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Helping you and your Russian partner succeed through the transition marriage period
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Posted by: Khashyar

I feel that Lena and I have pretty successfully travelled through our relationship adjustment period (although she and I will always learn about one another and will need to nurture our marriage).

Here are some thoughts that I have about how to help your new Russian partner more easily adjust to their transition, as well as help you adjust as a new couple:

1) acknowledge and accept that it is normal to experience a transition period on your new relationship

2) understand that because of the difference of languages, cultures and cultural beliefs, that your relationship is prone to misunderstandings because of these cultural differences. COMMUNICATION- listening and expressing your thoughts & emotions- is very important in the beginning.

3) help your Russian spouse develop a Russian support system with Russian women who are experiencing (or have experienced) something similar. One way of doing this is to suggest that your Russian spouse participate in a Russian language forum (like the RMP Russian language forum).

4) Be patient, and try to understand how it would feel if you had moved to her country and did not have your family and friends around, and had to learn a new language and culture, find a job, etc...

5) Communicate and speak as openly as you can about what you are feeling and thinking, and listen carefully to what your partner has to say about their experience, thoughts and feelings

6) help your partenr stay in touch with her family in her country. Find reasonably priced telephone calling cards, help her family buy a computer and set up video and voice internet chat, etc.

7) try to understand what she needs (ask her

) and then try to help her meet her needs.

8) Understand that this relationship and marriage will require a similar kind of commitment and effort and care as a relationship with a woman from your own country. We have been fed this misinformation that relationships with Russian women are somehow easier than relationships with women from our own country. I believe that there are some attributes in Russian culture that we admire and appreciate, but that as time goes on in your relationship, that your relationship will be less about a Westerner and a Russian, and more about two individuals who are working to make their marriage happy, loving and successful. In this sense, you must apply the same efforts and skills that you would in a relationship with a woman from your own country as you do with your Russian partner.

Khashyar

Posted by: Khashyar

I also want to emphasize the need to really listen to your new spouse's concerns, and work with her to resolve them.

I think that it is easy to not pay attention when someone says that something is important to them, but in a situation when an immigrant travels half-way around the world to a new culture, I think that it is important that we show them that we care about their concerns and are willing to address issues and problems that are important to them.

If our spouse says that something is very important to them, then we need to address this in some way. At the very least, listen to our spouse's concerns, express our thoughts about the circumstance, and then work with our partner to find a solution to them.

Khashyar

Posted by: searcher

Good points!

Some thoughts and questions.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khashyar

I feel that Lena and I have pretty successfully travelled through our relationship adjustment period (although she and I will always learn about one another and will need to nurture our marriage).

Here are some thoughts that I have about how to help your new Russian partner more easily adjust to their transition, as well as help you adjust as a new couple:

1) acknowledge and accept that it is normal to experience a transition period on your new relationship

Understood as there are many things present in such relationships that are not present in relationships involving two people from the same country.

There is the separation anxiety of being away from family, friends and familiar things such as shops, stores, etc.

Language can be a barrier and though a person may know many words if a foreign language, understanding the subtle details and idiosyncracies of a new language can lead to problems and misunderstandings due to communications problems.

Quote:

2) understand that because of the difference of languages, cultures and cultural beliefs, that your relationship is prone to misunderstandings because of these cultural differences. COMMUNICATION- listening and expressing your thoughts & emotions- is very important in the beginning.

Communication is essential, however, it may be difficult for a person to completely or accurately express their thoughts in a new language.

I think this is a problem I have experienced a few times.

Quote:

3) help your Russian spouse develop a Russian support system with Russian women who are experiencing (or have experienced) something similar. One way of doing this is to suggest that your Russian spouse participate in a Russian language forum (like the RMP Russian language forum).

I think being around other people experience similar challenges and experiences is certainly something we can learn from.

For some people, they are reluctant to be involved in forums, etc. It could be cultural, etc. I have heard that many people from the former Soviet Union don't like to talk to others about their problems (or experiences, perhaps) because it has a negative connotation - "others solving your problems".

Perhaps after a person has been in a foreign country for a period of time, some ideas or perceptions may change or they may become more open to the idea.

Quote:

4) Be patient, and try to understand how it would feel if you had moved to her country and did not have your family and friends around, and had to learn a new language and culture, find a job, etc...

Exactly, the points I raised in #1

Quote:

5) Communicate and speak as openly as you can about what you are feeling and thinking, and listen carefully to what your partner has to say about their experience, thoughts and feelings

An absolute necessity for any successful relationship but again remember mastering your thoughts in another language can be difficult and the intreptation may be vague at times.

Quote:

6) help your partenr stay in touch with her family in her country. Find reasonably priced telephone calling cards, help her family buy a computer and set up video and voice internet chat, etc.

I have also considered this but in my situation here are the problems I see:

1) Her family has limited or non-existant computer skills

2) There is high speed internet but from my understanding, it cost much more in her hometown than it would in a larger city such as Moscow or Saint Petersburg.

Quote:

7) try to understand what she needs (ask her

) and then try to help her meet her needs.

That can be difficult or impossible, sometimes, depending upon what a person needs and/or the timing of such needs and/or the financial requirements.

Quote:

8) Understand that this relationship and marriage will require a similar kind of commitment and effort and care as a relationship with a woman from your own country. We have been fed this misinformation that relationships with Russian women are somehow easier than relationships with women from our own country. I believe that there are some attributes in Russian culture that we admire and appreciate, but that as time goes on in your relationship, that your relationship will be less about a Westerner and a Russian, and more about two individuals who are working to make their marriage happy, loving and successful. In this sense, you must apply the same efforts and skills that you would in a relationship with a woman from your own country as you do with your Russian partner.

Hmmm.... perhaps... I think such ideas may be perpetuated by agencies which, afterall, are trying to sell the product (which is Russian Women/Women's addresses, etc).

I would assume it would be more difficult because of the limitations of language, differences in certain perceptions, maybe certain cultural aspects, etc. Each of those may prolong the time required by two people in adjusting to living with each other and starting a new life together.

Its really a new adventure!