Guidelines for a happy (successful) Russian-Western/American multi-cultural marriage

-by Khashyar

I wanted us to think about and discuss the things that we can do to make our Russian-Western relationships/ marriages successful and happy...


Guidelines for a happy and successful Russian-Western/American (multi-cultural) relationship and marriage:

1) Choose the best person to be with for you.

You have control over who you begin a relationship with, and who you marry...

Take as much time as you need to choose the person you want to be with...

2) Realize that no marriages, women, men or relationships are perfect.

There are no perfect women out there, and no perfect marriages. I think it is important to have realistic expectations about what marriage will be like, so that we don't have unrealistic expectations which can lead to unhappiness.

3) Take the time that you need, through an extended courting, dating, and communication period, to understand whether your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is a right match for you....

Have deep conversations with one another where you talk about as many various important issues as you can. Before you are married is the time that you can learn whether you and your girlfriend/ fiancé are right for one another. Speak about what each of you expect from and envision in marriage.

4) talk about the important issues before you are married...

It is important to speak about what is important to each of you before you are married. I think it is important to have a clear understanding of what you both agree to and expect before marriage. Marriage is a personals and spiritual contract with one another, and both of you will be happier if you create what you expect from the marriage together...

Make sure and discuss the fundamental human areas in life like your beliefs about : religion, finances, raising children, how you solve disagreements, sex and sexuality, your hobbies and what you like to do for fun, and other topics that are important to you.

5) Realize that your Russian fiancé/ girlfriend is a human being, with all of the imperfections and humanness (as well as the wonderfulness) that goes with being human...

Oftentimes Russian women are "sold" or marketed as these "movie stars that we can buy"... Although it is easy to have an idealized image or expectant hope about a Russian woman, when you marry them and live in the same household, realize that you will each see each other's imperfections and weaknesses, as well as your strengths...

Leo Buscalia had an interesting and relevant thing to say about seeing the humanness in our icons and to those we idealize. He said whenever you have an idealized image of someone, or think that someone is perfect, imagine them sitting on the toilet. :) I don't want to be gross, but I think that Leo had a good point, and helps us see that everyone is human. Buscalia said, for example, imagine Robert Redford on the toilet... this really helps us to see someone in a realistic light

6) Once you understand the character and personality of the person who you are seriously involved with, try to imagine whether you would be happy with them...

Would the two of you be happy with one another? What might your conflicts be? In what ways would you be happy? Try to address possible problems and conflicts before you are married. Decide whether you would be able to overcome these conflicts?

7) Understand which conflicts, arguments and problems have reoccurred for you repeatedly in your past relationships...

If you have experienced reoccurring problems or challenges in your past relationships or marriage(s), then there probably is something that you are doing to help create those problems. Try to understand what part you are playing in the past problems, challenges and arguments so that you will not recreate that in your current relationship or marriage.

8) Realize that we have more similarities than differences...

Even though two people might be from different cultures, they have more in common because of their shared experience of being human. Every person has felt fear, pain, happiness, anger and sadness, for example. We know what it is to be hungry, and most of us know what it is like to make love. We have cared about other people and have been cared about.

9) Accept the differences that you have, and appreciate and celebrate differences in your cultures...

Explore one another's cultures so that you can better understand one another's backgrounds.

10) When you have married: take the image you had in your mind of the perfect woman or relationship, and throw it in the air until it blows away...

Once you have made a decision to be with someone, and especially once you have been married, then it is time and appropriate to focus your thoughts on loving and accepting your partner, and not comparing them to your idealized conception of the perfect partner.

What can you do to make your relationship happier? What can you do to love your spouse more?

11) Make a commitment that you will work out ANY and EVERY issue and difficulty that will come up in your marriage, and that divorce is not an option.

In the West, it seems psychologically easy to enter and to leave a marriage.

If both you and your spouse take a deliberate and careful decision to get married, and make a commitment with one another that you will work together and do whatever is necessary to resolve any problem that arises, then when hardships do come, you will focus on resolving them than thinking about leaving the marriage.

Every marriage takes work, but the payoff to devotion to your spouse and to your marriage will being you great peace and love.

12) Take responsibility for doing as much as you can to create the kind of relationship that you want.

What kind of relationship/ marriage do you want? What can YOU do to create this? How are YOU contributing to and creating current difficulties in your relationship. What can YOU do to help resolve these issues? It is easy to say and harder to do, but... you only have control over your own behavior, not over your partner's behavior).

13) understand that some arguments or disagreements will probably result as a result of your differences in culture...

Be ready for this, and have patience. Multicultural relationships takes patience.

If you are sensitive to this, then you will better be able to deal with these potential problems before they cause unhappiness in your marriage.

14) when you have an argument or disagreement, try to understand whether there is some cultural basis for your misunderstanding

What did your family teach you regarding the topic of your argument? What fundamental values and beliefs are behind each of your positions in your argument?

15) decide and come to an agreement as to how you will approach raising your children.

Which language(s) will you teach them? How will you introduce them to each of your cultures? What religion will they be brought up with?

16) Communicate openly during the relationship...

Because you come from different cultures, it will be important to understand that you will probably need to be more patient and clear in your communicate with one another.

17) Understand one another's culture the best that you can.

Take time to explore and get to know your partner's culture. Learn about your partners culture and language...

Take language classes, watch films of your partner's culture, read literature...

18) Support and help your Russian spouse in finding a secure and happy life in her new country.

All of the happiness that you help your partner to achieve will help your marriage, and ultimately your life, be happier.

Help her find a job that she would enjoy (if she is going to work), ........help her find something to be happy with in her life. The happier that your wife is, then the happier you will be.

19) Help your Russian wife communicate with her family in her country as much as she needs to...

Your Russian spouse will be lonely when she moves to her country, especially at first, so try to help ease her loneliness for her family, friends and culture.

20) Talk and communicate openly

This is always important, and is especially important when two people come from different cultures and were raised with different native languages.

21) Talk about the issue of money, and what the roles and expectations of each person will be...

This is especially important for Russian-Western couples, since at first, the Russian spouse will be leaving everything behind and beginning their career (and in many cases their University education) from the beginning...

22) make sure and give time to your marriage

23) listen to and be sensitive to what your partner is unhappy about

Back to Articles and Essays Main Index Page

*(You can find much more in-depth information about Russia, and helpful advice from Lena, Khashyar and others in the Russian Meeting Place's active Russian-Western Discussion Forums)

Click above to enter the Russian Meeting Place Discussion Forums, a popular and diverse community of members from all over the world who share experiences and discuss topics about Russia, Russian Culture, and Russian-Western relationships.