The Gift of a Russian-Western marriage: or, 10 things that characterize our marriage

-by Khashyar

I was wanting to write down 10 qualities or things that are characteristics of Lena and my marriage, with the intention of discovering some insights about Russian-Western marriages...

I began by writing down some of the characteristics of Lena and my relationship......

1) Lena loves to cook, is happy to make food for me, and I love to eat her food (but, since Lena has also been working, she has had less time to cook and I have had to fend for myself...) And, to be fair, when she cooks, I try to be aware of washing the dishes...

2) Sometimes I do feel a bit uncomfortable that Lena is 13 1/2 years younger than me.... Perhaps it is that once in a rare while, I notice someone looking at us with a look of "he is much older than she is.." This happens less in Los Angeles (because it is a big cosmopolitan city with a lot of dating that is not of the cultural norm in the U.S.), but... when I was in Annapolis, Maryland last Fall (which is where the Naval Academy is, and which is somewhat more conservative that other cities) I noticed some young women give Lena and I almost a gawk...

3) Lena seems very committed to me, and it is clear and obvious to me that she appreciates our relationship and wants to put a lot of effort into the relationship

4) I have watched Lena growing rapidly as she has been transported into a different culture with a different language and different life experiences during her immigration to America. It is actually very nice to see her change and grow...

5) I am also learning a lot through this process: I am learning about my fears and happiness of really having the kind of relationship and marriage that I want.

6) I actually did realize that I projected some things onto my relationship with Lena before she came to the U.S., and thus was not seeing things completely truthfully and as they are.... I think that I bought into some stereotypes and fantasies of how nearly perfect a Russian woman would be, and thus unconsciously expected almost perfection from Lena and the marriage after she arrived... Lena is wonderful, and she is even more wonderful when I see her as a human being with human characteristics, rather than expect from her my "ideal"-- I believe that a person's image of what is perfect can never be realized in another human being, so it is best to accept and love and see your spouse or lover as wonderfully and richly human...

7) I think that Lena is showing me how to love and let down the level of protection that I had (that I did not even know was there).... Lena is offering me a level of commitment, and this is allowing me to open up and trust more... (I think that I put up some guard because some of my relationships in the past have not worked out and I think I feared being disappointed or feeling pain if I became open and closely involved and things didn't work out....)

8) I look forward to our future together... We are creating it every week (and every day)..... As I look into our future, I am seeing that we are moving in a positive positive direction. There are some ways in which Lena and I are different: I am a vegetarian and Lena ENJOYS meat.... I like to watch movies, and Lena hasn't really grown up watching movies and would rather spent time with friends or socializing and talking with people..... I like to eat healthy and take vitamins, and Lena likes to put big spoonfuls of sugar into her coffee and eat chocolate ice cream..... Lena likes to stay up late and wake up late, and I am in the habit of waking up early and going to bed at a reasonable time..... So it is true that Lena and I have some differences in taste and habits and lifestyle, but.... we find each other interesting and feel enriched by the differences in one another.... For example, I generally enjoy quiet and working quietly and by myself on a project, while Lena enjoys to socialize and is very outgoing... So, in these ways, we compliment one another.... I used to think that differences between two people in a relationship was not a good thing. But... I'm changing my mind about this as a result of my relationship with Lena... I think that there are things more important than material differences or differences in 2 people's habits.... If we have similar commitment to the marriage and to one another, and if both people have the capacity to love and enjoy the other's offer and nurturing of love, then... what better match can that be??? So the things that enhance and feed love between two people exist in my relationships with Lena. This is something that I learned while being with Lena...

9) This follows along what I was speaking of in the previous point: When I was searching for the right relationship for myself, "SPIRITUALITY" was my number one characteristic that I was looking for in a mate... I REALLY wanted the person who I married or became engaged with to sincerely and genuinely be interested in spirituality or religion. I had a belief (I probably still hold some of this belief) that a relationship in which two people are sincerely and earnestly interested in spirituality is more destined to succeed than a relationship where the two people are not interested in spirituality. Lena is not really interested in conventional spirituality, while I have historically been many times passionate about it... This caused fear in me because I feared that if Lena was also not also interested in spirituality, then the marriage would not be as strong, and would not have as good of a chance of enduring happily.... But... I am taking a somewhat different view about this.... Perhaps I was a bit inflexible and perhaps even prejudiced about this. I believe that spirituality in action displays itself in compassion, kindness, friendliness, love and giving, and Lena has all of these qualities (and more qualities that I appreciate and admire)... I spent some time filming the Dalai Lama and have interviewed him twice for a couple of documentary films... He says, and implies in what he says, that compassion and love are more important than a dogmatic or "belief" in spirituality... How you behave in the world and act towards others and how you impact others are more important that what you claim your beliefs are... I believe that REAL spirituality is compassion and love and caring about others in action, and one of the central purposes of spirituality is to lead us to become more loving and compassionate people.... There are things that I can and do learn from Lena, and there are things that Lena is learning from me. I am going to continue to develop and explore my spiritual practice in my life, and as part of this spiritual practice, I will incorporate it into my marriage with Lena so that lovingly living with Lena is a part of my spiritual practice, not matter what Lena's spiritual "beliefs" are....

10) What could be written in the number 10 spot? What could be so important and vital that we would save for item number 10? I think that Lena and I have an adventure and many years ahead of us... We have much life to live together, journeying at this present moment with this website and working on it together... and allowing our journey together to unfold as we also meet other friends and other Russian-Western couples and the people we encounter on this website.... I have said this before, that my main goal with this website and forum is to help people. As long as we are doing this, then it feels valuable to me. As soon as I feel that I am doing it for some other reason, then it will not feel rich and rewarding for me, and I will need to seek something else to spend this segment of my time on that I believe will help others. Perhaps one of the things that I would want to accomplish with this website and forum is to help others dispel many of the unrealistic myths of the "Russian woman," and the unrealistic and almost fairy book expectations of being married to a Russian woman... There are no fairy tales, however-- there are things that are even better... There is genuine love and respect for one another. There is being in a relationship that is healthy for both parties and that helps both people live satisfied and fulfilled lives while embracing what they can most contribute to the world and help other people..... It is hard to put happiness or a happy relationship/ marriage into words. Is it destiny? Do we create and find our own happy relationship? Or... are two souls called to being with one another and are there people in this world who are called and destined to be soulmates?? Or... do we take each day at a time, try to make the best choices that we can towards helping ourselves and others be happy, and embrace the gifts that are presented to us... I think that a gift is something that we are presented with, and something that we also choose to accept and cherish and enjoy and honor... A marriage is a gift as long as we love the person we are with, as well as make a choice that is loving and wise for us...

*(You can find much more in-depth information about Russia, and helpful advice from Lena, Khashyar and others in the Russian Meeting Place's active Russian-Western Discussion Forums)

Click above to enter the Russian Meeting Place Discussion Forums, a popular and diverse community of members from all over the world who share experiences and discuss topics about Russia, Russian Culture, and Russian-Western relationships.