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Time apart
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Posted by: j_c

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jerico

When you marry a foreign girl you must realize that she will leave the country to visit here homeland.Possibly for months at a time.
None of my freinds and family understand this at all.
They think that since she is here she will never want to go back to that (poor) country ever again.
I dont understand this thinking but to each his own I guess
Jerry

Hi All

I picked this quote out from Jerico in another posting and was wondering how often and for how long your wives go "home"?

Irina and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and I think that last year my wife found it very hard here in the UK and went home twice, for approx 2-3 months at a time. In the first year we went just once at Christmas/ New Year. This year she has already said that she just wants to go home in the summer ( Irina is in Krasnodar now), and would rather stay here for the rest of the year.

She loves the summer over there because the weather is nicer , fresh fruits ,eating out in the restaurants, trips to the Black Sea and of course , her native tongue!!

I personally find it very difficult when she goes home for long periods of time, and it is not always possible for me to join her/visit her because of work. Sometimes you do not realise how much you love someone till you are apart.

My friends and family cannot understand why she spends so much time away, and why I put up with it, from my point of view its something you accept from early on in your relationship, and despite it being difficult, I think that it makes our relationship much stronger, dont know why!!! lol !!!.

I would love to here from you guys how you cope.

Regards

JC

Posted by: bobjf

[QUOTE=j_c]Hi All

I picked this quote out from Jerico in another posting and was wondering how often and for how long your wives go "home"?

Irina and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and I think that last year my wife found it very hard here in the UK and went home twice, for approx 2-3 months at a time. In the first year we went just once at Christmas/ New Year. This year she has already said that she just wants to go home in the summer ( Irina is in Krasnodar now), and would rather stay here for the rest of the year.

She loves the summer over there because the weather is nicer , fresh fruits ,eating out in the restaurants, trips to the Black Sea and of course , her native tongue!!

g/day jc
natasha & i have been married 3 1/2 years now & she has never been home & displays no wish to
yes she miss,s her family & friends but phones home twice a week but says that she chose a new direction in life & oz is now home.
step daughter (16) swears she will never return to russia, although i have threatened her with a 1 way trip a few times lol.
it worried me at first that homesickness would win over me but it hasn't happened.
our plan is to bring nats parents out here for a holiday so they can experiance how the girls live & so they can have a least 1 decent hol in there life (trip will be our shout)
i don't know about the big smoke over there but i have no wish to revisit siberia ,nat knows she can visit if she wants
cheers bob

Posted by: vic2012

Now I can only talk about what may happen, as my fiancé is due here in the next six weeks (visa application permitting)

V has said that once she is here, she does not want to go home at all. I have offered to give her one to two tickets a year. But she is adamant. She will only go back if I go with her. Or, if for any reason things dont work out for us (She only has a sister there).

BTW jc seen the thread on a meet in Dublin? If your missus is still away?

Posted by: Texas Proud

JC...

Let me get this straight.... she goes twice a year for 2 to 3 months???

That means she is away for 1/3 to 1/2 of the year!!! This does NOT seem right to me... if she loved you, she would stay with you.. not go somewhere where the weather is better, but no YOU...

Me personally, I would not put up with it... yes, I could see maybe one to one and a half months apart is she has kids and lot of family to take them home to visit... but just going over there to lay around and live off your money???? not for me...

Sorry for this harsh assessment...if it works for you, then great..

Posted by: bobjf

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

JC...

Let me get this straight.... she goes twice a year for 2 to 3 months???

That means she is away for 1/3 to 1/2 of the year!!! This does NOT seem right to me... if she loved you, she would stay with you.. not go somewhere where the weather is better, but no YOU...

Me personally, I would not put up with it... yes, I could see maybe one to one and a half months apart is she has kids and lot of family to take them home to visit... but just going over there to lay around and live off your money???? not for me...

Sorry for this harsh assessment...if it works for you, then great..

i tend to agree texas, i think a long chat might be in order jc

Posted by: Spakoyna

I have to agree with Texas here. When my wife and I 1st met it was a big concern for her to know if she could visit her family from time to time. I told her it would probably be the 2nd year before we could go back. Not sure how the money was gonna flow and wanted her green card 1st. Well...I had every intention of going back and had started the plans for going last month and my wife said no...maybe next year. I must say it bothers me a bit because her mother is not getting any younger. She does talk with her mother and brother regularly on the phone.

Posted by: novotul

Of course this separation is hard on JC -- it would be hard on any of us. It probably, in some ways, is hard on his wife, too.

And it is very understandable that living all the time in the UK -- away from the entire life she knew, is also hard on JC's wife.

People's situation vary a lot.

This topic is close to my heart -- my fiance is very nervous about relocation to the USA and we are negotiating carefully, and investigating carefully, prospects and consequences of 2-3 trips home that might not be short. There is a 83 year-old-widow dependent on my fiance to consider. There are other family considerations.

Novosibirsk is one whole lot nicer than Oklahoma in summer! I'd love to live there all summer, too. Given the past week I just experienced (with a high temperature of 42C!) I wonder if it might be in the interests of my future marriage to send her home in summer.

I can just imagine the conversation with this hot tempered woman: "I love you very much, darling. But this place is hotter than hell! Do you really expect me to live with you in h***? I'll see you later, but if you are good about it, sooner ...

Based on my experience, I suspect that JC experiences something like a honeymoon everytime his wife comes home. It is a very nice benefit of occasinal, extended separations that those of us who are (for me, was) always with a spouse did not enjoy.

I suspect my experience, for the first few years of marriage, might be a bit like JCs -- just like it is now, for opposite reasons. If I can manage to spend 2/3 of the time with her rather than 1/4 or 1/5 of the time in the next five years, I think I'll be way ahead!

Posted by: Cheburashka

I can't imagine myself being married to any woman who wants to spend half her time away from me. I understand where you are coming from novotul because I live in Dallas. Our heat index was 115F this week. But he lives in the UK. What would she be running from, pie and mash?

I am not sure I could take a two week vacation without my better half being there much less six months. There are too many things I would want to share, not live seperate lives. It sounds to me like she is just fine with being away from you. And I would have a real problem with that.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the best.

Posted by: skinsfan

my wife is now in Russia for a 3 week visit...her parents are elderly, and their health is not great...and also her best girlfriend (Russian)married and living living in England is visiting Russia during this period. i think it is important for her to visit..the children have no desire to go back, so they are here driving me crazy hehehe !!! if possible, two visits in the year, particularly from the USA is max...i personally would not tolerate long extended visits to Russia......

Posted by: skinsfan

my wife is now in Russia for a 3 week visit...her parents are elderly, and their health is not great...and also her best girlfriend (Russian)married and living in England is visiting Russia during this period. i think it is important for her to visit..the children have no desire to go back, so they are here driving me crazy hehehe !!! if possible, two visits in the year, particularly from the USA is max...i personally would not tolerate long extended visits to Russia......

Posted by: skinsfan

oooooooooooooooooooooooops...sorry for the double post....

Posted by: AkMike

Tany has been here just over a yaer now abd I've iffered her atrip back she is in school and too busyto go she says. We will go back this winter (Oct-Nov) for a while to visit and look at property. She "skypes" to her son every week and writes her friends so she is content with life here.

Posted by: j_c

Hi all

Maybe I did not make this clear in my first post, the first year she did not go back at all.

Last year , she went twice , yes.. for a total of about five months.

This year, she is away now, for about 7 weeks, which I will be joining her for 3 of them.

We have already booked our next trip to Krasnodar to see the family, which will be at the end of June 07.

Texass, I was asking how you guys find the situation with your wives, not for your opinion on my situation - which by the way , I am completey understanding of my wives need to be with her mother.

As I said in the first post , last year was hard for her, we have a little boy and she wanted to spend a bit more time with her mother as she suffered from depression after the birth and needed that little bit of extra help ( not what I really wanted to discuss!).

So back to the original theme of the thread:

"was wondering how often and for how long your wives go "home"? and what you do while they are away!

Regards

JC

Posted by: Texas Proud

[QUOTE=j_c
Texass, I was asking how you guys find the situation with your wives, not for your opinion on my situation - which by the way , I am completey understanding of my wives need to be with her mother.

JC[/QUOTE]

And in the first post... "She loves the summer over there because the weather is nicer , fresh fruits ,eating out in the restaurants, trips to the Black Sea and of course , her native tongue!!"

JC,

Sorry buddy, but if you post something you have to expect responses from everybody... not just 'married' men... because I can tell you if I was married what I would do.. it is not hard to figure out for me...

AND, reading your first post... it makes it out like she does not like the summers in the UK, which by the way I liked a LOT when I was there!!! And it looks like she is going out to eat, taking trips to the sea and having a grand old time... no mention of an old mother who is in bad health which she is nursing... and you add in your second post that you two have a baby.. did she leave the baby in the UK??? Many many questions that come to mind..

Finally, if this WORKS FOR YOU... then great... I have not made a statement that what you are doing is wrong... only that I would not put up with it myself.. I would have a major talk with her about what she wants in life... to me her baby and you should be at the top.. then her family...

Texas...

PS... if you do not like my OPINION... just ignore it..

Posted by: j_c

Texas

A) Yes I did take it personally and may be I should of been prepared for that. However I thought the etiquette on this forum was to be respectful to other people, even if you disagree with their situation.

B) My question was for the married men - if you want to voice your opinion, your right, I can't stop you and I'm sure some men will agree with your opinions.

C) Yes, I personally will ignore your advice as you suggest, as our opinions obviously differ and hope that others will find something in there that will help them.

D) You are right , I should of said that the reason she went home for so long last year was because of post natal depression, but frankly , thats none of your business which is why i tried to put a positive spin on going home. Any person who has gone through a post natal depresion situation will understand this.

Forgive me, I thought it was a simple question, that other married people could respond to, and guys could read about to maybe make them aware of how being away from your family and moving to another country might affect their prospective partners.

The purpose of the post was to generate the views of different people about their married situation and time apart. Already some people have posted that their partners do not want to return home as frequently as my wife, maybe their situation in russia was not one they would like to go back to, understandable as I have seen the poverty and hardship firsthand. Maybe they have no ties or close family to go back to..and maybe the finacial constraints stop them from going as frequently as they would like.

None of those apply to us, the fact that she is a housewife and mother and not in emploment means she can stay longer than me, and yes if she needs help from her mother with a young child and that means going home so be it.

If I have offended you Texas, please accept my apology, I do not want to offend anybody on this forum and turn this into a slanging match.

I am sure you agree that it is a vauable community that helps people like me and you achieve the goal of being with their loved ones.

Regards

JC

Posted by: skinsfan

we here in the USA maybe sometimes forget that travel to Russia from your area is not as difficult as it is for us. i have a friend in England whose Russian wife travels frequently back to Russia.......JC, you know more about your situation than any of us......

as for how we cope when our wives are away, i guess we had good basic training while we waited for the visa process....it was so long....and although i miss her, i know that it is a necessary visit ........ my wife is now in her 5th day of a 21 day visit..but who is counting.......

Posted by: Texas Proud

JC...

No offence taken.. and I was not trying to give any..

I hope that she 'gets better'... whatever that means..

Good luck,

Texas

Posted by: novotul

Well, JC, I've thought about whether to reply again, because I'm not yet (re)married. But our relationship is outside of the mainstream -- not married legally, not yet cohabitating, still separated, but very committed and pretty long term. We've managed to be with each other for about 15 months over the past 4 years. My job sends me on periodic, month-long assignments to her city, and my apartment is in the building next door to hers.

She isn't a MOB, so the implicit, or explicit, promises to relocate just are not built into our relationship. She wasn't looking for love, nor I, much less with a foreigner.

How do I cope with the continuing separation? At times, poorly. I've gotten a lot more comfortable with living alone. (I was in a moribund marriage when I met her and separated soon thereafter.) Skills at living alone are important, I think, to maintain a successful relationship and I think (hope) I'll be better prepared next time.

I keep busy. Besides work, I have Russian tutoring twice a week, and make painful but real progress. I am *NOT* a language person. But for me getting better at Russian is an equity issue. The relationship is still exclusively in English (she's a translator, which helps). She started going to a yoga hall in Novosibirsk and told me I should consider it, too. So, I now go to yoga classes once a week, and attend periodic workshops. At first, it was a separated/togetherness exercise -- but it already pays its own dividends.

I get in funks. I notice them. I try not to give them energy. I reflect that the funk I'm experiencing will pass -- all moods and feelings are impermanent. (Did you ever have a feeling that never quit?) When I'm in a funk, I distract myself.

Today's funk is because we just decided to delay filing for the next I-129F until after I return from my next trip to Russia. My preference was to hurry up and file just before I leave (probably September 6). But US immigration is in a mess, and there are very good family reasons on her side to postpone another month (or more, we'll see). (Given the immigration mess, I've been arguing with her that we should get married in a third country, and go the CR-1 route. She doesn't want to. She wants to get married in the USA, at a vacation spot we visited last December that she fell in love with.) So, I went to my yoga workshop (previously scheduled) and baked cookies. Don't give the negative feelings energy. That is the most important point, I find.

Hope these musing are helpful.

Posted by: bobjf

Quote:

Originally Posted by j_c

Texas

A) Yes I did take it personally and may be I should of been prepared for that. However I thought the etiquette on this forum was to be respectful to other people, even if you disagree with their situation.

B) My question was for the married men - if you want to voice your opinion, your right, I can't stop you and I'm sure some men will agree with your opinions.

C) Yes, I personally will ignore your advice as you suggest, as our opinions obviously differ and hope that others will find something in there that will help them.

D) You are right , I should of said that the reason she went home for so long last year was because of post natal depression, but frankly , thats none of your business which is why i tried to put a positive spin on going home. Any person who has gone through a post natal depresion situation will understand this.

Forgive me, I thought it was a simple question, that other married people could respond to, and guys could read about to maybe make them aware of how being away from your family and moving to another country might affect their prospective partners.

The purpose of the post was to generate the views of different people about their married situation and time apart. Already some people have posted that their partners do not want to return home as frequently as my wife, maybe their situation in russia was not one they would like to go back to, understandable as I have seen the poverty and hardship firsthand. Maybe they have no ties or close family to go back to..and maybe the finacial constraints stop them from going as frequently as they would like.

None of those apply to us, the fact that she is a housewife and mother and not in emploment means she can stay longer than me, and yes if she needs help from her mother with a young child and that means going home so be it.

If I have offended you Texas, please accept my apology, I do not want to offend anybody on this forum and turn this into a slanging match.

I am sure you agree that it is a vauable community that helps people like me and you achieve the goal of being with their loved ones.

Regards

JC

hi jc i am married & i did agree with texas but mostly because you wern't clear enough about the circumstances when you posted.
if you re read your post it dose come accross like a what do you think as such i appoligise '
my y wife says she doubts she will ever return & would rather her parents came here which is what we hope will happen next year.
you need to remember that it is an open forum & you will get all sorts of responces.
those who arn't married say things that are purely hypathetical as there life will change after they marry.
befor you still single guys bite,you can't know what will transpire untill you are faced with the situation, marriage is about compromise & when your dealing with someone from accross the pond there are a whole lot of different variables to cope with

Posted by: Spakoyna

Bob is on tracK!

Some people deal with being apart and some don't. My wife and I don't like to be apart. She had a comfortable level of life in Russia. She just suprised me yet again tonight. She told me I don't think we will go to Russia next year(she just stopped our trip this year 3 months ago). This does suprise me....I think she worries we might have a problem and am beginning to suspect she will not go back until she becomes a citizen. I have introduced the idea of bringing her mother for a visit but she says her mother is too old and would not do it.

If you are happy with your situation(which I suspect you are not), then be happy! I for one could not handle the long seperations you speak of.

Posted by: bobjf

....I think she worries we might have a problem and am beginning to suspect she will not go back until she becomes a citizen. I have introduced the idea of bringing her mother for a visit but she says her mother is too old and would not do it.

true nat has refused to travel untill she has her oz passport
we have same prob with nats mum,she says she is to old but would still try to come.
she badly wants to see her grandson & were hopeing the videos we send over will tip her in favour of the trip
its also the only way she will see galina again as this little horror states nyet will never ever go back

Posted by: bobjf

guys being apart from your wife is the pits .
after all the dramas we had with immigration & the heartbreak it caused we can't stand being away from eachother.
maybe its a bit different for us,we got married as you do & figured nat would move to oz & we would get on with life.
immi/dept put a spanner in the works,refused nats visa & all but destroyed us
yer we beat them in court but unless you have experianced this sort of thing you can't begin to understand the feeling of loss,its like someone died.
everyone is different & we all have different life wishs but for nat & i just being with eachother is everything

Posted by: markgm

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobjf

guys being apart from your wife is the pits .
after all the dramas we had with immigration & the heartbreak it caused we can't stand being away from eachother.
maybe its a bit different for us,we got married as you do & figured nat would move to oz & we would get on with life.
immi/dept put a spanner in the works,refused nats visa & all but destroyed us
yer we beat them in court but unless you have experianced this sort of thing you can't begin to understand the feeling of loss,its like someone died.
everyone is different & we all have different life wishs but for nat & i just being with eachother is everything

I know exactly what you mean Bob the feeling of loss is terrible and when you both need each other the most to help you get through it your kept apart from Imm Beuarcrats.

Posted by: j_c

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud

JC...

No offence taken.. and I was not trying to give any..

I hope that she 'gets better'... whatever that means..

Good luck,

Texas

OK Texas, perhaps you would like to explain exactly what you mean by " I hope she "gets better"....whatever that means ", as I see it as a personal insult towards my wife.

JC

Posted by: Texas Proud

Quote:

Originally Posted by j_c

OK Texas, perhaps you would like to explain exactly what you mean by " I hope she "gets better"....whatever that means ", as I see it as a personal insult towards my wife.

JC

You said she was depressed along with a few other things..... I hope you do not want her to be there forever.. since I do not know all of the issues I put in quotes as a catch all... and said whatever that means because I do not know all the issues she might need to get better...

I think you are a bit sensative on this subject... so I wlll bow out and let other respond..

Posted by: bobjf

jc i very much doubt texas was being insulting

he has been around far to long to do such a thing ,i think you are getting your back up over this & need to cool off ok
enough said

Posted by: swindoom

JC,

My wife never wants to go home to Omsk ever again, she loves living England, she thinks it is fantastic. We visited her family for xmas but that only affirmed her desire not to go there. She has also stated if she had to return to Russia she would never travel alone, I would have to travel also.

I think the situation is helped by the fact she speaks to her mum everyday, for free thanks to Vic, she has a job she enjoys, there seems to be loads of Russian's living in our town and she feels her life in England is far better than her life in Russia could ever be.

Posted by: Pin Boy

"whatever that means" in my opinion, is a throw away kind of put down along the lines of pffftt! i saw it as a put down and also thought it sounded callous and dismissive as well.

pb

Posted by: waiting123

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pin Boy

"whatever that means" in my opinion, is a throw away kind of put down along the lines of pffftt! i saw it as a put down and also thought it sounded callous and dismissive as well.

pb

I do not agree that he was being dismissive or rude. If you read back at Texas Prouds reply's, he is always direct. It is who he is, no need to chastize him over it, it is not a negative quality. I think that TP was taking the information he had and giving advice... same as you and I do. - why can't we all just get along!