Warning: acting from your heart, or taking a patient approach to a new relationship?

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to write about whether it is wisest to follow one's heart in a new relationship, or to take a deliberate approach.

While managing the Russian Meeting Place, Lena and I have met many Russian Western couples, and have communicated with both men and women who have had a variety of experiences with long distance dating.

What Lena and I have observed is that it is difficult to fully understand a person and whether two people are right for one another without spending a lot of time with them, and communicating for an extended period of time.

A person, let's say a Russian woman, might be a wonderful person, and a Western man involved with her might also be a wonderful person, but just as it takes to a couple who live in the same city to learn about one another's characteristics, goals, quirks and habits, it takes even longer to learn about someone who lives far away.

It takes time to learn whether two people can happily live with one another for 50, 60 or 70 years.

In addition, because two people are from different cultures, and were raised with different cultural assumptions, ways of communicating, and beliefs, it also takes time to communicate clearly through the haze of different cultures and cultural expectations.

Also, when you are communicating with someone from a long distance, it is very easy to fill in information that you do not know about a person, with your hopes, dreams and desires for a person.

It is easy to WANT a person to be a perfect match for us, because we WANT ideal romantic love. We WANT to find a soul mate for ourselves.

However, there are many people who we know who have fallen in love with someone, felt a euphoric connection with someone, only to find after spending more time with that person, or having married the person and begun to live a life with them, and then discover that they are unhappy because they came to understand that the two people have major areas where they are not compatible (and which were unknown until they began living with one another), or... come to understand that the person is not who they believed they were, or who they presented themselves to be.

Here are some examples:

1) A very good friend of Lena and mine communicated with a Russian lady for several months, having communicated with her by email and chat every day, and speaking with her once in a while by phone. He went to visit her, and fell very much in love with her. He was so enamored with her, that he did not recognize the signs that something was not quite right. She began asking him to buy her certain items like a computer. He began sending her several hundreds of dollars per month, which she accepted.

He made a decision very early in their correspondence that she was the one he wanted, and he behaved towards her in a way that expressed deep commitment.

However, on his second visit to go see her, she was much more cold with him, criticized him regarding certain aspects.

The relationship all of a sudden began to take a downwards turn. He had spent thousands of dollars in sending her money, sending her a diamond ring, and on trips, but he was beginning to understand that the relationship was over.

After the relationship ended, he discovered that she probably was writing and receiving money from other men as well, and that some of her friends were probably prostitutes.

He is now in another relationship with a Russian woman, but this time, he took his time in developing the relationship, visiting her twice, and he has seen no negative signs about their relationship.

2) Another friend of Lena and mine is a man who lives in the U.S. He fell completely in love with a Russian woman. Many men found her very attractive, and his feelings of passion swept him up and he filed for a fiancé visa and brought her to the U.S., even though she did not speak English very well, and they were not able to communicate deeply and clearly about different issues. He could taken the time, perhaps hired a translator, and communicated more thoroughly with her to learn about her beliefs and character before making a decision that she was the right one and that she should be married.

He had already been married before and divorced, and he was lonely for a partner and companion.

After she arrived in the U.S., Lena noticed that something seemed strange about her. She seemed unkind to her own child (who she brought with her to the U.S. when she immigrated). She even considered sending her child away back to Russia to live with the child's grandmother, because she wanted freedom and independence.

She even confided in Lena that her goal is to live in the United States for a few years, save money, buy and apartment in Minsk, and then leave her American husband.

Perhaps he could have learned more about who she was and what her character and motives were if he would have spent her time with her instead of purely following his heart and making a decisions with his emotions, rather than taking his time and understanding at a measured pace whether she was right for him or not.

Of course, being in love and sharing love with someone is wonderful. It is precious. But it takes time to learn about someone, and whether you are compatible, especially when you are dating a woman from a different country and culture.

3) Lena has another friend who met an American man in Russia where he was working. She fell absolutely in love with him. They spent several weeks together, and he was charming and wonderful. They laughed, had fun, had long talks.

They communicated for a while until she finally moved to the U.S. on a fiancé visa.

However, after she moved to America, she discovered that he did not have a steady job, and that he drank excessively. He also would stay out with his friends, and sometimes come home early in the morning.

Their married life together was different than what she experienced when they were dating.

Perhaps if she would have spent more time with him, spent more time getting to know one another, then she would have come to understand what it might be like to be married with him.

Of course, there are several positive stories that Lena and I know of. But if you just jump into a relationship with someone without getting to know their character and your compatibility with them over time, then you are playing Russian Roulette with your happiness and with your marriage.

Just like you would not marry a woman from your own country after spending two months with them, you would not marry someone from a different country after spending a week or two or month with them, and not taking your time to really inquire and communicate to understand whether the two of you share the same expectations and beliefs.

4) Another friend of Lena's also met her husband through a dating service. They communicated by email, fax and written letters for a few months. They spoke on the phone every week.

She did not speak very much English, but he traveled to visit her twice for short periods of time.

They were married, she came to the U.S., but them he discovered that the person who he thought was a beautiful Russian angel, was actually very very human.

She liked to spend money so that she could look good in front of her friends. She was very competitive with her friends AND her husband, and even criticized him and often put down his personal accomplishments when he attempted to achieve something.

He confided in me that if he had it to over again, he would not have gotten married.

I share these examples to you not to dissuade you from seeking a Russian-Western relationship.

There are many good people out there.

However, I was to express that it is very difficult to really know who a person is, and whether you can be happy being married to them for 50 to 70 years, when you are getting to know a person over a long distance. It takes time, and you can enjoy being in your relationship and developing it, as you take the time and care to get to know them.

Two people can be wonderful people, but just be too different to share a happy life together.

You have a wonderful and special opportunity to meet and marry a person to share a happy partnership and marriage.

Although you can enjoy and appreciate falling head-over-heals with someone, but when you are in love, that is not the state of mind to make a wise practical decision.

A person's character, and your compatibility with them reveals itself over time through their actions, and how you interact with one another.

Marriage is wonderful. It is one of the most important decisions that you will make in your life.

Khashyar

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