. Is it time based?
For example, a couple are happily married for 40 years. One day they quarrel and the husband storms off and starts to pack his bags. As he goes to leave he has a heart attack and dies. Was their marriage successfull or not? If he had lived, they probably would have made up and come back together BUT THEY DIDN'T GET THAT CHANCE.

4. What about when people love each other dearly but they just grow apart with different life goals and directions? If they are adult enough to recognise they do want different things and they want to separate amicably, did the marriage succeed or fail?

5. Do you have to stay together until one partner dies? So, what about when you get old and you may not be physically able to care for one another?

I just wanted to throw some examples out there and see what people think.
I'm truly interested in the responses.

Posted by: nocomfortzone

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

A post of Ira's in another thread got me thinking about a term many use but few define what it actually means to them. I think it will have a wide and varied understanding depending on many things including spirituality.

So, I wanted to ask explicitly what others think is meant by the term "a successfull marriage".

Yes, very interesting question.
I find it fascinating what people think, (if they think at all) about what there terms of relationships, partners, life time partner or marriage means to a person. For the most part i think over 80% of people are like sheep and don't think about these things and just inherit ideas and what to do in life from popular culture. So many pre-conceived ideas and not many people question where they get their own beliefs from so when i found myself crossing paths on the internet with a Ukraine girl i found very interesting to talk to but also her writing, using terms like husband, marriage as if i'd automatically be on the same page i had to let her know that i don't neccessarily follow what other people do in life and i'd never thought of seriously getting married to anyone despite knowing myself i'm only really interested in life time relationships. Nevertheless for most people i know that automatically means marriage to them so i got my own ideas from observing other people inside and outside my family to what i'd consider a successful marriage. Personally i don't think the label of marriage is important to me and all that really matters
is whether a person in a relationships feels good about it and whether it is successful to them. I've never been married myself, one women who i loved thought she could talk me into it but i knew long term her direction in life and dreams were going to be different to mine. That to me was a successful relationship as i've always felt good about going seperate paths in life and feeling good about it in my heart when i look back. Personally to me a successful *relationship* is one you feel good about being involved with and feel you grew as a person and loved the experience you shared together. Also when you think of that person you think fondly of them i nyour heart even if you are no longer in love with them.
Apply the same to whatever a marriage means to any individual and i think that is what is important. If someone looks backs and regrets having a particular relationship and feels like they wish they never got involved with the other person i feel that is very sad. I never understand how people can feel like they hate someone they say the once loved. Maybe they never really loved the other person deeply and it was a different type of attraction. But i hear it often and i feel grateful i'll never feel that way in life.

Quote:

Some general comments by me and my own understanding of what I myself think in this situation.

1. Does it just mean you stay legally married until the end of your life? Many people stay married and are very, very unhappy. I don't think they have a successfull marriage.

I can't see how being being unhappy can possibly be considered being successful.

Quote:

3. Is it time based?

Well it usually takes some time for a relationship to deepen to a point where both people love each other. Whether it is 6months or a couple of years or many many decades all that really matters is they felt happy together, grew together as people and shared loving expierences. That to me is successful.

Quote:

4. What about when people love each other dearly but they just grow apart with different life goals and directions? If they are adult enough to recognise they do want different things and they want to separate amicably, did the marriage succeed or fail?

Sounds successful to me if they felt good about it all when they look back at their time shared together and happy about their future paths.

Quote:

I just wanted to throw some examples out there and see what people think.
I'm truly interested in the responses.

Yes, i'm always interested to hear what many people think about relationships. Great thread, although i would have made it more general to ask what each person considers a successful relationship.
I'll watch in with great interest.

Posted by: ira156

Well Decci you got my response from the above mentioned post. But to be quite honest i dont think its a very objective thread ...although you will get quiet a few responses i would guess.

But its a bit like how longs a piece of string. I dont think you will get too many that will agree on what a Marriage is full stop let alone what is successful....its really just so relevent to the individual.

Marriage to me means you love someone enough to commit to them ( for me for the rest of my life)...and the commitment is such that you do everything you can to make sure that love lasts. Doesnt matter if its in a church...a registery office ...or just between the two people involved.

Posted by: ira156

Hey and dont cop out Decci ....whats it mean to you?????

Posted by: Texas Proud

LOL>......

OK.. I read the subject and the first thing that popped into my head....

YOU DON'T KILL EACH OTHER!!!!

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

LOL>......

OK.. I read the subject and the first thing that popped into my head....

YOU DON'T KILL EACH OTHER!!!!

LOL LOL...then again you are from Texas

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by ira156

Hey and dont cop out Decci ....whats it mean to you?????

Heh, Was hoping to doge that one. (-: THANKS IRA!

Perhaps like many other of my life views I don't think there are any hard and fast rules for this. That, btw, includes Texas Proud's comments about not killing each other. I know the many evangelicals on this board won't agree with me but courts in Australia, whilst certainly imposing penalities, have accepted that there have been cases where one partner killed the other out of love. i.e. A euthanasia scenario.

However, I don't want to complicate the discussion about relationships to involve another dicussion about another highly contentious issue so I will for the main part try to keep it simple.

A successfull relationship for me is really just one where both parters fully commit themselves to each other and they give it their best efforts. It does not mean to me that they stay together for their entire lives, for some of the reasons I outlined in my first post.

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by ira156

But its a bit like how longs a piece of string. I dont think you will get too many that will agree on what a Marriage is full stop let alone what is successful....its really just so relevent to the individual.

This is exactly my point Ira. I am not looking for agreement! How can we compare one man's or one woman's situation to another we might might be talking from two completely different viewpoints and expectations.

Posted by: I/O

Deccie: You have baited the hook for the trout to rise. What is a successful relationship, what is a successful marriage, what is a successful trip to the FSU to meet a lady?

Success is an abstract matter. If one applies success to the overall process of marriage or a relationship or search it might best be defined as absence of failure. Having been married successfully for 10 years and the marriage having ultimately failed, I would not describe that as success. IMO it was a failure.

Success could and IMO should be defined upon the original objective. Most people who marry expect to stay that way for the term of their natural life, thus a marriage ending earlier than that is not successful. The same applies to a search or a trip. If one doesn't find what they want then it is not a success.

It is entirely dependent on the original objective and, yes, I am a hard marker.

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Heh, Was hoping to doge that one. (-: THANKS IRA!

OH Oh you are a very slippery one Decci. I agree 100% thats probably my definition of a successful relationship.....but what to you is a successful MARRIAGE?????

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by I/O

Success could and IMO should be defined upon the original objective. Most people who marry expect to stay that way for the term of their natural life, thus a marriage ending earlier than that is not successful. The same applies to a search or a trip. If one doesn't find what they want then it is not a success.

But the realities of life are that most partners do not die together. In fact the reality is that most women outlive their husbands, So, at least on this plane of existence there will be one partner most likely who outlives another. So one partner will NOT be married for their term of their natural lives.

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by ira156

OH Oh you are a very slippery one Decci. I agree 100% thats probably my definition of a successful relationship.....but what to you is a successful MARRIAGE?????

Well it is a hard question for me to answer because at the moment I am not, and have not been married. I know many say that being married changes how they feel about their relationship. So for me right now my feelings on marriage are exactly the same as a relationship. But I expect that to change over time as our relationship and marriage matures.

However, ask me on June 16th and my feelings may have changed. (-:

Yup, this is the date I say goodbye to Batchelorhood!

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Well congrats Decci.

Posted by: Thorburn

In my mind there is a big difference between marriage and a relationship. I find it sad that so many people do not share this view.

In everyday life people don't talk about a successful marriage. They talk about how long they have been married and they may make a point of the fact that they are happily married. Hence I'd say, length of marriage and both being happy are measures of success.

For me personally I view marriage as the intent to stay married for life. Of course it doesn't always work out but one should have the intention and do their best to have a happy and long marriage.

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thorburn

In my mind there is a big difference between marriage and a relationship. I find it sad that so many people do not share this view.

In everyday life people don't talk about a successful marriage. They talk about how long they have been married and they may make a point of the fact that they are happily married. Hence I'd say, length of marriage and both being happy are measures of success.

For me personally I view marriage as the intent to stay married for life. Of course it doesn't always work out but one should have the intention and do their best to have a happy and long marriage.

Yes i agree mate ...but i think unfortunately people have replaced the word commit with intend...for me a big difference.

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thorburn

Thorburn, I agree with everything you and Ira have said. But I also think you have to have experienced marriage or be currently married to know how it changes the depth of your feelings for another person. Until then it is all guesswork and supposition. I'm still at the guesswork phase for another few months at least. Hence why I limited my comments to just relatioships.
Ira, Belated thanks for the thanks. (as it were).

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

No worries Decci...if you think marriage changes you wait till you have kids

Posted by: deccie

Quote:

Originally Posted by ira156

No worries Decci...if you think marriage changes you wait till you have kids

Um, yeah. We have talked about that. My guess is we won't be waiting too long.

I would prefer two if we can. However we have Rh Factor incompatibility so we will need to watch that and get the needle to prevent complications. (It doesn't always work either) The Rh factor question was something I got asked very early on in things.

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by deccie

Um, yeah. We have talked about that. My guess is we won't be waiting too long.

I have already got 4...but one more is fine with me....i am concerned though as i have a severly handicapped son and know the problems that this can bring. Saying that he has made me and my kids better people. Good Luck

Posted by: Turboguy

I think success is a personal term that has meaning for each of us that is different from the other.

Time, to me it is meaningless. I was in a marriage for 18 years that others would have considered successful. To me, inside that marriage, every day was like being in hell. Someone can have a long marriage and that does not measure success. Someone can be very happily married for 2 years when one partner dies in a wreck and it was a successful marriage.

Someone mentioned commitment. Again commitment and fidelity does not make a happy marriage. You could have two people who are both into swinging and both have different partners every night and if it is what they want and they are both extreamly happy with the life and happy together then it is successful. It is just not something I would want, could accept or would make me happy.

Staying on the committment thing for a bit. I mentioned I was married for 18 years. To the best of my knowlege my wife was faithful during that time. This might sound strange, but I used to wish she would have an affair. When I tried to have a meaningful discussion to try to fix some of the core problems in our marriage and to try to get it to at least a tolerable point she refused to discuss any issues. All she would ever throw out at me was "I could be like my cousin Norma" (Norma bedded most every guy she could find and had two kids in her marriage neither of which were her husbands) That was why I sorta wished she could have an affair, so she could not use that for an excuse and would discuss the real issues. I got very tired of hearing about Norma.

To me, successful is when two people have genuine feelings for each other and thier life is better than it would be alone. When they are emotionally committed to thier relationship and are glad each day that they have each other.

I have seen realtionships where the two fought like cats and dogs but love the making up part and each other. What is happiness to one is not to another but it is being happy in our own definition of happiness.

Sometimes we don't even realize what we have. I recall a story I read long ago about a woman who for the most part was happy in her marriage but her husband snored terribly. She always complained to her neighbors and family about how terrible her life was with the snoring. Well one day he died unexpectadly. For years she laid awake at night wishing she could hear that snorning next to her and missing it and him horribly. Success is not perfect, it is when we are there because we want to be and not because we feel we have to be.