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Is this fear normal?
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Posted by: Andy72

Hello people,

I need advices, so that I know if I should worry or not :-) Following a previous invitation from her (but now I wonder if that was a real invitation) I started talking to my dear Ylia about meeting (our first meeting), and my intention is to go to her town next june or anyway in the summer. She lives in a town not far from Chelyabinsk, is 32 years old and works as an accountant for a local insurance company.

First thing she asked me if I was serious about it, since it's pretty far and (she says) not the pretties place to go to. Took me a while to make her realize I was serious and then she sounded really happy about it, but at the same time she started asking if I was sure about going there and not want to meet in a different larger city (like Moscow or St. Petersburg), and she told me that I could be bored or consider it a waste of time and money once I spend some days in and around her town, or even don't like her if I don't like the place (?)... and she stated this and asked different times in different ways, that's why I wonder now... She said she wasn't asking to me about a paid vacation elsewhere, but she was really worried about me "wasting time and money" (and this worried she sounded to me on the phone). Could she be really this worried about it, or just plain insecure, or something else?

I have information about her region (included facts of nuclear waste pollution and closed towns) and even talked to people who already visited around there, I love to travel an I've been around and abroad but never to Russia; so this is really excting for me for different reasons.

Do I worry for nothing? Should I ignore this and go ahead, talk to her again about it, get more information about her place and her fears... or what should I do to understand her, or to reassure her, or there is a different problem here that I don't get.

Little confused...

Posted by: Jim_FL

Quote:

Originally posted by Andy72

Do I worry for nothing?

In my opinion, you worry for nothing, and I will explain why, below

Quote:

Originally posted by Andy72

Should I ignore this and go ahead, talk to her again about it, get more information about her place and her fears... or what should I do to understand her, or to reassure her, or there is a different problem here that I don't get.

Little confused...

You should go ahead with your plans to visit but understand these few things.......
MOST guys don't ever bother to go, on many message boards similar to this one they are refered to as "keyboard romeos". MOST women will not fully believe you are relly coming until you are standing in the airport in front of them. (your Yulia seems a little more trusting

)

Most women from small towns are a little self-concious about their homes after seeing so many movies about life in the west. I was told over, and over, and over, how I would hate my wife's town because it is small and not beautiful, and there is nothing to do there. Actually, I loved it and can't wait to go back. People from Russia are very very proud and they would much rather show off the best parts of Russia than have you see the worst parts. (It's logical, I never sent Liliya any pics of the housing projects or slums in Florida, but she has seen them since she arrived here). Consider the fact that Chelyabinsk having the title "The most pulluted place on the face of the earth" NOBODY believes this is the best Russia has to offer

One of the "dirty little secrets" about Russia is that gossip is the national sport! (and you thought it was hockey or gymnastics

) What a lot of guys fail to understand, is the amount of CRAP the woman will have to endure from her neighbors after the man leaves, if she is from a smaller town . The gossip is not nice, and is not at all polite, it can be very demeaning and degrading - the smaller the town, the worse it is. Until she is sure about you, this may be a big motivating factor in her wanting to meet somewhere else. Once you've met face to face, and she is sure about you and the chemistry between you, she will WANT to take you back to meet her family and close friends, and she will worry much less about all the crap she will get later from the prying neighbors.

If she is really "dead-set" against you spending the whole time in her town, perhaps suggest this:
You will fly into Ekatrineburg and she take a train to meet you there. perhaps spend a day or two and if everything is going good, you go to Chelyabinsk together. If not, she can return alone, and you will not be bored as you'll be in a sizeable city with many things to see and do. Flights to Ekatrineburg are not too difficult to arrange. (just a thought)

Posted by: Pin Boy

i also think you should not worry...from what you describe the woman sounds sincere but insecure....jim gives some excellent advice so I will just say I echo his words.....good luck and if you go you will be the better for the experience

Posted by: Jutman

I have encountered the same. They feel bad for their cities, but don't worry.
Chelabinsk is among the 10 biggest in Russia. just tell your are not their for siegtseing for to see her.

Posted by: Andy72

Thank you all, Jim expecially. I like this board :-)

So, I talked to Ylia on ICQ and asked about stopping in Ekaterinburg for a few days before going to her town... She looked extremely happy (that means lots of smileys), and asked if this was really ok with me... I didn't even finish to type the answer, that she said she'll start looking for accommodation for us there, and that she'll be at the airport when I arrive :-D

Later we talked on the phone and she told me she was afraid I had felt refused by her last time we talked, and thought I might not want to go anymore... She said she will explain me better as her english improves... Anyhow it's really amazing how I could feel her relief through the phone!

Anyway, looks like I have to start take care of my passport and stuff... hoping june arrives soon :-)

I'll keep you posted. Thanks again, and of course any other advice is always welcome.

Posted by: vaprman

Glad to see things are working out. As I started to read the post, I wanted to assure you that my wife (from Ekaterinburg) had concerns about me visiting her there. She thought her city would be a bit disappointing to an American -- especially since I was coming during the winter.
I insisted, and she relented. The city is beautiful. Of course, it is different than an American city, but that is why we travel, isn't it?
Yekaterinburg is the third/fourth largest city in Russia, the home of Boris Yeltsin, the site of the Czar assasination, the site of the U-2 spy plane shoot-down, home to the heavy industry that destroyed Hitler's Germany, etc. Full of art and beauty, along with the Russian equivalent of the Vietnam Wall (the Black Tulip honoring the Afghan mess).
Anyway -- when you go, I highly recommend you use www.gotorussia.com for visa services and tickets. Lufthansa flies from Frankfurt to Yekaterinburg three times weekly. Through gotorussia.com, my roundtrip from Dallas to Yekat was only $840.
My wife has gone back since we came to the US, and we are both heading back in the summer of 2004 to spend a couple months there.
As for lodging -- since she lived in Yekat, she was able to sublease an apartment from a friend for our stays. Lots of nice hotels, but the best -- World Trade Center -- can be a bit expensive. I would recommend visiting this site http://www.ekaterinburg.tv/ The fellow who runs it has excellent connections and some apartments for rent.
Good luck with your trip and your romance. My trips and marriage have been pretty darned good.