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HELP! Ukrainian woman and her "scam" of a marriage
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Posted by: Odessa

I am writing here to help my friend from Ukraine. Her American husband has left her for another Russian woman. I feel the need to tell her story for others and to perhaps get some advice on how to help her. Ten years ago, she joined an agency in an attempt to better herself and make a new life for her and her then 5 year old daughter. She didn't take the agency thing seriously at first but got a few replies so figured it was worth a shot. This one American man in particular was extremely nice and sweet to her; she said he was like Prince Charming in real life. They wrote letters for a year and he came to visit her once. She was previously married and her first husband was an alcoholic. The American man had never been married. Supposedly they fell in love (at least she thought) and he promised a terrific life in the USA. He said he would buy her a house, a car, and they would have more children together which is what she truly wanted. On his return trip six months after they met, they decided to get married in Ukraine. This courtship was the span of about 2 years.
She moves to the USA with her daughter and her new husband. The husband's personality completely changes. He treats her like garbage, calling her names and controlling everything she does (he even used to make her go to the bathroom with the door open so he could make sure he knew what she was doing in there). She finds out he doesn't have a job. His parents paid for the trips to Ukraine because they just wanted him to get out of their house where he had been living since he was born (he was 38 at the time). His parents end up buying them a house to live in because there is no house as he promised and his parents do not want them living with them. The American man refuses to get a job and tells her she must get 3 jobs to make ends meet. She accepts because she is scared and does not want to go back to Ukraine because there is no life for her there. She works 3 minimum wage jobs round the clock. This all goes on for 8 years. Her husband refuses to have any children with her and she still walks to work everyday. She is not allowed to have her own money, he takes all her checks and blows them on his own personal hobbies, leaving tons of unpaid bills. He takes care of all the business and she knows nothing about what accounts they have or much about her immigration status, though we have assumed since she can work, that she is legal. He constantly *****es about how unclean the house is even after she spends all day cleaning it when she is home. He has never had anything to do with her daughter and always refers to the girl as "your spawn."
About a year ago, she finally joined a support group of other Russian/Ukrainian women who also were married to American men, though not necessarily in the same type of marriage as her, just more of support for friendship and being in another country. She became very close friends with this one Russian woman who was a big support and was helping her try to cope with the situation. What my Ukrainian friend didn't know is that the Russian woman was having an affair all along with my friend's American husband.
Now fast forward to this past week. My friend's husband announces he is leaving her and it is for this Russian woman. The husband is refusing a divorce but rather wants a separation and she must move out of the house. (we moved her Sunday and she is staying with my family). The American husband tells my friend she is this and that and it all her fault. She should just go back to Ukraine because no one will want her now. She is used goods, he tells her. The Russian woman tells her that she didn't know how to care for her man which is why she lost him.
She is completely and utterly devastated. She was so desparately trying to make the marriage work and felt it was her obligation to deal with what she had gotten herself into. She was making the best of this "rotten apple" American man so to speak. Now her other support group friends have turned their back on her and told her that most American men are just losers who can't find a girl in their own country so they must go overseas to find one. (NO OFFENSE! To anyone reading this, it was merely a Russian woman's opinion). Most of them agree that they pretty much used their husbands to get here and fortunately they get to do pretty much whatever they want with their free time and "please the American husband" when it is called for. They think she should just shut up and go for the separation and stop making waves. Whatever that means. My friend wants a divorce though.
I am at a loss on how to help. My friend knows nothing about things like checking accounts, etc and definitely is really scared to live on her own with her daughter. She has been drinking heavily this past week and started smoking to deal with the stress. She is really down and out, and feels completely hopeless. She is seriously thinking of packing it up and moving to live with her parents in the Ukrainian countryside. I don't think she needs to go because she can make it here if she tries.
Sorry for the drama, I know that most Ukrainian or Russian women and American men marriages are not this way. Does anyone have any advice on how I should help her? Maybe counseling first?
Thanks
Katherine

Posted by: Kathy

Though I generally do not believe one sided stories, I would suggest your friend hire a good divorce lawyer immediately. Depending on where she lives, she may be entitled to child support and to an interest in the matrimonial home. Even if she goes back to Ukraine, if she is out of the house and is entitled to a share in its equity, she could force a buy out of her interest, which would provide her some nest egg to live on. Even a few thousand dollars is a huge amount of money in a village.

Posted by: EasyTarget

The story does seem a little bit too outrageous but we are hearing things third hand and we don't know the facts.

HOWEVER...if the current situation is true and they are separated…
If she can prove they lived together for more then 5 years and he was not previously married, she is almost guaranteed half of the marriage equity, even if the house was a gift from his parents. Of course it does depend on who actually owns the house. The parents may own the house. But they courts could force him to sell his car and any other possessions inside the house. Or at least give her a cash settlement. The other thing they will do is force a child support arrangement.

The guy probably thinks that if they are separated that she will move back to the Ukraine. He will then wait 12 months and get a no contest divorce, stating she fled the country. She won’t appear at court and he will get everything.

Pick up the yellow pages, and find the attorneys office with the biggest ad. They will work on commission and she won't have to pay anything up front.

Also look in the yellow pages for a spousal abuse support group. They will help her get back up on her feet and help her out with dealing with the lawyers. Also if she has been in the US for more then 5 years she is most likely eligible for state assistance to help with her daughter. The support group will inform her of all her legal entitlements.

Posted by: Texas Proud

My advice..... and this is assuming your story is all true.. which I have some doubts..... get a divorce lawyer and counseling FAST...

BUT, she should be CHEERING that he decided to move on... this guy as LOSER written all over him... why even try to save a marriage with someone who is so much a loser... and why would she stay there if he treats her child so badly???

Other people's advice is only advice.. and could be wrong where you live... as an example.. the 5 year thing about splitting the assets.. that is just wrong in Texas... and if the parents own the house... well, nothing there anyhow...

I doubt they have any assets to split... if you have bills laying around, then you do not have any money....

Lastly, if he did not adopt the child, he has no obligation for child support... the child is not his and he never agreed to have parental rights... and I would suspect this if he had this much disdain for the child...

Posted by: Kathy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

BUT, she should be CHEERING that he decided to move on... this guy as LOSER written all over him... why even try to save a marriage with someone who is so much a loser... and why would she stay there if he treats her child so badly???

I agree, but abused women are often so beaten down they don't see they have a way out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

Other people's advice is only advice.. and could be wrong where you live... as an example.. the 5 year thing about splitting the assets.. that is just wrong in Texas... and if the parents own the house... well, nothing there anyhow...

Lastly, if he did not adopt the child, he has no obligation for child support... the child is not his and he never agreed to have parental rights... and I would suspect this if he had this much disdain for the child...

In some states, an individual who stands in loco parentis does have obligations to support a stepchild. It again depends on where she lives.

Bottom line, tell her she is better off without him and get her to a lawyer. Fast!

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kathy

Bottom line, tell her she is better off without him and get her to a lawyer.

Fast!

Hear Hear!!!! Agree 100% And, she will look back after a year or so and hopefully see how bad she really had it and how good she has it now..

Posted by: Tatysik

"We have that way to be treated how we allow to treat us"... It was her decision, her mistake, she has to correct it. I just can't understand why she was waiting so long??? I woulnd wait for 3 days...Hm-m-m-m.

Posted by: joelunchbox

May I suggest taking the cigarettes and alcohol away. She needs to be clear minded and neither of those will help her there. You are a very good person for helping her.

Posted by: royalpalace774

That's some story! It's guys like that that give us good guys a bad reputation.

I'm an American man and THIS WOMEN MARRIED TRAILER TRASH as we call it here.

It's sad she did so much to make it work and got nothing back except misery.

I think if she was able to get herself 3 jobs she has a good head on her shoulders and she should stay in the city she lives in and just move out and get her self together slowly. If she is still working those jobs there should be no problem now for her to keep all the income.

So now she needs to use it wisely for her survival and when this is all over she will have a re-newed confidence in her self and she will feel strong from this.

And the next time around she will know the difference between TRASH & Genuine.

She should work and try her best to get the best paying job she can so she can get herself a small apartment for her and her daughter.

And if she gets the right attorney , that attorney should wipe the floor with that piece of trash. he really needs to pay a price for his deception.

Posted by: vic2012

I remember this post when it appeared last year.

A bit odd that, this was a first posting and the author, having invited advice, then disappeared!

Unfortunately, these things do happen. But for some reason, I have my doubts about this particular story.

Posted by: Longfellow

If it looks like fish, and feels like fish, and smells like fish... it probably isn't beef!