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AW with questions about Russian fiance
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Posted by: jsteele

I am new to this forum. I have been engaged to a great guy from Russia for about a year now, and we plan to get married sometime in the next couple of years when we both get out of school. We currently are in school finishing graduate degrees. He's really good to me most of the time, but sometimes I wonder just what kind of a husband he will make. I'm definitely in love with him, and I'm quite sure he loves me as well. I would just like to know from some of the others on this forum what RM expect from their wives in a marriage. I get vibes sometimes that lead me to think that Oleg is going to be somewhat domineering as a husband. He isn't really that way as a fiance, but once in awhile I see little signs that kind of scare me. I just wondered if any of you who have had experience in this area have any comments?

It's a whole different culture--one that I'm not all that familiar with, and while I think the world of my fiance, I also want to be sure that our marriage will be one that will last.

Posted by: ira156

Hi Jsteel, I think what you need to look at is the fact that we are all influenced by our culural upbringing East and West. No i dont think that all Russian men are pigs, but in the older age group alll the good faithfull ones are obviously married and faithful. Your perception of domineering would be different to that of a Russians. We all know that we can get on wonderfully with members of the opposite sex in our own counrties, only to find it a disaster when we move in together. An overseas relationship would be seem more so. The best indicator for men of any nationality, is how they treat their mother, sisters other women in their life. My advice in any form of relationship is that if you have a concern, ask him about it, discuss it openly. Hope its of some assistance

Posted by: jsteele

I agree with you and wish that I could see how he treats his mother and sister. Unfortunately, he lives in this country and his family is in Russia, so I never get to see his interactions with them. I try to talk to him about these issues and we do have some good discussions, but I always wonder if he is showing me his true colors. People can truly change once they are married. I have seen it happen with many of my friends' husbands and don't want the same thing to happen to me--and they married Americans! I know that just because Oleg is from another culture does not really make any difference, it's just that I also know that he was raised with different cultural mores than I was and I need to be sure that some big bad dark side of him is not going to come out of the closet after we are married.

Posted by: ira156

So hard isteel. I would go and see him in his home environment. I ahve read that the younger generations attitudes in Russia are changing but maybe speak to some russians on here to find out if this is so. I can only speak from this mans point of view ( so dont all jump down my throat ). I believe that men and women are different ( not better ) and that we both have different instinctive roles to play. If i want a friend i have males for that, if i want sex there are allways hookers ( no i dont ) i want a partner in life. Friendship becomes intimacy, sex becomes love making, and you have a true concern for the inpact that you have on your partners deepest feelings. I wont feel like a man if you treat me like a girlfriend, i am the provider the ( hunter gatherer) the woman is the soul of the partnership. She will bring out the best in the man if he has her respect. I think that we both have distinctive roles to play and if we dont we get lost in the relationship. Do you feel like a lady if your man punches you in the arm, says skull a beer and lets have a belching contest. I dont think so. It sounds a bit cold but look at it as job interview. What does he see as both of your roles in your future? What do you see your role as? Discuss it till you are both clear on it. But go over and see how he is in his environment, even if he can put on a front you will find the women in his life wont. Hey womens intuition. For what its worth....cheers

Posted by: jsteele

Thanks, Ira. Alright, all you Russian men out there....I have a couple of questions for you. How do Russian men look at marriage and how do they believe their wives should be treated? Do they believe women should be allowed to handle their own money and to be independent and truly equal partners in a marriage? It is very easy to SAY that these are your beliefs, but were you raised to really believe this to be the truth?

Posted by: firemansam

I know the note at the top reads "only russian women can start threads here", but I'm sure you could also pose your question (slightly differently maybe) in the "Russian Womens Perspective" found here: http://russianmeetingplace.com/foru...isplay.php?f=87
But you will probably have to wait untill they wake up and visit the forums to get any answers from them

Or just wait till Jill, inlove and MSP drop by this thread, I'm sure they will give you some good insight! (from a female point of view)
Hope you find your answers,
Sam.

Posted by: Jill

Welcome to RMP!

Quote:

Thanks, Ira. Alright, all you Russian men out there....I have a couple of questions for you. How do Russian men look at marriage and how do they believe their wives should be treated? Do they believe women should be allowed to handle their own money and to be independent and truly equal partners in a marriage? It is very easy to SAY that these are your beliefs, but were you raised to really believe this to be the truth?

Well, I'm not a Russian man, but I am married to a Ukrainian man. I think you will find the same range of attitudes among Russian men as you will among men of most western countries, including the US. And, sure, you can find some real jerks in Russia, too. However, I can say that my marriage is an equal partnership and that my husband and I both love and respect one another. We have our share of fights

, but he generally treats me very well. I can also say that my husband is a very involved father to our daughter and places family first. He has a few quirks that get on my nerves, but no one's perfect and they're all things I can live with. Honestly, I don't see any substantial differences between my marriage to a Ukrainian and my friends' marriages to Americans.

Quote:

once in awhile I see little signs that kind of scare me.

What specifically is scaring you? Perhaps we can help you with that.

Posted by: Pin Boy

hello jsteele and welcome,

you're asking russian men out there, but i don't think you'll find many here except a guy named andrei and he is just getting married for the first time.

on another note, it kills me, just ABSOLUTELY KILLS ME when i hear any woman from any culture say, "i love him so much but..." then they go on to give a litany of transgressions these men commit and continue to say, "i love him but...." what the hell is to love???? if anyone could ever explain that to me i could die happy!!!

pb

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Ha ha ha Pinboy, you are indeed a guy, sometimes we will never understand what ladies think, I fear that thee will die unhappy if yee waitest on the answer to that question.

jsteele, I agree with Jill, what are the things that scare you about your fiance. This is just my opinion but no-one should ever feel scared in a relationship. If you do there is something wrong in the relationship. BTW I am an Australian male so I can't speak/type from a Russian males perspective. Sure there are cultural differences to speak of but none of these should ever involve on epartner gining a dominance over the other through fear. Partnerships/marraiges are something that both people must put in 100% if not more, the days of a 50-50 partnership died out years ago. Again MHO but if you are scared of things then there is plenty more work to be done to actually make it a relationship.

Posted by: vic2012

I love him...but.

Who hasn't said this. He'd have to be a saint, for there to be no -but-.

And, J your question is the same that, has been posed since time immemorial. And, there is no answer.

Substitute English for Russian man. So are we a nation of polite men who give up our seats for a lady, queue uncomplainingly and hold doors open for people. Or, are we the lager swilling louts in our town centres, walking around shouting obsenities, fighting and dropping our pants at the slightest provocation.

Of course it's none of the above. Races get tarred by the same brush that, tars jews, blacks whatever.

We are all individuals with our own spirit and soul, It's all about finding a kindred spirit, a soul mate, no matter what country or background we are from.

If you love him, great. You can probably change his manners and even his habits, but not his character or traits. You have to look very carefully at your partner and ask yourself if you can live comfortably with these.

It is these annoying, incompatible characteristics of a partner that kills a marriage (and some of those can be cultural) The best that, anyone here can do is to advise you on some of the generalised cultural differences that can exist. But for the rest, I'm afraid that, nobody can help you on that score. Like every marriage/partnership that ever took place, you have to suck it and see.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

If the scary bit she is refering to is a bad temper that turns into something else then I wouldnlt want to be the one having to "suck it and see".

jsteel, you need to think are you scared or are you aprehensive, they are two differnt things. Scared is fearful for your safety, if this is what you are you have some real thinking to do. Aprehensive can be for many things, (ie. is he a scruncher and your a folder, does the way he peels bananas any you etc, I know this sounds stupid but it happens) again you have thinking to do but it is like Vic says, do you think you can live with this? If so go ahead and have a great life, I will tell you I would hope anyone would go into a relationship not wanting to change the person they are with. If this is the program for a relationship then again something is wrong, people love their partners with their quirks and ideosyncrises, if people feel their partner needs to change then they are obviously to far away from the "ideal".

Posted by: vic2012

Hey OZ,
You mean like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. Or, ripping open a packet instead of prising it open, so then it cant be resealed.

Drives me crackers!!!

Posted by: firemansam

Quote:

Originally Posted by vic2012

Hey OZ,
You mean like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. Or, ripping open a packet instead of prising it open, so then it cant be resealed.

Drives me crackers!!!

Sorry Vic, but I don't think we can be together anymore...

Posted by: firemansam

Back to the thread for a moment...
jsteele, No matter what people tell you here on the forums, good, bad or indifferent, just remember, you are the one of us here in the relationship. You are the one who knows if YOU are happy or not. Yes, look for opinions from the members here, but at the end of the day, there is only one person who has to live your life and that is you. You know, deep down, what will make you happy. You know what you can live with and live without.

The forums are a great way to get insight as to what others think of your situation but that is like gazing into a fish bowl and saying, "what happy fish!" Without knowing what the fish feel about the situation.

NEVER use the forum as a reason for a decision on your relationship as the forum members NEVER know 100% of what you are experiencing, nor do they know what will make you happy!

Like I said before, but maybe worded better, I hope you find, in yourself, what you are looking for, when it comes to YOUR happiness.
Sam.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

That brought a tear to my eye Sam, thank you.

Posted by: firemansam

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzGuyLooking

That brought a tear to my eye Sam, thank you.

In my best Buzz Lightyear voice, "Your mocking me, aren't you...."

Hahahaha Teasing Oz!!

Posted by: firemansam

....

Posted by: ira156

Quote:

Originally Posted by vic2012

If we are just talking imperfections here this little tale may amuse you

There is a chinese women who has to walk 100 metres from her house each day to collect her water. She ahs to carry 2 large pots for the water on a yolk.
But one pot has a crack. And the pot is very unhappy with its imperfection as it loses half its water bythe time she gets it home.

After months of taunting from the perfact pot the pot says to the woman " i am so sorry that i dissapoint you but my imperfections make me loose the water for you, can you please forgive me"

With this the old woman says to the pot " look down " and the pot see the most beautiful row of flowers leading all the way from the stream to the womans house. The woman says to the pot " you see i knew you were cracked when i bought you, and i planted some seeds " it is your imperfections that bring me great joy and beauty.

Posted by: firemansam

Quote:

Originally Posted by ira156

...you see i knew you were cracked when i bought you...,

I have seen this story before and, I like it!
But tell me the person, from anywhere, who would like to be described as a broken pot and is happy with this desciption and i will give you my two cats! lol!
I know what you are saying, really I do, but it doesn't translate well into real life.. lol!! Unless you really are going to marry a happy broken pot!!

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

No Sam I wasn't mocking thee. I knowest thee was kidding with me but I was feeling teary with thine heartfelt advice to jsteel.

That is the whole thing about relationships, maturity, if you haven't got it you are not going to know if it is right. It is good to discuss things, well some things anyway, but it is an individual descision in the end.

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Quote:

Originally Posted by vic2012

And I have been told I have issues, sorry Vic mate couldn't resist. Yes that is what I mean but the toothpaste thing is easy fixed, all you have to do is squeeze from the end to remove the airbubles created bu the last person who obvioulsy has NO IDEA how to extract toothpaste from a tube properly, he he.

BTW the scruncher and folder remark is something that the aussies might know about if they watch TV adds. It makes a great topic of discussion. Yes I am serious.

Posted by: firemansam

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzGuyLooking

No Sam I wasn't mocking thee. I knowest thee was kidding with me but I was feeling teary with thine heartfelt advice to jsteel.

That is the whole thing about relationships, maturity, if you haven't got it you are not going to know if it is right. It is good to discuss things, well some things anyway, but it is an individual descision in the end.

Well thankyee my lord, it is refreshing to enjoy your modest converstaion with a gentleman as youself, who is not trying to further their own gain.
I am honered to consider your welcome in my court and welcome your views on my opinion in this subject. As for my comments to the fair lady jsteel, they are but nothing other than my heart felt truths and I hope the world brings her every happiness.

LOL!!!!
Sam.

Posted by: vic2012

J, The toothpaste thing can be the tip of the iceberg.

The problems is, when we are courting, we tend to be on our best behaviour and any unfortunate tendencies get hidden from our partner's view. It is then, very difficult to see how a person will turn out. And worse, if you do spot something unlikeable, what do you do about it. Call the whole thing off?

The Fireman was right. Nobody can tell you which way to jump.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jsteele

I get vibes sometimes that lead me to think that Oleg is going to be somewhat domineering as a husband. He isn't really that way as a fiance, but once in awhile I see little signs that kind of scare me. I just wondered if any of you who have had experience in this area have any comments?
It's a whole different culture--one that I'm not all that familiar with.........

At least this problem can be cultural and understandable.

Men, generally from Eastern Europe and the Middle East have not caught up with equal opportunities yet. They live in an environment where they are head of the household. And most men from these countries like to give the impression that they rule the roost. But this is just a macho thing. You must see if he backs away, when you put your foot down about something. If he has to win the argument, then you might have some thinking to do.

.

Posted by: jsteele

Lots of good info and advice here, guys! (and gals!) Thanks for all the help. To answer your question, I think what makes me "apprehensive" about the relationship is that I don't really understand the Russian culture. I totally agree with what you are all telling me--that is...follow my heart, etc, etc. At the moment, Oleg seems to be a great guy. He treats me well and shows me respect. There are just small inuendos that come out once in awhile that make me think that he may have grown up in a male dominated culture and I am somewhat apprehensive that he may revert back to that once the ring is on my finger, so to speak. That is why I'm wondering what life is like in Russia. Unfortunately, Oleg's visa does not allow us to return to Russia so that I can see him in his homeland.

Posted by: vic2012

Your servant ma'am

Posted by: OzGuyLooking

Glad to have been of assistance. There are people who are better suited to directly answer your questions such as Jill who already haspipped in, but the majority seem to be absent. I am sure they will visit soon and help out.

Posted by: Jill

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzGuyLooking

Glad to have been of assistance. There are people who are better suited to directly answer your questions such as Jill who already haspipped in, but the majority seem to be absent. I am sure they will visit soon and help out.

Yeah, and I wonder where PrincetonLion has been lately