What I've learned from 2 years of marriage to a Russian woman;& Belarus wedding plans

Hi Everyone,

I felt that it was time to write a bit about Lena and my first two years of marriage...

Many of you may have kept abreast about the goings on in Lena and my marriage through various threads in the forum.

Lena is busily preparing for our second wedding in Belarus this September. We have set a fairly secure date of September 16-18 for the wedding in Mogilev. Lena says that the wedding should happen on a Friday (Sept. 16), and then we are planning on having a reception of some kind on the Saturday. And then on Sunday, we are thinking of taking my entire family (my family who will travel to Belarus) to Lena's family's dacha house for food, drink, and the relaxing pleasure of the banya  :)

Anyway, things are moving quickly on the re-wedding plans, and my father, mother, sister and her husband, a close cousin and his wife and child, and other members of my family are planning to fly to Mogilev for the wedding...

I know that my dad will really enjoy the Russian culture-- He actually has a PhD in Soviet Political Studies, and he studied Russian in college, and he loves to drink vodka with friends on special social occasions, and I have a feeling that my dad and Lena's dad will enjoy eating and talking.

It might be a bit stressful for all of my family to go and stay there since Lena and I will want to make them feel very comfortable. My dad wants to stay in a hotel, and this is probably a good idea since Lena's family does not have much room in their house for all of my family. Also, most Russians (and Belarusians) live a materially poor life compared to Western standards, and so I think that my family will probably feel more comfortable in a hotel, although I certainly do not mind staying at Lena's family's house, and Lena and I will certainly stay there in September.

Lena's father is planning on creating an apartment above their house (that could accommodate perhaps or 5 people if necessary)-- as many of you might remember, Lena's dad is a builder and can build a house from the ground up.

Another option is for us to buy an apartment in Mogilev, have Lena's dad fix it up, and then sell it after the wedding. But, that trouble may not be necessary.

When I look at Lena's life, I see her as pretty well adjusted, but I think that Lena still has to make somewhat of an effort to keep up with the fast pace of living and working in Los Angeles.

I am thinking about moving to the Washington D.C.-Baltimore, Maryland area to be closer to my family and parents, but Lena is hesitant to do this since she really has made some very close Russian female friends here in Los Angeles. This is something that Lena and I both are going to consider very carefully.

This issue of where we want to live is also facing us because we would like to buy a house (or perhaps large condo) this year, and so I am thinking about whether it makes sense to spend $350,000 on a two bedroom condo in Los Angeles, or move to Baltimore and buy a house for $250,000... This decision is really about Lena and my future, but I am leaning towards wanting to be closer to my parents and sister, who all live in the D.C. area.

About Lena and my relationship and marriage...

I was telling someone recently that I feel that after two years of marriage, that my mind is less on Lena being Russian, and on our marriage being a "Russian-Western" marriage, and more on the practical matter of simply being married, and the issues that arise from being married. My focus is more on a relationship and marriage, rather than any Russian element.

Although occasionally some things come up that remind me that Lena and I are from different cultures.

For example, Lena works so hard, harder than most Americans, because she came from a culture and life in Belarus where life and earning enough money for ones necessities is not easy.

I think that Lena is reminded how life is so much harder in Belarus (and Russia) when she communicates with her family by email and through Yahoo Chat... Lena's parents sometimes struggle to pay for many things that Lena and I take for granted. Lena and I have been helping her parents every month with one or two hundred dollars, and her parents are very appreciative about this.

A couple of weeks ago, we sent Lena's parents a package of small gifts, including an electric hair cutting kit, perfumes, new rechargeable batteries for the walkie talkies that we brought them last fall, a 500mb digital camera compact flash card, and other fun things.... Lena's dad told her recently that he now has things that he enjoys that he never could afford to buy for himself before. Although this was not a reason for Lena to come to America, Lena's parents have obviously been helped financially by Lena living in America, and Lena is happy that she is able to help them, but I think that she also feels sad and perhaps a little conflicted that Lena's parents and her live lives on such different material and financial levels.

I think that Lena is slowly and better understanding what she wants to do in life... I think that for most Russian people who immigrates to the West, it is an adjustment to process the abundance of new choices that she or he has in their new Western country. Perhaps it is like winning a $200,000 lottery to come from a country where you had to struggle to earn $100 per month and still live a life of semi-scarcity, and then to enter into a fast life where you are being asked to imagine what choices you want to make? It's like only eating at on restaurant all of your life, and then being offered the opportunity to eat at any restaurant that you would like in a big city. I know that I am being a bit creative with my analogies :)

Regarding our relationship: I do think that Lena has a stronger sense of commitment than nearly all of my previous relationships. That is one thing that I really appreciate.

Perhaps there are some things that I took for granted as part of a relationship in my past relationships that are not organically in Lena and my "Russian-Western" relationship.

For example, I can see that Americans and Russians have a different idea of personal space :) Perhaps it is how I have been raised, but I like to have only my clothes in my clothing closet space :) But, Lena sometimes does not differentiate "hers" and "his," and at times puts her clothes in the closet shelf for my clothes :)

I think that the idea of a separate recycling and trash bin is also a new idea that Lena is slowly getting used to :) (I don't think that Russians think much about recycling, and Lena grew up with the habit of throwing all of the wrappings, cans, and garbage in the same bin.

I also think that perhaps Lena has to also adjust to the idea that she has lived with her family in a house for her entire life, and then adjusting to life in an apartment, which takes being more purposefully organized.

But, I do think that our apartment is too small for Lena and I, and this is also why I would like to buy a house or large condo soon. We are financially prepared to do this, but I have to sort out issues like the timing of the final editing of my current documentary, as well as where I really would like to live. (I also feel that the Los Angeles market is over-valued, and I don't want to buy while prices are in a real estate bubble). But, I will work out all of these issues.

Lena and I are able to plan for our future, and Lena would like to continue to help her parents financially on a regular basis.

My film work has required much more of my attention recently, and so I have been very focused on that over the past couple of months. Sometimes I wish that I had time for other hobbies and activities, but my film work (because it deals with bringing positive messages into the world) is VERY important to me.

What have I learned after two years of marriage to a Russian woman? :)

1) As I look at all of the Russian-Western relationships amongst our friends and acquaintances (and in our marriage), I see that no Russian woman and no Russian-Western marriage is perfect. You need to apply the same skill, effort and compassion to your Russian-Western relationship as you would do with ANY relationship

2) Russian woman will become used to the life and expectations of Western society, but they are faced with the knowledge of two very different countries, cultures, and living standards.

3) From seeing some of the Western men around Lena and I, I can see that some men (and women) did NOT give finding the right relationship enough care and time. I can not stress enough that it takes MORE time to get to know someone who lives across an ocean from you, and that as much as you believe that you know your long distance partner, there are additional important things that you can learn about them. Take your time and do not feel rushed to be with someone because they are attractive to you or because you are lonely. This is important, since you are choosing someone who you would like to marry for the rest of your life.

4) You need to be patient to help your Russian partner adjust to the new expectations and roles of living in the West. Many Russian immigrants need to be acquainted with the concepts of financial budgets, a new language (if they do not speak excellent English), and other things that we might take for granted, but for which a Russian immigrant, probably is a foreign and new concept.

5) Communicate with your partner. True patient communication helps smooth out conflicts and misunderstandings. This is more difficult if your Russian partner does not speak English well.

6) Teach your partner how to drive so that you won't need to chauffeur them everywhere :) Lena has not yet learned how to drive, and she says that this is because she is very busy, but I feel that she feels a bit afraid to learn. (I have offered to help teach her to drive very often, however :)  ). I think that I might need to just pay for a driving school, so that Lena will have no excuse not to learn how to drive :)

7) Russian women, in general, seem not to like spicy food :)  Several of Lena's Russian women friends also do not like to eat spicy food. I think that this is perhaps because Russians are not brought up eating spicy cuisine. Lena is starting to tolerate more and more of it, though.

8) Buy your Russian spouse's family a computer so that your spouse and her family can email regularly and chat (with ideally a webcam). Since loneliness is a REAL issue the first year of so of their life in the West, a computer and the ability to write and chat daily really helps fulfill their need to communicate with their family. It also cuts down on expensive phone bills :)  Lena actually has much less of a need to call her parents, if she can chat and write emails and look at them through her and their webcams.

9) Did I mention have a LOT of patience for your Russian spouse? :)  They really need more time to adjust than you might expect. It helps to imagine if you moved to Russia, and had to adjust to a new culture, life and language. How would you feel if you had to learn Russian and find a job with a Russian company, and speak with your family only through emails and chat? We have to make an effort to be very understanding and patient.

I would love to hear from others married to a Russian spouse. What is your experience like after 6 months, 1 year, 5 years?

And thank you to everyone who contributes their thoughts and experience in this forum so that others can benefit, and so that we can help the Russian Meeting Place grow and provide more and more useful and helpful information to others...

Khashyar

*(You can find much more in-depth information about Russia, and helpful advice from Lena, Khashyar and others in the Russian Meeting Place's active Russian-Western Discussion Forums)

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